Once upon a time life was far more simple. I am not going back as far as childhood, but oh weren’t times super simple then? When the biggest problem you often faced was trying to find out if you and your friend could manage to get both of your parents to agree to an entire weekend of sleepovers. This would of course, sometimes involve agreeing to go to church. I am talking even just 5 or 6 years ago. Perhaps a bit further. From where I sit now, sure life was not perfect it never is but it seems like it was simpler in so many ways. It also felt like I had more close friends then. I am not talking about the family or lovers aspect but friends. I guess for me there is always a need to have the entire grouping as a whole. I am missing part of mine and I don’t know what to do about it anymore.
There is a point of course, when you are looking at life and the changes that have happened where you ask yourself if it is indeed you that is causing the problems. Now I will never say I am blameless, I believe that everyone involved in a relationship is going to have some blame when things go one way or another, but there are different levels of that. For me the result of looking at things is that, I miss my friends.
I miss my friends in Minnesota, we used to meet up for book meetings. I have a great many fond memories of chatting and sitting around just enjoying company in a wonderful comfortable spot with those book buddies. There is a plan in the future to make home base Minnesota again so perhaps that is something which in part if it is wanted will be able to be corrected. I am still in touch with some of these wonderful friends, but things don’t seem as close as they used to be. Part of life I know.
I miss my friend Vere. I know it was not a conventional friendship. We met online and in nearly 13 years we never met face to face. There was a wide range of reasons for this, a lot of it had to do with Vere’s fear of meeting with people, even friends. She had serious anxiety about it. Especially after a stalker almost took her life. I never minded though, because we communicated daily and shared everything but that one thing of being face to face. I would say we were as close as could be given that. We had routines and rituals, ones that I looked forward to and enjoyed so much. Three years ago on December 5th was the last time I heard from her, however. Everything went just as it always did, I never thought I wouldn’t hear from her again. But that was it. I have not heard from her since then. I don’t know what happened. I wish I did. She promised she would never purposely just vanish, see that is one of my fears to just have someone vanish and not knowing why or what happened. I believe she never would have just left. She was sick and had some other issues, so it is perfectly feasible that something happened. I just wish I knew for sure. She assured me that her lawyer would know how to contact me should anything that was the worst truly happen, but I don’t always trust lawyers in that respect. It is also possible with some of her brain issues that she could be in a coma or something happened and she has no memory of it. I miss Vere more than I can put into words right now.
There are other friends I miss too. Through things that have happened pains they have been created, issues that haven’t been dealt with. Most days I feel like I am on an island and everything calls it the oh but your so strong island and that is where I am. I just have to be the strong person everyone needs. But I miss my friends, I miss having my own support system in place, my own comfortable rituals and things that I could count on happening. Routine. For me routine has always been a comfortable place, something I could hold onto in times of stress when everything else is up in the air.
I should elaborate more on this topic, It feels a little open ended, leaving it here, but my eyes are going cross eyed. So I will leave it for now to perhaps re-visit later. The long, short and simple of it is….I miss my friends.
Tags: Friends
