Born in the Tundra of Minnesota, I have since become a bit of a Gypsy. Currently calling home base the hot sands of Arizona, I do still travel often. Whether the journey is a physical one, or one taken by reading a fantastic book it doesn't matter, the fun is always in the adventure. As always I am an eclectic person that likes a wide array of things and has many passions. Creating, advocating for animals and Mothering just to name a few.


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The Purple Booker







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Dec
15
Posted by

Once upon a time life was far more simple. I am not going back as far as childhood, but oh weren’t times super simple then? When the biggest problem you often faced was trying to find out if you and your friend could manage to get both of your parents to agree to an entire weekend of sleepovers. This would of course, sometimes involve agreeing to go to church. I am talking even just 5 or 6 years ago. Perhaps a bit further. From where I sit now, sure life was not perfect it never is but it seems like it was simpler in so many ways. It also felt like I had more close friends then. I am not talking about the family or lovers aspect but friends. I guess for me there is always a need to have the entire grouping as a whole. I am missing part of mine and I don’t know what to do about it anymore.

There is a point of course, when you are looking at life and the changes that have happened where you ask yourself if it is indeed you that is causing the problems. Now I will never say I am blameless, I believe that everyone involved in a relationship is going to have some blame when things go one way or another, but there are different levels of that. For me the result of looking at things is that, I miss my friends.

I miss my friends in Minnesota, we used to meet up for book meetings. I have a great many fond memories of chatting and sitting around just enjoying company in a wonderful comfortable spot with those book buddies. There is a plan in the future to make home base Minnesota again so perhaps that is something which in part if it is wanted will be able to be corrected. I am still in touch with some of these wonderful friends, but things don’t seem as close as they used to be. Part of life I know.

I miss my friend Vere. I know it was not a conventional friendship. We met online and in nearly 13 years we never met face to face. There was a wide range of reasons for this, a lot of it had to do with Vere’s fear of meeting with people, even friends. She had serious anxiety about it. Especially after a stalker almost took her life. I never minded though, because we communicated daily and shared everything but that one thing of being face to face. I would say we were as close as could be given that. We had routines and rituals, ones that I looked forward to and enjoyed so much. Three years ago on December 5th was the last time I heard from her, however. Everything went just as it always did, I never thought I wouldn’t hear from her again. But that was it. I have not heard from her since then. I don’t know what happened. I wish I did. She promised she would never purposely just vanish, see that is one of my fears to just have someone vanish and not knowing why or what happened. I believe she never would have just left. She was sick and had some other issues, so it is perfectly feasible that something happened. I just wish I knew for sure. She assured me that her lawyer would know how to contact me should anything that was the worst truly happen, but I don’t always trust lawyers in that respect. It is also possible with some of her brain issues that she could be in a coma or something happened and she has no memory of it. I miss Vere more than I can put into words right now.

There are other friends I miss too. Through things that have happened pains they have been created, issues that haven’t been dealt with. Most days I feel like I am on an island and everything calls it the oh but your so strong island and that is where I am. I just have to be the strong person everyone needs. But I miss my friends, I miss having my own support system in place, my own comfortable rituals and things that I could count on happening. Routine. For me routine has always been a comfortable place, something I could hold onto in times of stress when everything else is up in the air.

I should elaborate more on this topic, It feels a little open ended, leaving it here, but my eyes are going cross eyed. So I will leave it for now to perhaps re-visit later. The long, short and simple of it is….I miss my friends.


Dec
02
Posted by

I know I haven’t done Saturday sanctuary in some time, but these days I am even less inclined to do so. Especially after a recent discovery and issue that happened with someone who is a “friend”. To creative types, writers and those who work in mediums that are not the “normal” there are certain things that are held sacred. When a friend tells you about something that are writing, working on and even trust you enough to tell you a little about it and the characters common sense would say you shouldn’t break that trust by being a thief. Of course common sense would also dictate that once you get called on your theft you shouldn’t be a belligerent little jackass about it either.

Well, yesterday I indeed ran into a situation I never thought I would. This very situation that I just talked about, right down to how the confrontation went. Only it was so much worse.

When I confronted this person who says she loves me, calls herself my sister about the theft. I was met with a range of responses that to be honest made my blood boil. Here are just a few of them:

It’s not your name
You can’t own a name
I didn’t use the whole name only part of it
Your acting like I just killed your sister, it’s just a name
It’s just a placeholder
It’s only on a character template
I don’t understand why you’re so bent out of shape
Well, I have changed it now
I’m sorry (stated in the most bland monotone tone you could ever hear… and I’ve heard literally thousands of times)
I changed it so what

There were a great many more and a lot more to the conversation of course, all intended to make me feel like the one in the wrong for daring to have hurt feelings. It is true that it’s not my given name and it is true that without a lot of trouble and legal work you can’t own the copyright to a name, that really isn’t the point. This particular name never in a million years would have been on this person’s radar if it wasn’t for me. It is not a common name it is not smith or Jones or something like that. It was even conceded that if it was not for me this name wouldn’t be known to her.

Most creative types, especially writers will tell you that ideas, and stories are like children to them. When you create a character they can feel completely real and they are like children. So when someone steals any part of them, it is a massive betrayal. Yet another reminder to me that I don’t get to have those feelings. I always have to be the okay one, the one who fixes things for people and never gets upset, hurt or so on. The one who has to prop everyone else up and solve her own things, usually at the same time.

2017 has been a really shitty year for me. Yes, there have been some high points, some fantastic and beautiful things. I could never say there hasn’t been those, but as a whole when you look at 2017 for me it will always be an annus horribilis for me. I have lost so much. My heart is ripped into shreds and I am just holding it, hoping it will mend, praying to all the Gods that it will find a way that I will find a way to stitch even some of it back together. However, the hits keep coming.

I am a forgiving and understanding person. I have been told sometimes that I am too forgiving, to understanding. Willing to look past to much. I am opening my eyes to the fact that this might be very true. I have been told I have a big heart, but if that is true this big heart sees no way to repair itself.

Friendships can take damage, true friendships can be repaired if the work is put into them. If both parties want to have that friendship and want to have what they did. However, I am starting to see that there might be such a thing as to much damage. There might be such a thing in a friendship as a fatal wound. This is not how I have ever wanted to look at things, but 2017 as a year, even now that it is almost over, perhaps especially now that it is almost over is forcing me to see that reality.

I don’t know what to do about it anymore.

I am exhausted with all of it, I am tired of putting other peoples lives back together while mine can come crashing down around my ears without so much as a , “can I give you a hand out of the rubble?” from those I help. Maybe it is selfish of me to expect that. It probably is.

To some what I write here may have you going, “but its just a fictional character name”. True, it is the name of a fictional character, but it is not JUST that. Writers will understand. Especially writers who have ever spent a great deal of time writing for OTHER people and when you share something you are writing for YOURSELF, for you to stamp your name loud and proud on… or at least a formal nom de plume that WILL be yours and yours alone…they will understand this. How this feels, they’ll know why it is more than just a name. So much more.

With everything else that has happened, with the way this whole name thing was handled.. I am afraid this might push that friendship into the land of not able to be fixed. It makes me sad to type that, to say it, to even think it but there it is. This might be the signal that says this relationship should be put out of its misery. That maybe sometimes that is just what happens and with this one, it’s time to end the suffering. Perhaps it stands as the coup de grace for this relationship. Maybe it’s a signal for things to come. Maybe it’s the sign that says this relationship and others do indeed need to be put to rest. I don’t know.

Or maybe I am just stressed and I’ll be told just to get over it. Won’t be the first time. Likely not the last either.

Apologies to anyone who came looking for the Saturday Sanctuary. I am afraid on this cold December day there is no Sanctuary to be found. I have none to give.


Nov
04
Posted by

I have spent the better part of a week, maybe two I am having massive trouble with time right now because I am not getting near enough sleep working on a well meaning post about change. About how hard it is but that in the end if it is something you truly want and it is for the better how good of a thing it is. Change can be freeing. At this moment in time I want to set that post on fire and piss on it. Fuck it. Yeah my blog and I am cussing, deal with it I do that sometimes. FUCK IT.

I am tired of motivating people to change. Cheer leading for them to get better, to do things that will indeed in the end make them happy. I am tired of it. Dead damn tired. So fuck it. Don’t change stay the same. Do whatever you want. Fuck up your life, fuck up the planet, fuck up everyone who has ever tried to reach out and help you. Fuck it.

My favorite part of the never ending game I seem to be stuck in with those who I have invested so much love, time and energy into who say they love me too and want to make changes to some really fucked up stuff is when they use the cheer leading I have given them as a weapon aimed at me. Oh that is so fun, really and it makes me SO want to help them again right? It happens to me ALL the time and from a variety of fucking places. Today today I am calling on the one that bitch slapped my ass while I was in the middle of my own emotional crisis. Not the first time my emotional shit has meant absolutely nothing because GODS FORBID the strong person have a moment when life is FUCKED UP. Right? My life is perfect I ain’t got a single damn thing to be upset about. DAMN I keep forgetting about that. WHOOPS.

So in the middle of my ball of shit, which I am still firmly stuck in. Just for those readers who may be hard of understanding. Apparently my advice was listened too and OMG I was looking forward to spending time with you. Really? Couldn’t have said any of that a few hours ago? No because its so much more fun to use it as a bitch slap to say fuck you bitch see you RUINED IT. Then call it a night.

Yeah always a great feeling when someone who supposedly loves you just poofs at a moment when you kinda need them the most. Really makes you think about all the endless nights, days everything that you have stayed up, lost sleep, canceled appointments, jostled work, called and been send to voice mail, called and been hung up on and all the other crap you have done and they cant be fucked to have a conversation when you aren’t being Mary fucking Poppins.

Not the first time either. You would really think I would learn. I mean clearly most of this is my fault because I give people way to much faith and way to many chances. Doesn’t matter how hard I get fucked I always try to say hey maybe this time will be different.

News flash IT WON’T! News flash..think I am done trying to convince someone else it will be any different either. I mean if I am now at a point where I don’t feel shit will be different I sure as fuck won’t be blowing smoke up anyone else’s ass about it. FUCK IT.

Yeah I have issues and pain and here the come all spilling out because the cork is out of the bottle and as hard as I am trying I can’t get it shoved back in. I am sure at some point I will and then I will delete this post. Who knows maybe before anyone who is the cause of all this shit even manages to see it I mean we are going on how many weeks behind on important to me really proud of my work stuff now? 3 I think. Nice right? Whatever.

I have tried so hard with people. I have tried. I have researched, I have studied I have spent countless days looking at all the different ways to handle situations and people with problems and how to best help them. I have drawn on my own very long standing wisdom about and and searched out more. Because when I love someone, when I comit to be a loved one I am ALL IN. I will do whatever it takes. ALL IN. The thing I am realizing is that more often then not I am the only one who is actually ALL in. I am the only one committing this kind of time and energy to helping another person. Hell they wont even help themselves let alone anyone else. What the fuck am I doing? One recent read stands out like a big black chalk board


3. Refuse to put up with emotional blackmail.

People who are in the throws of playing the victim will blackmail you with your own emotions.

Yeah I suck at refusing to put up with emotional blackmail. I have tried. Yup I HAVE but I fail. Even now as I write this trying to purge myself of some of the never ending pain I am currently feeling by getting the worlds out a small voice says to me. Don’t post this. Posting this will only end up making you feel guilty. There will be lots of comments about what a terrible person so and so is and how they are a shit and all the other self flagellation comments that will then make me feel like a giant turd because I dared to not be Mary god damn poppins for 5 fucking minutes of my fucking life.

Whatever. At this point I have completely lost the plot. I doubt there will be anyway to pull myself back together and there is an option that would be so much easier. Maybe I will try to pull myself back together but I don’t think it is even worth it anymore. It just really isn’t. There is so much stress, to much stress and I don’t want it to be that way. Yes life is stressful I know that and it won’t ever be stress free. Is it to much to ask for a couple of FRIENDS who are willing to be there for you when you are willing to be there for them? I mean seriously is that asking to much? Please someone tell me if I am expecting to much that those who take support from me, say they love me and take my love for them to support me back when I am having a time of need. I will be happy to be corrected then. If that IS asking to much correct me. I will accept it and look upon things.

Something tells me that really isn’t asking to much but PLEASE TELL ME IF I AM WRONG.

On that note. Time to end this blog post. Apologies to anyone who comes upon it randomly. You may find it a bit insane and run the other direction. That is okay. I will respect that because frankly I am not sure that I am not insane anymore. I just might be. Apologies for that.

and PS this hasn’t been edited for grammar or typos. Apologies for that too.

“You cannot continue to victimize someone else just because you yourself were a victim once—there has to be a limit” Edward W. Said (Professor and Author, Orientalism)

“Don’t let your struggle become your identity.” Ralston Bowles (Songwriter, Carwreck Conversations)


Oct
06
Posted by

Oh what can I say poor little blog sits without much love as of late. No doubt about that I have just been so busy doing a lot of other things. That is the standard excuse but it IS true, excuse or not. Anyways I am really still to busy but once again someone in my life is suffering from a bomb going off. I always feel so helpless when this crap happens. I know it isn’t about me, but I do have feelings on it. Especially when some of the things said to me weren’t super fantastic either. I deal at the end of the day as I have covered before I am ” the strong one” so I always have to deal eh? Everyone is always telling me you deserve a better friend. Simple solution to that….be a better friend. I digress I did not set out today to make this post about me and my overly complex barely dealt with feelings.

No I started this post today to say as loud as possible VICTIM MENTALITY IS DANGEROUS. Now I am not going to say those with victim mentality haven’t at times been victims. The problem happens when you get trapped in that mindset. It is an addiction just as strong if not stronger then any others. But is is more dangerous because most people don’t see it for the dangerous addiction that it is.

“Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the nonpharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”
John W. Gardner

One big problem a lot of people have is that they slip into thinking of themselves as victims that have little or no control over their lives. In this headspace you feel sorry for yourself, the world seems to be against you and you get stuck. Little to no action is taken and you get lost in a funk of sadness and self-pity.

So how can you move out of that mindset? Well here are just a few solid points I have found.

1. Know the benefits of a victim mentality.

There are a few benefits of the victim mentality:

Attention and validation. You can always get good feelings from other people as they are concerned about you and try to help you out. On the other hand, it may not last for that long as people get tired of it.

You don’t have to take risks. When you feel like a victim you tend to not take action and then you don’t have to risk for example rejection or failure.

Don’t have to take the sometimes heavy responsibility. Taking responsibility for you own life can be hard work, you have to make difficult decisions and it is just heavy sometimes. In the short term it can feel like the easier choice to not take personal responsibility.

It makes you feel right. When you feel like the victim and like everyone else – or just someone else – is wrong and you are right then that can lead to pleasurable feelings.

In my experience, by just being aware of the benefits of from victim thinking it becomes easier to say no to that and to choose to take a different path.

2. Be ok with not being the victim.

So to break out of that mentality you have to give up the benefits above. You might also experience a sort of emptiness within when you let go of victim thinking. You may have spent hours each week with thinking and talking about how wrong things have gone for you in life. Or how people have wronged you and how you could get some revenge or triumph over them.

Now you have to fill your life with new thinking that may feel uncomfortable because it is not so intimately familiar as the victim thinking your have been engaging in for years.

3. Take responsibility for your life.

Why do people often have self-esteem problems? I’d say that one of the big reasons is that they don’t take responsibility for their lives. Instead someone else is blamed for the bad things that happen and a victim mentality is created and empowered.

This damages many vital parts in your life. Stuff like relationships, ambitions and achievements.

That hurt will not stop until you wise up and take responsibility for your life. There is really no way around it.

And the difference is really remarkable. Just try it out. You feel so much better about yourself even if you only take personal responsibility for your own life for a day.

This is also a way to stop relying on external validation like praise from other people to feel good about yourself. Instead you start building a stability within and a sort of inner spring that fuels your life with positive emotions no matter what other people say or do around you.

Yes this is a very black and white way it and things are not always that easy, but there has to be a line where you start and where the buck stops. Sometimes that line has to be a simple black and white thing.

4. Gratitude.

“Does someone have it worse on the planet?”

The answer may not result in positive thoughts, but it can sure snap you of a somewhat childish “poor, poor me…” attitude pretty quickly. And put it into more of a “I understand that I have much to be grateful for in my life”.

This question changes perspective from a narrow, self-centred one into a much wider one. It helps to lighten up about a situation.

After you’ve have changed my perspective its good to usually ask another question like:

“What is the hidden opportunity within this situation?”

That is very helpful to keep your focus on how to solve a problem or get something good out a current situation. Rather than asking yourself “why?” over and over and thereby focusing on making yourself feel worse and worse.

5. Forgive.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in thinking that forgiveness is just about something you “should do”. But forgiving can in a practical way be extremely beneficial for you.

One of the best reasons to forgive can be found in this quote by Catherine Ponder:

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”

As long as you don’t forgive someone you are linked to that person. Your thoughts will return to the person who wronged you and what s/he did over and over again. The emotional link between the two of you is so strong and inflicts much suffering in you and – as a result of your inner turmoil – most often in other people around you too.

When you forgive you do not only release the other person. You set yourself free too from all of that agony.

6. Turn your focus outward and help someone out.

The questions in tip #4 are useful. Another question to use when you get into the victim headspace is simply:

“How can I give value right now?”

Asking that question and making that shift in what you focus on really helps, even if you may not feel totally like doing it.

So you figure out how you can give someone else value, how you can help someone out.

And thing is that the way you behave and think towards others seems to have a big, big effect on how you behave towards yourself and think about yourself. For example, judge people more and you tend to judge yourself more. Be more kind to other people and help them and you tend to be more kind and helpful to yourself.

A bit counter intuitive perhaps, but that has been my experience. The more you love other people, the more your love yourself.

7. Give yourself a break.

Getting out of a victim mentality can be hard. Some days you will slip. That’s ok. Be ok with that.

And be nice to yourself. If you have to be perfect then one little slip is made into a big problem and may cause you to spiral down into a very negative place for many days.

It is more helpful to just give yourself a break and use the tips above to move yourself into a positive and empowered headspace once again.


Aug
31
Posted by

It is no secret to those who are close to me that since Dutchy passed away, I am a large open wound. I am not sure I will ever be able to move through it or if I am just going to end up feeling like this open raw wound for the rest of my life. All of the deaths that have happened in my life, human and pet alike have hurt. I know it sounds like I am playing kind of favorites, but that isn’t it. Dutchy was my familiar and more than that it felt like she was a part of me, she was a part of me. 17 years is a long time together and she was the rescue that came into my life as the first animal I had since my dog Scamper had passed away. She was with me through so many major life events that it would be impossible to name them all. When I was crying, she was there, when I was happy she was there. Dutchy was just always there. And now she isn’t and I am having an impossibly hard time with it. But I didn’t start typing this post to go on about that again, although it does have relevance to the main subject. You have to allow people to work through things. Whether it is because they are grieving or trying to wrap their minds around some kind of incident that has happened to them.

We are all human and we all do things and life is life and sometimes shit happens. That’s okay because that is how life works right? I mean you show me one person who has gone through life perfectly and I will eat the laptop I am typing on. Things happen. Here is the thing I feel about it, things will always happen can’t stop it, but it is how we DEAL with those things that matters. I really think you can tell a lot about someone by seeing how they handle situations as they crop up.

There isn’t a black and white, right and wrong way to handle things, we are all different and have to process differently. The one thing to me that comes across as a non negotiable, however is that you have got to try and let others process in their way. I know I am not perfect in that myself, but I always try my level best at it and I am continuing to work and improve at that myself. As of late though I find that I end up being a little less tolerant about it, not because I want to but because a lot of people in my life aren’t allowing ME to process things the way I need to. I know that sounds a bit childish and it is NOT how I expected things to go and I am working on it still but man oh man its just why can’t I process things too?

Lately anytime something crops up that I want to talk about or work through I am told to drop it. I am told that people don’t want to dwell, or let it drag down the whole day or whatever. I am by no means a person who wants to drag down an entire day over an issue, but really? Talking about things, talking through them that is a way for me to process and deal. I talk about things, muddle through them and then I work on letting them go. That is how I work when it comes to processing and healing. Sadly, I am not being allowed to anywhere I turn. I am hit with drop it, I don’t want to talk about it, get over it already and a myriad of other comments that amount to, NOPE.

Two very important people in my life have ripped me to shreds over recent times. They have said sorry sure, but I am still not being allowed to actually work through the problems. Sorry is a good place to start, but if you don’t allow people to work through it and sometimes that means working through it WITH you and TALKING about things that might not be super comfortable are you really all that sorry?

Sorry is a word and it can be a great jumping off point, but it is not a magic bullet. It doesn’t just fix everything. You HAVE to allow people to work through things. If you don’t, it’s just going to end up being a wound that doesn’t heal and it will likely fester and then where will you be?

If you love someone, let them work through it. Let them process, be there for them. Don’t tell them you just want to drop it if the issue is something that is important to them. You never know how much damage something like that will cause.


Aug
25
Posted by

I spend most of my life fighting battles. Many of which I know I’ll never win. I fight them for myself but mostly I fight them for my loved ones. But I’m tired. I am so exhausted that I want to lay down my sword forever.

There have been so many loses this year and last year… so many hard personal loses. I was barely treading water before and now that a part of my soul has crossed the rainbow bridge and I’m drowning. Somedays lately I ask myself what am I even fighting for? To be forgotten about? To be an after thought? To be the also ran? To be the ATM. Or the place holder until something better comes along?

I’m not posting this here for attention, I’m not posting it because I’m going to harm myself ( I never would ) I’m posting it here because I’m tired of keeping it in and at least here no one can interrupt me mid thought and say, but you’re so strong! You’re always strong! You’ll be fine! Well meant I’m sure but even the strong need support and love and care. Ha but of course I’ve been told my life is far better then many others so what do I have to complain about. We all fight battles.

Just because one persons life is different then yours, just because their struggles are different doesn’t make them less than. We all fight battles. Period. But I’m so tired.

I used to have friends. Not tons but ones I trusted and loved…still love. But now the majority are gone. For varied reasons most by their own choice because I wouldn’t give them some material thing they demanded. Nice right? I’m so tired. I drop everything for those I love when they need me. I’ll put all of my own shit aside my work whatever it takes. I thought that is what you did. But I’ve noticed as of late…the same isn’t done for me. I don’t expect people to lose their work or anything like that, but some form of letting me know I matter would be nice. I’m tired.

I’m tired of being in a room literally or figuratively full of people but feeling alone in the dark. I’m drowning, where’s my hand of help? I’ve used all my glue putting others back together I don’t have any left for myself. I’m drowning but people only seem to want to spend time with me when someone else isn’t available to them. I can’t breath but the only time my phone seems to ring with any regular basis is for work or when something is required of me. Or when I’m expected to flip a switch and suddenly vent everything I’ve been told to keep to myself. I’m so tired.

This warrior doesn’t want to fight anymore. This warrior would rather be with the other part of herself. Maybe it’s time to stop fighting, to treat others the same way they treat me. To fully stay locked into the busy schedule I have and stop making time in it for others. Or maybe it’s just time to find a way to be with my other half, at least I’d feel whole again.

Of course none of those things will be what happens. Instead I’ll carry on and keep fighting. As I’ve always done. Be there and fix things and be the strong one. All the whole fairly sure no one will notice how tired I am. As long as I keep doing what they expect. That seems to be all that matters anyways.


Aug
21
Posted by

Hello Monday. Today is the second Monday since I lost my sweet Dutchy. I am not coping well. I can’t focus on things for more then a few minutes at a time. Time and life marches on so I am doing my best to keep doing those important adult things. This song is beautiful though and right now I need a little bit of beauty in my life.


Jul
29
Posted by

Poetry can be a good release valve. Of course I stopped sharing it a long time ago as everyone would take what was in the poetry as a cemented thing. That isn’t how poetry works.

 

 

I looked up to you when times were bad.
I looked up to you when I was sad.

I always laughed when you were by my side,
until you went behind my back and lied.

I felt so betrayed and so alone,
and began to realize your true colors that had shown.

You hurt me so badly that nothing can compare.
You were the one with whom my secrets I thought I could share.

You helped me through bad times when people were so mean,
and now that you’re gone, I feel so deceived.

You lied to my face, one only could tell.
You left me alone; now I feel like I’m in hell.

I have no one to turn to to ask for advice.
You leaving me like this is like being squeezed by a vice.

I’m in pain; it’s not easy to see, and since you’ve been gone,
I have no one beside me.

I try to find more friends that are as fun as you,
but the more I try, I realize there is nothing more I can do.

You’re gone forever, whether you know it or not.
Me being stuck in this world alone like this, I’d rather be shot.

Goodbye forever, you ruined my ability to forgive,
and now like this for the rest of my life I shall live.

Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/abandon


Jul
24
Posted by

Feel the groove for this Monday! I am not feeling tip top by any means but I am trying to think positive today and hey a little sexy. Monday’s are no fun sometimes but we can try and make them a bit more fun right?


Jul
22
Posted by

 

Tell me of pain, what you know of it.
Is it to be feared, or guarded against
like a tangible foe?
Do you seek it, or merely accept it
like an unavoidable opponent?
Is it to be welcomed, with open arms
as an enabling experience?
You tell me yours, I’ll tell you mine.
Pain… She was my first lover
My most intimate friend,
but a demanding mistress, she is…
The more you fight her,
she more she hurts you
with no safe word in place…
As I struggled against her
she demanded more of me
until there was almost nothing left.
She encompasses me,
cloaks me in her cold embrace.
A cruel master, never meant to rule
has no limits to what she will do.
She is meant to lend you strength,
help you overcome…
If only you can harness her, hold her in check.
Many years ago she escaped her reigns;
now it is I in her shackles
I know of no escape though I must.
I am riddled with the arrows;
arrows that others aimed
that she pierces me with,
each taking a slice of my soul.
Soon there will be nothing remaining;
only a vacant shell in which I once dwelled…


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