I know I haven’t done Saturday sanctuary in some time, but these days I am even less inclined to do so. Especially after a recent discovery and issue that happened with someone who is a “friend”. To creative types, writers and those who work in mediums that are not the “normal” there are certain things that are held sacred. When a friend tells you about something that are writing, working on and even trust you enough to tell you a little about it and the characters common sense would say you shouldn’t break that trust by being a thief. Of course common sense would also dictate that once you get called on your theft you shouldn’t be a belligerent little jackass about it either.
Well, yesterday I indeed ran into a situation I never thought I would. This very situation that I just talked about, right down to how the confrontation went. Only it was so much worse.
When I confronted this person who says she loves me, calls herself my sister about the theft. I was met with a range of responses that to be honest made my blood boil. Here are just a few of them:
It’s not your name
You can’t own a name
I didn’t use the whole name only part of it
Your acting like I just killed your sister, it’s just a name
It’s just a placeholder
It’s only on a character template
I don’t understand why you’re so bent out of shape
Well, I have changed it now
I’m sorry (stated in the most bland monotone tone you could ever hear… and I’ve heard literally thousands of times)
I changed it so what
There were a great many more and a lot more to the conversation of course, all intended to make me feel like the one in the wrong for daring to have hurt feelings. It is true that it’s not my given name and it is true that without a lot of trouble and legal work you can’t own the copyright to a name, that really isn’t the point. This particular name never in a million years would have been on this person’s radar if it wasn’t for me. It is not a common name it is not smith or Jones or something like that. It was even conceded that if it was not for me this name wouldn’t be known to her.
Most creative types, especially writers will tell you that ideas, and stories are like children to them. When you create a character they can feel completely real and they are like children. So when someone steals any part of them, it is a massive betrayal. Yet another reminder to me that I don’t get to have those feelings. I always have to be the okay one, the one who fixes things for people and never gets upset, hurt or so on. The one who has to prop everyone else up and solve her own things, usually at the same time.
2017 has been a really shitty year for me. Yes, there have been some high points, some fantastic and beautiful things. I could never say there hasn’t been those, but as a whole when you look at 2017 for me it will always be an annus horribilis for me. I have lost so much. My heart is ripped into shreds and I am just holding it, hoping it will mend, praying to all the Gods that it will find a way that I will find a way to stitch even some of it back together. However, the hits keep coming.
I am a forgiving and understanding person. I have been told sometimes that I am too forgiving, to understanding. Willing to look past to much. I am opening my eyes to the fact that this might be very true. I have been told I have a big heart, but if that is true this big heart sees no way to repair itself.
Friendships can take damage, true friendships can be repaired if the work is put into them. If both parties want to have that friendship and want to have what they did. However, I am starting to see that there might be such a thing as to much damage. There might be such a thing in a friendship as a fatal wound. This is not how I have ever wanted to look at things, but 2017 as a year, even now that it is almost over, perhaps especially now that it is almost over is forcing me to see that reality.
I don’t know what to do about it anymore.
I am exhausted with all of it, I am tired of putting other peoples lives back together while mine can come crashing down around my ears without so much as a , “can I give you a hand out of the rubble?” from those I help. Maybe it is selfish of me to expect that. It probably is.
To some what I write here may have you going, “but its just a fictional character name”. True, it is the name of a fictional character, but it is not JUST that. Writers will understand. Especially writers who have ever spent a great deal of time writing for OTHER people and when you share something you are writing for YOURSELF, for you to stamp your name loud and proud on… or at least a formal nom de plume that WILL be yours and yours alone…they will understand this. How this feels, they’ll know why it is more than just a name. So much more.
With everything else that has happened, with the way this whole name thing was handled.. I am afraid this might push that friendship into the land of not able to be fixed. It makes me sad to type that, to say it, to even think it but there it is. This might be the signal that says this relationship should be put out of its misery. That maybe sometimes that is just what happens and with this one, it’s time to end the suffering. Perhaps it stands as the coup de grace for this relationship. Maybe it’s a signal for things to come. Maybe it’s the sign that says this relationship and others do indeed need to be put to rest. I don’t know.
Or maybe I am just stressed and I’ll be told just to get over it. Won’t be the first time. Likely not the last either.
Apologies to anyone who came looking for the Saturday Sanctuary. I am afraid on this cold December day there is no Sanctuary to be found. I have none to give.
