Born in the Tundra of Minnesota, I have since become a bit of a Gypsy. Currently calling home base the hot sands of Arizona, I do still travel often. Whether the journey is a physical one, or one taken by reading a fantastic book it doesn't matter, the fun is always in the adventure. As always I am an eclectic person that likes a wide array of things and has many passions. Creating, advocating for animals and Mothering just to name a few.

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The Purple Booker

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Warning: Random rambling, prattle, emo, typos bad grammar and other such things ahead in this post. It might not make a whole lot of sense I am exhausted and a lot of other things. Feel free to just ignore this post and carry on with your day. Not sure why the inclination to post it.

Everyone has probably heard the saying, you can feel alone in a room full of people. It may sound cliche. However, like many things that are cliche it becomes so because it is rooted in truth and events that have happened. I have many blessing in my life. Some would even (and some have) say that I don’t have a right to feel down or depressed. That my life is pretty shiny compared to others.

And I can’t deny that. In many many ways I am beyond blessed. I am so blessed there are not words to clearly express the gratitude of those blessings. I have worked for them, as I believe you have to put in the work for anything in life. But I know how lucky and blessed I am in these things. And perhaps I don’t have a right to be down or depressed or anything else, but sometimes I am.

Lately I have just felt completely drained. Physically, mentally but most of all emotionally. I don’t really know what to do about it. Oh I know plenty of people and I have plenty of “friends” but in all honesty there is a very limited circle of people who I have let completely in. It is extremely hard for me to be a complete open book for me. I have been burned many many times and each time it becomes a little harder to do. The stakes get higher and I wonder if I will be able to handle much more. Throw a nice heap of anxiety on top and the being an introvert it can cause some issues.

Female friends have always been difficult for me. I don’t know why, they just have. I always have gotten along better with men. I wish I could tell you why, truly I do. I know much of it has to do with some of the back biting, back stabbing, clique nature that can happen with groups of women (I am not saying all). Or the fact that society has set women up to always compete with one another. Growing up though I did have a nice core group of very good non family friends. Sadly for the most part many of them have not carried over into adulthood. It happens right? I have some contact with a couple the others have drifted off like happens in life.

It is extremely hard to make new well bonded friends as an adult. I think that is something almost any adult will tell you. Its harder. That fearless nature you can have as a child is gone. But over the years I have managed to feel a true sense of connection and peace with three non family girlfriends. I have cherished those three people. I have done the best I could do be the friend who is there no matter what, who is sitting next to you in jail going wooeee what a night (no that hasn’t happened) and just do all those things. Maybe I am trying to hard? Might explain it because if problems keep happening and they are similar problems and the only common denominator is you….it can be tough not to think you are doing something wrong.

One of these friends just vanished one day. We went from speaking every single day for YEARS. To nothing. There was no sign no word nothing, she was just gone. I have tried everything I know how to do in order to find out what happened. But nothing. There is simply nothing, she disappeared and I have no idea why. Of course the first thing that comes to mind is oh gods what if she died. It is possibly she was dealing with some health issues. Though she always said she had things in place to make sure I would know and not be left wondering, that could have gone wrong. Of course she also could be perfectly fine and just for some reason that I don’t know and that I have begged to know decided to stop talking to me all together. Whatsoever the reason she is just gone and with it all the things I enjoyed doing with her. Our little jokes, our little code things we developed over those years. I miss that. I miss her.

The other two. They aren’t gone in the same sense of it. One has many very serious mental issues and I have known that and have done my level best to not take some of the things personally. I have had some very vile things said to me, done to me ect. There is always an apology and that wasn’t me it was a voice. Or you know I would never do anything like that. I used to know that, but I don’t know that anymore. That is how bad things have turned in the last years. I am still trying, it gets harder and harder to try but I still try. Maybe I do need to give up but I don’t like to give up on people. I don’t.

The other like all of us has issues too. There have been ups and downs and thick and thin and all of those things. Again I do my best. I will go to the end of the earth for the people in my life that I LOVE and I am not trying to talk smack or be passive aggressive or anything towards anyone referred to in this post. But I just can’t shake the feeling that I am reaching out my hand trying to grab onto something and just always coming up empty. And I am a sap for crying as I type that but there it is. It hasn’t always been like that sure. Granted there has been an unbalanced weight of supports with me taking the heavier side and I think she would agree in that, but it wasn’t always so bad. Things happen in life and I don’t expect miracles I really don’t. But I miss the friend I had. I miss the girl talk. I miss knowing I could just fly by the seat of my pants in a conversation and prattle on about sex and everything else. Yes I specifically say Sex because true trusted friends are hard to come by, true trusted friends who I can talk about sex openly without censor are unicorns. I digress I won’t delve deep down into that for the moment I could probably write a novel on that one topic alone. I miss it but a bomb went off and nothing has really been the same since.

I don’t try and dwell. It isn’t fair to dwell on the past if you want to try and move forward. But I am just a human too and I get hurt. It can also be very hard to move forward when you feel as if many of the things that are large wounds in you haven’t really been talked about or truly hashed out. I tend to shy away from bringing these things up because I don’t want to be accused of dwelling. I don’t want the fact that sometimes I still sob my eyes out because as I was uprooting my entire life, packed into some cars with my marriage that I was finally able to say was abusive ending. My worry over my beloved babies all packed in with those things and everything else….I was balled out and called many things including a bad friend, un-supportive and not there ect because I didn’t immediately pick up a phone call on a cell phone because some jackass at a job was yelling sexual embarrassment over changing uniforms. As soon as I could I called back (it wasn’t that long) and I did what I could…I supported, I calmed, I did all of those things while walking in a small circle in red dirt in 100 degrees somewhere in a little town in Texas. It as a long time ago. It has been basically apologized for, but it still hurts me. I have tried to mention it and was told I am dwelling, holding it against and how can we possibly move forward if your always throwing things in my faced at. So I leave it alone.

I try not to bring up the number of times I have been called purely to be the vent board and then the call cut short for one reason or another. Or the times I was told there was no time, patience ect for my problems. Or the other myriad of things like that which I try to just ignore because I don’t want to be told I am holding it above her head so on and so forth. and I am not holding these things up over someones head. At least I am very much trying not to. But how can I heal the wound if I am not even able to speak about the pain? How can I try to understand where these things came from and try and be sure they won’t happen again if I can’t talk about it? I don’t want to beat anyone up about it, I don’t want to be someone like that but I don’t know how else I am supported to fix the deep river of wounds that have been made over this span if I can’t talk about it.

I don’t know how not to feel wounded when I really need that supportive friend. That girlfriend not a man and I can’t have it because of other issues, or whatever else. Maybe I really am expecting to much and being a selfish bitch about it. Maybe that really is the problem.

I don’t know how to decide which thing I take as the one that counts. When I am told it is okay to talk about something again that was off limits….or the fairly fast shut down or then complete vanishing act when I stick my toe into the pool of those things. Maybe it is just coincidence? But it starts to add up and feel very conflicting when it happens more then a few times. I know how to do many things. I can handle many things but I don’t know what to do about any of this anymore.

I am so tired. So so weary down to my soul. So exhausted and I don’t know what to do about that either.

I just feel alone. It just feels like it would be easier to put my hand down and submit to the lonely blue exhaustion.

I miss my friend and I don’t know what to do to find my friend. I don’t know anymore.

I am in pain on different levels. I am scared of things. I am bored with other things and most of all I miss that special kinship.

I had better stop now as I can barely see anymore. I am sure this post will get me in further trouble, but I suppose it is a risk I have to take. I am already in that lonely land, so will it really make a difference?

One Response to “Lonely Blue”

  1. Anah says:

    I understand your pain. I know I was the one with the bomb. I want you back just as badly. I love you.

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