I have spent the better part of a week, maybe two I am having massive trouble with time right now because I am not getting near enough sleep working on a well meaning post about change. About how hard it is but that in the end if it is something you truly want and it is for the better how good of a thing it is. Change can be freeing. At this moment in time I want to set that post on fire and piss on it. Fuck it. Yeah my blog and I am cussing, deal with it I do that sometimes. FUCK IT.
I am tired of motivating people to change. Cheer leading for them to get better, to do things that will indeed in the end make them happy. I am tired of it. Dead damn tired. So fuck it. Don’t change stay the same. Do whatever you want. Fuck up your life, fuck up the planet, fuck up everyone who has ever tried to reach out and help you. Fuck it.
My favorite part of the never ending game I seem to be stuck in with those who I have invested so much love, time and energy into who say they love me too and want to make changes to some really fucked up stuff is when they use the cheer leading I have given them as a weapon aimed at me. Oh that is so fun, really and it makes me SO want to help them again right? It happens to me ALL the time and from a variety of fucking places. Today today I am calling on the one that bitch slapped my ass while I was in the middle of my own emotional crisis. Not the first time my emotional shit has meant absolutely nothing because GODS FORBID the strong person have a moment when life is FUCKED UP. Right? My life is perfect I ain’t got a single damn thing to be upset about. DAMN I keep forgetting about that. WHOOPS.
So in the middle of my ball of shit, which I am still firmly stuck in. Just for those readers who may be hard of understanding. Apparently my advice was listened too and OMG I was looking forward to spending time with you. Really? Couldn’t have said any of that a few hours ago? No because its so much more fun to use it as a bitch slap to say fuck you bitch see you RUINED IT. Then call it a night.
Yeah always a great feeling when someone who supposedly loves you just poofs at a moment when you kinda need them the most. Really makes you think about all the endless nights, days everything that you have stayed up, lost sleep, canceled appointments, jostled work, called and been send to voice mail, called and been hung up on and all the other crap you have done and they cant be fucked to have a conversation when you aren’t being Mary fucking Poppins.
Not the first time either. You would really think I would learn. I mean clearly most of this is my fault because I give people way to much faith and way to many chances. Doesn’t matter how hard I get fucked I always try to say hey maybe this time will be different.
News flash IT WON’T! News flash..think I am done trying to convince someone else it will be any different either. I mean if I am now at a point where I don’t feel shit will be different I sure as fuck won’t be blowing smoke up anyone else’s ass about it. FUCK IT.
Yeah I have issues and pain and here the come all spilling out because the cork is out of the bottle and as hard as I am trying I can’t get it shoved back in. I am sure at some point I will and then I will delete this post. Who knows maybe before anyone who is the cause of all this shit even manages to see it I mean we are going on how many weeks behind on important to me really proud of my work stuff now? 3 I think. Nice right? Whatever.
I have tried so hard with people. I have tried. I have researched, I have studied I have spent countless days looking at all the different ways to handle situations and people with problems and how to best help them. I have drawn on my own very long standing wisdom about and and searched out more. Because when I love someone, when I comit to be a loved one I am ALL IN. I will do whatever it takes. ALL IN. The thing I am realizing is that more often then not I am the only one who is actually ALL in. I am the only one committing this kind of time and energy to helping another person. Hell they wont even help themselves let alone anyone else. What the fuck am I doing? One recent read stands out like a big black chalk board
3. Refuse to put up with emotional blackmail.
People who are in the throws of playing the victim will blackmail you with your own emotions.
Yeah I suck at refusing to put up with emotional blackmail. I have tried. Yup I HAVE but I fail. Even now as I write this trying to purge myself of some of the never ending pain I am currently feeling by getting the worlds out a small voice says to me. Don’t post this. Posting this will only end up making you feel guilty. There will be lots of comments about what a terrible person so and so is and how they are a shit and all the other self flagellation comments that will then make me feel like a giant turd because I dared to not be Mary god damn poppins for 5 fucking minutes of my fucking life.
Whatever. At this point I have completely lost the plot. I doubt there will be anyway to pull myself back together and there is an option that would be so much easier. Maybe I will try to pull myself back together but I don’t think it is even worth it anymore. It just really isn’t. There is so much stress, to much stress and I don’t want it to be that way. Yes life is stressful I know that and it won’t ever be stress free. Is it to much to ask for a couple of FRIENDS who are willing to be there for you when you are willing to be there for them? I mean seriously is that asking to much? Please someone tell me if I am expecting to much that those who take support from me, say they love me and take my love for them to support me back when I am having a time of need. I will be happy to be corrected then. If that IS asking to much correct me. I will accept it and look upon things.
Something tells me that really isn’t asking to much but PLEASE TELL ME IF I AM WRONG.
On that note. Time to end this blog post. Apologies to anyone who comes upon it randomly. You may find it a bit insane and run the other direction. That is okay. I will respect that because frankly I am not sure that I am not insane anymore. I just might be. Apologies for that.
and PS this hasn’t been edited for grammar or typos. Apologies for that too.
“You cannot continue to victimize someone else just because you yourself were a victim once—there has to be a limit” Edward W. Said (Professor and Author, Orientalism)
“Don’t let your struggle become your identity.” Ralston Bowles (Songwriter, Carwreck Conversations)
