Born in the Tundra of Minnesota, I have since become a bit of a Gypsy. Currently calling home base the hot sands of Arizona, I do still travel often. Whether the journey is a physical one, or one taken by reading a fantastic book it doesn't matter, the fun is always in the adventure. As always I am an eclectic person that likes a wide array of things and has many passions. Creating, advocating for animals and Mothering just to name a few.


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Mar
22
Posted by

Warning: Random rambling, prattle, emo, typos bad grammar and other such things ahead in this post. It might not make a whole lot of sense I am exhausted and a lot of other things. Feel free to just ignore this post and carry on with your day. Not sure why the inclination to post it.

Everyone has probably heard the saying, you can feel alone in a room full of people. It may sound cliche. However, like many things that are cliche it becomes so because it is rooted in truth and events that have happened. I have many blessing in my life. Some would even (and some have) say that I don’t have a right to feel down or depressed. That my life is pretty shiny compared to others.

And I can’t deny that. In many many ways I am beyond blessed. I am so blessed there are not words to clearly express the gratitude of those blessings. I have worked for them, as I believe you have to put in the work for anything in life. But I know how lucky and blessed I am in these things. And perhaps I don’t have a right to be down or depressed or anything else, but sometimes I am.

Lately I have just felt completely drained. Physically, mentally but most of all emotionally. I don’t really know what to do about it. Oh I know plenty of people and I have plenty of “friends” but in all honesty there is a very limited circle of people who I have let completely in. It is extremely hard for me to be a complete open book for me. I have been burned many many times and each time it becomes a little harder to do. The stakes get higher and I wonder if I will be able to handle much more. Throw a nice heap of anxiety on top and the being an introvert it can cause some issues.

Female friends have always been difficult for me. I don’t know why, they just have. I always have gotten along better with men. I wish I could tell you why, truly I do. I know much of it has to do with some of the back biting, back stabbing, clique nature that can happen with groups of women (I am not saying all). Or the fact that society has set women up to always compete with one another. Growing up though I did have a nice core group of very good non family friends. Sadly for the most part many of them have not carried over into adulthood. It happens right? I have some contact with a couple the others have drifted off like happens in life.

It is extremely hard to make new well bonded friends as an adult. I think that is something almost any adult will tell you. Its harder. That fearless nature you can have as a child is gone. But over the years I have managed to feel a true sense of connection and peace with three non family girlfriends. I have cherished those three people. I have done the best I could do be the friend who is there no matter what, who is sitting next to you in jail going wooeee what a night (no that hasn’t happened) and just do all those things. Maybe I am trying to hard? Might explain it because if problems keep happening and they are similar problems and the only common denominator is you….it can be tough not to think you are doing something wrong.

One of these friends just vanished one day. We went from speaking every single day for YEARS. To nothing. There was no sign no word nothing, she was just gone. I have tried everything I know how to do in order to find out what happened. But nothing. There is simply nothing, she disappeared and I have no idea why. Of course the first thing that comes to mind is oh gods what if she died. It is possibly she was dealing with some health issues. Though she always said she had things in place to make sure I would know and not be left wondering, that could have gone wrong. Of course she also could be perfectly fine and just for some reason that I don’t know and that I have begged to know decided to stop talking to me all together. Whatsoever the reason she is just gone and with it all the things I enjoyed doing with her. Our little jokes, our little code things we developed over those years. I miss that. I miss her.

The other two. They aren’t gone in the same sense of it. One has many very serious mental issues and I have known that and have done my level best to not take some of the things personally. I have had some very vile things said to me, done to me ect. There is always an apology and that wasn’t me it was a voice. Or you know I would never do anything like that. I used to know that, but I don’t know that anymore. That is how bad things have turned in the last years. I am still trying, it gets harder and harder to try but I still try. Maybe I do need to give up but I don’t like to give up on people. I don’t.

The other like all of us has issues too. There have been ups and downs and thick and thin and all of those things. Again I do my best. I will go to the end of the earth for the people in my life that I LOVE and I am not trying to talk smack or be passive aggressive or anything towards anyone referred to in this post. But I just can’t shake the feeling that I am reaching out my hand trying to grab onto something and just always coming up empty. And I am a sap for crying as I type that but there it is. It hasn’t always been like that sure. Granted there has been an unbalanced weight of supports with me taking the heavier side and I think she would agree in that, but it wasn’t always so bad. Things happen in life and I don’t expect miracles I really don’t. But I miss the friend I had. I miss the girl talk. I miss knowing I could just fly by the seat of my pants in a conversation and prattle on about sex and everything else. Yes I specifically say Sex because true trusted friends are hard to come by, true trusted friends who I can talk about sex openly without censor are unicorns. I digress I won’t delve deep down into that for the moment I could probably write a novel on that one topic alone. I miss it but a bomb went off and nothing has really been the same since.

I don’t try and dwell. It isn’t fair to dwell on the past if you want to try and move forward. But I am just a human too and I get hurt. It can also be very hard to move forward when you feel as if many of the things that are large wounds in you haven’t really been talked about or truly hashed out. I tend to shy away from bringing these things up because I don’t want to be accused of dwelling. I don’t want the fact that sometimes I still sob my eyes out because as I was uprooting my entire life, packed into some cars with my marriage that I was finally able to say was abusive ending. My worry over my beloved babies all packed in with those things and everything else….I was balled out and called many things including a bad friend, un-supportive and not there ect because I didn’t immediately pick up a phone call on a cell phone because some jackass at a job was yelling sexual embarrassment over changing uniforms. As soon as I could I called back (it wasn’t that long) and I did what I could…I supported, I calmed, I did all of those things while walking in a small circle in red dirt in 100 degrees somewhere in a little town in Texas. It as a long time ago. It has been basically apologized for, but it still hurts me. I have tried to mention it and was told I am dwelling, holding it against and how can we possibly move forward if your always throwing things in my faced at. So I leave it alone.

I try not to bring up the number of times I have been called purely to be the vent board and then the call cut short for one reason or another. Or the times I was told there was no time, patience ect for my problems. Or the other myriad of things like that which I try to just ignore because I don’t want to be told I am holding it above her head so on and so forth. and I am not holding these things up over someones head. At least I am very much trying not to. But how can I heal the wound if I am not even able to speak about the pain? How can I try to understand where these things came from and try and be sure they won’t happen again if I can’t talk about it? I don’t want to beat anyone up about it, I don’t want to be someone like that but I don’t know how else I am supported to fix the deep river of wounds that have been made over this span if I can’t talk about it.

I don’t know how not to feel wounded when I really need that supportive friend. That girlfriend not a man and I can’t have it because of other issues, or whatever else. Maybe I really am expecting to much and being a selfish bitch about it. Maybe that really is the problem.

I don’t know how to decide which thing I take as the one that counts. When I am told it is okay to talk about something again that was off limits….or the fairly fast shut down or then complete vanishing act when I stick my toe into the pool of those things. Maybe it is just coincidence? But it starts to add up and feel very conflicting when it happens more then a few times. I know how to do many things. I can handle many things but I don’t know what to do about any of this anymore.

I am so tired. So so weary down to my soul. So exhausted and I don’t know what to do about that either.

I just feel alone. It just feels like it would be easier to put my hand down and submit to the lonely blue exhaustion.

I miss my friend and I don’t know what to do to find my friend. I don’t know anymore.

I am in pain on different levels. I am scared of things. I am bored with other things and most of all I miss that special kinship.

I had better stop now as I can barely see anymore. I am sure this post will get me in further trouble, but I suppose it is a risk I have to take. I am already in that lonely land, so will it really make a difference?


Dec
29
Posted by

2017 has been a hell of a year. Anything good about it has a stack the size of Texas along side it that is bad. If my last blog posts are any indication, it gives you a small glimpse at shit. That is a small glimpse. There are so many things I haven’t mentioned here or even really out loud. The spectacular shit show that was my life yesterday evening….for starters would boggle most people. Hell it boggles me, but apparently I share to much when I get reemed, or I share to little and don’t trust people. Guess it depends on the minute I am being yelled at. Confused? Yeah me too. I do know there was a point today as I listened to a littany of how my work is harming someone else and that I use my work as an excuse for….no idea because I still am sorting through how work is a bad thing for the first time in a long time I SERIOUSLY thought it would be so much easier to go to sleep forever then have everything I’ve ever done be used as a weapon to injure me for whatever reason.

Apparently there is something about me that has a huge neon sign on it that says please take all of your shit out on me. Of course even attempts to cut the toxic out of my life (even when I am told too!) are wrong. Its wrong to think a person who’s been laying into you when your friends may not bother to pay it back when you are no longer friends. It’s wrong to think given the constant shitty feeling you get over it all or the fairly consistent change of payment dates with little to no information that once whatever thread there is of give a damn is removed there is likely to be problems. There are lots of otherthings I could add to this but doing so would be pointless and likely also result in me getting in trouble for sharing to much about what was leveled on me and whatever else. I can’t keep up.

Biggest lesson I took away from the day. I really should have listned to every single common sense thing that say’s dont lend money to people you care about. Don’t talk about money with people you care about. Money is in general an evil thing the causes nothing but problems.

I’ll leave Shakespeare out of it but its kind of scary how every single book, article and so on about the topic says nearly the same thing. Just two examples…

6. The Borrower May Ask for More
Once you have lent money to a friend or family member, this person may return when he or she needs more money. In addition, other friends and family members may also ask you for a loan.

Pro Tip: Don’t become the go-to lender in your circle of family and friends. You should never be in a state of constant lending.

7. You Enable Instead of Help Your Friend or Family Member
When you lend money to friends or family members, you give them an easy way out of their financial problems, instead of helping them work through their issues.

For example, your cousin may ask for some money to pay off her credit card bill, but she needs help learning how to make a budget. In that situation, refuse the loan, but offer to help your cousin create a budget or to look for alternative forms of income.

Pro Tip: Put your friends or family members in a position that improves their financial situation as well as their understanding of money management in order to truly help them.

Even though you want to be a good person, and you want your friend or family member to love you, don’t lend him or her money if you can help it. Gently refuse the loan, and determine the best way to help your loved ones, instead of enabling them.

Sometimes loving someone involves doing something that they do not want, and they may be disappointed or mad. But if you have their best interests in mind, you can rest easier knowing you won’t jeopardize your relationship.Even though you want to be a good person, and you want your friend or family member to love you, don’t lend him or her money if you can help it. Gently refuse the loan, and determine the best way to help your loved ones, instead of enabling them.

Sometimes loving someone involves doing something that they do not want, and they may be disappointed or mad. But if you have their best interests in mind, you can rest easier knowing you won’t jeopardize your relationship.

Yeah sadly that last bit that saying no will let you rest easier and not relationship harm is utter bullshit. I’m always fucked either way.

I am tired.

Oh wait sorry I am not allowed to talk about that.


Dec
28
Posted by

I don’t blog. I read a lot though. Thanks Ambrosia for letting me guest post sons information I feel is useful to lots of people. 👍🏼💜

Article one: Displaced aggression

What do you do when you’re stressed, swamped or seriously overwhelmed? Unleash hell on an innocent bystander, of course! But if you’d rather stop displacing your feelings and start facing your troubles head-on, Martha Beck has a game plan for you.

So your best friend at the office is suddenly let go, and you spend the rest of the day dreading that the ax is about to fall on you, too. Later, at home, you hold it together — until your 6-year-old pops out of bed for the fifth time, asking for another glass of water. At which point you hear yourself roar, “Oh for heaven’s sake! Would it kill you to just go to sleep for once?!”

Or maybe as soon as you leave the office, you head to your parents’ house for your second shift. Your mother suffers from Alzheimer’s, and your father recently broke his hip. You manage to stay cheerful with both of them, but at home that night, when your husband innocently asks where to find the peanut butter, you snap, “Figure it out, Sherlock.”

Or perhaps one morning, without even meaning to, you notice a series of intimate texts between your boyfriend and someone named Tiffany. You drive to work, glance through the papers in your in-box, then blast into your assistant’s cubicle like a hurricane. “When will you learn to conjugate the verb to lie? Am I paying you to write like a moron?”

Psychologists call this phenomenon displaced aggression. Often when we feel powerless, we dump our anger on someone else — someone we know won’t fight back. Military folks have a charming phrase for displaced aggression, which, for the sake of politeness, I will euphemize here as “stress rolls downhill.” I’m sure you can recall times when people rolled their stress onto your unprotected head. And unless you’re a saint, I’m sure you’ve rolled your stress onto others’. Learning to stop stress-rolling is one of the best things you can do for your relationships and your general life satisfaction. Let’s start now, before someone else gets hurt.

Know How to Roll

The cause of stress-rolling is always the same: You experience a situation in which you feel too overwhelmed, confused or scared to express your true feelings. You’re fighting for your life, and you’re losing. The enemy may be a change in your work situation. Or your parents’ increasing fragility. Or a shaky relationship. Whatever the problem, if it seems too big to solve, you may believe you have no choice but to internalize your fear and anger.

Unfortunately, feelings don’t want to stay hidden. Like water held back by a dam, they are always pushing, seeking a crack to leak or entirely break through. The “cracks” in our ability to suppress negative feelings are relationships in which our defenses are lowest, our fears smallest. Our hidden feelings seep or burst out when we’re with people we trust or who aren’t in a position to resist us. This dynamic explains why upstanding citizens who never shout at a stranger will scream curses at a lover, and why people who take an undue share of grief from their boss bully their underlings in turn.

To eliminate a tendency to stress-roll, you first have to notice it in other people: the man who yanks his dog around every time he gets the shaft at work; the brand-new ex-smoker who shouts at her husband when she runs out of nicotine gum. Watch these people and get a feel for how disproportionately intense their behavior is. Then honestly identify the same sort of overreactions in yourself. Where does your temper flare? When do you weep hysterically? What situations frustrate you to the point of physical violence?

One excellent sign that you’re stress-rolling may be a hint of sheepish guilt or shame. This will show up after you’ve rolled your negativity onto someone, or even while you’re doing the rolling. Deep down, your conscience will be whispering, “I’m not being fair. This isn’t about Priscilla eating all the toast. I’m just venting because no one’s watching my kitten video on YouTube.”

Unfortunately, many people, embarrassed by this tickle of conscience, actually increase their stress-rolling as a method of self-defense. They’ll bring up old arguments and mutant grievances to justify the stress-rolling. For example, you might follow up your outburst toward your son by saying, “You’ve got to stop bothering Mommy all the time.” You might keep pounding your husband: “If you ever cleaned the kitchen, you’d know damn well where to find the peanut butter.” You might point out every grammatical goof your assistant has made since the day she was hired. This is like a general who opens fire on his own troops, then decides he’d better shoot a few more so they’ll be too scared to stand up to him. Don’t be like that general. Instead…

Identify the Real Enemy

No matter how much stress we roll downhill, no matter how we justify the rolling, ultimately we still have to deal with the situations that caused our discontent. The only thing stress-rolling accomplishes is the creation of new enemies out of old allies (or potential allies) — a classic lose-lose situation. So the moment you get the slightest inkling that you’re stress-rolling, excuse yourself, take some deep breaths and figure out what’s really bothering you.

Because the core issue is often so upsetting that you push it out of your consciousness, you may not be able to articulate it at first. Luckily, you have a built-in problem-pinpointer: discomfort. Identifying your deepest emotional triggers is like finding where a bone has broken; you poke at the general area until you find the epicenter of the pain. Ask yourself the following questions:

1. “What’s really bothering me?”
2. “What’s the worst thing about that?”
3. “What’s the worst thing about that?”
4. Repeat question 3 until you reach the source of your distress.

You’ll know you’ve hit upon your real issue when all your irritation with innocent bystanders disappears in a flood of fear, sorrow, or despair. You’ll probably feel helpless about coping with the core dilemma — that’s why you displaced your aggression in the first place. Looking squarely at overwhelming problems requires extreme courage and honesty. Solving them takes even more. You may feel you don’t have such valor in you, but that’s okay. Just look around.

Align Yourself with Your Allies

To find courage you don’t possess, all you need to do is share real facts about your real problems with people who may be able to help. I reiterate: people who may be able to help. If you’ve stress-rolled onto someone who holds less social power than you — say, your child or your assistant — simply apologize. These are not the people you should ask for counsel; doing so would leave them feeling even more overwhelmed than you feel. Find someone who, from your perspective, has at least as much power as you do.

For example, after yelling at your child, you might say, “Honey, I’m so sorry for shouting at you. I was worried about something completely different, but I’m getting help with that.” Then you could call an adult who’s survived hard times — your father, a coworker, your best friend — and talk about your career uncertainty. Or you could offer your husband a peanut butter sandwich—and the truth about your physical and emotional fatigue. Or you could admit to your assistant that you were out of line, then close your office door and call a couples counselor to discuss your relationship.

Are you seeing the pattern here? Apologize, tell the truth, get help from someone who’s not below you on the power pyramid.

You may feel awkward being this honest and open. Suck it up. If you don’t want to be the general who shoots at his own troops, you need to consult experienced, educated advisers. Make no mistake: You are the one and only leader of your life. But you’ll be amazed by how brave, learned and resourceful the people around you can be. Honesty and humility will help you solve both the problems that create stress-rolling and the problems stress-rolling creates.

Keep Enlarging Your Circle of Advisers

As you begin to stop rolling stress onto others, you’ll also start to gather crucial information that will help you face any problem without feeling overwhelmed: You’ll learn whom to trust and in what capacity. Not every person you ask for help will be able or willing to give it. Your work friends may amplify your fears with their own. Your husband might shut down the moment you start talking. Your couples counselor could be a complete idiot. It happens. Just keep consulting different people until you get a response that feels genuinely helpful. The great thing about total honesty is that once you are grounded in it, you immediately know when someone’s advice to you is wrong.

Lao Tzu said, “All streams flow to the sea because it is lower than they are. Humility gives it its power.” Every time you avoid rolling your negative emotions downhill, and instead admit the places you feel lowest, you’ll find your power paradoxically growing. As you feel less overwhelmed and more balanced, you’ll lift the people who look up to you until they, too, stop stress-rolling and start leveling with you about their own issues. In time, the very people you once dumped on may join you in solving any problems you face. Rolling on together, you’ll be unstoppable.

Article 2: Taking stress out on others and why it sucks

Taking Your Stress out on Other People & Why it Sucks
By Cheer Squad member michine

Have you ever been so stressed that you’ve lashed out at someone around you?

Many of us have. But why do we do it? Well, in stressful situations we are not our normal selves. We allow our negative emotions to overrule our sense of judgment and change the way we normally act and behave, to become someone who acts on impulse and raw emotion. It is in these times that we are most likely to take out our stress and frustration on the people around us.

Stress can accumulate from a number of different sources, including:
being emotionally overwhelmed by certain events
being under the pump with study or work
worrying about the future and different outcomes
when things just aren’t going our way.

To get a clearer understanding of stress and when it is out of control have a look into managing stress.

The ways in which we may take our stress out on other people can be both direct and indirect. Direct ways of venting to release our stress and frustration can involve lashing out at people by
being physically or verbally abusive
saying and doing things that we would never normally do
putting other people down to make ourselves feel better.
This can appear in varying levels of severity for example making snide remarks about someone to swearing and personally attacking someone’s certain physical characteristics, beliefs or orientation.

In an indirect method we may take out our stress on other people by more subtle methods including being very short with people, having a short temper or ignoring a friend that we would usually talk to. In some cases we may not even be aware that we are doing it!

While taking our stress out on other people can temporarily make us feel better, it can also seriously damage relationships, particularly if someone is hurt physically, emotionally or mentally as a result of our actions and behavior. Ultimately, taking our stress out on other people will not only put those around us in a worse state but it also means we put ourselves in a difficult spot. At the very least we end up feeling guilty about our behaviour, and in some circumstances there are consequences to our actions which we have to face.

So how do we manage our stress such that we don’t take it out on other people?

There are a lot of different ways to manage stress levels, such as listening to music, going for a run, having some chill out time, or even playing games. In cases where we aren’t able to manage our stress by ourselves, it may be best to take a step back from the situation to clear our head and keep in mind that we cannot let our emotions control us. Rather than taking it out on those around us, we can talk to others about it in order to relieve our tension.

If you have experienced stress affecting your actions and behavior (or someone else’s) and would like to learn more, watch from the sidelines or share your own experience – join us for the live Getting Real session Monday, September 3rd 8pm AEST.

Article 3: Pyscology today

We are ocial beings, we define who we are in part, by, and through the relationships we have. Most of us interact with an assortment of people on a daily basis, from our most intimate relationships to strangers on the street. Obviously, how involved we are with certain individuals will color the level and intensity of our interactions with them. There are those people with whom we get along quite well while there are those who may be harder to connect and communicate with, who may give us an emotional run for our money. While some people have a tendency to take things personally a lot of the time, with almost anyone, the focus here is on relationships where a significant attachment has been formed.

We are often dependent upon others for our happiness, our security (emotionally, financially, and any other way), and sometimes for our safety. We often look to others to fill our needs. When these others are supportive, encouraging, caring, and giving we may feel fairly satisfied in our life. But when those we are attached to are judgmental and critical, even aggressive and abusive toward us, we may find ourselves in conflict, caught between the need to have these people in our life for whatever reason, and satisfying our own needs. Sometimes, we make a “bargain with the devil” and end up giving a lot of ourselves away in order to placate a significant other, to make them happy, to keep the peace, to make them stay in our lives (because we think we need them).

Taking things personally is often a by-product of this bargain. When we take things personally we are giving certain individuals more power over us than they deserve or should ever be allowed to have. In effect, you are allowing someone to question what you feel and believe. You are trusting someone else to tell you who you are, instead of relying on what you know to be true about yourself; what really defines you as a person without any outside influence. In essence, taking things personally keeps you tied to someone else and, in the extreme, can even make you feel like a victim.

So, instead of just reacting when someone pushes your buttons, these are some things to consider when you find yourself caught up in an interaction/confrontation where you feel your personal integrity is being challenged.

Focus on what this relationship really means to you. How heavily invested are you in this individual? Do you always need to be agreeable, to make no waves, to go along in order to please this person and to keep the peace? Do you perceive that there may be a high price to pay if you disagree or challenge them? Do you really need this person’s approval? Is all the trouble keeping them happy, as they challenge you, really worth the effort?

Change the focus of the interaction by putting yourself in this other person’s shoes. Try to understand what the other person is feeling/thinking/trying to convey to you. Is this the way they interact with many people, not just you? Is it their usual way to be critical, to insult, to blame or shame? Maybe that person hasn’t mastered how to communicate in a healthy way. Perhaps they lack certain social skills and feel the only way they will be heard and paid attention to is by being rude or aggressive in their language, or by bullying to get their way. Perhaps, they have issues with relationships in general, with boundaries, with seeing things as either all good or bad, right or wrong.

Don’t jump to conclusions too quickly when you are being confronted. Don’t make assumptions about judgment or criticism seemingly directed at you. Maybe it’s not about you at all, but rather about them and their own perceptions projected onto you. In fact, it’s almost always about them, their issues, their needs, and their desire to control you and/or a situation.

A corollary to this is to know what makes you feel vulnerable. When you are aware of your sensitive spots, the things that trigger your emotions and reaction, you can prepare yourself if an interaction arises that attempts to draw you in.

Create a space between yourself and your reactions. Your initial response might be to react emotionally. If possible, don’t follow that kneejerk reaction. Take the time to rein in your emotions and assess what’s really happening before you respond.Ingeneral, it’s a good idea to create a healthy personal space around yourself. (A good visual is to imagine yourself in the middle of a meadow with a white picket fence surrounding it. That’s your space. No one is permitted within it unless you allow them to enter into it.) When you create a space/buffer between yourself and another person, personal boundaries have less of a chance of being crossed and/or blurred.

When you are ready, respond in order to gain clarification. Hopefully, your emotions will take a back seat while you ask this individual to fully explain what’s on their mind and what they want from you. Listen carefully so you can discern what makes sense and what doesn’t based on their fantasy or need to have you behave in a certain way. Tell them how what they’re saying/doing makes you feel. In some instances, they may not realize how aggressive, rude, insulting, bullying, and insensitive they are being; that their words are hurtful and that what they’re asking of you is unreasonable. Explain that if the goal of the interaction/confrontation is meant to be conciliatory they’re going about it in the wrong way. Perhaps, give them a way out by suggesting an alternative solution.

If it becomes clear that this person can’t respect you and your space and insists on creating a situation over and over again that’s meant to make you uncomfortable, feel badly about yourself, personally attack you, devalue and belittle you, and constantly attempt to bait you, you need to rethink the relationship. If it’s family it may be hard to divorce yourself from them but you can limit your time and the nature of the relationship you have with them. If it’s someone else, break off all ties with this person for your own sake.

Finally, learn to rely on yourself. Of course, relationships will play a prominent role in your life. But the more you know about yourself the less you need others to tell you about yourself. When you develop a life orientation that is based primarily on your own personal resources, rather than on external influences your dependency on outside forces is diminished.


Dec
28
Posted by

Oh I am so tired of being this person. I really am, but everyone keeps telling me that I should say the crap I tend to choke down on out in the open so there we go. I don’t know why I bother really but my blog so right along with the let’s talk about sex thing let’s talk about all the random crap that I keep having to deal with on an almost daily basis and just want to rip my hair out.

My current bone that I am trying to deal with?

DON’T ASK THE DAMN QUESTION IF YOU DON’T WANT THE COMPLETELY HONEST ANSWER.

Also secondly kind of goes hand in hand…

DON’T ASK SOMEONE TO ALWAYS BE HONEST WITH YOU AND THEN GET PISSY WHEN THEY ARE.

The bottom line is that I always try to be as nice as possible when I am saying something that might be uncomfortable. I get it, no one likes to take notes on their negative parts or behaviors. Trust me I get those notes too and I don’t always like them. However I do try and take a look at the feedback and use it as a place to grow. We are all works in progress and we can all grow.

But for FUCKS SAKE if you ASK someone one something DON’T HAVE A GOD DAMN TANTRUM AFTERWARDS.

I can’t count how many times lately I have tried to back away from a conversation or situation. I know I am not as soft gloved as I used to be. I know that, I openly admit it and I apologize for it. When I see how a reply might be taken or where a situation is going to be taking a left turn at shit. I try and allow for a graceful exit out when I can. Yeah I don’t always but when I do, if you then press forward saying you want to know. Is it really then fucking fair to get your panties in a bunch about it? I mean seriously. When someone is trying to back away from a situation you have to know whatever comes next isn’t going to be something great. So why go after it only to then get upset about it? Essentially stamp about it. Take it out on someone else and then just go poof.

Yeah I get it, we all get tired and some people even sleep. Still not the nicest thing to end a conversation like that.

Chalk that shit on to some other bones I have to pick and ya know I am just done with a lot of shit. SO so so done.

Across the board.

Sitting here typing out yet another venting post really makes me wonder. What kind of toxicity am I allowing to remain in my life. I am going around in constant circles in more then one relationship and it just feels like, why? When do I stop and say okay, I have given everything I have to give and it is time to stop caring so much. I hate doing that, I hate taking relationships that I have done everything possible to keep going and having to set them outside the circle but sometimes that is what you have to do.

My ex for example was a big fat needed to cut out, likely should have done it way before.

Maybe it is time to call in the debts and relegate people to acquaintance status. Might be the only way to save my own sanity. Then maybe I am just prattling on again it’s not as if I actually do much about it. I keep getting the collateral damage and I keep talking people down from ledges. Among other things.

I don’t know something somewhere is got to give. I am tired of feeling like A Dear Abby ATM most days. Sad right? That’s how I feel most days. I had a few days where I was starting to feel a little better, but that went away pretty fast. Maybe that is just due to exhaustion.

Or maybe all of this prattle actually is good advice that I should take myself. I honestly am not sure about any of it anymore.

I am sure about ONE thing.. DON’T ASK THE QUESTION IF YOU DON’T WANT THE DAMN ANSWER.

On that I am completely positive about. Don’t ask if you don’t want to know, seriously. All it does is make a person feel like they really can’t tell you the truth or anything at all. Keep doing it and that feeling is going to keep getting worse.

Yeah. I think maybe I need to check out of any major life stuff for a while. Call in the debts I am owed and go live on my island where only those I let in can bug me. Sadly laughable that I know if I called those debts in across the board I might only get a response from….ONE of the people. Do I sound ass chapped about it? Yeah well right now I am because that is just how it is. I am sure I will be over it again in a few hours, I mean I am always expected to be anyways and most days I am fine enough to let it slide because there are more important things. But yeah today I am allowing myself to be ass chapped about the whole thing. I especially love always being asked last minute if a payment that wasn’t even my damn schedule idea but made to be easy for the one with the loan if its okay. Like we all know that if I say no it’s not okay, what happens then? Like really what actually happens if I say no? Yeah exactly I get to feel like the shit head and the payment either isn’t made until the asked for date or it is and I get to feel like a shit head for making someone short. Even though it isn’t my fault. ITS CALLED A BUDGET.

Shockingly this happens to me frequently from more then one avenue. I know. That makes me pretty pathetic. Also the worst bank ever.

So yeah island and telling everyone to fuck off….that is what I was talking about for a minute there right?

Might be a really good plan right about now.

Yes this is not edited and there is likely errors and I don’t care. I have vented and sadly I feel no better then I did at the start. In fact I am fairly sure I feel worse, because I know I am going to hear about this post later. Oh well, time to go start making lunch and then get back to work.


Dec
24
Posted by

Happy Holidays everyone. This might come off as a somewhat Grinch like post so if that is going to offend you, keep on your happy holiday way. Alas I am not someone who can just slap on and keep on holiday cheer when I am feeling…a moment of not holiday cheer. It isn’t that I am trying to be a crap or a Scrooge. The mood will pass, I am neither happy all the time or cranky all the time. Imagine that.

I do however find myself getting annoyed when I have a cute or fun story I would like to tell. I am asked about it and then someone else gets to tell the story. Maybe it is a petty thing, I am not above that kind of feeling like anyone else, but it seems to happen more and more and so I notice it more and more. It is annoying. Overly so sometimes, but what are ya gonna do eh?

I also find myself getting annoyed when I am asked to dig people out of their holes while I literally stand in the ones that they made for me too. Yeah I know petty maybe again but hey look at that….person. I have lost count of how many times I have been asked to help work around an RP story line. If you don’t RP just move on now from this post you won’t understand and you will think I am just a cry baby. Move it along I ain’t in the mood.

I have fixed this shit more then once. Let me tell you if you knew…it has been some impossible fix shit too. Like seriously, any fellow Rpers would be going… How do you even manage around that. Especially if you know the nature of continuing RP. The worst part about it? On just about every occasion the only parts that are considered when I am asked to fix it..is one side of things. It doesn’t even occur to people that there is a very large part of that RP that was taken from ME as well.

Yeah, I often wonder if that even occurs when I am asked to sort shit out, like do people even remember that my companion within this shit keeps vanishing too? Yeah funny how that works and yeah it chaps because just like the crap in Real life its collateral damage. Funny how often art imitates life and the other way around right? I am so tired of always being collateral damage. Then I still fix shit and you know what..my own shit is usually the very last thing to even be looked at for fixing. Frankly its starting to piss me off more then a little bit.

So yeah…sure i’ll happily fix your RP problem…5 bucks says one character wasn’t even considered in this whole thing…I am already owed a fiver so it will either turn to 10 or call it good.

The slave ran off with the wayward companion and they did whatever the fuck they felt like for years on end. Then they both got sucked into the sea and died.

The end.

What you were expecting a happily ever after? Afraid right now I have none of those. Maybe after I sit for a while with it I will have my Dickens moment and tiny Tim will live and Scrooge will do good for many years. But for the moment…. HUMBUG.

Now excuse me while I go and wrap finish wrapping Christmas presents and proceed to feel a bit like this over the whole thing:


Dec
15
Posted by

Once upon a time life was far more simple. I am not going back as far as childhood, but oh weren’t times super simple then? When the biggest problem you often faced was trying to find out if you and your friend could manage to get both of your parents to agree to an entire weekend of sleepovers. This would of course, sometimes involve agreeing to go to church. I am talking even just 5 or 6 years ago. Perhaps a bit further. From where I sit now, sure life was not perfect it never is but it seems like it was simpler in so many ways. It also felt like I had more close friends then. I am not talking about the family or lovers aspect but friends. I guess for me there is always a need to have the entire grouping as a whole. I am missing part of mine and I don’t know what to do about it anymore.

There is a point of course, when you are looking at life and the changes that have happened where you ask yourself if it is indeed you that is causing the problems. Now I will never say I am blameless, I believe that everyone involved in a relationship is going to have some blame when things go one way or another, but there are different levels of that. For me the result of looking at things is that, I miss my friends.

I miss my friends in Minnesota, we used to meet up for book meetings. I have a great many fond memories of chatting and sitting around just enjoying company in a wonderful comfortable spot with those book buddies. There is a plan in the future to make home base Minnesota again so perhaps that is something which in part if it is wanted will be able to be corrected. I am still in touch with some of these wonderful friends, but things don’t seem as close as they used to be. Part of life I know.

I miss my friend Vere. I know it was not a conventional friendship. We met online and in nearly 13 years we never met face to face. There was a wide range of reasons for this, a lot of it had to do with Vere’s fear of meeting with people, even friends. She had serious anxiety about it. Especially after a stalker almost took her life. I never minded though, because we communicated daily and shared everything but that one thing of being face to face. I would say we were as close as could be given that. We had routines and rituals, ones that I looked forward to and enjoyed so much. Three years ago on December 5th was the last time I heard from her, however. Everything went just as it always did, I never thought I wouldn’t hear from her again. But that was it. I have not heard from her since then. I don’t know what happened. I wish I did. She promised she would never purposely just vanish, see that is one of my fears to just have someone vanish and not knowing why or what happened. I believe she never would have just left. She was sick and had some other issues, so it is perfectly feasible that something happened. I just wish I knew for sure. She assured me that her lawyer would know how to contact me should anything that was the worst truly happen, but I don’t always trust lawyers in that respect. It is also possible with some of her brain issues that she could be in a coma or something happened and she has no memory of it. I miss Vere more than I can put into words right now.

There are other friends I miss too. Through things that have happened pains they have been created, issues that haven’t been dealt with. Most days I feel like I am on an island and everything calls it the oh but your so strong island and that is where I am. I just have to be the strong person everyone needs. But I miss my friends, I miss having my own support system in place, my own comfortable rituals and things that I could count on happening. Routine. For me routine has always been a comfortable place, something I could hold onto in times of stress when everything else is up in the air.

I should elaborate more on this topic, It feels a little open ended, leaving it here, but my eyes are going cross eyed. So I will leave it for now to perhaps re-visit later. The long, short and simple of it is….I miss my friends.


Oct
06
Posted by

Oh what can I say poor little blog sits without much love as of late. No doubt about that I have just been so busy doing a lot of other things. That is the standard excuse but it IS true, excuse or not. Anyways I am really still to busy but once again someone in my life is suffering from a bomb going off. I always feel so helpless when this crap happens. I know it isn’t about me, but I do have feelings on it. Especially when some of the things said to me weren’t super fantastic either. I deal at the end of the day as I have covered before I am ” the strong one” so I always have to deal eh? Everyone is always telling me you deserve a better friend. Simple solution to that….be a better friend. I digress I did not set out today to make this post about me and my overly complex barely dealt with feelings.

No I started this post today to say as loud as possible VICTIM MENTALITY IS DANGEROUS. Now I am not going to say those with victim mentality haven’t at times been victims. The problem happens when you get trapped in that mindset. It is an addiction just as strong if not stronger then any others. But is is more dangerous because most people don’t see it for the dangerous addiction that it is.

“Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the nonpharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”
John W. Gardner

One big problem a lot of people have is that they slip into thinking of themselves as victims that have little or no control over their lives. In this headspace you feel sorry for yourself, the world seems to be against you and you get stuck. Little to no action is taken and you get lost in a funk of sadness and self-pity.

So how can you move out of that mindset? Well here are just a few solid points I have found.

1. Know the benefits of a victim mentality.

There are a few benefits of the victim mentality:

Attention and validation. You can always get good feelings from other people as they are concerned about you and try to help you out. On the other hand, it may not last for that long as people get tired of it.

You don’t have to take risks. When you feel like a victim you tend to not take action and then you don’t have to risk for example rejection or failure.

Don’t have to take the sometimes heavy responsibility. Taking responsibility for you own life can be hard work, you have to make difficult decisions and it is just heavy sometimes. In the short term it can feel like the easier choice to not take personal responsibility.

It makes you feel right. When you feel like the victim and like everyone else – or just someone else – is wrong and you are right then that can lead to pleasurable feelings.

In my experience, by just being aware of the benefits of from victim thinking it becomes easier to say no to that and to choose to take a different path.

2. Be ok with not being the victim.

So to break out of that mentality you have to give up the benefits above. You might also experience a sort of emptiness within when you let go of victim thinking. You may have spent hours each week with thinking and talking about how wrong things have gone for you in life. Or how people have wronged you and how you could get some revenge or triumph over them.

Now you have to fill your life with new thinking that may feel uncomfortable because it is not so intimately familiar as the victim thinking your have been engaging in for years.

3. Take responsibility for your life.

Why do people often have self-esteem problems? I’d say that one of the big reasons is that they don’t take responsibility for their lives. Instead someone else is blamed for the bad things that happen and a victim mentality is created and empowered.

This damages many vital parts in your life. Stuff like relationships, ambitions and achievements.

That hurt will not stop until you wise up and take responsibility for your life. There is really no way around it.

And the difference is really remarkable. Just try it out. You feel so much better about yourself even if you only take personal responsibility for your own life for a day.

This is also a way to stop relying on external validation like praise from other people to feel good about yourself. Instead you start building a stability within and a sort of inner spring that fuels your life with positive emotions no matter what other people say or do around you.

Yes this is a very black and white way it and things are not always that easy, but there has to be a line where you start and where the buck stops. Sometimes that line has to be a simple black and white thing.

4. Gratitude.

“Does someone have it worse on the planet?”

The answer may not result in positive thoughts, but it can sure snap you of a somewhat childish “poor, poor me…” attitude pretty quickly. And put it into more of a “I understand that I have much to be grateful for in my life”.

This question changes perspective from a narrow, self-centred one into a much wider one. It helps to lighten up about a situation.

After you’ve have changed my perspective its good to usually ask another question like:

“What is the hidden opportunity within this situation?”

That is very helpful to keep your focus on how to solve a problem or get something good out a current situation. Rather than asking yourself “why?” over and over and thereby focusing on making yourself feel worse and worse.

5. Forgive.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in thinking that forgiveness is just about something you “should do”. But forgiving can in a practical way be extremely beneficial for you.

One of the best reasons to forgive can be found in this quote by Catherine Ponder:

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”

As long as you don’t forgive someone you are linked to that person. Your thoughts will return to the person who wronged you and what s/he did over and over again. The emotional link between the two of you is so strong and inflicts much suffering in you and – as a result of your inner turmoil – most often in other people around you too.

When you forgive you do not only release the other person. You set yourself free too from all of that agony.

6. Turn your focus outward and help someone out.

The questions in tip #4 are useful. Another question to use when you get into the victim headspace is simply:

“How can I give value right now?”

Asking that question and making that shift in what you focus on really helps, even if you may not feel totally like doing it.

So you figure out how you can give someone else value, how you can help someone out.

And thing is that the way you behave and think towards others seems to have a big, big effect on how you behave towards yourself and think about yourself. For example, judge people more and you tend to judge yourself more. Be more kind to other people and help them and you tend to be more kind and helpful to yourself.

A bit counter intuitive perhaps, but that has been my experience. The more you love other people, the more your love yourself.

7. Give yourself a break.

Getting out of a victim mentality can be hard. Some days you will slip. That’s ok. Be ok with that.

And be nice to yourself. If you have to be perfect then one little slip is made into a big problem and may cause you to spiral down into a very negative place for many days.

It is more helpful to just give yourself a break and use the tips above to move yourself into a positive and empowered headspace once again.


Aug
31
Posted by

It is no secret to those who are close to me that since Dutchy passed away, I am a large open wound. I am not sure I will ever be able to move through it or if I am just going to end up feeling like this open raw wound for the rest of my life. All of the deaths that have happened in my life, human and pet alike have hurt. I know it sounds like I am playing kind of favorites, but that isn’t it. Dutchy was my familiar and more than that it felt like she was a part of me, she was a part of me. 17 years is a long time together and she was the rescue that came into my life as the first animal I had since my dog Scamper had passed away. She was with me through so many major life events that it would be impossible to name them all. When I was crying, she was there, when I was happy she was there. Dutchy was just always there. And now she isn’t and I am having an impossibly hard time with it. But I didn’t start typing this post to go on about that again, although it does have relevance to the main subject. You have to allow people to work through things. Whether it is because they are grieving or trying to wrap their minds around some kind of incident that has happened to them.

We are all human and we all do things and life is life and sometimes shit happens. That’s okay because that is how life works right? I mean you show me one person who has gone through life perfectly and I will eat the laptop I am typing on. Things happen. Here is the thing I feel about it, things will always happen can’t stop it, but it is how we DEAL with those things that matters. I really think you can tell a lot about someone by seeing how they handle situations as they crop up.

There isn’t a black and white, right and wrong way to handle things, we are all different and have to process differently. The one thing to me that comes across as a non negotiable, however is that you have got to try and let others process in their way. I know I am not perfect in that myself, but I always try my level best at it and I am continuing to work and improve at that myself. As of late though I find that I end up being a little less tolerant about it, not because I want to but because a lot of people in my life aren’t allowing ME to process things the way I need to. I know that sounds a bit childish and it is NOT how I expected things to go and I am working on it still but man oh man its just why can’t I process things too?

Lately anytime something crops up that I want to talk about or work through I am told to drop it. I am told that people don’t want to dwell, or let it drag down the whole day or whatever. I am by no means a person who wants to drag down an entire day over an issue, but really? Talking about things, talking through them that is a way for me to process and deal. I talk about things, muddle through them and then I work on letting them go. That is how I work when it comes to processing and healing. Sadly, I am not being allowed to anywhere I turn. I am hit with drop it, I don’t want to talk about it, get over it already and a myriad of other comments that amount to, NOPE.

Two very important people in my life have ripped me to shreds over recent times. They have said sorry sure, but I am still not being allowed to actually work through the problems. Sorry is a good place to start, but if you don’t allow people to work through it and sometimes that means working through it WITH you and TALKING about things that might not be super comfortable are you really all that sorry?

Sorry is a word and it can be a great jumping off point, but it is not a magic bullet. It doesn’t just fix everything. You HAVE to allow people to work through things. If you don’t, it’s just going to end up being a wound that doesn’t heal and it will likely fester and then where will you be?

If you love someone, let them work through it. Let them process, be there for them. Don’t tell them you just want to drop it if the issue is something that is important to them. You never know how much damage something like that will cause.


Jun
25
Posted by

As always I started this year with that same hopeful outlook that we all get when the new year comes. I was full of determination to keep all my glass balls in the air and everything else. Yet here we are coming up to the end of June and I feel as if I have allowed many of my glass balls to go flying and shattering to the ground. Especially when it comes to blogging. I have been working on one blog post for over a month *laughs* of course there have been some very good reasons as to why I have not gotten that done yet and why some of my glass balls keep shattering.

I have to admit that I simply can’t do everything.

My weekly planner fell apart within weeks of buying my 2017 one and I have not yet gotten around to making the homemade one I wanted to do. There just are not enough hours in the day and I simply don’t have enough energy to do everything I want.

It is very hard to admit that I can’t do it all but here I am admitting it.

I simply can’t do it all. I am doing the best I can and while I am disappointing in some things I am very proud of myself in others. My work continues to grow in so many ways, I am writing pen pals again and taking joy in that among some other things. I am proud of those things and I am trying to remind myself that it’s okay not to do everything perfect. I tell this to my friends and loved ones all the time but of course I tend to hold myself to a higher standard. I am working on that though because recently I have seen some of my loved ones holding me to my own impossible standard. That is a little bit exhausting.

Like everyone else I am a human too. I have my bad days, I have days where I hate myself. I have days where I am very sick and would just like to whine about being sick, eat some ice cream and watch some girly stuff with a girl friend.

I don’t get to do that very often. Honestly I am trying to recall the last time that I did that. I am trying to recall the last time I had a day to be sick where I wasn’t also thrown into the middle of some kind of hell storm.

I love my family. I love them with all of my heart and I would do anything for any one of them. Sometimes I don’t always like them though. Sometimes I want to ring necks and tell people to stop being stupid or selfish or a myriad of other things. What would that fix though? I would end up feeling guilty about it because even if in the moment it was true, it is hurtful. I do my best to not hurt the people I love where I can. Moreover, what is the point of allowing a temporary feeling go on to perhaps have a profound effect on the rest of your life and relationship? Not worth it. Not worth it at all. That isn’t to say I don’t slip up sometimes, I do.

Thankfully and knock on wood 2017 has not taken another beloved fur baby from me. I am however deeply worried that I am about to lose one if not two loved ones. I really hope that feeling creeping over my skin is wrong. I have done everything within my power to ensure I will be wrong, but after the last week I just don’t know. Even more recent events have me even more worried about it. I know that is vague but it’s all I feel comfortable popping out to the public at the moment.

Provided I can sort out the drama currently going on around me, beat the nasty flu which has me fighting high temps off and on and my nagging feeling is indeed wrong… I plan to get regular on the blogging again.

I am as always trying to find that careful balance between work, hobby and passion.

It doesn’t always work out well but hey I can keep trying right?

**Pardon any typos and the like I did not proof read before going ahead and hitting publish. I REALLY need an assistant or something…seriously.


May
21
Posted by

College sports lovers have March Madness me, this year I have May Madness. My blogging has fallen down into the cracks despite my new theme that I adore. I have been saying it every year for the last few years, that I will blog more and do better and something always happens. So I have decided to stop saying that, be kinder to myself and blog when I am able. After all I have to give myself a little bit of leeway, it is not as if I am sitting on my butt doing nothing when I could be blogging. I am a busy working mummy and thus always on the go go go go go. My reading suffers for it as well, though I am learning to enjoy audio books and allowing my kindle to read to me more. I am sure I will have time again one day to read from a hard copy book. I am pondering leaving behind any stationery, crochet stuff ect when I go to Phoenix comic con next weekend and just bring a book. Not sure I will be able to convince myself to leave both of those things behind (the crochet and the stationery that is) LOL but I am at least thinking about it.

May is my birth month and then there are others in my life who also have Birthdays and then this year I decided I just HAD to do a cosplay (typical con stuff too it isn’t and even close to being done probably be finishing it in the hotel room lol), then work has been going gang busters and there just does not seem to be enough hours in in the day.

Slap in some other personal stuff along with some serious pain issues and I am just looking around going gah where did the month go?! Seriously. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with work, although I know I am blessed to be busy, I know I am blessed in general. I feel bad sometimes when I just want to shout about it and tell everything to piss off. I am sure many would want to be in my spot, but we all have those bad days eh? Stress heaped on stress, but I do love my work and my family. Little Creations of Bastet truly is a sweet little shop that is slowly but surely growing. I am rather proud of that and have gotten another wholesale order to fill this month. Lots of work, but something that makes me happy.

In other news so that this May Madness post ends on a happy note. Who is excited for POTC 5 and Wonder Woman?! I KNOW I AM! Fangirl that I am, lol.


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