Born in the Tundra of Minnesota, I have since become a bit of a Gypsy. Currently calling home base the hot sands of Arizona, I do still travel often. Whether the journey is a physical one, or one taken by reading a fantastic book it doesn't matter, the fun is always in the adventure. As always I am an eclectic person that likes a wide array of things and has many passions. Creating, advocating for animals and Mothering just to name a few.

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I won’t go into a big to do about how bad I have been about this blog. Honestly, I struggled with a bit on whether I would keep this one or not. What I could turn it to and so on, and then a great deal of upheaval happened at the end of 2019 for me and well then 2020 happened to all of us. Oh my, 2020.

Covid-19 has been a scary time. I never thought I would see a time where not only America but the whole world would have to be put on lock down. Although even scarier than that I think perhaps is the people who don’t understand why. People shouting about having to wear a mask, or how they can’t get their hair done. Really? As of today over 107,000 Americans have died. The highest death toll in the world, but yes it is so wrong you can’t get your hair done. Oi vey.

Yet the event that has set the world on fire (rightly so), is the Murder of George Floyd by 4 police officers in my home state of Minnesota. I watched the video. I sobbed, I wanted to turn away but I also felt it would be wrong to look away. So I watched the whole video. I watched as Mr. Floyd said he couldn’t breath, begged to be let up so he could breath, said these cops are going to kill me and called out for his Mama. The man called for his Mama. I watched as bystanders begged the cops to let him up because he said he couldn’t breath, as they said check him for a pulse when Mr. Floyd stopped moving, one bystander identified herself as an off duty first responder even. The bystanders pleaded for them to render aid. I watched as one police officer was aggressive in keeping the bystanders back. It clearly seemed that he would have no issue taking his gun out and firing upon those bystanders. I watched as 2 officers held down his legs and torso, and I watched as another officer kneeled on his neck.

That officer, seemed almost smug as he kept his knee into George Floyds neck. He certainly did not seem any bit concerned that he was being filmed, or that bystanders begged for a mans life. He made no move to render aid. None. Not one finger did he lift. Almost 9 minutes he remained like that, 3 of them had Mr. Floyd no longer moving at all, completely unresponsive. This is the country we have created, where officers feel so confident that they can murder a black man in broad daylight, while being filmed and nothing will come of it.

Not this time.

This time the world stood up and cried out. I am one of them. I support the movement. I am an ally and I strive to do my level best to be a good ally. To use my white privilege for good. It feels like we are witnessing a revolution this time. I hope it really does spark real and lasting change. Yes there has been damage to buildings and goods, with riots striking right in the neighborhood I grew up in. But those things can be replaced. Lives cannot be replaced.

The man currently being called president in the white house has made an even bigger ass out of himself with how he has been responding to what has been going on. He made zero posts about Mr. Floyds death. He has instead only called for military and aggressive police tactics to calm the protests. He has gone out for a photo op and had peaceful protestors tear gassed for that photo op. The man is a lunatic and reminds me of Hitler. I suspect he will declare martial law if he can get away with it. Absolutely disgusting.

So, those are my thoughts at the moment. 2020 is a bit of a dumpster fire. However, I do hope we really do see real change happen. The officers have all been charged now. That is something different at least.


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Dragon power and GOT oh my. I am going to for the most part spare you the it’s been a billion years since I posted on this blog, and bla bla bla. Yes it has been a million years, yes I am working on that but also trying not to beat myself up to much about it and YES I am still struggling with the exact direction I would like this blog to take. I am hoping to get that sorted in the near future, I really am. I have been making good headway on my general game plan and with a little more solid help and guidance I think I will get there.


But let us all take a moment to talk about this final season of GOT shall we?


I mean really the dragon!


Be warned beyond this point spoilers doth lay! So either don’t click on read more, or if you have already, stop reading NOW.






Seriously I will be giving spoilers. You have been warned. I know it has been out forever now but people still fuss. SO I am making sure to be clear.

read more…

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I am still working on sousing out just what BOAN is going to be theme wise, but maybe I just need to let it flow naturally. Maybe it just needs to be a catch all. I don’t know. Setting that aside let me get to the topic  of this post. I want to preface here, that if you are triggered by slightly dark themes or rambling or both you will want to turn back now. I will even put a read more thing here so you have to make the choice if you want to keep reading. It is not graphic or anything, but I am afraid this as the title suggests is not a shiny happy people post. Dark days happen…and I am working on not being sorry for that.


read more…

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Hello there,

I am sorry is it 2019 already? Goodness. I have not seen this blog since August of 2018. Oh well, I mean I have seen it I just really haven’t had much for the posting. Don’t get me wrong, I love this blog it is one of the OG blogs, but between being busy with life and work and a bit of a feeling of well I am not sure what to post anymore I found myself stuck when it came to this blog.

This blog has gone through a few genre changes over it’s time. It was all about crafts for sometime, and then it was all about snail mail. Then  it was a bit just kinda sat there. Then a bit about writing. Then a bit more just kind of sitting there. Whoops. That could make it seem like I should just get rid of this one. That is not going to happen. BOAN is in my blood and just because have a little bit of trouble deciding what sort of thing I should be posting on here doesn’t mean I should give up on it.

I don’t give up on things or people that easily.

With one of my hard set goals of 2019 being to find more balance in things that sets working out my blogs and spending more time with them firmly into my line of sight. I have started this already with many of my other blogs..

The Purple Booker (was once Fire & Ice) has seen some improvements starting although I really do need to set about choosing if I am going to do more then just my main challenge for 2019. Either way I am playing catch up on some of the book reviews that need doing there.

Creations of Bastet, a my wonderful site that needs more building on it but the blog is getting some focus and I am very excited about that. I Have some ideas about things I want to share on the blog there. I really hope to make it a great crafty space to come and spend some time. I am also hoping to have some guest bloggers as well. We will see how it goes. So far so good though and while my computer issues have caused some problems and made me fall behind I am not going to let that get me down.

The Purple Gypsy while I have not posted there much yet this year, I do have an idea and a plan in place. Honestly I really just need to get my rear in gear about scheduling some things. At least it is all sorted out so I don’t feel to bad about that.

So what do I do with BOAN? I am not sure yet. I do know I want to have a general idea about it. I work better with at least some sort of theme or plan to work within. That is just how I work. So while I have not come up with that just yet. I will get there, because BOAN isn’t going anywhere.


Hello 2019, I might not always be right on top of it but I am here and I will keep on trying.

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If you consult any romance novel or rom-com be it young adult, historical or contemporary, and they will have you think that love is easy. News flash,

Love is not easy!

Whether it is family love, friendship, love or lovers love, it really is not easy. That doesn’t mean it is bad or not worth it. After all, isn’t the old adage nothing worth having is easy? The question ends up being if it is not easy, then is it worth the work you need to put into it.

Honestly, I will almost always say yes to that. There are a few small notable times when I said it wasn’t worth putting more and more work into a one way street. But, those are the exceptions to my general rule of once I let you in, you are in for life. I will bend over backwards, tie myself into a pretzel and a variety of other things to make sure you are ok, loved and know how I feel. As the previous post at the start of the month covered this does mean I end up being hurt a lot. On purpose or not on purpose. I will be honest, there have been sometimes this year where I thought it was time to stop doing that. It was time to be more cynical and perhaps treat people more like they were treating me.

In the end, however, I couldn’t do it. I don’t think I will ever be able to do that kind of thing. Why you ask? The short answer is that I truly believe in kindness and love. I do truly believe that if more people could just be kind and show love even in the face of something that is not love the world would be a better place. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel hurt, get exhausted and sometimes feel like giving up. I do. I am human like everyone else. It just means that after a bit of time, I will usually sigh, pick myself up and head back to seeing what I can do to help.

Love is hard. Loving an addict is hard. Loving someone with mental illness is hard. Very, very hard all of it.

But it is worth it.

Love might be hard, but it can also be rewarding. Love teaches you things, it teaches you that you are stronger than you thought and that missing someone sucks.  So I guess once again, I have gone off on a ramble, but I am okay with that because I needed to just ramble on. Currently it seems that is the form Birth of a Notion is taking a place for me to ramble. That is one thing I love about this blog when I sit back and think about it, that it changes and it flows and it moves like I do. We all grow, and change and learn and become different and then go back to something more familiar and become the best version of ourselves.

I have agonized over this blog on more than one occasion, about not keeping up with it, about how many different things it has been. It is like me. It makes me happy that I have finally managed to just accept this epiphany. So come along for the ride and the random ramble, or don’t it is cool either way. If you do come along, though I bet you will have a bit of fun. If you would rather something a bit more traditional,  you can always visit one of my more bog standard blogs that have themes, lol.

Anyways, I digress, Love is hard, but love is worth it. Love is worthy and Love needs to continue in this world, even when it is hard. Hate is the enemy. Hate will break us all and turn the world into a place that we may never come back from. So no matter how hard, I choose love.


Always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind.

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Wow the year sure is flying on like I am just standing still. August already. I mean really August, pretty soon it will be autumn. Well, it will be autumn in the places that get it, or it will be on the way to summer if you are an Aussie ect. Part of me is happy to see this year traveling on by and part of me wants to slam the brakes on and say SLOW DOWN.


July was a fairly interesting month. Sometimes I wish I could say hey, this month was boring everything went as planned and here is what I had planned. Life never works out that way, of course, and for me it is no exception. Many parts of life are going well and I can’t complain about those things. There are other parts of life that are really not panning out the way I hoped they would for the year. That is the way life goes, right? Life is what happens to you while your busy making other plans. I hope and have faith that August will be a month with more up’s in it than downs, hopefully.

You might be asking yourself now, well Ambrosia please tell us more about what has been going on. Patience, dear reader, I am getting to that. I am just getting back to blogging, working on the passion of it which can mean long, rambling stories much like the bards of the old were prone. The open tabs of my brain lately have been working double time and setting some goals and dreams, and many of them end up going right along with blogging. Imagine that.


Alas, I digress onto what the month of July was like. Well, first of all it was a big ball of interesting. I have had more than one friend turn on me and shred me to bits. This isn’t really a new thing, honestly, I don’t know why this happens and perhaps it is me. Perhaps I am not as nice a person as I think, the common denominator is of course me. Although perhaps it could be something else and maybe my desire to help people and my tendency to be loyal and loving once I let someone in can get me in trouble. Granted a great deal of this stuff started well before July but much of it came to head during the month.

One friend made sure to tell me fuck off bitch, stop calling me bitch, why do you keep contacting me bitch and many different phrases of bitch and leave me alone many times. I was blamed many times for things well beyond my control as well. I did get one phone call that was a bit of an appology, but it was also hard to understand the full message given a lot of things there. I love this person, very much. Beyond measure. When things really started getting bad with the name calling, the blaming and my concerns about mental health being thrown into my face along with many other things I tried to help. Then I had to make a choice, I even talked to a professional about it. I had to draw a line and disconnect myself so I would not enable. It hurt me to do it. Really, it has been such a hard thing for me to stand my ground on. I gave choices though, and I still stand by them. Get the professional help that is needed and I am there, as I always have been supportive, trying my ass off to do whatever I can. That is what I do. Don’t get that help and I have to remain somewhat disconnected. I hate it. I do. I worry all day, every day. I saw some news that said this person was getting some help. I really hope it works. I don’t know where I stand with this person though. The one post I saw involved something along the lines of, “I have added a few people to my contact list you know who you are.” and there was some other stuff, but what happens if you don’t know? I mean I like to think I am one of those people on the list. I would hope I am, but given the last interactions that were had I really have no idea. Meanwhile the idea of calling to find out if I am on the list, well, I won’t lie it has set my anxiety off in very many ways. What do I do if I get the confirmation that I am not on the list? I am not sure I could overcome that one. Weird, right? After everything else that has been said and done to me over things that is the one that I am finding the biggest problem. Maybe I am just a giant chicken shit. Who knows.

The other giant bombshell was finding out that another close friend has been adding stress to my plate for the last two yeasr. I wish I was kidding. I have literally begged and pleaded that if stress can’t at least be brought down and helped with just don’t add more to it. Apparently purposely adding stress to me was a way to make me feel more like this person. Yeah, I mean I can’t even compute that. I am really still just processing that one, so that is all I can really say about it at the moment. I think that is for another blog post.

On the bright side, August is a new month. There are things I have to look forward to. I have a million plans in my brain as I have mentioned. It is helping me to not sleep, which is a downside, but not really anything new for me I have long had sleep issues. I wish I, didn’t I really do wish I could sleep more like a normal person. So here is August a month that I am hopeful will be better, a month that will see me writing more, I hope. I hope I will be able to tell you more about things I have planned, maybe even write a few short stories here. Perhaps I can even start with my poetry again, it has been a very long time since I have written some poetry.

I know this post has bounced around a little bit, but welcome to Birth of a Notion. Birth is not easy and notions well they can be all over the place as well, so welcome to what it is. A little peek into the brain of a slightly crazy creative lady.

Wait until this crazy little brain of mine unveils a charity I have been doing for years and have finally decided to take it public and bigger. Of course, there is a million idea’s to go along with that one too. My brain just does not seem to allow me to think of one thing at a time ever.

I also really need to update the sidebars here, ASAP. Whoops.


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I used to be so passionate about blogging. I couldn’t get enough of it. I would oftentimes spend hours upon hours writing blogs, coming up with blogs and trying to be one of those super cool blog moms you see all over the internet. That part of things never quite went well and then slowly I stopped putting as much effort in. Then it was just like, why should I do it? I don’t feel inspired to blog and my creativity went elsewhere. I think a great deal of that feeling came from doing freelance writing work for other people for so long. It is very easy to burn out when you feel like your creativity is being put in a box or tried like that. That also doesn’t include any of my personal life stress or work. Load it all up like that and you can end up feeling just very meh about everything.

I don’t want to feel that way, but there is the honest truth, I feel very much meh about blogging lately.

I am going to try and work through and past it, because deep down I do still really love blogging. I still want to have fun with it and have different blogs for different things. Silly? Maybe, but it is a passion that, while the love has burned down has not gone out. So perhaps the passion is not gone, it is only hibernating like a bear in winter. I am not sure what kind of things I can do in order to re-kindle things or wake up. I believe part of the process will be writing out a basic plan for some of my (many) blogs.

The Purple Booker: Well, this one is set in stone and gets regular posts even if they are really only the weekly meme ones though I am working on being better with that. The Purple Booker was once Fire & Ice and has always been and always be a book blog.

Birth of a Notion: This is the one I seem to never really fully know what to do with it. I have made it an arty blog, a letter blog, a random blog, a writing blog. It has just gone all over the place and then it ends up being neglected. Perhaps that is the signal I am not paying attention too. Perhaps this blog doesn’t need to be any one specific thing, perhaps it needs to be like me, a little bit chaotic a little bit all over the place with a lot of love and feelings. Perhaps if I just sit back and allow it to flow and stop trying to force it into a hole to make it “popular” or something that could be a “money maker” then I can just settle back and enjoy the blog again. I mean I still love the current theme. I have loved the other themes it has gone through as well.

The Purple Gypsy: This was meant to be me getting back into photography and talking about my travel. I have not completely gotten into this one. Perhaps it is because I feel insecure about my photographs compared to others or perhaps once again, I was setting myself to focus too hard on making it what other people would want it to be. I want to keep the blog and I would still like it to focus on my modest photography and traveling. I just need to find the approach that is going to work best for me and not think about what other people will want it to be. Heck, maybe I will even make some Vlog things on Youtube. Oh Youtube..well tackling talking about that issue is going to be for another day I think.

Creations of Bastet: Now this is a website mainly,of course, one that I have not fully directed traffic to yet. I know why that is, purely worry that the traffic will not follow off Etsy to the website. I am working on that. There is of course a blog attached to it and I meant it to be a fun and crafty blog. Something to go along with the business. I have seen plenty of websites that do that especially ones that deal with the crafty arts. Again for me, I get stunted with it. Perhaps once more that is just my anxiety and worry. My anxiety has truly gotten much worse in the last few years for so many reasons. So what do you do with all of that? Well, you make a blog post like this to give it some thought and hopefully be able to find a clear and definable path.

Feels like Home: This was supposed to be a joint foodie blog with my sister, but it ended up feeling like something that just wasn’t quite right. Maybe it can be fixed, maybe that one will just be quietly let go or given fully over to her. I could always add the food part of my life to The Purple Gypsy as well. That is something that will have to have a conversation attached to it I think.

So there it is, a big long ramble about feeling a bit lost and wanting to find my blog groove again. Can I do it? Maybe. I hope so. I think so. If nothing else I feel like this post is a good first step. Looking at the blogs that are important to me, looking at why I have fallen behind on them and what I can perhaps do to get back. I think for me the biggest thing is going to be just to let go and enjoy the blogging. If others come along and like it fantastic, if they don’t that is okay too. I have other places where I focus my money making so the blog doesn’t need to be a focus for that like my ex used to say it did.

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Okay, I have not forgotten I have a blog. Or several. I just have been so busy as usual everywhere else that the blog is one of the things that falls between the cracks. I mean, if I have to chose between spending time with friends and family or typing up a random blog post, these days the blog never wins. I am okay with that, really I am. I am not going to drone on and beat myself up about it in this post because if I had to make the choice I would make the same choice again.

With that being said I need to start making more time for me again and for me sometimes that me time means sitting down and blogging. Now that is not going to happen overnight, but of course I am going to start debating and planning how I might make this work. The time for that is going to be coming soon. I am going to be leaving the States behind tomorrow and going back off to my favorite place the UK. From there well I will be going to other parts of the world as well. A gypsy heart and all of that.

This comes at a good time as well because I am seriously giving some thought to the world in general. To say that my friendships lately have been up and down lately would be the understatement of the century. It is no secret that I have several friends with some fairly serious mental issues. We all have issues and I suffer from my own anxiety and such as well. Sadly the hardest hit has happened in just the last three weeks and frankly, it has me a little bit shocked, awed and just unsure of much of anything at this point. You spend 8 years building a friendship, helping as much as you possibly can through the ups and downs of everything only to be told in the end you are a fucking bitch and you’re the reason someone is becoming homeless and those are just two of the nicer things said to me in this instance. I am not going to hash all of it out in a public post, but I believe this friend has had a breakdown of some kind or perhaps she is using again the behavior matches.

I have done this dance before with this friend, but honestly, it has never been quite this bad. I am so worried and so deeply concerned for her but if she won’t seek the help she needs and thinks I am the bad guy what else can I do? I spent about 2 and a half weeks sacrificing what little bit of sleep I got and family time and work time trying to sort out what was going on, trying to be supportive much to the downfall of my own health. That is on me though that was my choice, I won’t blame anyone else. There is, however a point where one has to draw the line and disengage no matter how much it hurts. It hurts me. I don’t give up on people. I don’t like to turn my back on those I love, but sometimes you have to make a choice and not allow them to completely drag you down and drowned with them. That is something very hard for me to do. So hard. I know whatever she is going through has to be hard as well, but after the last outburst I have heard nothing. I can hope she is okay and I do hope she is, even if she wants me to drop dead.

That is where the worrying about society and other things has been coming into mind. Why has society programed women to always see each other as competition? Yes, that might not be the first thing that comes to mind with a mental or addiction issue, but it is there. I have had less dramatic issues with women lately as well and that has clearly boiled down to that society normal that women don’t support each other but attack each other. I hate it. It’s why I have always felt I get along with men better. That is not to say I don’t have a few good women in my life, I do. I just wish I had more. I wish I could feel more open to making new women friends as well.

The latest events coupled with my other social anxiety and social issues frankly has me thinking why bother? I know logically that is wrong. Even in my heart, I know I want more female friends. I think women can truly life one each other up and support each other in amazing ways, if they would just do that. At this point I am starting to ramble a little bit, but I am overtired and overworked at the moment. I think I will end up sleeping for a week on my holiday. Maybe that will be the best thing for me. All in all it has been a bit of a rough time lately and frankly I miss my friends. This latest loss had dragged up a few other losses in my life as well and makes the pain more acute. I have told people I do truly feel like I am in mourning. I am mourning the death of a friendship and that really sucks. Hardcore.

I guess all that is left to say is what I usually say when there isn’t really anything you can do about a situation, it is what it is.

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Warning: Random rambling, prattle, emo, typos bad grammar and other such things ahead in this post. It might not make a whole lot of sense I am exhausted and a lot of other things. Feel free to just ignore this post and carry on with your day. Not sure why the inclination to post it.

Everyone has probably heard the saying, you can feel alone in a room full of people. It may sound cliche. However, like many things that are cliche it becomes so because it is rooted in truth and events that have happened. I have many blessing in my life. Some would even (and some have) say that I don’t have a right to feel down or depressed. That my life is pretty shiny compared to others.

And I can’t deny that. In many many ways I am beyond blessed. I am so blessed there are not words to clearly express the gratitude of those blessings. I have worked for them, as I believe you have to put in the work for anything in life. But I know how lucky and blessed I am in these things. And perhaps I don’t have a right to be down or depressed or anything else, but sometimes I am.

Lately I have just felt completely drained. Physically, mentally but most of all emotionally. I don’t really know what to do about it. Oh I know plenty of people and I have plenty of “friends” but in all honesty there is a very limited circle of people who I have let completely in. It is extremely hard for me to be a complete open book for me. I have been burned many many times and each time it becomes a little harder to do. The stakes get higher and I wonder if I will be able to handle much more. Throw a nice heap of anxiety on top and the being an introvert it can cause some issues.

Female friends have always been difficult for me. I don’t know why, they just have. I always have gotten along better with men. I wish I could tell you why, truly I do. I know much of it has to do with some of the back biting, back stabbing, clique nature that can happen with groups of women (I am not saying all). Or the fact that society has set women up to always compete with one another. Growing up though I did have a nice core group of very good non family friends. Sadly for the most part many of them have not carried over into adulthood. It happens right? I have some contact with a couple the others have drifted off like happens in life.

It is extremely hard to make new well bonded friends as an adult. I think that is something almost any adult will tell you. Its harder. That fearless nature you can have as a child is gone. But over the years I have managed to feel a true sense of connection and peace with three non family girlfriends. I have cherished those three people. I have done the best I could do be the friend who is there no matter what, who is sitting next to you in jail going wooeee what a night (no that hasn’t happened) and just do all those things. Maybe I am trying to hard? Might explain it because if problems keep happening and they are similar problems and the only common denominator is you….it can be tough not to think you are doing something wrong.

One of these friends just vanished one day. We went from speaking every single day for YEARS. To nothing. There was no sign no word nothing, she was just gone. I have tried everything I know how to do in order to find out what happened. But nothing. There is simply nothing, she disappeared and I have no idea why. Of course the first thing that comes to mind is oh gods what if she died. It is possibly she was dealing with some health issues. Though she always said she had things in place to make sure I would know and not be left wondering, that could have gone wrong. Of course she also could be perfectly fine and just for some reason that I don’t know and that I have begged to know decided to stop talking to me all together. Whatsoever the reason she is just gone and with it all the things I enjoyed doing with her. Our little jokes, our little code things we developed over those years. I miss that. I miss her.

The other two. They aren’t gone in the same sense of it. One has many very serious mental issues and I have known that and have done my level best to not take some of the things personally. I have had some very vile things said to me, done to me ect. There is always an apology and that wasn’t me it was a voice. Or you know I would never do anything like that. I used to know that, but I don’t know that anymore. That is how bad things have turned in the last years. I am still trying, it gets harder and harder to try but I still try. Maybe I do need to give up but I don’t like to give up on people. I don’t.

The other like all of us has issues too. There have been ups and downs and thick and thin and all of those things. Again I do my best. I will go to the end of the earth for the people in my life that I LOVE and I am not trying to talk smack or be passive aggressive or anything towards anyone referred to in this post. But I just can’t shake the feeling that I am reaching out my hand trying to grab onto something and just always coming up empty. And I am a sap for crying as I type that but there it is. It hasn’t always been like that sure. Granted there has been an unbalanced weight of supports with me taking the heavier side and I think she would agree in that, but it wasn’t always so bad. Things happen in life and I don’t expect miracles I really don’t. But I miss the friend I had. I miss the girl talk. I miss knowing I could just fly by the seat of my pants in a conversation and prattle on about sex and everything else. Yes I specifically say Sex because true trusted friends are hard to come by, true trusted friends who I can talk about sex openly without censor are unicorns. I digress I won’t delve deep down into that for the moment I could probably write a novel on that one topic alone. I miss it but a bomb went off and nothing has really been the same since.

I don’t try and dwell. It isn’t fair to dwell on the past if you want to try and move forward. But I am just a human too and I get hurt. It can also be very hard to move forward when you feel as if many of the things that are large wounds in you haven’t really been talked about or truly hashed out. I tend to shy away from bringing these things up because I don’t want to be accused of dwelling. I don’t want the fact that sometimes I still sob my eyes out because as I was uprooting my entire life, packed into some cars with my marriage that I was finally able to say was abusive ending. My worry over my beloved babies all packed in with those things and everything else….I was balled out and called many things including a bad friend, un-supportive and not there ect because I didn’t immediately pick up a phone call on a cell phone because some jackass at a job was yelling sexual embarrassment over changing uniforms. As soon as I could I called back (it wasn’t that long) and I did what I could…I supported, I calmed, I did all of those things while walking in a small circle in red dirt in 100 degrees somewhere in a little town in Texas. It as a long time ago. It has been basically apologized for, but it still hurts me. I have tried to mention it and was told I am dwelling, holding it against and how can we possibly move forward if your always throwing things in my faced at. So I leave it alone.

I try not to bring up the number of times I have been called purely to be the vent board and then the call cut short for one reason or another. Or the times I was told there was no time, patience ect for my problems. Or the other myriad of things like that which I try to just ignore because I don’t want to be told I am holding it above her head so on and so forth. and I am not holding these things up over someones head. At least I am very much trying not to. But how can I heal the wound if I am not even able to speak about the pain? How can I try to understand where these things came from and try and be sure they won’t happen again if I can’t talk about it? I don’t want to beat anyone up about it, I don’t want to be someone like that but I don’t know how else I am supported to fix the deep river of wounds that have been made over this span if I can’t talk about it.

I don’t know how not to feel wounded when I really need that supportive friend. That girlfriend not a man and I can’t have it because of other issues, or whatever else. Maybe I really am expecting to much and being a selfish bitch about it. Maybe that really is the problem.

I don’t know how to decide which thing I take as the one that counts. When I am told it is okay to talk about something again that was off limits….or the fairly fast shut down or then complete vanishing act when I stick my toe into the pool of those things. Maybe it is just coincidence? But it starts to add up and feel very conflicting when it happens more then a few times. I know how to do many things. I can handle many things but I don’t know what to do about any of this anymore.

I am so tired. So so weary down to my soul. So exhausted and I don’t know what to do about that either.

I just feel alone. It just feels like it would be easier to put my hand down and submit to the lonely blue exhaustion.

I miss my friend and I don’t know what to do to find my friend. I don’t know anymore.

I am in pain on different levels. I am scared of things. I am bored with other things and most of all I miss that special kinship.

I had better stop now as I can barely see anymore. I am sure this post will get me in further trouble, but I suppose it is a risk I have to take. I am already in that lonely land, so will it really make a difference?

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Hello 2018, we are a week in now and I am slowly getting my head around the whole new year new start thing. It was, to say the least a rough entry for the new year. A lot of stuff went off right around the new year and well, there was some fun, of course, who doesn’t work on a little bit of fun on new years eve but there was a lot of other stuff. I am working on shaking it off.

I don’t make resolutions because I think when you do that you set yourself up to feel shitty when you don’t meet them. I used to make them I did, but I got so tired of beating myself up over not meeting them. So I just stopped making them and overall I have to say I am happier about it. I do however, set myself some goals for the year. I think it’s a good thing to have some sort of path to walk. It helps give guidance and helps you get to where you want to go in general.

One of my goals this year is self care. I have this habit that is very hard to break. I am very good at taking care of other people. I am very good at giving advice, and dropping everything and trying to help others. It is one of the things I do. I won’t likely every stop doing it, because I believe helping others is important. It is something that I was taught growing up and I will always do it period. However, I do need to stop doing it to the point where it is actually harmful to myself. 2017… Well, I ended up being hurt a lot for helping.

So 2018 is the year where I still help but I try and care about myself more. It should in general also mean working less, but I am not fully sure that will work out, but I am going to give it a try. I am a workaholic and that is a problem most of the time. I am aware of it at least so self awareness counts for something right?

I am also going to try to look after my health a bit more. Supplements are coming! I don’t take horrible care of myself, but I know I could do better. Couldn’t we all? One thing I used to be good about and no longer am is taking supplements. I used to be very good at taking them, but once they add up and then my other medications I have to take for my health there was just too many bottles. Way too many bottles. When you travel around and are all over the place with work and kids and everything else having to carry around like 20 bottles is just too many. It really is just too much. Need an entire large bag just for them and lord knows I have enough to tote around with me.

Enter me spending time scrolling through things on Instagram and finding someone else who is focusing on some self care for themselves this year. They posted about a supplement company called Take care of they make personalized packets that have daily supplements all in one nice little package and best yet? They are kinda cute and put your name on them. I decided to go ahead and get an order from them so I can say more once I get them, but it’s pretty cool looking. Not the only ones who have made the concept I know, heck I got supplement packs for my horses that were all self contained and super easy too. Way easier than buckets and buckets of supplements in the barn. You of course pay for the convenience, but it’s always been fairly reasonable.

So I answered all the questions and I got personal recommendations. I agreed with all but one of them. The best part of that as well is that you are not required to take everything they say you can adjust the package as you want. Funny enough, they actually gave me supplements I don’t think most places or even Doctor’s would have thought of

Ashwagandha: Traditionally used herbal remedy that helps with stress and brain function, most commonly grown in India.
Rhodiola: Traditionally used herbal remedy, again helps with the brain function, stress and help with energy and fatigue. Traditionally grow in Russia.

being two of them. Fantastic supplements, but not ones you see mentioned often and ones personally I too, even with my big knowledge of supplements and herbal remedies would have overlooked. There are more in the packet, but gee do you see the general pattern for me ha ha ha. Anyways, right, so that is step one and I am hoping it is the first of many take care of me step for 2018. Another fun thing about this particular company is the packets have quotes on them every day. They even showed me a little sample when I set up for my first month. It is of course as so many things these days a subscription service.

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