I am still working on sousing out just what BOAN is going to be theme wise, but maybe I just need to let it flow naturally. Maybe it just needs to be a catch all. I don’t know. Setting that aside let me get to the topic  of this post. I want to preface here, that if you are triggered by slightly dark themes or rambling or both you will want to turn back now. I will even put a read more thing here so you have to make the choice if you want to keep reading. It is not graphic or anything, but I am afraid this as the title suggests is not a shiny happy people post. Dark days happen…and I am working on not being sorry for that.

 

read more…

 

Wow the year sure is flying on like I am just standing still. August already. I mean really August, pretty soon it will be autumn. Well, it will be autumn in the places that get it, or it will be on the way to summer if you are an Aussie ect. Part of me is happy to see this year traveling on by and part of me wants to slam the brakes on and say SLOW DOWN.

 

July was a fairly interesting month. Sometimes I wish I could say hey, this month was boring everything went as planned and here is what I had planned. Life never works out that way, of course, and for me it is no exception. Many parts of life are going well and I can’t complain about those things. There are other parts of life that are really not panning out the way I hoped they would for the year. That is the way life goes, right? Life is what happens to you while your busy making other plans. I hope and have faith that August will be a month with more up’s in it than downs, hopefully.

You might be asking yourself now, well Ambrosia please tell us more about what has been going on. Patience, dear reader, I am getting to that. I am just getting back to blogging, working on the passion of it which can mean long, rambling stories much like the bards of the old were prone. The open tabs of my brain lately have been working double time and setting some goals and dreams, and many of them end up going right along with blogging. Imagine that.

 

Alas, I digress onto what the month of July was like. Well, first of all it was a big ball of interesting. I have had more than one friend turn on me and shred me to bits. This isn’t really a new thing, honestly, I don’t know why this happens and perhaps it is me. Perhaps I am not as nice a person as I think, the common denominator is of course me. Although perhaps it could be something else and maybe my desire to help people and my tendency to be loyal and loving once I let someone in can get me in trouble. Granted a great deal of this stuff started well before July but much of it came to head during the month.

One friend made sure to tell me fuck off bitch, stop calling me bitch, why do you keep contacting me bitch and many different phrases of bitch and leave me alone many times. I was blamed many times for things well beyond my control as well. I did get one phone call that was a bit of an appology, but it was also hard to understand the full message given a lot of things there. I love this person, very much. Beyond measure. When things really started getting bad with the name calling, the blaming and my concerns about mental health being thrown into my face along with many other things I tried to help. Then I had to make a choice, I even talked to a professional about it. I had to draw a line and disconnect myself so I would not enable. It hurt me to do it. Really, it has been such a hard thing for me to stand my ground on. I gave choices though, and I still stand by them. Get the professional help that is needed and I am there, as I always have been supportive, trying my ass off to do whatever I can. That is what I do. Don’t get that help and I have to remain somewhat disconnected. I hate it. I do. I worry all day, every day. I saw some news that said this person was getting some help. I really hope it works. I don’t know where I stand with this person though. The one post I saw involved something along the lines of, “I have added a few people to my contact list you know who you are.” and there was some other stuff, but what happens if you don’t know? I mean I like to think I am one of those people on the list. I would hope I am, but given the last interactions that were had I really have no idea. Meanwhile the idea of calling to find out if I am on the list, well, I won’t lie it has set my anxiety off in very many ways. What do I do if I get the confirmation that I am not on the list? I am not sure I could overcome that one. Weird, right? After everything else that has been said and done to me over things that is the one that I am finding the biggest problem. Maybe I am just a giant chicken shit. Who knows.

The other giant bombshell was finding out that another close friend has been adding stress to my plate for the last two yeasr. I wish I was kidding. I have literally begged and pleaded that if stress can’t at least be brought down and helped with just don’t add more to it. Apparently purposely adding stress to me was a way to make me feel more like this person. Yeah, I mean I can’t even compute that. I am really still just processing that one, so that is all I can really say about it at the moment. I think that is for another blog post.

On the bright side, August is a new month. There are things I have to look forward to. I have a million plans in my brain as I have mentioned. It is helping me to not sleep, which is a downside, but not really anything new for me I have long had sleep issues. I wish I, didn’t I really do wish I could sleep more like a normal person. So here is August a month that I am hopeful will be better, a month that will see me writing more, I hope. I hope I will be able to tell you more about things I have planned, maybe even write a few short stories here. Perhaps I can even start with my poetry again, it has been a very long time since I have written some poetry.

I know this post has bounced around a little bit, but welcome to Birth of a Notion. Birth is not easy and notions well they can be all over the place as well, so welcome to what it is. A little peek into the brain of a slightly crazy creative lady.

Wait until this crazy little brain of mine unveils a charity I have been doing for years and have finally decided to take it public and bigger. Of course, there is a million idea’s to go along with that one too. My brain just does not seem to allow me to think of one thing at a time ever.

I also really need to update the sidebars here, ASAP. Whoops.

 

Okay, I have not forgotten I have a blog. Or several. I just have been so busy as usual everywhere else that the blog is one of the things that falls between the cracks. I mean, if I have to chose between spending time with friends and family or typing up a random blog post, these days the blog never wins. I am okay with that, really I am. I am not going to drone on and beat myself up about it in this post because if I had to make the choice I would make the same choice again.

With that being said I need to start making more time for me again and for me sometimes that me time means sitting down and blogging. Now that is not going to happen overnight, but of course I am going to start debating and planning how I might make this work. The time for that is going to be coming soon. I am going to be leaving the States behind tomorrow and going back off to my favorite place the UK. From there well I will be going to other parts of the world as well. A gypsy heart and all of that.

This comes at a good time as well because I am seriously giving some thought to the world in general. To say that my friendships lately have been up and down lately would be the understatement of the century. It is no secret that I have several friends with some fairly serious mental issues. We all have issues and I suffer from my own anxiety and such as well. Sadly the hardest hit has happened in just the last three weeks and frankly, it has me a little bit shocked, awed and just unsure of much of anything at this point. You spend 8 years building a friendship, helping as much as you possibly can through the ups and downs of everything only to be told in the end you are a fucking bitch and you’re the reason someone is becoming homeless and those are just two of the nicer things said to me in this instance. I am not going to hash all of it out in a public post, but I believe this friend has had a breakdown of some kind or perhaps she is using again the behavior matches.

I have done this dance before with this friend, but honestly, it has never been quite this bad. I am so worried and so deeply concerned for her but if she won’t seek the help she needs and thinks I am the bad guy what else can I do? I spent about 2 and a half weeks sacrificing what little bit of sleep I got and family time and work time trying to sort out what was going on, trying to be supportive much to the downfall of my own health. That is on me though that was my choice, I won’t blame anyone else. There is, however a point where one has to draw the line and disengage no matter how much it hurts. It hurts me. I don’t give up on people. I don’t like to turn my back on those I love, but sometimes you have to make a choice and not allow them to completely drag you down and drowned with them. That is something very hard for me to do. So hard. I know whatever she is going through has to be hard as well, but after the last outburst I have heard nothing. I can hope she is okay and I do hope she is, even if she wants me to drop dead.

That is where the worrying about society and other things has been coming into mind. Why has society programed women to always see each other as competition? Yes, that might not be the first thing that comes to mind with a mental or addiction issue, but it is there. I have had less dramatic issues with women lately as well and that has clearly boiled down to that society normal that women don’t support each other but attack each other. I hate it. It’s why I have always felt I get along with men better. That is not to say I don’t have a few good women in my life, I do. I just wish I had more. I wish I could feel more open to making new women friends as well.

The latest events coupled with my other social anxiety and social issues frankly has me thinking why bother? I know logically that is wrong. Even in my heart, I know I want more female friends. I think women can truly life one each other up and support each other in amazing ways, if they would just do that. At this point I am starting to ramble a little bit, but I am overtired and overworked at the moment. I think I will end up sleeping for a week on my holiday. Maybe that will be the best thing for me. All in all it has been a bit of a rough time lately and frankly I miss my friends. This latest loss had dragged up a few other losses in my life as well and makes the pain more acute. I have told people I do truly feel like I am in mourning. I am mourning the death of a friendship and that really sucks. Hardcore.

I guess all that is left to say is what I usually say when there isn’t really anything you can do about a situation, it is what it is.

People claim they are trying to be supportive and there for me yet they get all butt hurt when I answer in an honest yet slightly guarded way. Like seriously? Leave me here with my damn comfort food and I will just eat my feelings away thank you. I don’t need any wishy washy support, I need real no strings attached I am here for you even at your worst support. I am sure some reading this will think this is aimed at one particular person but it’s not. It is a clear and honest shot across the bow of all of those in my life who say they are there for me and love me and are my friends and are trying to be supportive and then they snap at me because I don’t meet their expectation of what I should be saying. There is more then one of you and you all know damn well who you are. For the record I can’t help but wonder if those who continue to do this sort of thing ever stop to think perhaps it is the fact that any time an honest less then sunshiny answer is given there is a price for me to pay and I am tired of paying it. So sometimes it is just easier to say, I’ll live which is an alternative and more honest answer then I am fine when obviously I am not.

Over the last two years I have been making a serious work of trying to take back things that were taken from me. Two years before that I started making pushes and efforts to embrace other things. I won’t go in full detail here but for me to accept things and take back things about me has been a long and hard process. Like it is for anyone who goes through it I am sure. For the most part I have made strides towards my goals I feel, and yet I have a long way to go. Sometimes it would be a great deal easier to just be “normal”,  there are so many days that I think if I could just fall into a role that society would see as normal and live in that small box it would be so much easier.

Not that it would make me any happier, of course. Being something you’re not only sets you up for more pain in the end of things. Yet much like the Queen, whom one of my dear cousins has decided to call my alter ego, I was taught what seems like eons ago to conceal. Yes, perhaps it was not the exact same way that Elsa learned and was told to conceal herself. Leading to never ending anxiety.. which of course manifests itself into freezing an entire land in eternal winter. Yet the effect is the same. Once again, I find myself feeling like I said in an early post on this blog. I must always be the strong one, the independent one, the perfect one.

 

 

I do have many blessings in my life and I will be the first one to tell anyone that. I am blessed in so many ways. I have love, a roof over my head, food in my belly and clothing to wear. I can even indulge in some hobbies and pastimes when I have actual time to do so and am not working. I know there are so many people who do not have all of these things. There are people in this world who are suffering. I understand that and I try not to be petty. However, because I have these things, does that mean my life is perfect? No, it doesn’t. No life is perfect as no human is perfect. Moreover, the grass is always greener on the other side of the pasture. Just because all some see are the lush green blades of grass doesn’t mean there are not weeds, trouble spots and other unpleasant things to be had.

 

The beauty of the castle that was created through Queen Elsa’s castle cannot be denied. Many who look at it will only see the beauty and the fact that it is a castle. They will forget that while indeed it is these things it was a fortress from the world. An ice gilded cage in which the Queen could hide herself away from the world. The only way she felt comfortable being whom she truly was meant being completely separate from the world, from everyone even the sister whom she loved. Because she had been taught that to be herself around people was a terrible thing. Being herself meant that she harmed her sister. Being herself meant that those around her who saw the beautiful power she wielded would be scared of her. They would fear that power she was born with, lash out at her because of it. Some small few might covet the power for themselves and trap her even further so they could have her kingdom. Fear and jealousy are nasty things that seem to travel together in a pack finding every weak point in the prey they seek and hitting those weak points as hard as possible. Even the strongest among us will eventually buckle under the strain.

 

 

At any rate. I digress and have gone on another long ramble of emotional vomit, apologies to all and sundry who take the time to read it. I really should go back to just putting the happy things of life on the internet. This post when I originally opened the page was intended to make an announcement that I was thinking of bringing my pen/paper/ink reviews back in some form or fashion as J said he missed them. I didn’t think anyone really paid much mind to them back when I used to do them. The last one I did was in 2017, good grief a lifetime ago (and omg the blog design I had on that blog…designed myself so not razzing any designers oh what was I thinking). Alas, things happened as I settled in to write the blog post and this is what we are left with.

I apologize to the readers of this post. Perhaps the announcement will come on a different and a better day.

I am fine.

 

 

 

 

I know there have been a lot of advertising posts in the last few days. And if that irritates some of you I do apologize, but let me tell you why it’s been picking up. As my lovely blog has gotten more traffic, and more page rank I have also had more bandwidth use, and more fees. I don’t mind any of these fees and I am HAPPY that my blog is getting success.

That being said, having cancer myself, and not being able to have the usual 9-5 job I am used to affects the cash flow. So our advertising posts are the sponsors to keep the site going. They also help for me to be able to offer giveaways when I can. Some will be hattchette and they cover those of course, but others are my own personal book collection.

So in short, if you don’t like the advertising posts I totally understand. And you can just skip right over them. They are always marked advertising. I will never fool you on that. And for the most part I try to pick sponsors that I can relate with. It does not always happen but I do try.

What do you do about stress? I am curious to hear from any of my readers about what you do about stress levels. I have been fairly stressed out lately myself. The economy, being sick, financials you know its all stuff that you worry about. I am constantly wondering what’s going to happen next. Its like I am constantly looking at where the next bit of money is going to come from since I can’t work.

We make it work, and we manage it. Slowly but we do. It is still tough. And to make matters worse our lovely governor of the state of Minnesota wants to slash more public programs. Granted we have applied, and been denied (apparently I am not sick enough, and we make too much though we barely make enough to cover rent and bills) fancy that. I don’t know. No body likes taxes but I would much rather see a slight increase there than large cuts to public programs. But I digress I have switched topics way to fast here.

Stress, how do you handle it? This is a few ways I handle the never ending pile of stress that seems to be coming.

Deep breathing

Try to find something to laugh about

Write

And Set aside some time to just do something enjoyable.

That’s what I do…how about you?

Have you ever had one of those days where all you seem to do is cry? I have. Yup I sure have. And today was one of those days. Not bad crying mind you. Good cries. I was actually alright; right up until I was watching the Oscars, yes it was the Oscar’s that did me in. When they announced Heath Ledger took the Oscar for the Best Supporting Actor, I burst into tears. When his family came up on stage, and accepted the award for him, I tears slipped down my cheeks. And yet, even while crying I knew it was a good cry, a cry I needed to do. Heath won, and he deserved to he really did. His performance in Dark Knight was terrifying, psychotic, and just as it should be. The Joker was not a light character not one that should be taken lightly at all. I salute him, I bless him, and even though I didn’t know him I grieve with his family. Is that odd? Maybe, but you know I know a lot of people grieved, and still grieve for John Lennon, or how about Elvis? Kurt Cobain? (Though he’s not on my top list of favs I am sure he makes others) the list really could go on I don’t doubt.

So, it was the Oscars that set it off. Than I thought, alright well lets watch a movie, I know I will watch Prince Caspian, good book, good movie, Hunk of an actor (two really but the other one is still jail bait isn’t he?). This seemed like a safe movie to watch, well I cried anyways, several times actually. I cried when Caspian gets away, I cried when he finds out his father died, and I most certainly cried when Susan gives him a kiss at the end. Even if it wasn’t supposed to happen. Well fudge, I failed miserably at not crying again. Well since I was on a Narnia kick might as well play switch around, and so I watched the first one too!

This would prove to be a bad idea for the crying of course. First, before the crying I had to gasp and remind myself how young the afore mentioned ponder of jail bait was. VERY young (not that I am Ancient or anything). I made it right up until the part where Lucy finds her dear faun friend gone, than I cried. And I should suspect I just lost count after a while, Edmund leaving, beaver getting hurt, the river scene, Aslan dieing. The list goes on. Dang movies. But, even though I cried all that time I don’t feel bad. I don’t feel depressed or miserable, or any of those things. Sometimes, it really is alright to cry.