Born in the Tundra of Minnesota, I have since become a bit of a Gypsy. Currently calling home base the hot sands of Arizona, I do still travel often. Whether the journey is a physical one, or one taken by reading a fantastic book it doesn't matter, the fun is always in the adventure. As always I am an eclectic person that likes a wide array of things and has many passions. Creating, advocating for animals and Mothering just to name a few.


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The Purple Booker







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Jul
16
Posted by

I used to be so passionate about blogging. I couldn’t get enough of it. I would oftentimes spend hours upon hours writing blogs, coming up with blogs and trying to be one of those super cool blog moms you see all over the internet. That part of things never quite went well and then slowly I stopped putting as much effort in. Then it was just like, why should I do it? I don’t feel inspired to blog and my creativity went elsewhere. I think a great deal of that feeling came from doing freelance writing work for other people for so long. It is very easy to burn out when you feel like your creativity is being put in a box or tried like that. That also doesn’t include any of my personal life stress or work. Load it all up like that and you can end up feeling just very meh about everything.

I don’t want to feel that way, but there is the honest truth, I feel very much meh about blogging lately.

I am going to try and work through and past it, because deep down I do still really love blogging. I still want to have fun with it and have different blogs for different things. Silly? Maybe, but it is a passion that, while the love has burned down has not gone out. So perhaps the passion is not gone, it is only hibernating like a bear in winter. I am not sure what kind of things I can do in order to re-kindle things or wake up. I believe part of the process will be writing out a basic plan for some of my (many) blogs.

The Purple Booker: Well, this one is set in stone and gets regular posts even if they are really only the weekly meme ones though I am working on being better with that. The Purple Booker was once Fire & Ice and has always been and always be a book blog.

Birth of a Notion: This is the one I seem to never really fully know what to do with it. I have made it an arty blog, a letter blog, a random blog, a writing blog. It has just gone all over the place and then it ends up being neglected. Perhaps that is the signal I am not paying attention too. Perhaps this blog doesn’t need to be any one specific thing, perhaps it needs to be like me, a little bit chaotic a little bit all over the place with a lot of love and feelings. Perhaps if I just sit back and allow it to flow and stop trying to force it into a hole to make it “popular” or something that could be a “money maker” then I can just settle back and enjoy the blog again. I mean I still love the current theme. I have loved the other themes it has gone through as well.

The Purple Gypsy: This was meant to be me getting back into photography and talking about my travel. I have not completely gotten into this one. Perhaps it is because I feel insecure about my photographs compared to others or perhaps once again, I was setting myself to focus too hard on making it what other people would want it to be. I want to keep the blog and I would still like it to focus on my modest photography and traveling. I just need to find the approach that is going to work best for me and not think about what other people will want it to be. Heck, maybe I will even make some Vlog things on Youtube. Oh Youtube..well tackling talking about that issue is going to be for another day I think.

Creations of Bastet: Now this is a website mainly,of course, one that I have not fully directed traffic to yet. I know why that is, purely worry that the traffic will not follow off Etsy to the website. I am working on that. There is of course a blog attached to it and I meant it to be a fun and crafty blog. Something to go along with the business. I have seen plenty of websites that do that especially ones that deal with the crafty arts. Again for me, I get stunted with it. Perhaps once more that is just my anxiety and worry. My anxiety has truly gotten much worse in the last few years for so many reasons. So what do you do with all of that? Well, you make a blog post like this to give it some thought and hopefully be able to find a clear and definable path.

Feels like Home: This was supposed to be a joint foodie blog with my sister, but it ended up feeling like something that just wasn’t quite right. Maybe it can be fixed, maybe that one will just be quietly let go or given fully over to her. I could always add the food part of my life to The Purple Gypsy as well. That is something that will have to have a conversation attached to it I think.

So there it is, a big long ramble about feeling a bit lost and wanting to find my blog groove again. Can I do it? Maybe. I hope so. I think so. If nothing else I feel like this post is a good first step. Looking at the blogs that are important to me, looking at why I have fallen behind on them and what I can perhaps do to get back. I think for me the biggest thing is going to be just to let go and enjoy the blogging. If others come along and like it fantastic, if they don’t that is okay too. I have other places where I focus my money making so the blog doesn’t need to be a focus for that like my ex used to say it did.


May
07
Posted by

Okay, I have not forgotten I have a blog. Or several. I just have been so busy as usual everywhere else that the blog is one of the things that falls between the cracks. I mean, if I have to chose between spending time with friends and family or typing up a random blog post, these days the blog never wins. I am okay with that, really I am. I am not going to drone on and beat myself up about it in this post because if I had to make the choice I would make the same choice again.

With that being said I need to start making more time for me again and for me sometimes that me time means sitting down and blogging. Now that is not going to happen overnight, but of course I am going to start debating and planning how I might make this work. The time for that is going to be coming soon. I am going to be leaving the States behind tomorrow and going back off to my favorite place the UK. From there well I will be going to other parts of the world as well. A gypsy heart and all of that.

This comes at a good time as well because I am seriously giving some thought to the world in general. To say that my friendships lately have been up and down lately would be the understatement of the century. It is no secret that I have several friends with some fairly serious mental issues. We all have issues and I suffer from my own anxiety and such as well. Sadly the hardest hit has happened in just the last three weeks and frankly, it has me a little bit shocked, awed and just unsure of much of anything at this point. You spend 8 years building a friendship, helping as much as you possibly can through the ups and downs of everything only to be told in the end you are a fucking bitch and you’re the reason someone is becoming homeless and those are just two of the nicer things said to me in this instance. I am not going to hash all of it out in a public post, but I believe this friend has had a breakdown of some kind or perhaps she is using again the behavior matches.

I have done this dance before with this friend, but honestly, it has never been quite this bad. I am so worried and so deeply concerned for her but if she won’t seek the help she needs and thinks I am the bad guy what else can I do? I spent about 2 and a half weeks sacrificing what little bit of sleep I got and family time and work time trying to sort out what was going on, trying to be supportive much to the downfall of my own health. That is on me though that was my choice, I won’t blame anyone else. There is, however a point where one has to draw the line and disengage no matter how much it hurts. It hurts me. I don’t give up on people. I don’t like to turn my back on those I love, but sometimes you have to make a choice and not allow them to completely drag you down and drowned with them. That is something very hard for me to do. So hard. I know whatever she is going through has to be hard as well, but after the last outburst I have heard nothing. I can hope she is okay and I do hope she is, even if she wants me to drop dead.

That is where the worrying about society and other things has been coming into mind. Why has society programed women to always see each other as competition? Yes, that might not be the first thing that comes to mind with a mental or addiction issue, but it is there. I have had less dramatic issues with women lately as well and that has clearly boiled down to that society normal that women don’t support each other but attack each other. I hate it. It’s why I have always felt I get along with men better. That is not to say I don’t have a few good women in my life, I do. I just wish I had more. I wish I could feel more open to making new women friends as well.

The latest events coupled with my other social anxiety and social issues frankly has me thinking why bother? I know logically that is wrong. Even in my heart, I know I want more female friends. I think women can truly life one each other up and support each other in amazing ways, if they would just do that. At this point I am starting to ramble a little bit, but I am overtired and overworked at the moment. I think I will end up sleeping for a week on my holiday. Maybe that will be the best thing for me. All in all it has been a bit of a rough time lately and frankly I miss my friends. This latest loss had dragged up a few other losses in my life as well and makes the pain more acute. I have told people I do truly feel like I am in mourning. I am mourning the death of a friendship and that really sucks. Hardcore.

I guess all that is left to say is what I usually say when there isn’t really anything you can do about a situation, it is what it is.


Mar
22
Posted by

Warning: Random rambling, prattle, emo, typos bad grammar and other such things ahead in this post. It might not make a whole lot of sense I am exhausted and a lot of other things. Feel free to just ignore this post and carry on with your day. Not sure why the inclination to post it.

Everyone has probably heard the saying, you can feel alone in a room full of people. It may sound cliche. However, like many things that are cliche it becomes so because it is rooted in truth and events that have happened. I have many blessing in my life. Some would even (and some have) say that I don’t have a right to feel down or depressed. That my life is pretty shiny compared to others.

And I can’t deny that. In many many ways I am beyond blessed. I am so blessed there are not words to clearly express the gratitude of those blessings. I have worked for them, as I believe you have to put in the work for anything in life. But I know how lucky and blessed I am in these things. And perhaps I don’t have a right to be down or depressed or anything else, but sometimes I am.

Lately I have just felt completely drained. Physically, mentally but most of all emotionally. I don’t really know what to do about it. Oh I know plenty of people and I have plenty of “friends” but in all honesty there is a very limited circle of people who I have let completely in. It is extremely hard for me to be a complete open book for me. I have been burned many many times and each time it becomes a little harder to do. The stakes get higher and I wonder if I will be able to handle much more. Throw a nice heap of anxiety on top and the being an introvert it can cause some issues.

Female friends have always been difficult for me. I don’t know why, they just have. I always have gotten along better with men. I wish I could tell you why, truly I do. I know much of it has to do with some of the back biting, back stabbing, clique nature that can happen with groups of women (I am not saying all). Or the fact that society has set women up to always compete with one another. Growing up though I did have a nice core group of very good non family friends. Sadly for the most part many of them have not carried over into adulthood. It happens right? I have some contact with a couple the others have drifted off like happens in life.

It is extremely hard to make new well bonded friends as an adult. I think that is something almost any adult will tell you. Its harder. That fearless nature you can have as a child is gone. But over the years I have managed to feel a true sense of connection and peace with three non family girlfriends. I have cherished those three people. I have done the best I could do be the friend who is there no matter what, who is sitting next to you in jail going wooeee what a night (no that hasn’t happened) and just do all those things. Maybe I am trying to hard? Might explain it because if problems keep happening and they are similar problems and the only common denominator is you….it can be tough not to think you are doing something wrong.

One of these friends just vanished one day. We went from speaking every single day for YEARS. To nothing. There was no sign no word nothing, she was just gone. I have tried everything I know how to do in order to find out what happened. But nothing. There is simply nothing, she disappeared and I have no idea why. Of course the first thing that comes to mind is oh gods what if she died. It is possibly she was dealing with some health issues. Though she always said she had things in place to make sure I would know and not be left wondering, that could have gone wrong. Of course she also could be perfectly fine and just for some reason that I don’t know and that I have begged to know decided to stop talking to me all together. Whatsoever the reason she is just gone and with it all the things I enjoyed doing with her. Our little jokes, our little code things we developed over those years. I miss that. I miss her.

The other two. They aren’t gone in the same sense of it. One has many very serious mental issues and I have known that and have done my level best to not take some of the things personally. I have had some very vile things said to me, done to me ect. There is always an apology and that wasn’t me it was a voice. Or you know I would never do anything like that. I used to know that, but I don’t know that anymore. That is how bad things have turned in the last years. I am still trying, it gets harder and harder to try but I still try. Maybe I do need to give up but I don’t like to give up on people. I don’t.

The other like all of us has issues too. There have been ups and downs and thick and thin and all of those things. Again I do my best. I will go to the end of the earth for the people in my life that I LOVE and I am not trying to talk smack or be passive aggressive or anything towards anyone referred to in this post. But I just can’t shake the feeling that I am reaching out my hand trying to grab onto something and just always coming up empty. And I am a sap for crying as I type that but there it is. It hasn’t always been like that sure. Granted there has been an unbalanced weight of supports with me taking the heavier side and I think she would agree in that, but it wasn’t always so bad. Things happen in life and I don’t expect miracles I really don’t. But I miss the friend I had. I miss the girl talk. I miss knowing I could just fly by the seat of my pants in a conversation and prattle on about sex and everything else. Yes I specifically say Sex because true trusted friends are hard to come by, true trusted friends who I can talk about sex openly without censor are unicorns. I digress I won’t delve deep down into that for the moment I could probably write a novel on that one topic alone. I miss it but a bomb went off and nothing has really been the same since.

I don’t try and dwell. It isn’t fair to dwell on the past if you want to try and move forward. But I am just a human too and I get hurt. It can also be very hard to move forward when you feel as if many of the things that are large wounds in you haven’t really been talked about or truly hashed out. I tend to shy away from bringing these things up because I don’t want to be accused of dwelling. I don’t want the fact that sometimes I still sob my eyes out because as I was uprooting my entire life, packed into some cars with my marriage that I was finally able to say was abusive ending. My worry over my beloved babies all packed in with those things and everything else….I was balled out and called many things including a bad friend, un-supportive and not there ect because I didn’t immediately pick up a phone call on a cell phone because some jackass at a job was yelling sexual embarrassment over changing uniforms. As soon as I could I called back (it wasn’t that long) and I did what I could…I supported, I calmed, I did all of those things while walking in a small circle in red dirt in 100 degrees somewhere in a little town in Texas. It as a long time ago. It has been basically apologized for, but it still hurts me. I have tried to mention it and was told I am dwelling, holding it against and how can we possibly move forward if your always throwing things in my faced at. So I leave it alone.

I try not to bring up the number of times I have been called purely to be the vent board and then the call cut short for one reason or another. Or the times I was told there was no time, patience ect for my problems. Or the other myriad of things like that which I try to just ignore because I don’t want to be told I am holding it above her head so on and so forth. and I am not holding these things up over someones head. At least I am very much trying not to. But how can I heal the wound if I am not even able to speak about the pain? How can I try to understand where these things came from and try and be sure they won’t happen again if I can’t talk about it? I don’t want to beat anyone up about it, I don’t want to be someone like that but I don’t know how else I am supported to fix the deep river of wounds that have been made over this span if I can’t talk about it.

I don’t know how not to feel wounded when I really need that supportive friend. That girlfriend not a man and I can’t have it because of other issues, or whatever else. Maybe I really am expecting to much and being a selfish bitch about it. Maybe that really is the problem.

I don’t know how to decide which thing I take as the one that counts. When I am told it is okay to talk about something again that was off limits….or the fairly fast shut down or then complete vanishing act when I stick my toe into the pool of those things. Maybe it is just coincidence? But it starts to add up and feel very conflicting when it happens more then a few times. I know how to do many things. I can handle many things but I don’t know what to do about any of this anymore.

I am so tired. So so weary down to my soul. So exhausted and I don’t know what to do about that either.

I just feel alone. It just feels like it would be easier to put my hand down and submit to the lonely blue exhaustion.

I miss my friend and I don’t know what to do to find my friend. I don’t know anymore.

I am in pain on different levels. I am scared of things. I am bored with other things and most of all I miss that special kinship.

I had better stop now as I can barely see anymore. I am sure this post will get me in further trouble, but I suppose it is a risk I have to take. I am already in that lonely land, so will it really make a difference?


Jan
06
Posted by

Hello 2018, we are a week in now and I am slowly getting my head around the whole new year new start thing. It was, to say the least a rough entry for the new year. A lot of stuff went off right around the new year and well, there was some fun, of course, who doesn’t work on a little bit of fun on new years eve but there was a lot of other stuff. I am working on shaking it off.

I don’t make resolutions because I think when you do that you set yourself up to feel shitty when you don’t meet them. I used to make them I did, but I got so tired of beating myself up over not meeting them. So I just stopped making them and overall I have to say I am happier about it. I do however, set myself some goals for the year. I think it’s a good thing to have some sort of path to walk. It helps give guidance and helps you get to where you want to go in general.

One of my goals this year is self care. I have this habit that is very hard to break. I am very good at taking care of other people. I am very good at giving advice, and dropping everything and trying to help others. It is one of the things I do. I won’t likely every stop doing it, because I believe helping others is important. It is something that I was taught growing up and I will always do it period. However, I do need to stop doing it to the point where it is actually harmful to myself. 2017… Well, I ended up being hurt a lot for helping.

So 2018 is the year where I still help but I try and care about myself more. It should in general also mean working less, but I am not fully sure that will work out, but I am going to give it a try. I am a workaholic and that is a problem most of the time. I am aware of it at least so self awareness counts for something right?

I am also going to try to look after my health a bit more. Supplements are coming! I don’t take horrible care of myself, but I know I could do better. Couldn’t we all? One thing I used to be good about and no longer am is taking supplements. I used to be very good at taking them, but once they add up and then my other medications I have to take for my health there was just too many bottles. Way too many bottles. When you travel around and are all over the place with work and kids and everything else having to carry around like 20 bottles is just too many. It really is just too much. Need an entire large bag just for them and lord knows I have enough to tote around with me.

Enter me spending time scrolling through things on Instagram and finding someone else who is focusing on some self care for themselves this year. They posted about a supplement company called Take care of they make personalized packets that have daily supplements all in one nice little package and best yet? They are kinda cute and put your name on them. I decided to go ahead and get an order from them so I can say more once I get them, but it’s pretty cool looking. Not the only ones who have made the concept I know, heck I got supplement packs for my horses that were all self contained and super easy too. Way easier than buckets and buckets of supplements in the barn. You of course pay for the convenience, but it’s always been fairly reasonable.

So I answered all the questions and I got personal recommendations. I agreed with all but one of them. The best part of that as well is that you are not required to take everything they say you can adjust the package as you want. Funny enough, they actually gave me supplements I don’t think most places or even Doctor’s would have thought of

Ashwagandha: Traditionally used herbal remedy that helps with stress and brain function, most commonly grown in India.
Rhodiola: Traditionally used herbal remedy, again helps with the brain function, stress and help with energy and fatigue. Traditionally grow in Russia.

being two of them. Fantastic supplements, but not ones you see mentioned often and ones personally I too, even with my big knowledge of supplements and herbal remedies would have overlooked. There are more in the packet, but gee do you see the general pattern for me ha ha ha. Anyways, right, so that is step one and I am hoping it is the first of many take care of me step for 2018. Another fun thing about this particular company is the packets have quotes on them every day. They even showed me a little sample when I set up for my first month. It is of course as so many things these days a subscription service.


Dec
29
Posted by

2017 has been a hell of a year. Anything good about it has a stack the size of Texas along side it that is bad. If my last blog posts are any indication, it gives you a small glimpse at shit. That is a small glimpse. There are so many things I haven’t mentioned here or even really out loud. The spectacular shit show that was my life yesterday evening….for starters would boggle most people. Hell it boggles me, but apparently I share to much when I get reemed, or I share to little and don’t trust people. Guess it depends on the minute I am being yelled at. Confused? Yeah me too. I do know there was a point today as I listened to a littany of how my work is harming someone else and that I use my work as an excuse for….no idea because I still am sorting through how work is a bad thing for the first time in a long time I SERIOUSLY thought it would be so much easier to go to sleep forever then have everything I’ve ever done be used as a weapon to injure me for whatever reason.

Apparently there is something about me that has a huge neon sign on it that says please take all of your shit out on me. Of course even attempts to cut the toxic out of my life (even when I am told too!) are wrong. Its wrong to think a person who’s been laying into you when your friends may not bother to pay it back when you are no longer friends. It’s wrong to think given the constant shitty feeling you get over it all or the fairly consistent change of payment dates with little to no information that once whatever thread there is of give a damn is removed there is likely to be problems. There are lots of otherthings I could add to this but doing so would be pointless and likely also result in me getting in trouble for sharing to much about what was leveled on me and whatever else. I can’t keep up.

Biggest lesson I took away from the day. I really should have listned to every single common sense thing that say’s dont lend money to people you care about. Don’t talk about money with people you care about. Money is in general an evil thing the causes nothing but problems.

I’ll leave Shakespeare out of it but its kind of scary how every single book, article and so on about the topic says nearly the same thing. Just two examples…

6. The Borrower May Ask for More
Once you have lent money to a friend or family member, this person may return when he or she needs more money. In addition, other friends and family members may also ask you for a loan.

Pro Tip: Don’t become the go-to lender in your circle of family and friends. You should never be in a state of constant lending.

7. You Enable Instead of Help Your Friend or Family Member
When you lend money to friends or family members, you give them an easy way out of their financial problems, instead of helping them work through their issues.

For example, your cousin may ask for some money to pay off her credit card bill, but she needs help learning how to make a budget. In that situation, refuse the loan, but offer to help your cousin create a budget or to look for alternative forms of income.

Pro Tip: Put your friends or family members in a position that improves their financial situation as well as their understanding of money management in order to truly help them.

Even though you want to be a good person, and you want your friend or family member to love you, don’t lend him or her money if you can help it. Gently refuse the loan, and determine the best way to help your loved ones, instead of enabling them.

Sometimes loving someone involves doing something that they do not want, and they may be disappointed or mad. But if you have their best interests in mind, you can rest easier knowing you won’t jeopardize your relationship.Even though you want to be a good person, and you want your friend or family member to love you, don’t lend him or her money if you can help it. Gently refuse the loan, and determine the best way to help your loved ones, instead of enabling them.

Sometimes loving someone involves doing something that they do not want, and they may be disappointed or mad. But if you have their best interests in mind, you can rest easier knowing you won’t jeopardize your relationship.

Yeah sadly that last bit that saying no will let you rest easier and not relationship harm is utter bullshit. I’m always fucked either way.

I am tired.

Oh wait sorry I am not allowed to talk about that.


Dec
28
Posted by

I don’t blog. I read a lot though. Thanks Ambrosia for letting me guest post sons information I feel is useful to lots of people. 👍🏼💜

Article one: Displaced aggression

What do you do when you’re stressed, swamped or seriously overwhelmed? Unleash hell on an innocent bystander, of course! But if you’d rather stop displacing your feelings and start facing your troubles head-on, Martha Beck has a game plan for you.

So your best friend at the office is suddenly let go, and you spend the rest of the day dreading that the ax is about to fall on you, too. Later, at home, you hold it together — until your 6-year-old pops out of bed for the fifth time, asking for another glass of water. At which point you hear yourself roar, “Oh for heaven’s sake! Would it kill you to just go to sleep for once?!”

Or maybe as soon as you leave the office, you head to your parents’ house for your second shift. Your mother suffers from Alzheimer’s, and your father recently broke his hip. You manage to stay cheerful with both of them, but at home that night, when your husband innocently asks where to find the peanut butter, you snap, “Figure it out, Sherlock.”

Or perhaps one morning, without even meaning to, you notice a series of intimate texts between your boyfriend and someone named Tiffany. You drive to work, glance through the papers in your in-box, then blast into your assistant’s cubicle like a hurricane. “When will you learn to conjugate the verb to lie? Am I paying you to write like a moron?”

Psychologists call this phenomenon displaced aggression. Often when we feel powerless, we dump our anger on someone else — someone we know won’t fight back. Military folks have a charming phrase for displaced aggression, which, for the sake of politeness, I will euphemize here as “stress rolls downhill.” I’m sure you can recall times when people rolled their stress onto your unprotected head. And unless you’re a saint, I’m sure you’ve rolled your stress onto others’. Learning to stop stress-rolling is one of the best things you can do for your relationships and your general life satisfaction. Let’s start now, before someone else gets hurt.

Know How to Roll

The cause of stress-rolling is always the same: You experience a situation in which you feel too overwhelmed, confused or scared to express your true feelings. You’re fighting for your life, and you’re losing. The enemy may be a change in your work situation. Or your parents’ increasing fragility. Or a shaky relationship. Whatever the problem, if it seems too big to solve, you may believe you have no choice but to internalize your fear and anger.

Unfortunately, feelings don’t want to stay hidden. Like water held back by a dam, they are always pushing, seeking a crack to leak or entirely break through. The “cracks” in our ability to suppress negative feelings are relationships in which our defenses are lowest, our fears smallest. Our hidden feelings seep or burst out when we’re with people we trust or who aren’t in a position to resist us. This dynamic explains why upstanding citizens who never shout at a stranger will scream curses at a lover, and why people who take an undue share of grief from their boss bully their underlings in turn.

To eliminate a tendency to stress-roll, you first have to notice it in other people: the man who yanks his dog around every time he gets the shaft at work; the brand-new ex-smoker who shouts at her husband when she runs out of nicotine gum. Watch these people and get a feel for how disproportionately intense their behavior is. Then honestly identify the same sort of overreactions in yourself. Where does your temper flare? When do you weep hysterically? What situations frustrate you to the point of physical violence?

One excellent sign that you’re stress-rolling may be a hint of sheepish guilt or shame. This will show up after you’ve rolled your negativity onto someone, or even while you’re doing the rolling. Deep down, your conscience will be whispering, “I’m not being fair. This isn’t about Priscilla eating all the toast. I’m just venting because no one’s watching my kitten video on YouTube.”

Unfortunately, many people, embarrassed by this tickle of conscience, actually increase their stress-rolling as a method of self-defense. They’ll bring up old arguments and mutant grievances to justify the stress-rolling. For example, you might follow up your outburst toward your son by saying, “You’ve got to stop bothering Mommy all the time.” You might keep pounding your husband: “If you ever cleaned the kitchen, you’d know damn well where to find the peanut butter.” You might point out every grammatical goof your assistant has made since the day she was hired. This is like a general who opens fire on his own troops, then decides he’d better shoot a few more so they’ll be too scared to stand up to him. Don’t be like that general. Instead…

Identify the Real Enemy

No matter how much stress we roll downhill, no matter how we justify the rolling, ultimately we still have to deal with the situations that caused our discontent. The only thing stress-rolling accomplishes is the creation of new enemies out of old allies (or potential allies) — a classic lose-lose situation. So the moment you get the slightest inkling that you’re stress-rolling, excuse yourself, take some deep breaths and figure out what’s really bothering you.

Because the core issue is often so upsetting that you push it out of your consciousness, you may not be able to articulate it at first. Luckily, you have a built-in problem-pinpointer: discomfort. Identifying your deepest emotional triggers is like finding where a bone has broken; you poke at the general area until you find the epicenter of the pain. Ask yourself the following questions:

1. “What’s really bothering me?”
2. “What’s the worst thing about that?”
3. “What’s the worst thing about that?”
4. Repeat question 3 until you reach the source of your distress.

You’ll know you’ve hit upon your real issue when all your irritation with innocent bystanders disappears in a flood of fear, sorrow, or despair. You’ll probably feel helpless about coping with the core dilemma — that’s why you displaced your aggression in the first place. Looking squarely at overwhelming problems requires extreme courage and honesty. Solving them takes even more. You may feel you don’t have such valor in you, but that’s okay. Just look around.

Align Yourself with Your Allies

To find courage you don’t possess, all you need to do is share real facts about your real problems with people who may be able to help. I reiterate: people who may be able to help. If you’ve stress-rolled onto someone who holds less social power than you — say, your child or your assistant — simply apologize. These are not the people you should ask for counsel; doing so would leave them feeling even more overwhelmed than you feel. Find someone who, from your perspective, has at least as much power as you do.

For example, after yelling at your child, you might say, “Honey, I’m so sorry for shouting at you. I was worried about something completely different, but I’m getting help with that.” Then you could call an adult who’s survived hard times — your father, a coworker, your best friend — and talk about your career uncertainty. Or you could offer your husband a peanut butter sandwich—and the truth about your physical and emotional fatigue. Or you could admit to your assistant that you were out of line, then close your office door and call a couples counselor to discuss your relationship.

Are you seeing the pattern here? Apologize, tell the truth, get help from someone who’s not below you on the power pyramid.

You may feel awkward being this honest and open. Suck it up. If you don’t want to be the general who shoots at his own troops, you need to consult experienced, educated advisers. Make no mistake: You are the one and only leader of your life. But you’ll be amazed by how brave, learned and resourceful the people around you can be. Honesty and humility will help you solve both the problems that create stress-rolling and the problems stress-rolling creates.

Keep Enlarging Your Circle of Advisers

As you begin to stop rolling stress onto others, you’ll also start to gather crucial information that will help you face any problem without feeling overwhelmed: You’ll learn whom to trust and in what capacity. Not every person you ask for help will be able or willing to give it. Your work friends may amplify your fears with their own. Your husband might shut down the moment you start talking. Your couples counselor could be a complete idiot. It happens. Just keep consulting different people until you get a response that feels genuinely helpful. The great thing about total honesty is that once you are grounded in it, you immediately know when someone’s advice to you is wrong.

Lao Tzu said, “All streams flow to the sea because it is lower than they are. Humility gives it its power.” Every time you avoid rolling your negative emotions downhill, and instead admit the places you feel lowest, you’ll find your power paradoxically growing. As you feel less overwhelmed and more balanced, you’ll lift the people who look up to you until they, too, stop stress-rolling and start leveling with you about their own issues. In time, the very people you once dumped on may join you in solving any problems you face. Rolling on together, you’ll be unstoppable.

Article 2: Taking stress out on others and why it sucks

Taking Your Stress out on Other People & Why it Sucks
By Cheer Squad member michine

Have you ever been so stressed that you’ve lashed out at someone around you?

Many of us have. But why do we do it? Well, in stressful situations we are not our normal selves. We allow our negative emotions to overrule our sense of judgment and change the way we normally act and behave, to become someone who acts on impulse and raw emotion. It is in these times that we are most likely to take out our stress and frustration on the people around us.

Stress can accumulate from a number of different sources, including:
being emotionally overwhelmed by certain events
being under the pump with study or work
worrying about the future and different outcomes
when things just aren’t going our way.

To get a clearer understanding of stress and when it is out of control have a look into managing stress.

The ways in which we may take our stress out on other people can be both direct and indirect. Direct ways of venting to release our stress and frustration can involve lashing out at people by
being physically or verbally abusive
saying and doing things that we would never normally do
putting other people down to make ourselves feel better.
This can appear in varying levels of severity for example making snide remarks about someone to swearing and personally attacking someone’s certain physical characteristics, beliefs or orientation.

In an indirect method we may take out our stress on other people by more subtle methods including being very short with people, having a short temper or ignoring a friend that we would usually talk to. In some cases we may not even be aware that we are doing it!

While taking our stress out on other people can temporarily make us feel better, it can also seriously damage relationships, particularly if someone is hurt physically, emotionally or mentally as a result of our actions and behavior. Ultimately, taking our stress out on other people will not only put those around us in a worse state but it also means we put ourselves in a difficult spot. At the very least we end up feeling guilty about our behaviour, and in some circumstances there are consequences to our actions which we have to face.

So how do we manage our stress such that we don’t take it out on other people?

There are a lot of different ways to manage stress levels, such as listening to music, going for a run, having some chill out time, or even playing games. In cases where we aren’t able to manage our stress by ourselves, it may be best to take a step back from the situation to clear our head and keep in mind that we cannot let our emotions control us. Rather than taking it out on those around us, we can talk to others about it in order to relieve our tension.

If you have experienced stress affecting your actions and behavior (or someone else’s) and would like to learn more, watch from the sidelines or share your own experience – join us for the live Getting Real session Monday, September 3rd 8pm AEST.

Article 3: Pyscology today

We are ocial beings, we define who we are in part, by, and through the relationships we have. Most of us interact with an assortment of people on a daily basis, from our most intimate relationships to strangers on the street. Obviously, how involved we are with certain individuals will color the level and intensity of our interactions with them. There are those people with whom we get along quite well while there are those who may be harder to connect and communicate with, who may give us an emotional run for our money. While some people have a tendency to take things personally a lot of the time, with almost anyone, the focus here is on relationships where a significant attachment has been formed.

We are often dependent upon others for our happiness, our security (emotionally, financially, and any other way), and sometimes for our safety. We often look to others to fill our needs. When these others are supportive, encouraging, caring, and giving we may feel fairly satisfied in our life. But when those we are attached to are judgmental and critical, even aggressive and abusive toward us, we may find ourselves in conflict, caught between the need to have these people in our life for whatever reason, and satisfying our own needs. Sometimes, we make a “bargain with the devil” and end up giving a lot of ourselves away in order to placate a significant other, to make them happy, to keep the peace, to make them stay in our lives (because we think we need them).

Taking things personally is often a by-product of this bargain. When we take things personally we are giving certain individuals more power over us than they deserve or should ever be allowed to have. In effect, you are allowing someone to question what you feel and believe. You are trusting someone else to tell you who you are, instead of relying on what you know to be true about yourself; what really defines you as a person without any outside influence. In essence, taking things personally keeps you tied to someone else and, in the extreme, can even make you feel like a victim.

So, instead of just reacting when someone pushes your buttons, these are some things to consider when you find yourself caught up in an interaction/confrontation where you feel your personal integrity is being challenged.

Focus on what this relationship really means to you. How heavily invested are you in this individual? Do you always need to be agreeable, to make no waves, to go along in order to please this person and to keep the peace? Do you perceive that there may be a high price to pay if you disagree or challenge them? Do you really need this person’s approval? Is all the trouble keeping them happy, as they challenge you, really worth the effort?

Change the focus of the interaction by putting yourself in this other person’s shoes. Try to understand what the other person is feeling/thinking/trying to convey to you. Is this the way they interact with many people, not just you? Is it their usual way to be critical, to insult, to blame or shame? Maybe that person hasn’t mastered how to communicate in a healthy way. Perhaps they lack certain social skills and feel the only way they will be heard and paid attention to is by being rude or aggressive in their language, or by bullying to get their way. Perhaps, they have issues with relationships in general, with boundaries, with seeing things as either all good or bad, right or wrong.

Don’t jump to conclusions too quickly when you are being confronted. Don’t make assumptions about judgment or criticism seemingly directed at you. Maybe it’s not about you at all, but rather about them and their own perceptions projected onto you. In fact, it’s almost always about them, their issues, their needs, and their desire to control you and/or a situation.

A corollary to this is to know what makes you feel vulnerable. When you are aware of your sensitive spots, the things that trigger your emotions and reaction, you can prepare yourself if an interaction arises that attempts to draw you in.

Create a space between yourself and your reactions. Your initial response might be to react emotionally. If possible, don’t follow that kneejerk reaction. Take the time to rein in your emotions and assess what’s really happening before you respond.Ingeneral, it’s a good idea to create a healthy personal space around yourself. (A good visual is to imagine yourself in the middle of a meadow with a white picket fence surrounding it. That’s your space. No one is permitted within it unless you allow them to enter into it.) When you create a space/buffer between yourself and another person, personal boundaries have less of a chance of being crossed and/or blurred.

When you are ready, respond in order to gain clarification. Hopefully, your emotions will take a back seat while you ask this individual to fully explain what’s on their mind and what they want from you. Listen carefully so you can discern what makes sense and what doesn’t based on their fantasy or need to have you behave in a certain way. Tell them how what they’re saying/doing makes you feel. In some instances, they may not realize how aggressive, rude, insulting, bullying, and insensitive they are being; that their words are hurtful and that what they’re asking of you is unreasonable. Explain that if the goal of the interaction/confrontation is meant to be conciliatory they’re going about it in the wrong way. Perhaps, give them a way out by suggesting an alternative solution.

If it becomes clear that this person can’t respect you and your space and insists on creating a situation over and over again that’s meant to make you uncomfortable, feel badly about yourself, personally attack you, devalue and belittle you, and constantly attempt to bait you, you need to rethink the relationship. If it’s family it may be hard to divorce yourself from them but you can limit your time and the nature of the relationship you have with them. If it’s someone else, break off all ties with this person for your own sake.

Finally, learn to rely on yourself. Of course, relationships will play a prominent role in your life. But the more you know about yourself the less you need others to tell you about yourself. When you develop a life orientation that is based primarily on your own personal resources, rather than on external influences your dependency on outside forces is diminished.


Dec
28
Posted by

Oh I am so tired of being this person. I really am, but everyone keeps telling me that I should say the crap I tend to choke down on out in the open so there we go. I don’t know why I bother really but my blog so right along with the let’s talk about sex thing let’s talk about all the random crap that I keep having to deal with on an almost daily basis and just want to rip my hair out.

My current bone that I am trying to deal with?

DON’T ASK THE DAMN QUESTION IF YOU DON’T WANT THE COMPLETELY HONEST ANSWER.

Also secondly kind of goes hand in hand…

DON’T ASK SOMEONE TO ALWAYS BE HONEST WITH YOU AND THEN GET PISSY WHEN THEY ARE.

The bottom line is that I always try to be as nice as possible when I am saying something that might be uncomfortable. I get it, no one likes to take notes on their negative parts or behaviors. Trust me I get those notes too and I don’t always like them. However I do try and take a look at the feedback and use it as a place to grow. We are all works in progress and we can all grow.

But for FUCKS SAKE if you ASK someone one something DON’T HAVE A GOD DAMN TANTRUM AFTERWARDS.

I can’t count how many times lately I have tried to back away from a conversation or situation. I know I am not as soft gloved as I used to be. I know that, I openly admit it and I apologize for it. When I see how a reply might be taken or where a situation is going to be taking a left turn at shit. I try and allow for a graceful exit out when I can. Yeah I don’t always but when I do, if you then press forward saying you want to know. Is it really then fucking fair to get your panties in a bunch about it? I mean seriously. When someone is trying to back away from a situation you have to know whatever comes next isn’t going to be something great. So why go after it only to then get upset about it? Essentially stamp about it. Take it out on someone else and then just go poof.

Yeah I get it, we all get tired and some people even sleep. Still not the nicest thing to end a conversation like that.

Chalk that shit on to some other bones I have to pick and ya know I am just done with a lot of shit. SO so so done.

Across the board.

Sitting here typing out yet another venting post really makes me wonder. What kind of toxicity am I allowing to remain in my life. I am going around in constant circles in more then one relationship and it just feels like, why? When do I stop and say okay, I have given everything I have to give and it is time to stop caring so much. I hate doing that, I hate taking relationships that I have done everything possible to keep going and having to set them outside the circle but sometimes that is what you have to do.

My ex for example was a big fat needed to cut out, likely should have done it way before.

Maybe it is time to call in the debts and relegate people to acquaintance status. Might be the only way to save my own sanity. Then maybe I am just prattling on again it’s not as if I actually do much about it. I keep getting the collateral damage and I keep talking people down from ledges. Among other things.

I don’t know something somewhere is got to give. I am tired of feeling like A Dear Abby ATM most days. Sad right? That’s how I feel most days. I had a few days where I was starting to feel a little better, but that went away pretty fast. Maybe that is just due to exhaustion.

Or maybe all of this prattle actually is good advice that I should take myself. I honestly am not sure about any of it anymore.

I am sure about ONE thing.. DON’T ASK THE QUESTION IF YOU DON’T WANT THE DAMN ANSWER.

On that I am completely positive about. Don’t ask if you don’t want to know, seriously. All it does is make a person feel like they really can’t tell you the truth or anything at all. Keep doing it and that feeling is going to keep getting worse.

Yeah. I think maybe I need to check out of any major life stuff for a while. Call in the debts I am owed and go live on my island where only those I let in can bug me. Sadly laughable that I know if I called those debts in across the board I might only get a response from….ONE of the people. Do I sound ass chapped about it? Yeah well right now I am because that is just how it is. I am sure I will be over it again in a few hours, I mean I am always expected to be anyways and most days I am fine enough to let it slide because there are more important things. But yeah today I am allowing myself to be ass chapped about the whole thing. I especially love always being asked last minute if a payment that wasn’t even my damn schedule idea but made to be easy for the one with the loan if its okay. Like we all know that if I say no it’s not okay, what happens then? Like really what actually happens if I say no? Yeah exactly I get to feel like the shit head and the payment either isn’t made until the asked for date or it is and I get to feel like a shit head for making someone short. Even though it isn’t my fault. ITS CALLED A BUDGET.

Shockingly this happens to me frequently from more then one avenue. I know. That makes me pretty pathetic. Also the worst bank ever.

So yeah island and telling everyone to fuck off….that is what I was talking about for a minute there right?

Might be a really good plan right about now.

Yes this is not edited and there is likely errors and I don’t care. I have vented and sadly I feel no better then I did at the start. In fact I am fairly sure I feel worse, because I know I am going to hear about this post later. Oh well, time to go start making lunch and then get back to work.


Dec
24
Posted by

Happy Holidays everyone. This might come off as a somewhat Grinch like post so if that is going to offend you, keep on your happy holiday way. Alas I am not someone who can just slap on and keep on holiday cheer when I am feeling…a moment of not holiday cheer. It isn’t that I am trying to be a crap or a Scrooge. The mood will pass, I am neither happy all the time or cranky all the time. Imagine that.

I do however find myself getting annoyed when I have a cute or fun story I would like to tell. I am asked about it and then someone else gets to tell the story. Maybe it is a petty thing, I am not above that kind of feeling like anyone else, but it seems to happen more and more and so I notice it more and more. It is annoying. Overly so sometimes, but what are ya gonna do eh?

I also find myself getting annoyed when I am asked to dig people out of their holes while I literally stand in the ones that they made for me too. Yeah I know petty maybe again but hey look at that….person. I have lost count of how many times I have been asked to help work around an RP story line. If you don’t RP just move on now from this post you won’t understand and you will think I am just a cry baby. Move it along I ain’t in the mood.

I have fixed this shit more then once. Let me tell you if you knew…it has been some impossible fix shit too. Like seriously, any fellow Rpers would be going… How do you even manage around that. Especially if you know the nature of continuing RP. The worst part about it? On just about every occasion the only parts that are considered when I am asked to fix it..is one side of things. It doesn’t even occur to people that there is a very large part of that RP that was taken from ME as well.

Yeah, I often wonder if that even occurs when I am asked to sort shit out, like do people even remember that my companion within this shit keeps vanishing too? Yeah funny how that works and yeah it chaps because just like the crap in Real life its collateral damage. Funny how often art imitates life and the other way around right? I am so tired of always being collateral damage. Then I still fix shit and you know what..my own shit is usually the very last thing to even be looked at for fixing. Frankly its starting to piss me off more then a little bit.

So yeah…sure i’ll happily fix your RP problem…5 bucks says one character wasn’t even considered in this whole thing…I am already owed a fiver so it will either turn to 10 or call it good.

The slave ran off with the wayward companion and they did whatever the fuck they felt like for years on end. Then they both got sucked into the sea and died.

The end.

What you were expecting a happily ever after? Afraid right now I have none of those. Maybe after I sit for a while with it I will have my Dickens moment and tiny Tim will live and Scrooge will do good for many years. But for the moment…. HUMBUG.

Now excuse me while I go and wrap finish wrapping Christmas presents and proceed to feel a bit like this over the whole thing:


Dec
23
Posted by

I feel like I edit myself a lot when it comes to my blogs. I know I need to do this in some of them, like my craft blog or the one connected to the area where kids are a lot. I do however try to keep a fair amount of separation between the business that involves kids (see me trying to avoid naming it for the connection issues) and my personal life. It isn’t that I think sex is shameful, or that anything else I do or say is shameful. For the most part (I am human after all) I stand by what I have said and put out there on the internet. I rarely delete things (and even if you do, they aren’t fully deleted so..) because I try to put thought into things before I put them out into the world. Not just because of the permanence of the internet but because of the energy you put out in the universe. It matters. I think if you felt something in that moment and you thought about it before putting it out there, well then leave it as it is. Sure, you may feel differently now, but going through these feelings, phases and everything else is how we evolve and change in life. For me, I tend to use this blog space here as a catch all. Birth of a Notion started out as the birth of an idea of being able to share whatever random crap I felt like.

Yes, I have gone through phases where I tried to focus this blog, make it about one thing or another. Attempted to make it more commercial so I could monetize it. I even tried to make it my version of a mommy blog once, who cared if it was four legged mommy right? Yikes. None of those peg holes worked. Why? Well, because this blog was never intended for that it was intended for my space to be me and just go through life and post what I want. Post what I am feeling, get it off my chest and yes with Saturday Sanc and other things post creative, random things that might not fit in other places. FAN FIC BABY! I still love me some good fan fic! I was happier in general once I realized that I needed to stop forcing it and just roll with it. I may not be the most prolific blogger ever, especially as of late as life takes me down a lot of roads, but I have accepted Birth of a Notion needs to remain about what that notion was originally. Me. Less edited. Me being not as guarded, it is harder than you think.

Even with all of that, I still generally edit myself around sex on this blog. WHY? I write about it. Oh, I write about it A LOT. Dirty steamy shit too, seriously it would make some of you blush and others just nod along. Maybe it is because there are members of my family like my Mom who know about this blog and have access to it, as posts automatically go to my Facebook (I don’t hide my true self generally speaking)? Or maybe it is just because while I am as liberal and free thinking as they come I am still a product of a Puritan society.

I was born, raised and live in a society where men can run around topless and no one bats a lash (please don’t change this!) but if a woman so much as hints at nipple on social media the ban hammer comes down like THAT. It can be about something that has nothing to do with sex. It can be about breast cancer, survival, breastfeeding or just a woman being as she was made. BAD! OMG a nipple! Make it go away! News flash men have nipples too, and lets take a look at things for a second okay. Nipples on women’s breasts have a purpose. Breasts fill with milk when there is a baby growing, baby is born, milk is produced, baby uses nipple to latch onto and drink milk. That is the purpose of breasts and nipples. Nourishing young. Period. ( I am sorry to my sisters out there who can’t breast feed I am not trying to make you feel less then while making my point I promise). It is society and largely men who have sexualized nipples. Yeah ,they can be used during sex. Yes ,they are a point of arousal for many women. No doubt, but at the end of the day that is not what they are actually THERE FOR.

Why do men have nipples?

Like I am seriously asking….hold on a second let’s ask Doctor Google.

Okay, funny when you type in “why do men have…” the first thing that comes up on the auto fill? Yeah. Nipples. HA. So okay good I am clearly not the only one pondering this.

Okay ,so the short basic answer is that in the first few weeks of life boys and girls are the same. So when the basic body bits form, we get the same stuff like nipples. Then when teste’s devlop for boys things change, but the nipples are still there. A slightly more scientific look at it… from Live science.com

During the first several weeks, male and female embryos follow the same blueprint, which includes the development of nipples. However, at about six to seven weeks of gestation, a gene on the Y chromosome induces changes that lead to the development of the testes, the organ that makes and stores sperm and produces testosterone, according to the book “Exploring the Biological Contributions to Human Health: Does Sex Matter?” (National Academies Press, 2001).

After the testes are formed, the male fetus begins producing testosterone at about nine weeks of gestation, changing the genetic activity of cells in the genitals and brain. But by then, those nipples aren’t going anywhere.

So there you go. Nipples boys and girls are the same! Same same same! I mean if anything men have the sexual nipples….So why is it okay for men and not women to show the nipple? Yeah, we all know why, the bottom line is sex. Women are sexual objects and yet we don’t want to talk about sex publicly. Well, screw that. Seriously, just screw it.

Let’s talk about sex. I am not going to run around selling sex on my other business because it is up to parents to talk to their kids. I can only hope more parents start to talk to their kids openly about sex. It shouldn’t be taboo or scary. It is natural. It is natural to enjoy it and it shouldn’t be this thing we have behind closed doors. Talking about sex doesn’t corrupt people. I think we started to have issues with society when sex stopped being okay to think about. Rome may not have been a perfect place and rape has always been a thing we know that okay, BUT it seems to me that it wasn’t as big of a thing and yeah punishments were matching the crime too. Again Rome wasn’t perfect, but they weren’t corrupt because they freely talked about sex and didn’t have any free the nipple issues.

So yeah, I won’t suddenly be brandishing the nipple all over but screw it. I will be talking about sex. Healthy, consensual sex. Unless of course it is an issue that isn’t about that, but well come on use your brain and if you are reading this you likely know me somehow and I try to keep people with brains around. If you know me, love me even and this post offends you. I do apologize that it does, maybe you will wish to not read my blog posts on this blog in the future. Or you can skim the title and first paragraph, I promise I will be upfront about it…as I was with this post. I hope it doesn’t make you think less or ill of me, but if it does that isn’t on me and it will not make me change my mind. I have to be my most authentic self in the spaces I create myself. So accept it or don’t, no worries love and light either way.

Closing for now…but in closing i’ll use some more immortal words about sex.

Sex is natural, sex is good…. 😉

Fair warning the following images might not be safe for work or enjoyed ….. but you don’t see any offensive nipples 😉


Dec
15
Posted by

Once upon a time life was far more simple. I am not going back as far as childhood, but oh weren’t times super simple then? When the biggest problem you often faced was trying to find out if you and your friend could manage to get both of your parents to agree to an entire weekend of sleepovers. This would of course, sometimes involve agreeing to go to church. I am talking even just 5 or 6 years ago. Perhaps a bit further. From where I sit now, sure life was not perfect it never is but it seems like it was simpler in so many ways. It also felt like I had more close friends then. I am not talking about the family or lovers aspect but friends. I guess for me there is always a need to have the entire grouping as a whole. I am missing part of mine and I don’t know what to do about it anymore.

There is a point of course, when you are looking at life and the changes that have happened where you ask yourself if it is indeed you that is causing the problems. Now I will never say I am blameless, I believe that everyone involved in a relationship is going to have some blame when things go one way or another, but there are different levels of that. For me the result of looking at things is that, I miss my friends.

I miss my friends in Minnesota, we used to meet up for book meetings. I have a great many fond memories of chatting and sitting around just enjoying company in a wonderful comfortable spot with those book buddies. There is a plan in the future to make home base Minnesota again so perhaps that is something which in part if it is wanted will be able to be corrected. I am still in touch with some of these wonderful friends, but things don’t seem as close as they used to be. Part of life I know.

I miss my friend Vere. I know it was not a conventional friendship. We met online and in nearly 13 years we never met face to face. There was a wide range of reasons for this, a lot of it had to do with Vere’s fear of meeting with people, even friends. She had serious anxiety about it. Especially after a stalker almost took her life. I never minded though, because we communicated daily and shared everything but that one thing of being face to face. I would say we were as close as could be given that. We had routines and rituals, ones that I looked forward to and enjoyed so much. Three years ago on December 5th was the last time I heard from her, however. Everything went just as it always did, I never thought I wouldn’t hear from her again. But that was it. I have not heard from her since then. I don’t know what happened. I wish I did. She promised she would never purposely just vanish, see that is one of my fears to just have someone vanish and not knowing why or what happened. I believe she never would have just left. She was sick and had some other issues, so it is perfectly feasible that something happened. I just wish I knew for sure. She assured me that her lawyer would know how to contact me should anything that was the worst truly happen, but I don’t always trust lawyers in that respect. It is also possible with some of her brain issues that she could be in a coma or something happened and she has no memory of it. I miss Vere more than I can put into words right now.

There are other friends I miss too. Through things that have happened pains they have been created, issues that haven’t been dealt with. Most days I feel like I am on an island and everything calls it the oh but your so strong island and that is where I am. I just have to be the strong person everyone needs. But I miss my friends, I miss having my own support system in place, my own comfortable rituals and things that I could count on happening. Routine. For me routine has always been a comfortable place, something I could hold onto in times of stress when everything else is up in the air.

I should elaborate more on this topic, It feels a little open ended, leaving it here, but my eyes are going cross eyed. So I will leave it for now to perhaps re-visit later. The long, short and simple of it is….I miss my friends.


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