I am still working on sousing out just what BOAN is going to be theme wise, but maybe I just need to let it flow naturally. Maybe it just needs to be a catch all. I don’t know. Setting that aside let me get to the topic of this post. I want to preface here, that if you are triggered by slightly dark themes or rambling or both you will want to turn back now. I will even put a read more thing here so you have to make the choice if you want to keep reading. It is not graphic or anything, but I am afraid this as the title suggests is not a shiny happy people post. Dark days happen…and I am working on not being sorry for that.
Everyone in my life calls me strong. I am always the strong one, the dependable one, the one who just keeps on going and a million other things that are meant to say you are the rock for everyone. I am proud of that, I am happy that I am thought of as someone who my loved ones can come to when they need support. I would never ever want that to change. Never.
I am Wonder Woman.
I don’t mind that. The problem for me crops up when people forget that even the strongest people among us need support sometimes. They need to be checked in on. Strong people are so often strong because they have had to be and because they have seen struggle. The strongest steel is forged in the hottest fire. I believe in that. I also believe in no matter how good someone’s life looks to those on the outside, everyone has problems. Everyone has doubts, fears, needs, wants, and all of the normal things that everyone else has.
I am blessed and I will never say I am not. I do have support, I can’t say that I don’t. However, I have my dark days, my downtimes. Like anyone else.
I am currently trapped in one of those dark times and the last few weeks it has felt like I might not be able to climb out of this one. Honestly I am so utterly exhausted from fighting so many different things on different fronts that in some moments I just feel like I want to stop fighting. Just drop the sword and armor, lay down and let whatever is going to happen happen. The chances of me actually doing that are slim, but the thoughts have been there and I can’t lie about it.
It is not because I don’t feel loved. I do feel loved and I am very blessed in love.
It is not because I don’t have success in work. I do have success in work, perhaps more then I deserve. I tell you though I work my ass off.
It is not because I don’t have family. I do. A lovely one that I wouldn’t trade. It is different then a “normal” family but I don’t care about what other people think.
I don’t know why I am in the dark pit right now other then, I am. There has been so much stress and so many expectations and everything else. Shit happens and shit can get heavy. Very heavy.
The weight of it is really starting to weigh me down as of late and I am at a loss of what to do about it honestly. Through the way life and death just are, poor choices on my part and other people’s part and just a variety of things over the past few years I have been beaten down by the loss of the friends who are more then friends in my heart. The loss of those who I thought could be that sort of friend has sucked too. It really makes me question how solid my judgement is in that department sometimes, but mostly it is the loss or feeling of loss of those special few.
A trinity of them has probably been the heaviest hit on me. There is the one who passed on. The one who has made me beg for them to be that friend but keeps pushing to see how far I will go perhaps? Yet still leans into me when unhappy about her Husband and other issues going on. The one who blew up relationships and life but has come back and apologized and had me dancing like a puppy over that (yeah I am a lame ass).
When things blew up, it felt like part of my insides were ripped out and shredded and taken down the other path. It feels like that part is returned, but I am not sure if the stitching has happened. If it will happen. Or if I am just being that over excited Puppy when I need to be more like a chill cat that says..heeey that’s cool you back, Imma go over here now and chill you come see me when ya want. If that is the case and we are on very different pages, well hey that is on me. I don’t hold that against anyone but myself. I thought we were on the same page, but maybe I should have verified, reverified and so forth. So that is on me.
It could also just be my personal dark hole bullshit making problems for me. That is also on me.
But what if it isn’t? What if I am the over excited puppy? Then what?
I know I never do anything by half measures. I know I make plans on plans on plans. That is just who I am. The good news is through my anxiety and issues and things over the years I have learned to be flexible with those plans where I can. Adjust them as I can. The longer term plans for me are much easier to be flexible on. I am still working on the shorter term ones. Anxiety and being a Taurus etc, make that stuff harder. I thrive on my routine and habits of comfort, especially with the people I love. It is just who I am.
I know things happen. I am not an idiot. I get it. But I can’t help how things make me feel. I can’t help when I end up feeling like I don’t matter. Or like I am being that over excited puppy when I need to be the cool cat. Things happening two days in a row, I def get the I am an over excited puppy feeling.
I probably shouldn’t be making this blog post, I try not to make a fuss about things like this, because I just don’t. Because I am the strong one. Because I don’t want to make anyone else feel bad. Because if it is just my dark hole thing why make anyone else upset, and all those other reasons to just stay silent. Yet, after a long night of work and such and being trapped in my hole of darkness I just needed to let it out and sometimes you have to let it out in a blog post instead of murdering your paper journal…..even more. I am trying to make sure I stay vague enough that it doesn’t seem like I am calling anyone out. I really am not doing that at all, not even a little bit.
I just want the pain to stop. I want the piece of myself, stitched and healed. I want that more then almost anything. That piece of myself is so important to me. So important that me the wordy one can’t think of the right words to say how much, I hate that too.
I just want some of my routine back. A small set of things to most people, but something I treasure. I treasure it so much.
Most of all I just want the love back.
I could probably go on. Explain more about the dark hole and the crying to sleep and other emotions and things I wish for, but I should probably stop nattering on. Because I am getting close to 1500 words in this blog post and I am getting over emotional about typing this out.
Anyone who takes the time to read this whole post, thank you. I know it’s long. The short message, make sure you check in on your strong friends.
