Oh what can I say poor little blog sits without much love as of late. No doubt about that I have just been so busy doing a lot of other things. That is the standard excuse but it IS true, excuse or not. Anyways I am really still to busy but once again someone in my life is suffering from a bomb going off. I always feel so helpless when this crap happens. I know it isn’t about me, but I do have feelings on it. Especially when some of the things said to me weren’t super fantastic either. I deal at the end of the day as I have covered before I am ” the strong one” so I always have to deal eh? Everyone is always telling me you deserve a better friend. Simple solution to that….be a better friend. I digress I did not set out today to make this post about me and my overly complex barely dealt with feelings.

No I started this post today to say as loud as possible VICTIM MENTALITY IS DANGEROUS. Now I am not going to say those with victim mentality haven’t at times been victims. The problem happens when you get trapped in that mindset. It is an addiction just as strong if not stronger then any others. But is is more dangerous because most people don’t see it for the dangerous addiction that it is.

“Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the nonpharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”
John W. Gardner

One big problem a lot of people have is that they slip into thinking of themselves as victims that have little or no control over their lives. In this headspace you feel sorry for yourself, the world seems to be against you and you get stuck. Little to no action is taken and you get lost in a funk of sadness and self-pity.

So how can you move out of that mindset? Well here are just a few solid points I have found.

1. Know the benefits of a victim mentality.

There are a few benefits of the victim mentality:

Attention and validation. You can always get good feelings from other people as they are concerned about you and try to help you out. On the other hand, it may not last for that long as people get tired of it.

You don’t have to take risks. When you feel like a victim you tend to not take action and then you don’t have to risk for example rejection or failure.

Don’t have to take the sometimes heavy responsibility. Taking responsibility for you own life can be hard work, you have to make difficult decisions and it is just heavy sometimes. In the short term it can feel like the easier choice to not take personal responsibility.

It makes you feel right. When you feel like the victim and like everyone else – or just someone else – is wrong and you are right then that can lead to pleasurable feelings.

In my experience, by just being aware of the benefits of from victim thinking it becomes easier to say no to that and to choose to take a different path.

2. Be ok with not being the victim.

So to break out of that mentality you have to give up the benefits above. You might also experience a sort of emptiness within when you let go of victim thinking. You may have spent hours each week with thinking and talking about how wrong things have gone for you in life. Or how people have wronged you and how you could get some revenge or triumph over them.

Now you have to fill your life with new thinking that may feel uncomfortable because it is not so intimately familiar as the victim thinking your have been engaging in for years.

3. Take responsibility for your life.

Why do people often have self-esteem problems? I’d say that one of the big reasons is that they don’t take responsibility for their lives. Instead someone else is blamed for the bad things that happen and a victim mentality is created and empowered.

This damages many vital parts in your life. Stuff like relationships, ambitions and achievements.

That hurt will not stop until you wise up and take responsibility for your life. There is really no way around it.

And the difference is really remarkable. Just try it out. You feel so much better about yourself even if you only take personal responsibility for your own life for a day.

This is also a way to stop relying on external validation like praise from other people to feel good about yourself. Instead you start building a stability within and a sort of inner spring that fuels your life with positive emotions no matter what other people say or do around you.

Yes this is a very black and white way it and things are not always that easy, but there has to be a line where you start and where the buck stops. Sometimes that line has to be a simple black and white thing.

4. Gratitude.

“Does someone have it worse on the planet?”

The answer may not result in positive thoughts, but it can sure snap you of a somewhat childish “poor, poor me…” attitude pretty quickly. And put it into more of a “I understand that I have much to be grateful for in my life”.

This question changes perspective from a narrow, self-centred one into a much wider one. It helps to lighten up about a situation.

After you’ve have changed my perspective its good to usually ask another question like:

“What is the hidden opportunity within this situation?”

That is very helpful to keep your focus on how to solve a problem or get something good out a current situation. Rather than asking yourself “why?” over and over and thereby focusing on making yourself feel worse and worse.

5. Forgive.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in thinking that forgiveness is just about something you “should do”. But forgiving can in a practical way be extremely beneficial for you.

One of the best reasons to forgive can be found in this quote by Catherine Ponder:

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”

As long as you don’t forgive someone you are linked to that person. Your thoughts will return to the person who wronged you and what s/he did over and over again. The emotional link between the two of you is so strong and inflicts much suffering in you and – as a result of your inner turmoil – most often in other people around you too.

When you forgive you do not only release the other person. You set yourself free too from all of that agony.

6. Turn your focus outward and help someone out.

The questions in tip #4 are useful. Another question to use when you get into the victim headspace is simply:

“How can I give value right now?”

Asking that question and making that shift in what you focus on really helps, even if you may not feel totally like doing it.

So you figure out how you can give someone else value, how you can help someone out.

And thing is that the way you behave and think towards others seems to have a big, big effect on how you behave towards yourself and think about yourself. For example, judge people more and you tend to judge yourself more. Be more kind to other people and help them and you tend to be more kind and helpful to yourself.

A bit counter intuitive perhaps, but that has been my experience. The more you love other people, the more your love yourself.

7. Give yourself a break.

Getting out of a victim mentality can be hard. Some days you will slip. That’s ok. Be ok with that.

And be nice to yourself. If you have to be perfect then one little slip is made into a big problem and may cause you to spiral down into a very negative place for many days.

It is more helpful to just give yourself a break and use the tips above to move yourself into a positive and empowered headspace once again.

It is no secret to those who are close to me that since Dutchy passed away, I am a large open wound. I am not sure I will ever be able to move through it or if I am just going to end up feeling like this open raw wound for the rest of my life. All of the deaths that have happened in my life, human and pet alike have hurt. I know it sounds like I am playing kind of favorites, but that isn’t it. Dutchy was my familiar and more than that it felt like she was a part of me, she was a part of me. 17 years is a long time together and she was the rescue that came into my life as the first animal I had since my dog Scamper had passed away. She was with me through so many major life events that it would be impossible to name them all. When I was crying, she was there, when I was happy she was there. Dutchy was just always there. And now she isn’t and I am having an impossibly hard time with it. But I didn’t start typing this post to go on about that again, although it does have relevance to the main subject. You have to allow people to work through things. Whether it is because they are grieving or trying to wrap their minds around some kind of incident that has happened to them.

We are all human and we all do things and life is life and sometimes shit happens. That’s okay because that is how life works right? I mean you show me one person who has gone through life perfectly and I will eat the laptop I am typing on. Things happen. Here is the thing I feel about it, things will always happen can’t stop it, but it is how we DEAL with those things that matters. I really think you can tell a lot about someone by seeing how they handle situations as they crop up.

There isn’t a black and white, right and wrong way to handle things, we are all different and have to process differently. The one thing to me that comes across as a non negotiable, however is that you have got to try and let others process in their way. I know I am not perfect in that myself, but I always try my level best at it and I am continuing to work and improve at that myself. As of late though I find that I end up being a little less tolerant about it, not because I want to but because a lot of people in my life aren’t allowing ME to process things the way I need to. I know that sounds a bit childish and it is NOT how I expected things to go and I am working on it still but man oh man its just why can’t I process things too?

Lately anytime something crops up that I want to talk about or work through I am told to drop it. I am told that people don’t want to dwell, or let it drag down the whole day or whatever. I am by no means a person who wants to drag down an entire day over an issue, but really? Talking about things, talking through them that is a way for me to process and deal. I talk about things, muddle through them and then I work on letting them go. That is how I work when it comes to processing and healing. Sadly, I am not being allowed to anywhere I turn. I am hit with drop it, I don’t want to talk about it, get over it already and a myriad of other comments that amount to, NOPE.

Two very important people in my life have ripped me to shreds over recent times. They have said sorry sure, but I am still not being allowed to actually work through the problems. Sorry is a good place to start, but if you don’t allow people to work through it and sometimes that means working through it WITH you and TALKING about things that might not be super comfortable are you really all that sorry?

Sorry is a word and it can be a great jumping off point, but it is not a magic bullet. It doesn’t just fix everything. You HAVE to allow people to work through things. If you don’t, it’s just going to end up being a wound that doesn’t heal and it will likely fester and then where will you be?

If you love someone, let them work through it. Let them process, be there for them. Don’t tell them you just want to drop it if the issue is something that is important to them. You never know how much damage something like that will cause.

As always I started this year with that same hopeful outlook that we all get when the new year comes. I was full of determination to keep all my glass balls in the air and everything else. Yet here we are coming up to the end of June and I feel as if I have allowed many of my glass balls to go flying and shattering to the ground. Especially when it comes to blogging. I have been working on one blog post for over a month *laughs* of course there have been some very good reasons as to why I have not gotten that done yet and why some of my glass balls keep shattering.

I have to admit that I simply can’t do everything.

My weekly planner fell apart within weeks of buying my 2017 one and I have not yet gotten around to making the homemade one I wanted to do. There just are not enough hours in the day and I simply don’t have enough energy to do everything I want.

It is very hard to admit that I can’t do it all but here I am admitting it.

I simply can’t do it all. I am doing the best I can and while I am disappointing in some things I am very proud of myself in others. My work continues to grow in so many ways, I am writing pen pals again and taking joy in that among some other things. I am proud of those things and I am trying to remind myself that it’s okay not to do everything perfect. I tell this to my friends and loved ones all the time but of course I tend to hold myself to a higher standard. I am working on that though because recently I have seen some of my loved ones holding me to my own impossible standard. That is a little bit exhausting.

Like everyone else I am a human too. I have my bad days, I have days where I hate myself. I have days where I am very sick and would just like to whine about being sick, eat some ice cream and watch some girly stuff with a girl friend.

I don’t get to do that very often. Honestly I am trying to recall the last time that I did that. I am trying to recall the last time I had a day to be sick where I wasn’t also thrown into the middle of some kind of hell storm.

I love my family. I love them with all of my heart and I would do anything for any one of them. Sometimes I don’t always like them though. Sometimes I want to ring necks and tell people to stop being stupid or selfish or a myriad of other things. What would that fix though? I would end up feeling guilty about it because even if in the moment it was true, it is hurtful. I do my best to not hurt the people I love where I can. Moreover, what is the point of allowing a temporary feeling go on to perhaps have a profound effect on the rest of your life and relationship? Not worth it. Not worth it at all. That isn’t to say I don’t slip up sometimes, I do.

Thankfully and knock on wood 2017 has not taken another beloved fur baby from me. I am however deeply worried that I am about to lose one if not two loved ones. I really hope that feeling creeping over my skin is wrong. I have done everything within my power to ensure I will be wrong, but after the last week I just don’t know. Even more recent events have me even more worried about it. I know that is vague but it’s all I feel comfortable popping out to the public at the moment.

Provided I can sort out the drama currently going on around me, beat the nasty flu which has me fighting high temps off and on and my nagging feeling is indeed wrong… I plan to get regular on the blogging again.

I am as always trying to find that careful balance between work, hobby and passion.

It doesn’t always work out well but hey I can keep trying right?

**Pardon any typos and the like I did not proof read before going ahead and hitting publish. I REALLY need an assistant or something…seriously.

College sports lovers have March Madness me, this year I have May Madness. My blogging has fallen down into the cracks despite my new theme that I adore. I have been saying it every year for the last few years, that I will blog more and do better and something always happens. So I have decided to stop saying that, be kinder to myself and blog when I am able. After all I have to give myself a little bit of leeway, it is not as if I am sitting on my butt doing nothing when I could be blogging. I am a busy working mummy and thus always on the go go go go go. My reading suffers for it as well, though I am learning to enjoy audio books and allowing my kindle to read to me more. I am sure I will have time again one day to read from a hard copy book. I am pondering leaving behind any stationery, crochet stuff ect when I go to Phoenix comic con next weekend and just bring a book. Not sure I will be able to convince myself to leave both of those things behind (the crochet and the stationery that is) LOL but I am at least thinking about it.

May is my birth month and then there are others in my life who also have Birthdays and then this year I decided I just HAD to do a cosplay (typical con stuff too it isn’t and even close to being done probably be finishing it in the hotel room lol), then work has been going gang busters and there just does not seem to be enough hours in in the day.

Slap in some other personal stuff along with some serious pain issues and I am just looking around going gah where did the month go?! Seriously. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with work, although I know I am blessed to be busy, I know I am blessed in general. I feel bad sometimes when I just want to shout about it and tell everything to piss off. I am sure many would want to be in my spot, but we all have those bad days eh? Stress heaped on stress, but I do love my work and my family. Little Creations of Bastet truly is a sweet little shop that is slowly but surely growing. I am rather proud of that and have gotten another wholesale order to fill this month. Lots of work, but something that makes me happy.

In other news so that this May Madness post ends on a happy note. Who is excited for POTC 5 and Wonder Woman?! I KNOW I AM! Fangirl that I am, lol.

Anyone who was on this blog a few years past will know I had a mail counter and one year even sent nearly 1,200 bits of snail mail. While I have not been sending that much mail lately I have still been sending likely more then the average person does these days. Letter writing, using old school instruments like fountain pens and bottled ink have long been a passion of mine. Had I been allowed to have a fountain pen in school I would have. Like all things however, life has an ebb and flow and I just have not had the time for letter writing as much as I wish in the last years. It isn’t only just the time if I am honest, letter writing and using my wonderful fountain pens was something my EX hated. So he made me feel bad about my passion for mail. He even sold most of my best fountain pens, I lament the lost of my vintage Mont Blanc to this day. At least I was able to keep my precious Waterman Carene which was a thoughtful gift from a friend well hidden and it is still one of my favorite pens to use.

In the last few weeks I have felt the nudge to dive back into my passion for hand writing long letters. I have slowly poked around my pens, cleaned them up again. Played with them a little even got a small light box to use to better my penmanship. That slow little nudge turned into a gush when I wrote 10 page letter to one of my long term pals who I have been writing even during the “drought” as I shall now call it. I guess you can say the waterfall is flowing freely again over my writing love. I havent written a letter less then 5 pages and I am actively seeking out new pen pals again. I am very excited about the whole thing if I am honest. There is nervousness too I keep expecting a judgement to come down on me about it. Then I remind myself I have made a point of surrounding myself with people who support my passions even if they don’t share them. People who encourage me and don’t bring me down. We all have our moments of being down and saying something wrong of course but in general I am happy with those who don’t judge me for getting excited because an ink brand just released a new purple ink..even if I already have several purple inks. No two purple inks are the same.

Nor do they chide me for adding to my collections and passions. Sure my “me space” pretty much looks like a craft and stationery story had angry sex … (Deadpool would approve) but it kinda makes me happy. I have over 30 fountain pens again (most of them are Jinhao and similarly reasonable priced work horses but so what) I have taken my stationery out of storage, ordered new wax seals and have even been playing with making my own wax again. It is a nice feeling to just flit from passion to passion and not feel like someone is judging me for it. I have always had an active mind, I have always had interests that range across a spectrum of things. Some of my skills are more ancient and some more recent. Those who know me well know I am just as happy playing a new computer game as I am picking up a roman sword and having a round of fun old sparring. Many people have claimed me already for their team when the Zombie apocalypse comes. Whether that’s for my awesome tracking, slashing or varied other skills or because I can whip up clothing from string or bits of fabric I am not sure, but I will take it. It is nice to feel needed and appreciated even if some of your skills are seen as “odd” in a highly technological society.

I may currently be in a conceal don’t feel cave but I have with my pens, paper, ink and yarn with crochet hooks. So at least I can keep busy while I am tucked in here. There are books of course as well because well I am a book nerd too I mean if you couldn’t tell by my book blog The Purple Booker.

So now after that long winded little rant onto the point of this post. April is National Letter writing month. A whole month dedicated to writing just after the crochet one right?! I am so excited about that entire thought. Since my passion has woken up again I decided April was the perfect time to spread my wings once more and I am taking part in the festivities. There is a campaign taking place called #Write_On and all you have to do is write 30 letters in 30 days. That is my goal this month and while I may not be going gang busters I will meet the goal. Hey my first letter was like 11 pages long cut me a little slack eh? I will make the letters happen!

I have also started taking part in Postcrossing again. All of my post cards have been dragged out of storage and are in a place where I can easily reach them now. No excuse of well I would have to go and dig them out of this and that or the other thing. Every little bit of my stationery has been lined up nice and neat and is very easy to get at. Even if there are a little bits of yarn and such on the shelves with them. What can I say I still adore my darn crochet. So if anyone reading this wants to dive in with me for the month of writing letters sound off and leave a message or send me one. Letters are wonderful to send and wonderful to get. Seriously people really should send more mail, it seems like a lost art but we are out there. Look on instagram for a little bit and you will find a great many beautiful letters being written. You will see them being mailed in so many envelopes, handmade, decorated, plain it doesnt matter to me they are all beautiful. The act of sitting down and writing a letter is something deeper then sending an email, you spend more time and more thought often times. Moreover for me every single letter I write reminds me of my Great Grandmother and that is never a bad thing, it is a way she can always stay with me and close and alive in my heart.

 

Okay, the title may confuse some of those who know me, trust me that is not how I actually feel. Sadly, I did something that you should never do….. I “interneted”. Having a brain that would not calm down enough for me to even focus on a single thing on my to do list that I should be doing, no my brain was having too much fun thinking of new things for me to do.

Normally random Google searches for me are fairly safe. I look up photos of art, cats or things that might go along with the inspiration my brain is having. This time it seemed simple enough, safe enough once more looking at a very favorite topic, fun and different takes on Elsa. Oh, sometimes I really should learn not to click.

An article topic popped up along with a photo about a sexy moment that everyone missed from the movie. I personally found there to be a few, but not missed, just typical Disney over kids’ heads there for the adults items. Especially during the big crescendo moment of Elsa becoming her own Queen. I really, really should not have clicked.

The link took me to a Huff Post article (yes first sign I should not have clicked), it was of course by now several years old 2014 but hey it would kill some time to read it. I am face palming myself as I write this now. If you are interested in reading the article yourself (I beg you not to click but in the interest of fully showing and sourcing) you can read it here. I am going to make it fast and just quote the part that has me face palming the hardest.

At the song’s emotional climax, as Elsa is about to see the sun rise for the first time from the balcony of her new crystal palace, she suddenly sees fit to express her freshly unleashed power by giving herself… a magical makeover. “Let it go/ Let it go/ That perfect girl is gone,” she declares as she ditches her old look (a modest dark-green dress and purple cloak, hair in a neatly tucked-up braid) for one that’s arguably even more “perfect.” By the time she sashays out onto that balcony to greet the dawn, Elsa is clad in a slinky, slit-to-the-thigh dress with a transparent snowflake-patterned train and a pair of silver-white high heels, her braid shaken loose and switched over one shoulder in what’s subtly, but unmistakably, a gesture of come-hither bad-girl seduction.

Now. I am not saying that all movies for children should be ideologically scrubbed clean of any hint of sexuality. Nor am I immune to the fantasy—one that’s surely not limited only to women—of vanquishing one’s demons and tapping one’s reserves of inner courage while also looking like a million bucks. But I know I’m not the only one who feels a familiar sense of deflation every time that pulse-racing song (delivered so gloriously by Menzel) culminates in a vision of female self-actualization as narrow and horizon-diminishing as a makeover. It’s a moment I recognize from too many movies in my own childhood—Grease was one, The Breakfast Club another—in which the “good girl” goes over to “the bad side” thanks to a quick cosmetic fix-up (Olivia Newton-John’s big slutty perm and skintight black pants! Ally Sheedy’s tragic de-Goth-ification at the hands of Molly Ringwald!). These moments always bugged me as a kid, because they seemed to be last-minute reversals of the foregoing movie’s message, which was that the character in question (Newton-John’s virginal Sandy, Sheedy’s glumly eccentric Allison) was fine just the way she was. To be sure, Elsa’s conversion into a glammed-out ice diva does differ in important ways from those earlier onscreen makeovers—for one thing, her transformation isn’t meant to impress any specific suitor, and in fact Elsa (unlike her younger sister, Anna) ends the movie without a romantic prospect on the horizon.

 

I just….I mean….seriously? WHY?! She is all ,outraged about a makeover? Moreover, she seems to think that just because a woman owns her own sexuality, her own beauty and does something just for HERSELF that she is being a “bad girl”. Since when did embracing your own sexuality become the same thing as a bad girl? Sadly, I know the answer to that is a long time ago. Just as she pointed out, the good sweet little “virginal” stereotype is alive and well in movies and TV. So of course, a woman who has less tidy hair and a stunning gown that is indeed also sensual and sexy, well of course she is a BAD girl. I mean come on here.

Elsa at a very young age was taught to be afraid of her power to be afraid of who she was literally. She was told to conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them see. Bad parenting award there by the way, even if it was born out of their own fear and misunderstanding. There have been some great debates over the parallels of what Elsa’s power is being shown to be. The obvious on screen power, of course, is her magical abilities, but many have also drawn parallel lines between that and her sexuality, that she is forced to hide her beauty and sensuality ect. There are a lot of other parallels and all I am going to say is well done for those who see those ones. The moment when she runs away because of her own anxiety and fear having come out and the people being afraid of her is heartbreaking. It is also what happens when you are told to hide who you are, you become afraid of yourself. So that moment when she finally embraces it and also gives herself a makeover into what SHE wants to be. Yeah, it is sexier and less buttoned up there are more parallels there you know. Elsa is not doing this for anyone but herself. Elsa is not doing this for a man like Sandy did in Grease, Elsa is embracing her own power and who she is as a woman as a Queen.

This writer and I use the term loosely is trying to rag on one stereotype while happily trotting along with another one and frankly it chaps my rear end. I know I shouldn’t get so concerned about it, the post is from years ago and doesn’t actually hurt me any but yeah I am just seeing red. Sexuality and sensuousness a woman with her own power and strength of will and sensuousness should NOT be seen as a BAD girl. She is a strong woman who is not afraid of ALL of her powers.

Now, do I think it is a great thing for young girls to be rolling their hips seductively. Well, no I don’t think it is the best thing in the world. HOWEVER, scolding them and teaching them to hide it is not the right answer. If they are young it can be presented in a way to them about needing to be older to move like that, or something along those lines. Older girls should be able to be talked to rationally about it. We should NOT teach our Daughters to be afraid of who they are in any fashion and that includes embracing their womanliness, their hips, the sway all of it.

I am sure some who read this will be going, well now if our girls act like this they are asking to be raped, or asking for trouble. I refuse to live in that kind of fear. I know that society is terrible about sexual harassment and rape, you really don’t need to tell me about that. Once more I say, however, teaching girls that the way to avoid these things is to hide their sexuality is only perpetuating the damned problem. It is NOT a girl or woman’s fault when she is sexually assaulted. It is also not a boy or mans fault when he is. Society needs to chuck that crap out of the window and lay down one simple firm line. Sexual harassment or assault is the fault of the perpetrator NOT the victim. Women should never have to get that, well if you didn’t wear that or if you didn’t drink this or didn’t do that or whatever speel. I know I am guilty of falling into some of those things I have been taught by society, but I am working HARD to break free from them and I will not teach it to the next generation if I can help it. This is not Utopia so of course common sense should be applied, but we need to stop victim blaming. I don’t care if a woman is walking stark naked down the center of the road, that doesn’t mean you get to touch her and that she is asking for it.

Moreover, we need to teach our boys not only the right way to act, the right way to treat a woman and No means No but that they too can be hurt. Everyone knows that the numbers of how many women who report sexual assault is appallingly low, but have you looked at the statistics for men? Did you know that 1 out of every 10 rape victims is male? Did you know studies have shown that 90-95% of male rape victims don’t report it? That is compared to the 85-90% of women who don’t report, lets face it is is not much better, but I suspect the number for men is closer to 98-99%.

So, yeah, maybe Elsa let loose and became a little bit sexier embracing who she was. What is so wrong with that? She is an adult and while yes, it is a kids movie, it isn’t like she stripped down naked and started finding every man she could to have fun with. Not that I personally think there is anything wrong with that either, just not in a children’s film. Women like the one who wrote this article are part of the problem not the solution. It is reading crud like that which makes me sad and ever more fearful for society.’

*Takes a Queenly step off her soap box*

Sorry about the long winded rant, but I had to get it off my chest. Right, time to let it go.

 

Yeah, see what I did there 😉 always good to end on a light note.

** This soap box moment that jumps around a bit within the topic brought to you by sleep deprivation and stress. Check back for next weeks edition. **

 

I am NO MAN!

Suffering from chronic pain is not something I would wish on anyone. Well okay maybe one or two people but I always remember what we do can come back on us three fold. In my life there have been those who do not understand chronic pain. I am lucky enough to have cut most of them from my life (for other issues then just that) but it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard for others in my life to understand. Chronic pain is not like other pains, it can’t be seen and you can’t point to some scar, or cast or something to explain the pain. This is why many don’t understand it. You either get those who tell you to get over it, or those who treat you as though your an invalid and may break any second. Neither is fun. For years I have tried to find a way to point out to others how chronic pain feels to me and how I manage to still manage to solider on as best as I can with it. As good as I can be with words this is something I have failed at. So I was very happy to find this come across one of my online feeds. An open letter from a person with chronic pain. This explains things better then I ever could. I am going to post here as a quote but I am also linking my SOURCE for this letter right here.

Open letter from a person with chronic pain

Having chronic pain means many things change, and a lot of the changes are invisible.

Unlike having cancer or being hurt in an accident, most people do not understand chronic pain and its effects, and of those that think they know, many are actually misinformed. In the spirit of informing those who wish to understand: These are the things that I would like you to understand about me before you judge me.

Please understand that being sick doesn’t mean I’m not still a human being. I have to spend most of my day in considerable pain and exhaustion, and if you visit, sometimes I probably don’t seem like much fun to be with, but I’m still me, stuck inside this body. I still worry about work, my family, my friends, and most of the time, I’d still like to hear you talk about yours, too.

Please understand the difference between “happy” and “healthy.” When you’ve got the flu you probably feel miserable with it, but I’ve been sick for years. I can’t be miserable all the time. In fact, I work hard at not being miserable. So, if you’re talking to me and I sound happy, it means I’m happy. That’s all. It doesn’t mean that I’m not in a lot of pain, or not extremely tired, or that I’m getting better, or any of those things. Please don’t say, “Oh, you’re sounding better!” or “But you look so healthy!” I am merely coping. I am sounding happy and trying to look normal. If you want to comment on that, you’re welcome to.

Please understand that being able to stand up for 10 minutes doesn’t necessarily mean that I can stand up for 20 minutes, or an hour. Just because I managed to stand up for 30 minutes yesterday doesn’t mean that I can do the same today. With a lot of diseases you’re either paralyzed, or you can’t move. With this one, it gets more confusing every day. It can be like a yo-yo. I never know from day to day how I am going to feel when I wake up. In most cases, I never know from minute to minute. That is one of the hardest and most frustrating components of chronic pain.
Please repeat the above paragraph substituting “sitting,” “walking,” “thinking,” “concentrating,” “being sociable,” and so on; it applies to everything. That’s what chronic pain does to you.

Please understand that chronic pain is variable. It’s quite possible (and for many, it’s common) that one day I am able to walk to the park and back, while the next day I’ll have trouble getting to the next room. Please don’t attack me when I’m ill by saying, “But you did it before!” or “Oh, come on, I know you can do this!” If you want me to do something, then ask if I can. In a similar vein, I may need to cancel a previous commitment at the last minute. If this happens, please do not take it personally. If you are able to, please try to always remember how very lucky you are, to be physically able to do all of the things that you can do.

Please understand that “getting out and doing things” does not make me feel better, and can often make me seriously worse. You don’t know what I go through or how I suffer in my own private time. Telling me that I need to exercise or do some things to “get my mind off of it” may frustrate me to tears, and is not correct. If I was capable of doing some things any or all of the time, don’t you know that I would? I am working with my doctors and I am doing what I am supposed to do. Another statement that hurts is, “You just need to push yourself more, try harder.” Obviously, chronic pain can affect the whole body, or be localized to specific areas. Sometimes participating in a single activity for a short or a long period of time can cause more damage and physical pain than you could ever imagine. Not to mention the recovery time, which can be intense. You can’t always read it on my face or in my body language. Also, chronic pain may cause secondary depression (wouldn’t you get depressed and down if you were hurting constantly for months or years?), but it is not created by depression.

Please understand that if I say I have to sit down, lie down, stay in bed, or take these pills now, that probably means that I do have to do it right now, it can’t be put off or forgotten just because I’m somewhere, or I’m right in the middle of doing something. Chronic pain does not forgive, nor does it wait for anyone.
If you want to suggest a cure to me, please don’t. It’s not because I don’t appreciate the thought, and it’s not because I don’t want to get well. Lord knows that isn’t true. In all likelihood, if you’ve heard of it or tried it, so have I. In some cases, I have been made sicker, not better. This can involve side effects or allergic reactions, as is the case with herbal remedies. It also includes failure, which in and of itself can make me feel even lower. If there were something that cured, or even helped people with my form of chronic pain, then we’d know about it. There is worldwide networking (both on and off the Internet) between people with chronic pain. If something worked, we would KNOW. It’s definitely not for lack of trying. If, after reading this, you still feel the need to suggest a cure, then so be it. I may take what you said and discuss it with my doctor.

If I seem touchy, it’s probably because I am. It’s not how I try to be. As a matter of fact, I try very hard to be normal. I hope you will try to understand. I have been, and am still, going through a lot. Chronic pain is hard for you to understand unless you have had it. It wreaks havoc on the body and the mind. It is exhausting and exasperating. Almost all the time, I know that I am doing my best to cope with this, and live my life to the best of my ability. I ask you to bear with me, and accept me as I am. I know that you cannot literally understand my situation unless you have been in my shoes, but as much as is possible, I am asking you to try to be understanding in general.

In many ways I depend on you, people who are not sick. I need you to visit me when I am too sick to go out. Sometimes I need you help me with the shopping, the cooking, or the cleaning. I may need you to take me to the doctor or to the store. You are my link to the “normalcy” of life. You can help me to keep in touch with the parts of life that I miss and fully intend to undertake again, just as soon as I am able.

I know that I asked a lot from you, and I do thank you for listening. It really does mean a lot.

I can’t help but wonder if this is what a nervous breakdown looks like. I have been stressed for a long while now. I am one of those people who is very good at hiding things to the general people and just saying I am fine and moving on. But, everything has a breaking point right? I mean, even the strongest of substances will eventually break down, even if it is just because the passage of time running over you. I have had joyous moments don’t get me wrong, and some of the things stressing me, I wouldn’t change for a thing because they also bring me joy. Other things, however well other things I would change. I just read an article after a particularly bad hour (oh, I will get to that) that says 7 signs you might be headed towards a nervous breakdown. I ticked 6 out of the 7 boxes. I would say that is a pretty damn high number of things. Looking at how little I have been blogging lately and even the 3 different drafts I started on this blog and haven’t bothered to finish up and post. Sad right?

Maybe it is just the holidays catching up with me (I am really not a fan of this time of year, even though I try), maybe it is because I know I won’t get my gifts ready in time and they will be late this year for some. Maybe it is the state of the world, maybe it is because I pretty much work non stop and maybe it is just all of it combined. But I seriously would like to either sit in the middle of the floor and scream or climb into bed for a week and sleep or maybe both. Seems like a good idea to me.

So after another trying day of the usual I then again had to shoulder the bulk of a friend’s mental illness. Now don’t get me wrong, I am a friend and I am someone who will bend over backwards and break for my friends. I don’t want it to seem like I am some uncaring beotch. But it is very trying when you are always the one shouldering the problems for people and you never get a chance to use their shoulders in return. I don’t want a pity party, but more often than not I am the one who shoulders it all and gets crushed into the mud while those who take take take and heave their burden upon me don’t offer a hand to help me up from the mud they have crushed me in.

I have openly told those who keep heaping on my shoulders that I don’t want to sound selfish, but I am hitting a wall where I can’t shoulder anymore. I need to deal with my own anxiety and problems for a little bit and it would be nice if I got some help from them as I have given them. It feels as if it is falling upon deaf ears. Especially today.

Another long dealing with another persons mental illness as I stand there trying to reel in my own anxiety, my own issues and trouble that I have been having. Once everything has been off loaded the other party goes dark, locked away in a bubble where I don’t hear from them unless there is something else wrong for me to fix. Safe and sound and warm and totally unaware as I suffocate in the mud their problems and my problems have shoved me down into.

The course of events that happened, aren’t overly terrible they aren’t even out of the ordinary for me in the course of a day. But, I have been sobbing about it for 2 hours and still am even as I type this post out. I am not sure why I am making the post and if I may not even post it, but writing can often times help me find my center again, to gather the shreds of myself up enough to carry on behind the mask of I am fine. Because even if I am not fine, everyone else has bigger problems than me and I have to turn my shoulders again for them to use. Taurus the bull is my zodiac sign, loyal, loving, stubborn yes too.. and a beast of burden it can often feel like.

As I sat down trying to finish a crochet order so I could move on to finishing crochet Christmas presents when my beautiful Senior cat Dutchy demanded to be fed. This is not a new thing and I happily feed her. For the last 4 years she has been on a wet food only diet as first her gums and then her teeth got too sensitive for kibble. I do not mind feeding her, even when she is yelling at me 16 years old, she is my beautiful girl, part of my strength I would do anything for her. Sadly, this time her yelling is what set off events.

I collected the usual horde of followers that comes along when they know she is being fed and kicked them out. Fed my sweet girl and headed back to work on the project I NEED to finish while she ate. Alas, that was not to be. As soon as my rear end hit the bed, Cubby bless his sweet heart had what we gently call a Cubpocolypse moment. Cubby has IBS, hyperthyroid, a food allergy and frankly he just likes to eat things he isn’t supposed to, no matter how hard I try to keep him out of them he sometimes gets sneaky. So as he tried to sleep, a stinky explosion happened. Not an unusual thing that happens either. The smell was horrid as usual, but hey, at least this time it wasn’t on me! I get covered on a regular basis as he loves to sleep on me and I would never tell him not to. It is not his fault it happens, I know he feels embarrassed when it happens and who would really choose to fall asleep and then wake up covered in crap.

I couldn’t find my usual tools for clean up which started a bit of ocd shaking (yeah, I am getting some ocd habits that I am not a fan of now. Bully for me more issues) and as I looked for them the dogs nicely reminded me I was overdue for their dinner. I did a quick partial clean up of the mess and gathered up the dog bowls to get meals. I couldn’t find their winter time stew portions in the fridge and assumed there wasn’t some out for thawing luckily I keep a few nice cans when we get free cans for buying food in a stash for such occasions. I look down as I am about to scoop kibble..and one of the cats thought it was funny to pee in Olly’s dish. Fair enough, so I washed that.

Finally the food was in the bowls and all nice and mixed up. I headed back to give the dogs their dinner and add a benadryl in (last gasp of winter pollen of some kind has made Olly and Diva break out in hives) and as soon as i set the bowls down I look up and beautiful white kitty Kirk…. has two large patches of liquid explosion of Cubby fashion on him. This made me give a bit of a shout of oh for F’s sake. I mean, seriously, who wouldn’t right, I mean seriously?

Olly is sensitive and this yell made him run off away from his dinner where he then proceeded to do a nervous circuit of the house before sitting on the couch and shaking. I have to gather up his bowl so nobody else, including cat family tries to eat it, grab Kirk, who smells and is covered in poo and fetch a towel so I can wash him a bit. Yeah, you can imagine that went about as well as it sounds. I admit, I do confess I lost my temper with Olly as he circled around and around and around nearly tripping me. It is not his fault. I love Olly and I know he is a sensitive soul, who had a terrible first year of his life before getting to us and most days his nervous ticks and things don’t phase me. He is a very empathetic dog and he was only picking up on my energy right now. But breaking point was there and I yelled oh for God sake Olly stop running around and eat your dinner. That of course did nothing to help him. Nothing to help me either, I still feel guilty as sin for yelling at him. He didn’t stop or want his dinner, so I proceeded to the kitchen to wash Kirk. Why not the bathroom? Remember that is where Dutchy is having her meal. You open that door and the hun’s rush in. Safer to go to the kitchen.

Kirky is a beautiful and wonderful boy. Patient and cute as a button. He is however also a cat. I have yet to have a cat that actually LIKES a bath. Kirky is no exception. The second the water hit his tail it was like he was a savage wildcat and after I got scratched and bit he ran away. Typical right? Olly started circling faster. I rounded Kirky up again, got him cleaned off. Finally got Olly to stop running in a circle and eat his dinner. Then sit down and have a nice big cry, which hasn’t stopped. I still have to finish changing the bed from the mess that got spewed all over it. But I am frozen. I can’t make myself do it. I can’t make the leaking stop from my eyeballs and I can’t make myself finish what I need to do. Change the sheets and crochet a stinking sock. The only thing I could summon up the focus for was to write this post.

I really think this might be what a nervous breakdown looks like. I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit. Can anyone take it away, please? Also, please pass me some super glue so I can get back to putting myself together and saying I am fine.

Besides.. with perfect timing as always..someone has just asked me to come pick them up.

I’m fine.

You have to love when clients as a freelance writer try to haggle with you. It is not the haggle that so much is a problem, but it is often how they do it. They will make it seem like they have OH so many offers to go through, and well many have lower prices so are you really that firm. Maybe they do have lots of offers and maybe some of them are for less money. However, often times when dealing with writing you get what you pay for.

This is probably just a bunch of prattle for most who are reading this. I know there are those who will understand it though. Those who have been a freelance writer and can’t help but sit and sigh or even laugh at the amounts that are sometimes offered to you. Just for giggles a couple I have had over the time include:

$20 for 30,000 words and illustrations (I am not an illustrator)
$10 for 20,000 words
$5 for 8,000 words plus a variety of other weird things

Now these are just some of the low ball offers. They of course also wanted each item to be perfect in grammar and formatted and everything else. It is utterly laughable that they thought they could get these prices, sadly there was likely someone, somewhere who did it because they really needed the money. I wish I could say they just got laughed at and the work wasn’t done. Sadly, reality says they likely did get it done, maybe not all of them. The part I do have a good giggle about however, is the fact that the work they did get for that price was likely not very good.

Most writers in freelance world offer VERY reasonable rates, many in fact are more than reasonable to be competitive in the market place. The going rate on most big platforms these days seems to be $1 per 100 words, that is more than reasonable because that is not the going rate outside of these platforms. Yet still you get some who want more work for less. It gets even funnier when they are the one who approach you, knowing your rates and then try to hawk you down by saying, “Well, I have so many other applicants.” writers need to learn to say, okay I hope they work out for you.

Freelance writers need to start demanding they get paid fairly for their work. At the very least that they get paid the rate they have clearly listed if you come to them. If all freelancers would stick together on this, the ball would be in their court. We would see less low balling and clients would eventually have to buckle and pay fair or not have work done.

This little ramble, rant brought to you by.. hearing a story from a friend about being low balled yet again by prospective clients.

I am just putting this Meme up to say hey I posted something on my poor neglected blog. Something I seem to say a lot lately, but I will find my way again. To be honest I have not felt the joy I used to when I blogged, but I am trying. I am working on other projects as well and just in general working on getting things to where I can feel passionate again. For now however just this humble little meme. Be Kind to one another.