I spend most of my life fighting battles. Many of which I know I’ll never win. I fight them for myself but mostly I fight them for my loved ones. But I’m tired. I am so exhausted that I want to lay down my sword forever.

There have been so many loses this year and last year… so many hard personal loses. I was barely treading water before and now that a part of my soul has crossed the rainbow bridge and I’m drowning. Somedays lately I ask myself what am I even fighting for? To be forgotten about? To be an after thought? To be the also ran? To be the ATM. Or the place holder until something better comes along?

I’m not posting this here for attention, I’m not posting it because I’m going to harm myself ( I never would ) I’m posting it here because I’m tired of keeping it in and at least here no one can interrupt me mid thought and say, but you’re so strong! You’re always strong! You’ll be fine! Well meant I’m sure but even the strong need support and love and care. Ha but of course I’ve been told my life is far better then many others so what do I have to complain about. We all fight battles.

Just because one persons life is different then yours, just because their struggles are different doesn’t make them less than. We all fight battles. Period. But I’m so tired.

I used to have friends. Not tons but ones I trusted and loved…still love. But now the majority are gone. For varied reasons most by their own choice because I wouldn’t give them some material thing they demanded. Nice right? I’m so tired. I drop everything for those I love when they need me. I’ll put all of my own shit aside my work whatever it takes. I thought that is what you did. But I’ve noticed as of late…the same isn’t done for me. I don’t expect people to lose their work or anything like that, but some form of letting me know I matter would be nice. I’m tired.

I’m tired of being in a room literally or figuratively full of people but feeling alone in the dark. I’m drowning, where’s my hand of help? I’ve used all my glue putting others back together I don’t have any left for myself. I’m drowning but people only seem to want to spend time with me when someone else isn’t available to them. I can’t breath but the only time my phone seems to ring with any regular basis is for work or when something is required of me. Or when I’m expected to flip a switch and suddenly vent everything I’ve been told to keep to myself. I’m so tired.

This warrior doesn’t want to fight anymore. This warrior would rather be with the other part of herself. Maybe it’s time to stop fighting, to treat others the same way they treat me. To fully stay locked into the busy schedule I have and stop making time in it for others. Or maybe it’s just time to find a way to be with my other half, at least I’d feel whole again.

Of course none of those things will be what happens. Instead I’ll carry on and keep fighting. As I’ve always done. Be there and fix things and be the strong one. All the whole fairly sure no one will notice how tired I am. As long as I keep doing what they expect. That seems to be all that matters anyways.

Hello Monday. Today is the second Monday since I lost my sweet Dutchy. I am not coping well. I can’t focus on things for more then a few minutes at a time. Time and life marches on so I am doing my best to keep doing those important adult things. This song is beautiful though and right now I need a little bit of beauty in my life.

Poetry can be a good release valve. Of course I stopped sharing it a long time ago as everyone would take what was in the poetry as a cemented thing. That isn’t how poetry works.

Feel the groove for this Monday! I am not feeling tip top by any means but I am trying to think positive today and hey a little sexy. Monday’s are no fun sometimes but we can try and make them a bit more fun right?

Tell me of pain, what you know of it.
Is it to be feared, or guarded against
like a tangible foe?
Do you seek it, or merely accept it
like an unavoidable opponent?
Is it to be welcomed, with open arms
as an enabling experience?
You tell me yours, I’ll tell you mine.
Pain… She was my first lover
My most intimate friend,
but a demanding mistress, she is…
The more you fight her,
she more she hurts you
with no safe word in place…
As I struggled against her
she demanded more of me
until there was almost nothing left.
She encompasses me,
cloaks me in her cold embrace.
A cruel master, never meant to rule
has no limits to what she will do.
She is meant to lend you strength,
help you overcome…
If only you can harness her, hold her in check.
Many years ago she escaped her reigns;
now it is I in her shackles
I know of no escape though I must.
I am riddled with the arrows;
arrows that others aimed
that she pierces me with,
each taking a slice of my soul.
Soon there will be nothing remaining;
only a vacant shell in which I once dwelled…

Another Monday another day I wish I could put in Magic Monday. Have fallen behind on completing a wholesale order because of some stuff going on. ARGH but I will manage yes yes I will. In the meantime I need a little Prince in my life.

Another Saturday another day where I am not feeling overly much like this is a Sanctuary. To say this week has been rough would be another massive understatement. I know I said that about the year last week, what can I say it is a saying I use and it is also very true.

That being said, part of my personal goals as far as posting more and easing back into things is simply getting posts up. For me that is the first step, doing that regularly. Then I can work and focus more on content. I think this is a feasible thing to do and I personally tend to operate better when I have a set of small attainable goals that will lead into the larger desired result.

So without further adieu here is this weeks inspiration as a writing prompt for anyone who may want to take and use it.

Writing is much like many things in life, like desire, want sometimes it is the small and simple things that inspire us/mean the most to us in life. Take this quiet and yet so loud scene from Poldark for example. Ross has been a clot, he knows he has been a clot and it will only get worse ( for those who know the story line ) but in this moment he was a man who knew he’d fumbled things and was making an honest and true effort to right the ship in someway.

I’ve set out fans and ice to the right over there. *snickers* I joke but I think anyone who see’s the scene will agree that it is sensual, steamy, lovely and a variety of other things at once. All of this wrapped up in a holiday gift and a pair of socks. Dare you to see that next holiday pair of socks from Grandma the same after watching this scene *LOL*. It is all in the intent, the eyes, the movements putting on a sock (please note he didn’t actually get the entire pair on lol ) something simple that ends up being wildly sensual and meaningful.

This is something I feel much of current TV & movies is missing, but slowly we are seeing a trend that is returning to these things. Even within romantic fantasies and the like it always tells a better story when it is more real, more like life as we see it. How many couples have gone through the simple measures of helping their other with socks? Or maybe a shirt? Skirt? On or off, its very real compared to the big fancy house parties and such.

Yet this scene for me is also bittersweet because I know what is to come. I know the mistakes that BOTH Ross and then Demelza will make. That too is very much like life isn’t it? We are all human and we make mistakes, it is what we do to fix and repair them that can truly matter. I believe that TRUE love can overcome ALMOST anything so long as both parties are willing to put in the work. Ross and Demelza never have a perfect relationship of course (what relationship is) but they do put in the work. Following the books they will go on to have a total of 4 children over the span of 20 years that we follow the family, so there is more then an heir and a spare as they say.

The simple things, they truly are the things we must hold onto as we all plod through this life. For when we are old (Gods Willing) and laying awaiting to go and meet the Gods and greet those who have gone before it is all those simple things that make a life. Oh sure there will always be some fantastic moments, those big glowing “best moments of my life” but they are not as many as the simple things. The simple beautiful moments they form our life, who we are and all the rest.

I am slowly following my way back to inspiration hopefully I can find some sanctuary again as well. For now I will enjoy the simple things. Like needing a fan after watching this video to make this post.

You know every single time I go to make this post I end up getting Manic Monday stuck in my head, lol. I think if I went with that popping into my head every week folks would get very bored very fast. Or they would wonder what in the world is wrong with me. That is of course a bit of a complicated question, but enough of that for the moment. This week is a goodie by Evanescence it has really been speaking to me lately. Not sure if that is good or bad, but it is what it is. Now time to crack the work whip at myself and get back to the grindstone.

I have been woefully neglectful of this blog and this particular part of it. I think that part of the reason is because as of late I just have not felt like I have sanctuary. To say that things have been stressful as of late would probably be the understatement of the century. I still have my creative drive in some senses but more often then not it gets put into work and there is nothing left for the heck of it. Which actually makes me a little bit sad. I am not sure why, I know most don’t read the little blog endeavors and instead wait for my work to be presented and will look at that. On most levels I am fine with that because I do the blog endeavors for myself, but sometimes I get pouty about it. I can admit it, hey I am human after all.

I am working to shake off the issues that have been throwing themselves up in front of me as of late. Trust me it is not a lack of inspiration that has been causing issues. One might even say it is to much inspiration I just can’t see to pin something particular down.

LOL maybe it is a one track mind problem as of late? This is just the first pictures I grabbed from my saved folder too hahaha.

I use the work and busy excuse a lot when it comes to my blogging over the last few years, but it is all true. I know it feels like an excuse and I hate that it does but it really isn’t. I do love blogging, I have since I started doing it what feels like a million years ago. Alas there are so many other things I love and well that I get wrapped up in. Life is funny like that sometimes eh?

So I suppose this was just a little prattly and I hope perhaps that anyone who reads may find some inspiration this week more then I for writing. I know another reason that I seem to get stuck anytime I sit down to work on the Saturday Sanc is that my friend Vere vanishing into the ether several years ago is still with me. I don’t know what happened to her and I have employed every method I know how. It bothers me a great deal. The not knowing is like being left in Limbo and it sucks more then any knowledge could. I used to write nearly daily with Vere. It was fun writing, relaxing not work and the back and forth of it always made it that much better. She would make me write better, think more clearly when I was writing and not just go with what was in my mind. I do think it is the not knowing what happened to her that does also at times stop me when I am trying to work on a Saturday Sanctuary. Perhaps now that I have put that thought out there away from just being in my own mind I can let some of it go.

I don’t expect any overnight changes but it can’t hurt to try.

So I hope in future to put this lovely theme to better use and do more writing. In the meantime I hope others can find the inspiration and write! Writing really is such a wonderful thing.