Still an avid writer, but have not been keeping up on counting what I have sent out the last few years. If you would like to become pen pals please feel free to drop me an email to get things started. You can never leave a love of fountain pens and fine stationery behind.

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Suffering from chronic pain is not something I would wish on anyone. Well okay maybe one or two people but I always remember what we do can come back on us three fold. In my life there have been those who do not understand chronic pain. I am lucky enough to have cut most of them from my life (for other issues then just that) but it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard for others in my life to understand. Chronic pain is not like other pains, it can’t be seen and you can’t point to some scar, or cast or something to explain the pain. This is why many don’t understand it. You either get those who tell you to get over it, or those who treat you as though your an invalid and may break any second. Neither is fun. For years I have tried to find a way to point out to others how chronic pain feels to me and how I manage to still manage to solider on as best as I can with it. As good as I can be with words this is something I have failed at. So I was very happy to find this come across one of my online feeds. An open letter from a person with chronic pain. This explains things better then I ever could. I am going to post here as a quote but I am also linking my SOURCE for this letter right here.

Open letter from a person with chronic pain

Having chronic pain means many things change, and a lot of the changes are invisible.

Unlike having cancer or being hurt in an accident, most people do not understand chronic pain and its effects, and of those that think they know, many are actually misinformed. In the spirit of informing those who wish to understand: These are the things that I would like you to understand about me before you judge me.

Please understand that being sick doesn’t mean I’m not still a human being. I have to spend most of my day in considerable pain and exhaustion, and if you visit, sometimes I probably don’t seem like much fun to be with, but I’m still me, stuck inside this body. I still worry about work, my family, my friends, and most of the time, I’d still like to hear you talk about yours, too.

Please understand the difference between “happy” and “healthy.” When you’ve got the flu you probably feel miserable with it, but I’ve been sick for years. I can’t be miserable all the time. In fact, I work hard at not being miserable. So, if you’re talking to me and I sound happy, it means I’m happy. That’s all. It doesn’t mean that I’m not in a lot of pain, or not extremely tired, or that I’m getting better, or any of those things. Please don’t say, “Oh, you’re sounding better!” or “But you look so healthy!” I am merely coping. I am sounding happy and trying to look normal. If you want to comment on that, you’re welcome to.

Please understand that being able to stand up for 10 minutes doesn’t necessarily mean that I can stand up for 20 minutes, or an hour. Just because I managed to stand up for 30 minutes yesterday doesn’t mean that I can do the same today. With a lot of diseases you’re either paralyzed, or you can’t move. With this one, it gets more confusing every day. It can be like a yo-yo. I never know from day to day how I am going to feel when I wake up. In most cases, I never know from minute to minute. That is one of the hardest and most frustrating components of chronic pain.
Please repeat the above paragraph substituting “sitting,” “walking,” “thinking,” “concentrating,” “being sociable,” and so on; it applies to everything. That’s what chronic pain does to you.

Please understand that chronic pain is variable. It’s quite possible (and for many, it’s common) that one day I am able to walk to the park and back, while the next day I’ll have trouble getting to the next room. Please don’t attack me when I’m ill by saying, “But you did it before!” or “Oh, come on, I know you can do this!” If you want me to do something, then ask if I can. In a similar vein, I may need to cancel a previous commitment at the last minute. If this happens, please do not take it personally. If you are able to, please try to always remember how very lucky you are, to be physically able to do all of the things that you can do.

Please understand that “getting out and doing things” does not make me feel better, and can often make me seriously worse. You don’t know what I go through or how I suffer in my own private time. Telling me that I need to exercise or do some things to “get my mind off of it” may frustrate me to tears, and is not correct. If I was capable of doing some things any or all of the time, don’t you know that I would? I am working with my doctors and I am doing what I am supposed to do. Another statement that hurts is, “You just need to push yourself more, try harder.” Obviously, chronic pain can affect the whole body, or be localized to specific areas. Sometimes participating in a single activity for a short or a long period of time can cause more damage and physical pain than you could ever imagine. Not to mention the recovery time, which can be intense. You can’t always read it on my face or in my body language. Also, chronic pain may cause secondary depression (wouldn’t you get depressed and down if you were hurting constantly for months or years?), but it is not created by depression.

Please understand that if I say I have to sit down, lie down, stay in bed, or take these pills now, that probably means that I do have to do it right now, it can’t be put off or forgotten just because I’m somewhere, or I’m right in the middle of doing something. Chronic pain does not forgive, nor does it wait for anyone.
If you want to suggest a cure to me, please don’t. It’s not because I don’t appreciate the thought, and it’s not because I don’t want to get well. Lord knows that isn’t true. In all likelihood, if you’ve heard of it or tried it, so have I. In some cases, I have been made sicker, not better. This can involve side effects or allergic reactions, as is the case with herbal remedies. It also includes failure, which in and of itself can make me feel even lower. If there were something that cured, or even helped people with my form of chronic pain, then we’d know about it. There is worldwide networking (both on and off the Internet) between people with chronic pain. If something worked, we would KNOW. It’s definitely not for lack of trying. If, after reading this, you still feel the need to suggest a cure, then so be it. I may take what you said and discuss it with my doctor.

If I seem touchy, it’s probably because I am. It’s not how I try to be. As a matter of fact, I try very hard to be normal. I hope you will try to understand. I have been, and am still, going through a lot. Chronic pain is hard for you to understand unless you have had it. It wreaks havoc on the body and the mind. It is exhausting and exasperating. Almost all the time, I know that I am doing my best to cope with this, and live my life to the best of my ability. I ask you to bear with me, and accept me as I am. I know that you cannot literally understand my situation unless you have been in my shoes, but as much as is possible, I am asking you to try to be understanding in general.

In many ways I depend on you, people who are not sick. I need you to visit me when I am too sick to go out. Sometimes I need you help me with the shopping, the cooking, or the cleaning. I may need you to take me to the doctor or to the store. You are my link to the “normalcy” of life. You can help me to keep in touch with the parts of life that I miss and fully intend to undertake again, just as soon as I am able.

I know that I asked a lot from you, and I do thank you for listening. It really does mean a lot.


I can’t help but wonder if this is what a nervous breakdown looks like. I have been stressed for a long while now. I am one of those people who is very good at hiding things to the general people and just saying I am fine and moving on. But, everything has a breaking point right? I mean, even the strongest of substances will eventually break down, even if it is just because the passage of time running over you. I have had joyous moments don’t get me wrong, and some of the things stressing me, I wouldn’t change for a thing because they also bring me joy. Other things, however well other things I would change. I just read an article after a particularly bad hour (oh, I will get to that) that says 7 signs you might be headed towards a nervous breakdown. I ticked 6 out of the 7 boxes. I would say that is a pretty damn high number of things. Looking at how little I have been blogging lately and even the 3 different drafts I started on this blog and haven’t bothered to finish up and post. Sad right?

Maybe it is just the holidays catching up with me (I am really not a fan of this time of year, even though I try), maybe it is because I know I won’t get my gifts ready in time and they will be late this year for some. Maybe it is the state of the world, maybe it is because I pretty much work non stop and maybe it is just all of it combined. But I seriously would like to either sit in the middle of the floor and scream or climb into bed for a week and sleep or maybe both. Seems like a good idea to me.

So after another trying day of the usual I then again had to shoulder the bulk of a friend’s mental illness. Now don’t get me wrong, I am a friend and I am someone who will bend over backwards and break for my friends. I don’t want it to seem like I am some uncaring beotch. But it is very trying when you are always the one shouldering the problems for people and you never get a chance to use their shoulders in return. I don’t want a pity party, but more often than not I am the one who shoulders it all and gets crushed into the mud while those who take take take and heave their burden upon me don’t offer a hand to help me up from the mud they have crushed me in.

I have openly told those who keep heaping on my shoulders that I don’t want to sound selfish, but I am hitting a wall where I can’t shoulder anymore. I need to deal with my own anxiety and problems for a little bit and it would be nice if I got some help from them as I have given them. It feels as if it is falling upon deaf ears. Especially today.

Another long dealing with another persons mental illness as I stand there trying to reel in my own anxiety, my own issues and trouble that I have been having. Once everything has been off loaded the other party goes dark, locked away in a bubble where I don’t hear from them unless there is something else wrong for me to fix. Safe and sound and warm and totally unaware as I suffocate in the mud their problems and my problems have shoved me down into.

The course of events that happened, aren’t overly terrible they aren’t even out of the ordinary for me in the course of a day. But, I have been sobbing about it for 2 hours and still am even as I type this post out. I am not sure why I am making the post and if I may not even post it, but writing can often times help me find my center again, to gather the shreds of myself up enough to carry on behind the mask of I am fine. Because even if I am not fine, everyone else has bigger problems than me and I have to turn my shoulders again for them to use. Taurus the bull is my zodiac sign, loyal, loving, stubborn yes too.. and a beast of burden it can often feel like.

As I sat down trying to finish a crochet order so I could move on to finishing crochet Christmas presents when my beautiful Senior cat Dutchy demanded to be fed. This is not a new thing and I happily feed her. For the last 4 years she has been on a wet food only diet as first her gums and then her teeth got too sensitive for kibble. I do not mind feeding her, even when she is yelling at me 16 years old, she is my beautiful girl, part of my strength I would do anything for her. Sadly, this time her yelling is what set off events.

I collected the usual horde of followers that comes along when they know she is being fed and kicked them out. Fed my sweet girl and headed back to work on the project I NEED to finish while she ate. Alas, that was not to be. As soon as my rear end hit the bed, Cubby bless his sweet heart had what we gently call a Cubpocolypse moment. Cubby has IBS, hyperthyroid, a food allergy and frankly he just likes to eat things he isn’t supposed to, no matter how hard I try to keep him out of them he sometimes gets sneaky. So as he tried to sleep, a stinky explosion happened. Not an unusual thing that happens either. The smell was horrid as usual, but hey, at least this time it wasn’t on me! I get covered on a regular basis as he loves to sleep on me and I would never tell him not to. It is not his fault it happens, I know he feels embarrassed when it happens and who would really choose to fall asleep and then wake up covered in crap.

I couldn’t find my usual tools for clean up which started a bit of ocd shaking (yeah, I am getting some ocd habits that I am not a fan of now. Bully for me more issues) and as I looked for them the dogs nicely reminded me I was overdue for their dinner. I did a quick partial clean up of the mess and gathered up the dog bowls to get meals. I couldn’t find their winter time stew portions in the fridge and assumed there wasn’t some out for thawing luckily I keep a few nice cans when we get free cans for buying food in a stash for such occasions. I look down as I am about to scoop kibble..and one of the cats thought it was funny to pee in Olly’s dish. Fair enough, so I washed that.

Finally the food was in the bowls and all nice and mixed up. I headed back to give the dogs their dinner and add a benadryl in (last gasp of winter pollen of some kind has made Olly and Diva break out in hives) and as soon as i set the bowls down I look up and beautiful white kitty Kirk…. has two large patches of liquid explosion of Cubby fashion on him. This made me give a bit of a shout of oh for F’s sake. I mean, seriously, who wouldn’t right, I mean seriously?

Olly is sensitive and this yell made him run off away from his dinner where he then proceeded to do a nervous circuit of the house before sitting on the couch and shaking. I have to gather up his bowl so nobody else, including cat family tries to eat it, grab Kirk, who smells and is covered in poo and fetch a towel so I can wash him a bit. Yeah, you can imagine that went about as well as it sounds. I admit, I do confess I lost my temper with Olly as he circled around and around and around nearly tripping me. It is not his fault. I love Olly and I know he is a sensitive soul, who had a terrible first year of his life before getting to us and most days his nervous ticks and things don’t phase me. He is a very empathetic dog and he was only picking up on my energy right now. But breaking point was there and I yelled oh for God sake Olly stop running around and eat your dinner. That of course did nothing to help him. Nothing to help me either, I still feel guilty as sin for yelling at him. He didn’t stop or want his dinner, so I proceeded to the kitchen to wash Kirk. Why not the bathroom? Remember that is where Dutchy is having her meal. You open that door and the hun’s rush in. Safer to go to the kitchen.

Kirky is a beautiful and wonderful boy. Patient and cute as a button. He is however also a cat. I have yet to have a cat that actually LIKES a bath. Kirky is no exception. The second the water hit his tail it was like he was a savage wildcat and after I got scratched and bit he ran away. Typical right? Olly started circling faster. I rounded Kirky up again, got him cleaned off. Finally got Olly to stop running in a circle and eat his dinner. Then sit down and have a nice big cry, which hasn’t stopped. I still have to finish changing the bed from the mess that got spewed all over it. But I am frozen. I can’t make myself do it. I can’t make the leaking stop from my eyeballs and I can’t make myself finish what I need to do. Change the sheets and crochet a stinking sock. The only thing I could summon up the focus for was to write this post.

I really think this might be what a nervous breakdown looks like. I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit. Can anyone take it away, please? Also, please pass me some super glue so I can get back to putting myself together and saying I am fine.

Besides.. with perfect timing as always..someone has just asked me to come pick them up.

I’m fine.


You have to love when clients as a freelance writer try to haggle with you. It is not the haggle that so much is a problem, but it is often how they do it. They will make it seem like they have OH so many offers to go through, and well many have lower prices so are you really that firm. Maybe they do have lots of offers and maybe some of them are for less money. However, often times when dealing with writing you get what you pay for.

This is probably just a bunch of prattle for most who are reading this. I know there are those who will understand it though. Those who have been a freelance writer and can’t help but sit and sigh or even laugh at the amounts that are sometimes offered to you. Just for giggles a couple I have had over the time include:

$20 for 30,000 words and illustrations (I am not an illustrator)
$10 for 20,000 words
$5 for 8,000 words plus a variety of other weird things

Now these are just some of the low ball offers. They of course also wanted each item to be perfect in grammar and formatted and everything else. It is utterly laughable that they thought they could get these prices, sadly there was likely someone, somewhere who did it because they really needed the money. I wish I could say they just got laughed at and the work wasn’t done. Sadly, reality says they likely did get it done, maybe not all of them. The part I do have a good giggle about however, is the fact that the work they did get for that price was likely not very good.

Most writers in freelance world offer VERY reasonable rates, many in fact are more than reasonable to be competitive in the market place. The going rate on most big platforms these days seems to be $1 per 100 words, that is more than reasonable because that is not the going rate outside of these platforms. Yet still you get some who want more work for less. It gets even funnier when they are the one who approach you, knowing your rates and then try to hawk you down by saying, “Well, I have so many other applicants.” writers need to learn to say, okay I hope they work out for you.

Freelance writers need to start demanding they get paid fairly for their work. At the very least that they get paid the rate they have clearly listed if you come to them. If all freelancers would stick together on this, the ball would be in their court. We would see less low balling and clients would eventually have to buckle and pay fair or not have work done.

This little ramble, rant brought to you by.. hearing a story from a friend about being low balled yet again by prospective clients.


I am just putting this Meme up to say hey I posted something on my poor neglected blog. Something I seem to say a lot lately, but I will find my way again. To be honest I have not felt the joy I used to when I blogged, but I am trying. I am working on other projects as well and just in general working on getting things to where I can feel passionate again. For now however just this humble little meme. Be Kind to one another.

be kind


I have really been such a bad blogger already this year. Pretty much every goal I set out at the start of the year has fallen away but that is what happens when you are dealing with life right? Be it hectic work schedule, the need to be creative away from the computer or anxiety attacking you from all sides what can you do?

The first thing I am doing is forgiving myself and allowing myself some leeway. I tend to be very hard on myself especially when it comes to goals that I miss. I am trying to get better about that because while I may fail at some goals, I am soaring at other things. Yes I may not be blogging as much or reading as much, but I am crocheting up a storm and writing in other places. Being a Mummy and all of that.

I have to accept as much as I would like there to be more time in the day there is only 24 hours and I must find a place to sleep somewhere in everything I am doing. Right?

So I am trying to be gentle with myself and accept that I just can’t do everything even if I want to. May seem like a simple concept but when you have general and social anxiety it is not as simple as it seems.

And I hate having anxiety. I am however endeavoring to be kinder to myself. That is one goal I have no intention of leaving by the wayside.

I am also working hard on taking back things that my long emotionally abusive marriage took away from me.

Emotional abuse is something that is harder to see then physical abuse. It is something that is more subtle and there are many who still think it is not a form of abuse at all. Or that those who fall into that trap are weak.

Victims of any form of abuse are not weak. I know I have always been a strong and independent person and it still happened to me. I think one of the big reasons emotional abuse is so misunderstood is because people do not know what to look for as a sign of it and while this list is certainly not one size fits all the following 30 things are pretty good indicators of emotional abuse. Especially when you see more then one of them happening. If you or someone you know is dealing with this do not be afraid to seek help. Don’t be ashamed it is not your fault someone is doing this to you, but you can break away. You can do it. You can heal and take your life back. It is possible.

1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.

2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

5. They try to control you and treat you like a child.

6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.

7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money.

9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.

11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.

12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.

14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.

17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.

20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.

23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.

26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.

28. They share personal information about you with others.

29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.

17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.

20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.

23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.

26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.

28. They share personal information about you with others.

29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

I think some of those who are emotionally abusive do not see what they are doing, they perhaps have a great deal of their own issues which have never been dealt with in a healthy way and so they act out in this way. While others like my ex know exactly what they are doing, have done it more then once and will likely do it again.

I mean the man was married twice before me (yup I was number 3), cheated on all three but always blamed the woman for his cheating or for why things didn’t work out. Only common factor was him. Wife number 4 is not likely to fair any better, after all if they are willing to cheat with you they will cheat on you. Had I known about the cheating on the first two wives before me I never would have gone past the first few dates because that was already a well established pattern of behavior on his end. Hindsight is 20/20 right?

My life is better now without him. While I may have my issues I have a lot to be happy for and I am. I just have to keep reminding myself that when a goal passes me by, to be kind to myself. It happens. Then take a moment to look not at what didn’t get done but everything else that has been accomplished. Life & blogging are important to me meaning my Life is important to me and my blogging is important to me. So are many other things. I can find a way to make it all work hand in hand.



I have not done much blogging for a while. Either here or my book blog. While that goes against my goals for the year I don’t think it matters all that much because of the reason for it. My beloved rescue dog Watson was sick for sometime. He seemed to rebound for sometime but then he took a turn for the worse. The end diagnosis was Bile Duct Cancer. A very aggressive and hard to deal with cancer in dogs. It rarely if ever ends well. Watson held on as long as he could. He was such a good boy. Never complained about a thing and just wanted to spend time with his Mama and cuddle.

Eventually though a choice had to be made. As long as he was not in pain or suffering I was content to spend as much time with my boy as I could. Cuddling him, loving him and cherishing him. I knew he would not be with us much longer and I wished to make every moment he was count. The time got closer, he was telling me he was about done fighting. Bless him I could even tell he felt bad about that as well. He was the kind of sweet boy who never wanted to trouble anyone at all. Then last Thursday he was showing signs of discomfort and pain. That was the last sign and the final choice was made. Within an hour of his first signs of discomfort we said our last tearful goodbyes. The way to the vet he was cuddled in his favorite blanket and we road with the top down in the car. Watson loved the top being down and the weather had come out for him perfectly nice for it. People smiled at him from their cars, one man said he looked very happy. There was a large group of people on bicycle’s waved at him as we drove past. It made me smile and cry at the same time.

When it came time. I stroked his ears like he enjoyed and I looked into his eyes. I could not hold back my tears even though I knew he never liked to see me cry. But I told him what a good boy he was, how much I loved him and that I would see him again. That he could rest now and not to worry Mommy would be okay. I would miss him but I knew I would see him again. He went quickly and peacefully in my arms.

I miss him. My Watson with his spotty dotty ear. He was a good boy. A gentleman always, we called him the Tom Hiddleston of dogs. It was perhaps the most apt thing we could say about his sweet personality. The house and pack as a whole was changed. A heavy energy hung over all of us and my sweet girl lost her spark. She missed her bubby. Trying to do everything to make her happier again we were doing car rides every day, little errands but she loves car rides. We finally made a choice to take two big bags of dog food down to the shelter where we got Watson and donate them in his name. That was the only intention that we went with.

Then there was a nudge. A little push a feeling, to go look in the kennels. I follow such feelings and so I went. Many sweet babies were looking for homes. To help my sweet girl to perk up a bit we did a meet and greet with a lovely friendly boy named Caesar. She perked up and had fun running and playing and yet nothing clicked or tugged and Caesar failed the cat room test. He was a good dog a sweet boy but not everyone is meant to live with kitties.

Then there was a whisper about a boy that might fit, a boy who was never noticed by anyone he was not doing well in the situation of being in a kennel. A boy who was used as a bait dog and had been in terrible condition when he was found. There was that little push. I agreed to meet him. There he was in the same kennel my Watson had been in. Folded in on himself, a cone of shame from his neuter on his head. He didn’t even want to come to greet me at the kennel door. A broken soul who had given up. Another little push.

This lovely boy was brought out (without his cone) to meet with my girl. She lit up. That spark was back in her eyes and she was wiggling all over the meeting area. Then a tentative little wag from the broken boys tail. Accepting pets from my hand. A tentative smile and then he looked into my eyes. This beautiful soul wanted to trust, to love to know what love was. He was scared but in those Amber eyes there was a desire and a want to feel like he could trust a person again. Another little push.

Olly has been with us for two days now. Already he is starting to blossom. He is learning to trust, to love we see him smile and wag his tail. Things that are perfectly normal for a dog, but for a dog who has had the start to life that Olly has had these are milestones. Wonderful milestones. He sleeps with me or with my girl, cuddled bonded part of the pack. He had his first trip to the dog park today and he came alive. He ran, he played, he wagged his tail, he greeted both dogs and people.

Olly still has a road to travel. You can see the scars on his face and legs still, he still needs to gain weight and the scars of the soul will take time to heal as well. But they will all heal. He will thrive and get better. My girl did, my Watson did and he will too. Thank you Watson for leading me to this boy who needed my help. Thank you Watson for helping to lift your Mummy’s heavy heart a little bit. Thank you Watson for making the energy in the house feel right again by this.

I miss you my boy but you have given of yourself again to make sure that life continues.



Here we go the 2016 goal post. Yes I know it has taken me nearly all month to get this post up but oh well. Yes I am trying not to beat myself up about these kind of things these days it is much less stressful that way and lowering the stress is one of the big goals of the year.

So here we go. Being slightly OCD I have separated goals into categories the first one is the crochet goal category. I would like to make a crochet copy of this stunning shawl and I know it will take a great deal of time and energy especially because there does not appear to be a crochet version anywhere, it is called the Dream Bird. Is it not beautiful? This is one pattern out of a small handful that has made me want to learn how to knit. I would ask one of my Knit night buddies to make it for me but I think it is to labor intensive to do that so I am going to study and stare and then try to make a crochet version myself.


The second yarn related goal of the year is to actually make some items for myself. I very rarely do that. I think out of all the many items I have made since I started crocheting I have only kept 3 things for myself. So this year I will make myself a few more items.

Next set of goals is for reading and letter writing. I just need to do them more. I get so wound up in work and doing other things related to work and Momhood that I just lose myself in crochet and forget about the other things that I do enjoy until I feel guilty about not doing them. The guilt happens often. I should not feel guilty about tasks I enjoy, so that is on the list.

Finally I have a goal to just actually relax a bit more often then I currently do. Relaxing is hard for me. My mind is usually going a million miles an hour and when I sit down to do nothing but relax all I want to do is calm the mind by doing a couple of other things that I feel I should be doing. So yes, time to try to relax a bit more. Have a fire and sit by it things like that.



I saw this today while I was looking at my FB feed a friend posted it. Such a very true statement and something all of us have to work on. Happiness is something we all want and we really need to be pro active about our Happiness.


Ask any of my friends and family members and they will tell you I am not the greatest fan of 50 shades of grey. That said I applaud the book for one thing, it has opened dialogue for alternative relationships. Granted the dialogue for most things related to 50 shades of grey is negative but it is dialogue and sometimes the hardest thing to do is start the conversation.

Conventional marriage is not the path for everyone. Sure it is great and works for many people but there are other people who it just does not work for. The sad thing is that there is a great deal of judgement around those who are in relationships that are not seen as “standard”. We saw a big break down of that in the US this week with marriage equality being passed but even same sex marriage is pretty standard compared to what other relationships are out there.

Seriously, try it some time and when someone asks your relationship status tell them you are in an Open relationship or a Triad..and see what the looks you get are. For those reading who don’t know here are the definitions.

Open relationship/marriage: An open relationship is an interpersonal relationship in which the parties want to be together but agree to a form of a non-monogamous relationship. This means that they agree that a romantic or intimate relationship with another person is accepted, permitted, or tolerated. Generally, an open relationship is when the parties involved have two or more romantic or sexual relationships occurring at the same time either as a short-term relationship, such as dating, or a long-term relationship, such as marriage. The concept of an open relationship has been recognized since the 1970s.

Triad: A form of Polyamory involving three partners. This can be any mixing of the genders.

Yeah if you say something like that to most people you will be looked at as if you have more then one head on your body. Worse you will often be judged. That is not always the case of course, some people will ask how it works and all of that. To those who are thinking that while reading this the simple answer is There have to be Rules, a firm set of rules that are set in place firmly and that are agreed to and followed by all of the partners involved.

So there you have the ramblings and thoughts of a mind at 5am after no sleep. Thanks for a bit of drivel for at least starting the conversation. Even if the start of that conversation starts out that Grey is an abusive A-hole. No arguments cause guess what, he is and while some aspects of the BDSM shown there are correct most of them are not especially when taken in from his POV.Real Dom’s act in a very adult manner and have perfect control of themselves, where he doesn’t.

Carry on with your regularly scheduled day.


With as busy as I have been with work I just have to finally admit to myself and my blog readers that Saturday Sanctuary has to go on hold for a little while. I will try to bring it back in August hopefully things will slow down a bit then.

I love my work and I love what I get to do. However, with as busy as I have been I get done with my work and just want to lay down and relax and do some crochet. I don’t want to do much more writing. Sad thing is I also have not been much into reading lately so I am far behind on my reading challenge for the year. I might get to catch up eventually. Maybe.


Crochet is what makes me happy right now yes it is.

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