Born in the Tundra of Minnesota, I have since become a bit of a Gypsy. Currently calling home base the hot sands of Arizona, I do still travel often. Whether the journey is a physical one, or one taken by reading a fantastic book it doesn't matter, the fun is always in the adventure. As always I am an eclectic person that likes a wide array of things and has many passions. Creating, advocating for animals and Mothering just to name a few.

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The Purple Booker

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Oh I am so tired of being this person. I really am, but everyone keeps telling me that I should say the crap I tend to choke down on out in the open so there we go. I don’t know why I bother really but my blog so right along with the let’s talk about sex thing let’s talk about all the random crap that I keep having to deal with on an almost daily basis and just want to rip my hair out.

My current bone that I am trying to deal with?


Also secondly kind of goes hand in hand…


The bottom line is that I always try to be as nice as possible when I am saying something that might be uncomfortable. I get it, no one likes to take notes on their negative parts or behaviors. Trust me I get those notes too and I don’t always like them. However I do try and take a look at the feedback and use it as a place to grow. We are all works in progress and we can all grow.

But for FUCKS SAKE if you ASK someone one something DON’T HAVE A GOD DAMN TANTRUM AFTERWARDS.

I can’t count how many times lately I have tried to back away from a conversation or situation. I know I am not as soft gloved as I used to be. I know that, I openly admit it and I apologize for it. When I see how a reply might be taken or where a situation is going to be taking a left turn at shit. I try and allow for a graceful exit out when I can. Yeah I don’t always but when I do, if you then press forward saying you want to know. Is it really then fucking fair to get your panties in a bunch about it? I mean seriously. When someone is trying to back away from a situation you have to know whatever comes next isn’t going to be something great. So why go after it only to then get upset about it? Essentially stamp about it. Take it out on someone else and then just go poof.

Yeah I get it, we all get tired and some people even sleep. Still not the nicest thing to end a conversation like that.

Chalk that shit on to some other bones I have to pick and ya know I am just done with a lot of shit. SO so so done.

Across the board.

Sitting here typing out yet another venting post really makes me wonder. What kind of toxicity am I allowing to remain in my life. I am going around in constant circles in more then one relationship and it just feels like, why? When do I stop and say okay, I have given everything I have to give and it is time to stop caring so much. I hate doing that, I hate taking relationships that I have done everything possible to keep going and having to set them outside the circle but sometimes that is what you have to do.

My ex for example was a big fat needed to cut out, likely should have done it way before.

Maybe it is time to call in the debts and relegate people to acquaintance status. Might be the only way to save my own sanity. Then maybe I am just prattling on again it’s not as if I actually do much about it. I keep getting the collateral damage and I keep talking people down from ledges. Among other things.

I don’t know something somewhere is got to give. I am tired of feeling like A Dear Abby ATM most days. Sad right? That’s how I feel most days. I had a few days where I was starting to feel a little better, but that went away pretty fast. Maybe that is just due to exhaustion.

Or maybe all of this prattle actually is good advice that I should take myself. I honestly am not sure about any of it anymore.


On that I am completely positive about. Don’t ask if you don’t want to know, seriously. All it does is make a person feel like they really can’t tell you the truth or anything at all. Keep doing it and that feeling is going to keep getting worse.

Yeah. I think maybe I need to check out of any major life stuff for a while. Call in the debts I am owed and go live on my island where only those I let in can bug me. Sadly laughable that I know if I called those debts in across the board I might only get a response from….ONE of the people. Do I sound ass chapped about it? Yeah well right now I am because that is just how it is. I am sure I will be over it again in a few hours, I mean I am always expected to be anyways and most days I am fine enough to let it slide because there are more important things. But yeah today I am allowing myself to be ass chapped about the whole thing. I especially love always being asked last minute if a payment that wasn’t even my damn schedule idea but made to be easy for the one with the loan if its okay. Like we all know that if I say no it’s not okay, what happens then? Like really what actually happens if I say no? Yeah exactly I get to feel like the shit head and the payment either isn’t made until the asked for date or it is and I get to feel like a shit head for making someone short. Even though it isn’t my fault. ITS CALLED A BUDGET.

Shockingly this happens to me frequently from more then one avenue. I know. That makes me pretty pathetic. Also the worst bank ever.

So yeah island and telling everyone to fuck off….that is what I was talking about for a minute there right?

Might be a really good plan right about now.

Yes this is not edited and there is likely errors and I don’t care. I have vented and sadly I feel no better then I did at the start. In fact I am fairly sure I feel worse, because I know I am going to hear about this post later. Oh well, time to go start making lunch and then get back to work.

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Happy Holidays everyone. This might come off as a somewhat Grinch like post so if that is going to offend you, keep on your happy holiday way. Alas I am not someone who can just slap on and keep on holiday cheer when I am feeling…a moment of not holiday cheer. It isn’t that I am trying to be a crap or a Scrooge. The mood will pass, I am neither happy all the time or cranky all the time. Imagine that.

I do however find myself getting annoyed when I have a cute or fun story I would like to tell. I am asked about it and then someone else gets to tell the story. Maybe it is a petty thing, I am not above that kind of feeling like anyone else, but it seems to happen more and more and so I notice it more and more. It is annoying. Overly so sometimes, but what are ya gonna do eh?

I also find myself getting annoyed when I am asked to dig people out of their holes while I literally stand in the ones that they made for me too. Yeah I know petty maybe again but hey look at that….person. I have lost count of how many times I have been asked to help work around an RP story line. If you don’t RP just move on now from this post you won’t understand and you will think I am just a cry baby. Move it along I ain’t in the mood.

I have fixed this shit more then once. Let me tell you if you knew…it has been some impossible fix shit too. Like seriously, any fellow Rpers would be going… How do you even manage around that. Especially if you know the nature of continuing RP. The worst part about it? On just about every occasion the only parts that are considered when I am asked to fix one side of things. It doesn’t even occur to people that there is a very large part of that RP that was taken from ME as well.

Yeah, I often wonder if that even occurs when I am asked to sort shit out, like do people even remember that my companion within this shit keeps vanishing too? Yeah funny how that works and yeah it chaps because just like the crap in Real life its collateral damage. Funny how often art imitates life and the other way around right? I am so tired of always being collateral damage. Then I still fix shit and you know own shit is usually the very last thing to even be looked at for fixing. Frankly its starting to piss me off more then a little bit.

So yeah…sure i’ll happily fix your RP problem…5 bucks says one character wasn’t even considered in this whole thing…I am already owed a fiver so it will either turn to 10 or call it good.

The slave ran off with the wayward companion and they did whatever the fuck they felt like for years on end. Then they both got sucked into the sea and died.

The end.

What you were expecting a happily ever after? Afraid right now I have none of those. Maybe after I sit for a while with it I will have my Dickens moment and tiny Tim will live and Scrooge will do good for many years. But for the moment…. HUMBUG.

Now excuse me while I go and wrap finish wrapping Christmas presents and proceed to feel a bit like this over the whole thing:

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I feel like I edit myself a lot when it comes to my blogs. I know I need to do this in some of them, like my craft blog or the one connected to the area where kids are a lot. I do however try to keep a fair amount of separation between the business that involves kids (see me trying to avoid naming it for the connection issues) and my personal life. It isn’t that I think sex is shameful, or that anything else I do or say is shameful. For the most part (I am human after all) I stand by what I have said and put out there on the internet. I rarely delete things (and even if you do, they aren’t fully deleted so..) because I try to put thought into things before I put them out into the world. Not just because of the permanence of the internet but because of the energy you put out in the universe. It matters. I think if you felt something in that moment and you thought about it before putting it out there, well then leave it as it is. Sure, you may feel differently now, but going through these feelings, phases and everything else is how we evolve and change in life. For me, I tend to use this blog space here as a catch all. Birth of a Notion started out as the birth of an idea of being able to share whatever random crap I felt like.

Yes, I have gone through phases where I tried to focus this blog, make it about one thing or another. Attempted to make it more commercial so I could monetize it. I even tried to make it my version of a mommy blog once, who cared if it was four legged mommy right? Yikes. None of those peg holes worked. Why? Well, because this blog was never intended for that it was intended for my space to be me and just go through life and post what I want. Post what I am feeling, get it off my chest and yes with Saturday Sanc and other things post creative, random things that might not fit in other places. FAN FIC BABY! I still love me some good fan fic! I was happier in general once I realized that I needed to stop forcing it and just roll with it. I may not be the most prolific blogger ever, especially as of late as life takes me down a lot of roads, but I have accepted Birth of a Notion needs to remain about what that notion was originally. Me. Less edited. Me being not as guarded, it is harder than you think.

Even with all of that, I still generally edit myself around sex on this blog. WHY? I write about it. Oh, I write about it A LOT. Dirty steamy shit too, seriously it would make some of you blush and others just nod along. Maybe it is because there are members of my family like my Mom who know about this blog and have access to it, as posts automatically go to my Facebook (I don’t hide my true self generally speaking)? Or maybe it is just because while I am as liberal and free thinking as they come I am still a product of a Puritan society.

I was born, raised and live in a society where men can run around topless and no one bats a lash (please don’t change this!) but if a woman so much as hints at nipple on social media the ban hammer comes down like THAT. It can be about something that has nothing to do with sex. It can be about breast cancer, survival, breastfeeding or just a woman being as she was made. BAD! OMG a nipple! Make it go away! News flash men have nipples too, and lets take a look at things for a second okay. Nipples on women’s breasts have a purpose. Breasts fill with milk when there is a baby growing, baby is born, milk is produced, baby uses nipple to latch onto and drink milk. That is the purpose of breasts and nipples. Nourishing young. Period. ( I am sorry to my sisters out there who can’t breast feed I am not trying to make you feel less then while making my point I promise). It is society and largely men who have sexualized nipples. Yeah ,they can be used during sex. Yes ,they are a point of arousal for many women. No doubt, but at the end of the day that is not what they are actually THERE FOR.

Why do men have nipples?

Like I am seriously asking….hold on a second let’s ask Doctor Google.

Okay, funny when you type in “why do men have…” the first thing that comes up on the auto fill? Yeah. Nipples. HA. So okay good I am clearly not the only one pondering this.

Okay ,so the short basic answer is that in the first few weeks of life boys and girls are the same. So when the basic body bits form, we get the same stuff like nipples. Then when teste’s devlop for boys things change, but the nipples are still there. A slightly more scientific look at it… from Live

During the first several weeks, male and female embryos follow the same blueprint, which includes the development of nipples. However, at about six to seven weeks of gestation, a gene on the Y chromosome induces changes that lead to the development of the testes, the organ that makes and stores sperm and produces testosterone, according to the book “Exploring the Biological Contributions to Human Health: Does Sex Matter?” (National Academies Press, 2001).

After the testes are formed, the male fetus begins producing testosterone at about nine weeks of gestation, changing the genetic activity of cells in the genitals and brain. But by then, those nipples aren’t going anywhere.

So there you go. Nipples boys and girls are the same! Same same same! I mean if anything men have the sexual nipples….So why is it okay for men and not women to show the nipple? Yeah, we all know why, the bottom line is sex. Women are sexual objects and yet we don’t want to talk about sex publicly. Well, screw that. Seriously, just screw it.

Let’s talk about sex. I am not going to run around selling sex on my other business because it is up to parents to talk to their kids. I can only hope more parents start to talk to their kids openly about sex. It shouldn’t be taboo or scary. It is natural. It is natural to enjoy it and it shouldn’t be this thing we have behind closed doors. Talking about sex doesn’t corrupt people. I think we started to have issues with society when sex stopped being okay to think about. Rome may not have been a perfect place and rape has always been a thing we know that okay, BUT it seems to me that it wasn’t as big of a thing and yeah punishments were matching the crime too. Again Rome wasn’t perfect, but they weren’t corrupt because they freely talked about sex and didn’t have any free the nipple issues.

So yeah, I won’t suddenly be brandishing the nipple all over but screw it. I will be talking about sex. Healthy, consensual sex. Unless of course it is an issue that isn’t about that, but well come on use your brain and if you are reading this you likely know me somehow and I try to keep people with brains around. If you know me, love me even and this post offends you. I do apologize that it does, maybe you will wish to not read my blog posts on this blog in the future. Or you can skim the title and first paragraph, I promise I will be upfront about it…as I was with this post. I hope it doesn’t make you think less or ill of me, but if it does that isn’t on me and it will not make me change my mind. I have to be my most authentic self in the spaces I create myself. So accept it or don’t, no worries love and light either way.

Closing for now…but in closing i’ll use some more immortal words about sex.

Sex is natural, sex is good…. 😉

Fair warning the following images might not be safe for work or enjoyed ….. but you don’t see any offensive nipples 😉

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Once upon a time life was far more simple. I am not going back as far as childhood, but oh weren’t times super simple then? When the biggest problem you often faced was trying to find out if you and your friend could manage to get both of your parents to agree to an entire weekend of sleepovers. This would of course, sometimes involve agreeing to go to church. I am talking even just 5 or 6 years ago. Perhaps a bit further. From where I sit now, sure life was not perfect it never is but it seems like it was simpler in so many ways. It also felt like I had more close friends then. I am not talking about the family or lovers aspect but friends. I guess for me there is always a need to have the entire grouping as a whole. I am missing part of mine and I don’t know what to do about it anymore.

There is a point of course, when you are looking at life and the changes that have happened where you ask yourself if it is indeed you that is causing the problems. Now I will never say I am blameless, I believe that everyone involved in a relationship is going to have some blame when things go one way or another, but there are different levels of that. For me the result of looking at things is that, I miss my friends.

I miss my friends in Minnesota, we used to meet up for book meetings. I have a great many fond memories of chatting and sitting around just enjoying company in a wonderful comfortable spot with those book buddies. There is a plan in the future to make home base Minnesota again so perhaps that is something which in part if it is wanted will be able to be corrected. I am still in touch with some of these wonderful friends, but things don’t seem as close as they used to be. Part of life I know.

I miss my friend Vere. I know it was not a conventional friendship. We met online and in nearly 13 years we never met face to face. There was a wide range of reasons for this, a lot of it had to do with Vere’s fear of meeting with people, even friends. She had serious anxiety about it. Especially after a stalker almost took her life. I never minded though, because we communicated daily and shared everything but that one thing of being face to face. I would say we were as close as could be given that. We had routines and rituals, ones that I looked forward to and enjoyed so much. Three years ago on December 5th was the last time I heard from her, however. Everything went just as it always did, I never thought I wouldn’t hear from her again. But that was it. I have not heard from her since then. I don’t know what happened. I wish I did. She promised she would never purposely just vanish, see that is one of my fears to just have someone vanish and not knowing why or what happened. I believe she never would have just left. She was sick and had some other issues, so it is perfectly feasible that something happened. I just wish I knew for sure. She assured me that her lawyer would know how to contact me should anything that was the worst truly happen, but I don’t always trust lawyers in that respect. It is also possible with some of her brain issues that she could be in a coma or something happened and she has no memory of it. I miss Vere more than I can put into words right now.

There are other friends I miss too. Through things that have happened pains they have been created, issues that haven’t been dealt with. Most days I feel like I am on an island and everything calls it the oh but your so strong island and that is where I am. I just have to be the strong person everyone needs. But I miss my friends, I miss having my own support system in place, my own comfortable rituals and things that I could count on happening. Routine. For me routine has always been a comfortable place, something I could hold onto in times of stress when everything else is up in the air.

I should elaborate more on this topic, It feels a little open ended, leaving it here, but my eyes are going cross eyed. So I will leave it for now to perhaps re-visit later. The long, short and simple of it is….I miss my friends.

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I know I haven’t done Saturday sanctuary in some time, but these days I am even less inclined to do so. Especially after a recent discovery and issue that happened with someone who is a “friend”. To creative types, writers and those who work in mediums that are not the “normal” there are certain things that are held sacred. When a friend tells you about something that are writing, working on and even trust you enough to tell you a little about it and the characters common sense would say you shouldn’t break that trust by being a thief. Of course common sense would also dictate that once you get called on your theft you shouldn’t be a belligerent little jackass about it either.

Well, yesterday I indeed ran into a situation I never thought I would. This very situation that I just talked about, right down to how the confrontation went. Only it was so much worse.

When I confronted this person who says she loves me, calls herself my sister about the theft. I was met with a range of responses that to be honest made my blood boil. Here are just a few of them:

It’s not your name
You can’t own a name
I didn’t use the whole name only part of it
Your acting like I just killed your sister, it’s just a name
It’s just a placeholder
It’s only on a character template
I don’t understand why you’re so bent out of shape
Well, I have changed it now
I’m sorry (stated in the most bland monotone tone you could ever hear… and I’ve heard literally thousands of times)
I changed it so what

There were a great many more and a lot more to the conversation of course, all intended to make me feel like the one in the wrong for daring to have hurt feelings. It is true that it’s not my given name and it is true that without a lot of trouble and legal work you can’t own the copyright to a name, that really isn’t the point. This particular name never in a million years would have been on this person’s radar if it wasn’t for me. It is not a common name it is not smith or Jones or something like that. It was even conceded that if it was not for me this name wouldn’t be known to her.

Most creative types, especially writers will tell you that ideas, and stories are like children to them. When you create a character they can feel completely real and they are like children. So when someone steals any part of them, it is a massive betrayal. Yet another reminder to me that I don’t get to have those feelings. I always have to be the okay one, the one who fixes things for people and never gets upset, hurt or so on. The one who has to prop everyone else up and solve her own things, usually at the same time.

2017 has been a really shitty year for me. Yes, there have been some high points, some fantastic and beautiful things. I could never say there hasn’t been those, but as a whole when you look at 2017 for me it will always be an annus horribilis for me. I have lost so much. My heart is ripped into shreds and I am just holding it, hoping it will mend, praying to all the Gods that it will find a way that I will find a way to stitch even some of it back together. However, the hits keep coming.

I am a forgiving and understanding person. I have been told sometimes that I am too forgiving, to understanding. Willing to look past to much. I am opening my eyes to the fact that this might be very true. I have been told I have a big heart, but if that is true this big heart sees no way to repair itself.

Friendships can take damage, true friendships can be repaired if the work is put into them. If both parties want to have that friendship and want to have what they did. However, I am starting to see that there might be such a thing as to much damage. There might be such a thing in a friendship as a fatal wound. This is not how I have ever wanted to look at things, but 2017 as a year, even now that it is almost over, perhaps especially now that it is almost over is forcing me to see that reality.

I don’t know what to do about it anymore.

I am exhausted with all of it, I am tired of putting other peoples lives back together while mine can come crashing down around my ears without so much as a , “can I give you a hand out of the rubble?” from those I help. Maybe it is selfish of me to expect that. It probably is.

To some what I write here may have you going, “but its just a fictional character name”. True, it is the name of a fictional character, but it is not JUST that. Writers will understand. Especially writers who have ever spent a great deal of time writing for OTHER people and when you share something you are writing for YOURSELF, for you to stamp your name loud and proud on… or at least a formal nom de plume that WILL be yours and yours alone…they will understand this. How this feels, they’ll know why it is more than just a name. So much more.

With everything else that has happened, with the way this whole name thing was handled.. I am afraid this might push that friendship into the land of not able to be fixed. It makes me sad to type that, to say it, to even think it but there it is. This might be the signal that says this relationship should be put out of its misery. That maybe sometimes that is just what happens and with this one, it’s time to end the suffering. Perhaps it stands as the coup de grace for this relationship. Maybe it’s a signal for things to come. Maybe it’s the sign that says this relationship and others do indeed need to be put to rest. I don’t know.

Or maybe I am just stressed and I’ll be told just to get over it. Won’t be the first time. Likely not the last either.

Apologies to anyone who came looking for the Saturday Sanctuary. I am afraid on this cold December day there is no Sanctuary to be found. I have none to give.

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I have spent the better part of a week, maybe two I am having massive trouble with time right now because I am not getting near enough sleep working on a well meaning post about change. About how hard it is but that in the end if it is something you truly want and it is for the better how good of a thing it is. Change can be freeing. At this moment in time I want to set that post on fire and piss on it. Fuck it. Yeah my blog and I am cussing, deal with it I do that sometimes. FUCK IT.

I am tired of motivating people to change. Cheer leading for them to get better, to do things that will indeed in the end make them happy. I am tired of it. Dead damn tired. So fuck it. Don’t change stay the same. Do whatever you want. Fuck up your life, fuck up the planet, fuck up everyone who has ever tried to reach out and help you. Fuck it.

My favorite part of the never ending game I seem to be stuck in with those who I have invested so much love, time and energy into who say they love me too and want to make changes to some really fucked up stuff is when they use the cheer leading I have given them as a weapon aimed at me. Oh that is so fun, really and it makes me SO want to help them again right? It happens to me ALL the time and from a variety of fucking places. Today today I am calling on the one that bitch slapped my ass while I was in the middle of my own emotional crisis. Not the first time my emotional shit has meant absolutely nothing because GODS FORBID the strong person have a moment when life is FUCKED UP. Right? My life is perfect I ain’t got a single damn thing to be upset about. DAMN I keep forgetting about that. WHOOPS.

So in the middle of my ball of shit, which I am still firmly stuck in. Just for those readers who may be hard of understanding. Apparently my advice was listened too and OMG I was looking forward to spending time with you. Really? Couldn’t have said any of that a few hours ago? No because its so much more fun to use it as a bitch slap to say fuck you bitch see you RUINED IT. Then call it a night.

Yeah always a great feeling when someone who supposedly loves you just poofs at a moment when you kinda need them the most. Really makes you think about all the endless nights, days everything that you have stayed up, lost sleep, canceled appointments, jostled work, called and been send to voice mail, called and been hung up on and all the other crap you have done and they cant be fucked to have a conversation when you aren’t being Mary fucking Poppins.

Not the first time either. You would really think I would learn. I mean clearly most of this is my fault because I give people way to much faith and way to many chances. Doesn’t matter how hard I get fucked I always try to say hey maybe this time will be different.

News flash IT WON’T! News flash..think I am done trying to convince someone else it will be any different either. I mean if I am now at a point where I don’t feel shit will be different I sure as fuck won’t be blowing smoke up anyone else’s ass about it. FUCK IT.

Yeah I have issues and pain and here the come all spilling out because the cork is out of the bottle and as hard as I am trying I can’t get it shoved back in. I am sure at some point I will and then I will delete this post. Who knows maybe before anyone who is the cause of all this shit even manages to see it I mean we are going on how many weeks behind on important to me really proud of my work stuff now? 3 I think. Nice right? Whatever.

I have tried so hard with people. I have tried. I have researched, I have studied I have spent countless days looking at all the different ways to handle situations and people with problems and how to best help them. I have drawn on my own very long standing wisdom about and and searched out more. Because when I love someone, when I comit to be a loved one I am ALL IN. I will do whatever it takes. ALL IN. The thing I am realizing is that more often then not I am the only one who is actually ALL in. I am the only one committing this kind of time and energy to helping another person. Hell they wont even help themselves let alone anyone else. What the fuck am I doing? One recent read stands out like a big black chalk board

3. Refuse to put up with emotional blackmail.

People who are in the throws of playing the victim will blackmail you with your own emotions.

Yeah I suck at refusing to put up with emotional blackmail. I have tried. Yup I HAVE but I fail. Even now as I write this trying to purge myself of some of the never ending pain I am currently feeling by getting the worlds out a small voice says to me. Don’t post this. Posting this will only end up making you feel guilty. There will be lots of comments about what a terrible person so and so is and how they are a shit and all the other self flagellation comments that will then make me feel like a giant turd because I dared to not be Mary god damn poppins for 5 fucking minutes of my fucking life.

Whatever. At this point I have completely lost the plot. I doubt there will be anyway to pull myself back together and there is an option that would be so much easier. Maybe I will try to pull myself back together but I don’t think it is even worth it anymore. It just really isn’t. There is so much stress, to much stress and I don’t want it to be that way. Yes life is stressful I know that and it won’t ever be stress free. Is it to much to ask for a couple of FRIENDS who are willing to be there for you when you are willing to be there for them? I mean seriously is that asking to much? Please someone tell me if I am expecting to much that those who take support from me, say they love me and take my love for them to support me back when I am having a time of need. I will be happy to be corrected then. If that IS asking to much correct me. I will accept it and look upon things.

Something tells me that really isn’t asking to much but PLEASE TELL ME IF I AM WRONG.

On that note. Time to end this blog post. Apologies to anyone who comes upon it randomly. You may find it a bit insane and run the other direction. That is okay. I will respect that because frankly I am not sure that I am not insane anymore. I just might be. Apologies for that.

and PS this hasn’t been edited for grammar or typos. Apologies for that too.

“You cannot continue to victimize someone else just because you yourself were a victim once—there has to be a limit” Edward W. Said (Professor and Author, Orientalism)

“Don’t let your struggle become your identity.” Ralston Bowles (Songwriter, Carwreck Conversations)

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Oh what can I say poor little blog sits without much love as of late. No doubt about that I have just been so busy doing a lot of other things. That is the standard excuse but it IS true, excuse or not. Anyways I am really still to busy but once again someone in my life is suffering from a bomb going off. I always feel so helpless when this crap happens. I know it isn’t about me, but I do have feelings on it. Especially when some of the things said to me weren’t super fantastic either. I deal at the end of the day as I have covered before I am ” the strong one” so I always have to deal eh? Everyone is always telling me you deserve a better friend. Simple solution to that….be a better friend. I digress I did not set out today to make this post about me and my overly complex barely dealt with feelings.

No I started this post today to say as loud as possible VICTIM MENTALITY IS DANGEROUS. Now I am not going to say those with victim mentality haven’t at times been victims. The problem happens when you get trapped in that mindset. It is an addiction just as strong if not stronger then any others. But is is more dangerous because most people don’t see it for the dangerous addiction that it is.

“Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the nonpharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”
John W. Gardner

One big problem a lot of people have is that they slip into thinking of themselves as victims that have little or no control over their lives. In this headspace you feel sorry for yourself, the world seems to be against you and you get stuck. Little to no action is taken and you get lost in a funk of sadness and self-pity.

So how can you move out of that mindset? Well here are just a few solid points I have found.

1. Know the benefits of a victim mentality.

There are a few benefits of the victim mentality:

Attention and validation. You can always get good feelings from other people as they are concerned about you and try to help you out. On the other hand, it may not last for that long as people get tired of it.

You don’t have to take risks. When you feel like a victim you tend to not take action and then you don’t have to risk for example rejection or failure.

Don’t have to take the sometimes heavy responsibility. Taking responsibility for you own life can be hard work, you have to make difficult decisions and it is just heavy sometimes. In the short term it can feel like the easier choice to not take personal responsibility.

It makes you feel right. When you feel like the victim and like everyone else – or just someone else – is wrong and you are right then that can lead to pleasurable feelings.

In my experience, by just being aware of the benefits of from victim thinking it becomes easier to say no to that and to choose to take a different path.

2. Be ok with not being the victim.

So to break out of that mentality you have to give up the benefits above. You might also experience a sort of emptiness within when you let go of victim thinking. You may have spent hours each week with thinking and talking about how wrong things have gone for you in life. Or how people have wronged you and how you could get some revenge or triumph over them.

Now you have to fill your life with new thinking that may feel uncomfortable because it is not so intimately familiar as the victim thinking your have been engaging in for years.

3. Take responsibility for your life.

Why do people often have self-esteem problems? I’d say that one of the big reasons is that they don’t take responsibility for their lives. Instead someone else is blamed for the bad things that happen and a victim mentality is created and empowered.

This damages many vital parts in your life. Stuff like relationships, ambitions and achievements.

That hurt will not stop until you wise up and take responsibility for your life. There is really no way around it.

And the difference is really remarkable. Just try it out. You feel so much better about yourself even if you only take personal responsibility for your own life for a day.

This is also a way to stop relying on external validation like praise from other people to feel good about yourself. Instead you start building a stability within and a sort of inner spring that fuels your life with positive emotions no matter what other people say or do around you.

Yes this is a very black and white way it and things are not always that easy, but there has to be a line where you start and where the buck stops. Sometimes that line has to be a simple black and white thing.

4. Gratitude.

“Does someone have it worse on the planet?”

The answer may not result in positive thoughts, but it can sure snap you of a somewhat childish “poor, poor me…” attitude pretty quickly. And put it into more of a “I understand that I have much to be grateful for in my life”.

This question changes perspective from a narrow, self-centred one into a much wider one. It helps to lighten up about a situation.

After you’ve have changed my perspective its good to usually ask another question like:

“What is the hidden opportunity within this situation?”

That is very helpful to keep your focus on how to solve a problem or get something good out a current situation. Rather than asking yourself “why?” over and over and thereby focusing on making yourself feel worse and worse.

5. Forgive.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in thinking that forgiveness is just about something you “should do”. But forgiving can in a practical way be extremely beneficial for you.

One of the best reasons to forgive can be found in this quote by Catherine Ponder:

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”

As long as you don’t forgive someone you are linked to that person. Your thoughts will return to the person who wronged you and what s/he did over and over again. The emotional link between the two of you is so strong and inflicts much suffering in you and – as a result of your inner turmoil – most often in other people around you too.

When you forgive you do not only release the other person. You set yourself free too from all of that agony.

6. Turn your focus outward and help someone out.

The questions in tip #4 are useful. Another question to use when you get into the victim headspace is simply:

“How can I give value right now?”

Asking that question and making that shift in what you focus on really helps, even if you may not feel totally like doing it.

So you figure out how you can give someone else value, how you can help someone out.

And thing is that the way you behave and think towards others seems to have a big, big effect on how you behave towards yourself and think about yourself. For example, judge people more and you tend to judge yourself more. Be more kind to other people and help them and you tend to be more kind and helpful to yourself.

A bit counter intuitive perhaps, but that has been my experience. The more you love other people, the more your love yourself.

7. Give yourself a break.

Getting out of a victim mentality can be hard. Some days you will slip. That’s ok. Be ok with that.

And be nice to yourself. If you have to be perfect then one little slip is made into a big problem and may cause you to spiral down into a very negative place for many days.

It is more helpful to just give yourself a break and use the tips above to move yourself into a positive and empowered headspace once again.

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It is no secret to those who are close to me that since Dutchy passed away, I am a large open wound. I am not sure I will ever be able to move through it or if I am just going to end up feeling like this open raw wound for the rest of my life. All of the deaths that have happened in my life, human and pet alike have hurt. I know it sounds like I am playing kind of favorites, but that isn’t it. Dutchy was my familiar and more than that it felt like she was a part of me, she was a part of me. 17 years is a long time together and she was the rescue that came into my life as the first animal I had since my dog Scamper had passed away. She was with me through so many major life events that it would be impossible to name them all. When I was crying, she was there, when I was happy she was there. Dutchy was just always there. And now she isn’t and I am having an impossibly hard time with it. But I didn’t start typing this post to go on about that again, although it does have relevance to the main subject. You have to allow people to work through things. Whether it is because they are grieving or trying to wrap their minds around some kind of incident that has happened to them.

We are all human and we all do things and life is life and sometimes shit happens. That’s okay because that is how life works right? I mean you show me one person who has gone through life perfectly and I will eat the laptop I am typing on. Things happen. Here is the thing I feel about it, things will always happen can’t stop it, but it is how we DEAL with those things that matters. I really think you can tell a lot about someone by seeing how they handle situations as they crop up.

There isn’t a black and white, right and wrong way to handle things, we are all different and have to process differently. The one thing to me that comes across as a non negotiable, however is that you have got to try and let others process in their way. I know I am not perfect in that myself, but I always try my level best at it and I am continuing to work and improve at that myself. As of late though I find that I end up being a little less tolerant about it, not because I want to but because a lot of people in my life aren’t allowing ME to process things the way I need to. I know that sounds a bit childish and it is NOT how I expected things to go and I am working on it still but man oh man its just why can’t I process things too?

Lately anytime something crops up that I want to talk about or work through I am told to drop it. I am told that people don’t want to dwell, or let it drag down the whole day or whatever. I am by no means a person who wants to drag down an entire day over an issue, but really? Talking about things, talking through them that is a way for me to process and deal. I talk about things, muddle through them and then I work on letting them go. That is how I work when it comes to processing and healing. Sadly, I am not being allowed to anywhere I turn. I am hit with drop it, I don’t want to talk about it, get over it already and a myriad of other comments that amount to, NOPE.

Two very important people in my life have ripped me to shreds over recent times. They have said sorry sure, but I am still not being allowed to actually work through the problems. Sorry is a good place to start, but if you don’t allow people to work through it and sometimes that means working through it WITH you and TALKING about things that might not be super comfortable are you really all that sorry?

Sorry is a word and it can be a great jumping off point, but it is not a magic bullet. It doesn’t just fix everything. You HAVE to allow people to work through things. If you don’t, it’s just going to end up being a wound that doesn’t heal and it will likely fester and then where will you be?

If you love someone, let them work through it. Let them process, be there for them. Don’t tell them you just want to drop it if the issue is something that is important to them. You never know how much damage something like that will cause.

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I spend most of my life fighting battles. Many of which I know I’ll never win. I fight them for myself but mostly I fight them for my loved ones. But I’m tired. I am so exhausted that I want to lay down my sword forever.

There have been so many loses this year and last year… so many hard personal loses. I was barely treading water before and now that a part of my soul has crossed the rainbow bridge and I’m drowning. Somedays lately I ask myself what am I even fighting for? To be forgotten about? To be an after thought? To be the also ran? To be the ATM. Or the place holder until something better comes along?

I’m not posting this here for attention, I’m not posting it because I’m going to harm myself ( I never would ) I’m posting it here because I’m tired of keeping it in and at least here no one can interrupt me mid thought and say, but you’re so strong! You’re always strong! You’ll be fine! Well meant I’m sure but even the strong need support and love and care. Ha but of course I’ve been told my life is far better then many others so what do I have to complain about. We all fight battles.

Just because one persons life is different then yours, just because their struggles are different doesn’t make them less than. We all fight battles. Period. But I’m so tired.

I used to have friends. Not tons but ones I trusted and loved…still love. But now the majority are gone. For varied reasons most by their own choice because I wouldn’t give them some material thing they demanded. Nice right? I’m so tired. I drop everything for those I love when they need me. I’ll put all of my own shit aside my work whatever it takes. I thought that is what you did. But I’ve noticed as of late…the same isn’t done for me. I don’t expect people to lose their work or anything like that, but some form of letting me know I matter would be nice. I’m tired.

I’m tired of being in a room literally or figuratively full of people but feeling alone in the dark. I’m drowning, where’s my hand of help? I’ve used all my glue putting others back together I don’t have any left for myself. I’m drowning but people only seem to want to spend time with me when someone else isn’t available to them. I can’t breath but the only time my phone seems to ring with any regular basis is for work or when something is required of me. Or when I’m expected to flip a switch and suddenly vent everything I’ve been told to keep to myself. I’m so tired.

This warrior doesn’t want to fight anymore. This warrior would rather be with the other part of herself. Maybe it’s time to stop fighting, to treat others the same way they treat me. To fully stay locked into the busy schedule I have and stop making time in it for others. Or maybe it’s just time to find a way to be with my other half, at least I’d feel whole again.

Of course none of those things will be what happens. Instead I’ll carry on and keep fighting. As I’ve always done. Be there and fix things and be the strong one. All the whole fairly sure no one will notice how tired I am. As long as I keep doing what they expect. That seems to be all that matters anyways.

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Hello Monday. Today is the second Monday since I lost my sweet Dutchy. I am not coping well. I can’t focus on things for more then a few minutes at a time. Time and life marches on so I am doing my best to keep doing those important adult things. This song is beautiful though and right now I need a little bit of beauty in my life.

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