I have really been such a bad blogger already this year. Pretty much every goal I set out at the start of the year has fallen away but that is what happens when you are dealing with life right? Be it hectic work schedule, the need to be creative away from the computer or anxiety attacking you from all sides what can you do?

The first thing I am doing is forgiving myself and allowing myself some leeway. I tend to be very hard on myself especially when it comes to goals that I miss. I am trying to get better about that because while I may fail at some goals, I am soaring at other things. Yes I may not be blogging as much or reading as much, but I am crocheting up a storm and writing in other places. Being a Mummy and all of that.

I have to accept as much as I would like there to be more time in the day there is only 24 hours and I must find a place to sleep somewhere in everything I am doing. Right?

So I am trying to be gentle with myself and accept that I just can’t do everything even if I want to. May seem like a simple concept but when you have general and social anxiety it is not as simple as it seems.

And I hate having anxiety. I am however endeavoring to be kinder to myself. That is one goal I have no intention of leaving by the wayside.

I am also working hard on taking back things that my long emotionally abusive marriage took away from me.

Emotional abuse is something that is harder to see then physical abuse. It is something that is more subtle and there are many who still think it is not a form of abuse at all. Or that those who fall into that trap are weak.

Victims of any form of abuse are not weak. I know I have always been a strong and independent person and it still happened to me. I think one of the big reasons emotional abuse is so misunderstood is because people do not know what to look for as a sign of it and while this list is certainly not one size fits all the following 30 things are pretty good indicators of emotional abuse. Especially when you see more then one of them happening. If you or someone you know is dealing with this do not be afraid to seek help. Don’t be ashamed it is not your fault someone is doing this to you, but you can break away. You can do it. You can heal and take your life back. It is possible.

1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.

2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

5. They try to control you and treat you like a child.

6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.

7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money.

9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.

11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.

12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.

14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.

17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.

20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.

23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.

26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.

28. They share personal information about you with others.

29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.

17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.

20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.

23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.

26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.

28. They share personal information about you with others.

29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

I think some of those who are emotionally abusive do not see what they are doing, they perhaps have a great deal of their own issues which have never been dealt with in a healthy way and so they act out in this way. While others like my ex know exactly what they are doing, have done it more then once and will likely do it again.

I mean the man was married twice before me (yup I was number 3), cheated on all three but always blamed the woman for his cheating or for why things didn’t work out. Only common factor was him. Wife number 4 is not likely to fair any better, after all if they are willing to cheat with you they will cheat on you. Had I known about the cheating on the first two wives before me I never would have gone past the first few dates because that was already a well established pattern of behavior on his end. Hindsight is 20/20 right?

My life is better now without him. While I may have my issues I have a lot to be happy for and I am. I just have to keep reminding myself that when a goal passes me by, to be kind to myself. It happens. Then take a moment to look not at what didn’t get done but everything else that has been accomplished. Life & blogging are important to me meaning my Life is important to me and my blogging is important to me. So are many other things. I can find a way to make it all work hand in hand.

I have not done much blogging for a while. Either here or my book blog. While that goes against my goals for the year I don’t think it matters all that much because of the reason for it. My beloved rescue dog Watson was sick for sometime. He seemed to rebound for sometime but then he took a turn for the worse. The end diagnosis was Bile Duct Cancer. A very aggressive and hard to deal with cancer in dogs. It rarely if ever ends well. Watson held on as long as he could. He was such a good boy. Never complained about a thing and just wanted to spend time with his Mama and cuddle.

Eventually though a choice had to be made. As long as he was not in pain or suffering I was content to spend as much time with my boy as I could. Cuddling him, loving him and cherishing him. I knew he would not be with us much longer and I wished to make every moment he was count. The time got closer, he was telling me he was about done fighting. Bless him I could even tell he felt bad about that as well. He was the kind of sweet boy who never wanted to trouble anyone at all. Then last Thursday he was showing signs of discomfort and pain. That was the last sign and the final choice was made. Within an hour of his first signs of discomfort we said our last tearful goodbyes. The way to the vet he was cuddled in his favorite blanket and we road with the top down in the car. Watson loved the top being down and the weather had come out for him perfectly nice for it. People smiled at him from their cars, one man said he looked very happy. There was a large group of people on bicycle’s waved at him as we drove past. It made me smile and cry at the same time.

When it came time. I stroked his ears like he enjoyed and I looked into his eyes. I could not hold back my tears even though I knew he never liked to see me cry. But I told him what a good boy he was, how much I loved him and that I would see him again. That he could rest now and not to worry Mommy would be okay. I would miss him but I knew I would see him again. He went quickly and peacefully in my arms.

I miss him. My Watson with his spotty dotty ear. He was a good boy. A gentleman always, we called him the Tom Hiddleston of dogs. It was perhaps the most apt thing we could say about his sweet personality. The house and pack as a whole was changed. A heavy energy hung over all of us and my sweet girl lost her spark. She missed her bubby. Trying to do everything to make her happier again we were doing car rides every day, little errands but she loves car rides. We finally made a choice to take two big bags of dog food down to the shelter where we got Watson and donate them in his name. That was the only intention that we went with.

Then there was a nudge. A little push a feeling, to go look in the kennels. I follow such feelings and so I went. Many sweet babies were looking for homes. To help my sweet girl to perk up a bit we did a meet and greet with a lovely friendly boy named Caesar. She perked up and had fun running and playing and yet nothing clicked or tugged and Caesar failed the cat room test. He was a good dog a sweet boy but not everyone is meant to live with kitties.

Then there was a whisper about a boy that might fit, a boy who was never noticed by anyone he was not doing well in the situation of being in a kennel. A boy who was used as a bait dog and had been in terrible condition when he was found. There was that little push. I agreed to meet him. There he was in the same kennel my Watson had been in. Folded in on himself, a cone of shame from his neuter on his head. He didn’t even want to come to greet me at the kennel door. A broken soul who had given up. Another little push.

This lovely boy was brought out (without his cone) to meet with my girl. She lit up. That spark was back in her eyes and she was wiggling all over the meeting area. Then a tentative little wag from the broken boys tail. Accepting pets from my hand. A tentative smile and then he looked into my eyes. This beautiful soul wanted to trust, to love to know what love was. He was scared but in those Amber eyes there was a desire and a want to feel like he could trust a person again. Another little push.

Olly has been with us for two days now. Already he is starting to blossom. He is learning to trust, to love we see him smile and wag his tail. Things that are perfectly normal for a dog, but for a dog who has had the start to life that Olly has had these are milestones. Wonderful milestones. He sleeps with me or with my girl, cuddled bonded part of the pack. He had his first trip to the dog park today and he came alive. He ran, he played, he wagged his tail, he greeted both dogs and people.

Olly still has a road to travel. You can see the scars on his face and legs still, he still needs to gain weight and the scars of the soul will take time to heal as well. But they will all heal. He will thrive and get better. My girl did, my Watson did and he will too. Thank you Watson for leading me to this boy who needed my help. Thank you Watson for helping to lift your Mummy’s heavy heart a little bit. Thank you Watson for making the energy in the house feel right again by this.

I miss you my boy but you have given of yourself again to make sure that life continues.

Here we go the 2016 goal post. Yes I know it has taken me nearly all month to get this post up but oh well. Yes I am trying not to beat myself up about these kind of things these days it is much less stressful that way and lowering the stress is one of the big goals of the year.

So here we go. Being slightly OCD I have separated goals into categories the first one is the crochet goal category. I would like to make a crochet copy of this stunning shawl and I know it will take a great deal of time and energy especially because there does not appear to be a crochet version anywhere, it is called the Dream Bird. Is it not beautiful? This is one pattern out of a small handful that has made me want to learn how to knit. I would ask one of my Knit night buddies to make it for me but I think it is to labor intensive to do that so I am going to study and stare and then try to make a crochet version myself.

The second yarn related goal of the year is to actually make some items for myself. I very rarely do that. I think out of all the many items I have made since I started crocheting I have only kept 3 things for myself. So this year I will make myself a few more items.

Next set of goals is for reading and letter writing. I just need to do them more. I get so wound up in work and doing other things related to work and Momhood that I just lose myself in crochet and forget about the other things that I do enjoy until I feel guilty about not doing them. The guilt happens often. I should not feel guilty about tasks I enjoy, so that is on the list.

Finally I have a goal to just actually relax a bit more often then I currently do. Relaxing is hard for me. My mind is usually going a million miles an hour and when I sit down to do nothing but relax all I want to do is calm the mind by doing a couple of other things that I feel I should be doing. So yes, time to try to relax a bit more. Have a fire and sit by it things like that.

I saw this today while I was looking at my FB feed a friend posted it. Such a very true statement and something all of us have to work on. Happiness is something we all want and we really need to be pro active about our Happiness.

Ask any of my friends and family members and they will tell you I am not the greatest fan of 50 shades of grey. That said I applaud the book for one thing, it has opened dialogue for alternative relationships. Granted the dialogue for most things related to 50 shades of grey is negative but it is dialogue and sometimes the hardest thing to do is start the conversation.

Conventional marriage is not the path for everyone. Sure it is great and works for many people but there are other people who it just does not work for. The sad thing is that there is a great deal of judgement around those who are in relationships that are not seen as “standard”. We saw a big break down of that in the US this week with marriage equality being passed but even same sex marriage is pretty standard compared to what other relationships are out there.

Seriously, try it some time and when someone asks your relationship status tell them you are in an Open relationship or a Triad..and see what the looks you get are. For those reading who don’t know here are the definitions.

Open relationship/marriage: An open relationship is an interpersonal relationship in which the parties want to be together but agree to a form of a non-monogamous relationship. This means that they agree that a romantic or intimate relationship with another person is accepted, permitted, or tolerated. Generally, an open relationship is when the parties involved have two or more romantic or sexual relationships occurring at the same time either as a short-term relationship, such as dating, or a long-term relationship, such as marriage. The concept of an open relationship has been recognized since the 1970s.

Triad: A form of Polyamory involving three partners. This can be any mixing of the genders.

Yeah if you say something like that to most people you will be looked at as if you have more then one head on your body. Worse you will often be judged. That is not always the case of course, some people will ask how it works and all of that. To those who are thinking that while reading this the simple answer is There have to be Rules, a firm set of rules that are set in place firmly and that are agreed to and followed by all of the partners involved.

So there you have the ramblings and thoughts of a mind at 5am after no sleep. Thanks for a bit of drivel for at least starting the conversation. Even if the start of that conversation starts out that Grey is an abusive A-hole. No arguments cause guess what, he is and while some aspects of the BDSM shown there are correct most of them are not especially when taken in from his POV.Real Dom’s act in a very adult manner and have perfect control of themselves, where he doesn’t.

Carry on with your regularly scheduled day.

With as busy as I have been with work I just have to finally admit to myself and my blog readers that Saturday Sanctuary has to go on hold for a little while. I will try to bring it back in August hopefully things will slow down a bit then.

I love my work and I love what I get to do. However, with as busy as I have been I get done with my work and just want to lay down and relax and do some crochet. I don’t want to do much more writing. Sad thing is I also have not been much into reading lately so I am far behind on my reading challenge for the year. I might get to catch up eventually. Maybe.

Crochet.

Crochet is what makes me happy right now yes it is.

I watched Greys when it first came on and I stuck with it for the first three seasons. Then I stopped watching it for a while. Well thanks to Netflix I have recently been catching up on it. For the most part I have enjoyed it but I just finished watching the episode where Owen confesses he cheated on her.

Seriously? I liked Owen. I really did like Owen a lot. Now I just want to smack him. Dead to me. I get that Cristina is a difficult woman. Guess what dude, you knew that going in! Not to mention the fact that he is being a complete and utter douche about a woman’s right to choose. He knew Cristina did not want kids he knew it. An accident happened and then he went with her he went with her and held her hand. Then all those months later he starts holding it against her? SERIOUSLY? Then after all that blow up he cheats on her.

He says “it was just sex.” yeah cause that makes it better.

I know I am way behind and I know bigger things are coming up in the coming seasons. This one just bugs me. It really bugs me. Owen was my favorite character. A military man, loyal, good, strong, brave. Sure he has his issues too but he worked on them and so did she. Thank you Shonda Rimes for utterly killing my favorite character.

I will still watch Greys Anatomy of course. Still going but oh it is making me mad. I liked Owen. Now I don’t like him. At all. Be a man dude if you are going to step out on your marriage get a divorce first. Seriously never an excuse for cheating. Yes I know plenty of other characters on this show have cheated and guess what not a fan of most of them. Guess I go back to not liking anyone.

Ah thanks blog for letting me get it off my chest.

Can we just take a moment to say how awesome this is? 15 years old folks and more mature then a lot of men I know in this world.  Menstruation is not a shameful thing it is natural and what we women have to deal with like it or not. Seeing this young man step  up like this is a wonderful thing.

I remember many times in High school (oh so long ago now) when I had an overflow or my period showed up well before I expected it and the terror involved with such a thing. It is not fun, it is embarrassing and you put all of that on top of already not feeling well. Your gal pals understood but guys..usually laughed or made a face about how gross it was. I salute you young man it is such a simple thing but so meaningful.

This is a case of parenting you are doing it right because this young man has certainly been raised right. Need more men like this in the world! Real men support women!

 

Article Source

He took a selfie with pads and tampons, but it wasn’t a prank. Now the image is inspiring an entire generation of men to support their female friends in a practical yet important way.

Two months ago, 15-year-old Jose Angel Garcia posted this unusual selfie on Instagram.

Source: falloutbooty99

The caption read: “TO EVERY BOY THAT FOLLOWS ME AND CALLS HIMSELF A MAN OR SIMPLY A GOOD HUMAN BEING. Petition for all of us to start bringing a couple pads or tampons to school to help our girl friends.”

Most 10th grade boys (and plenty of much older ones) treat menstruation like a repulsive disease. They wouldn’t be caught dead holding a tampon, and I’ve yet to meet one who could resist a wisecrack about PMS. Not Jose.

Source: falloutbooty99

“I actually had started carrying tampons and pads in my bag because my girl friends often had to improvise with amusing (but not-so-sanitary) ways to stop themselves from leaking,” he told Buzzfeed.

Source: falloutbooty99

Then, he posted the maxi-pad selfie with the hashtag #realmensupportwomen as a call to action to other high-school boys.

“If you have a girlfriend or are friends with a girl, u should know that they do not always have tampons or pads on them, or that sometimes their period just hits them without notice and have a bit of a problem finding one. We should support them with this, after all, we don’t have to go trough all they they do because of menstruation, so it’s just logical that we help them. You should already know to give them your sweater and not question when they wrap it around their waist. So let’s step it up a notch and help them out. IF YOU HAVE ANY RESPECT FOR YOUR MOTHER, YOUR GIRLFRIEND, OR JUST WOMEN IN GENERAL I EXPECT FOR YOU TO FOLLOW ME ON THIS.

To every girl that follows me. You are completely welcomed to ask me for a pad at any time without receiving a negative response or a dirty look. We should all help each other out like this so you don’t have to thank me at all.”

What started as a simple challenge to his friends has now become a worldwide campaign.

Source: ubykotex

Boys everywhere are “manning up” and showing their support for female friends and family.

Source: akirawoei

And yes, even buying pads and tampons so that they’re ready when Aunt Flo comes to visit someone they care about.

Source: terence730

Source: — ZebraCamouflage. (@zebracamouflage)

Source: — jazzyfizzle (@lightskinthots)

Source: — Zach Nathan (@zach_nathan)

Jose is encouraged by all the support, and humbled by how quickly his message has been embraced.

Source: falloutbooty99

“I know I can’t end bigger problems like sexism, racism, homophobia, and others, even though I want to, so for now, I’ll attempt to end the taboo that guys associate menstruation with,” he said.

Hello my name is Ambrosia and after some careful searching of myself and looking at the last week and a half/two weeks of my life I have realized I am the emotional punching bag to many of my friends. I have also realized that it needs to stop. I feel bad for posting another down toned blog post but that is what this blog is here for and I just need to get it out. One of my very dearest friends was hospitalized last week in mental crisis after several weeks (maybe more I didn’t analyze to far back) of using me as an emotional punching bag. My own mood has been very down because of the constant heaping on I have had going for a while from several directions but I am trying everyday to pull myself up by my bootstraps and keep going on. However, I really need to find a way to find a balance. I really do.

I love the people in my life, as an introvert and just because of who I am, if I have chosen to keep you in my tight circle it is because I love you. I want to be there for you and support you and do everything I can. However, there needs to be balance give and take. Or maybe I just need to be better at telling people to please take some issues elsewhere. Of course the handful of times I have done such or similar in the past I have been called names, told I am not a good friend and all of that. After a great deal of reading looks like that is just another form of using someone as a punching bag.

I know I am not the only one out there, I have found several articles and posts that could have easily been me talking. Such as this one.

So, I know this is definitely a situation a LOT of people are in. Who knows how it happens, perhaps it’s just people who have a generally level-headed attitude, but we end up as the people that everyone dumps all their problems on. This is not a bad thing, per se. I myself enjoy being able to help my friends (or complete strangers who profess their horrifying life issues. It happens.). In general, you can bounce their ideas back and forth, help them figure out how to get through tough times or offer an outside opinion, and they will walk away better off and with more perspective.

But then, you get the folks who are just looking for someone to use as an emotional punching bag. You may be familiar with them, they like to rant and rave and scream and shout, but whenever you offer advice they completely disregard it and then respond by talking about how helpless they are, how much you probably hate them for having problems, etc. This just happened to me today, and it hit an extreme that I can’t even handle anymore. ~ Source

At the end of the day I really don’t know how to stop being the punching bag because I want to still be supportive to those I love. Surely there has to be a way to find a happy balance and I hope I can find it. I know at this point I am just rambling but sometimes it is a good ramble that can help clear the head and allow you to move forward. At least that is how it works for me. Granted basically being told I am the reason someone is in the hospital by someone else in their life, when all I do is take the emotional attacks and hits..doesn’t help.

So just to get it out there and off my chest and not flinging anything at any particular person/people because it just all lumps together after a while and I am not trying to attack anyone. I am merely trying to get my own thoughts, feelings and emotions out. My issues, which while may have root with those I love and care about is not something I would just say “Hey you know what your a …. so so and so for making me tired of such and such.” It isn’t like that. I just need to get some of the things I am weary of off my chest. Doesn’t mean I don’t love people or want to be there for them..just means these are things that are starting to make me cry.

Getting dumped on, constantly and not being able to return the favor.
Being told what do you have in your life to be upset about.
Being told I have no sympathy/time/understanding/give a damn for your problems.
Being emotionally used and then cut off.
Being financially used and then cut off, with a good heaping of the emotional slugged in on this one too (I am getting better at telling people NO on this one).
Being lied to about stupid ass shit.
Being blamed for someone else’s emotional state.
Being blamed for someone else who has clear emotional problems (which involve crisis plans and Real Doctors and diagnosis) down swing.
Being attacked when I express my feelings on what is going on in a situation.
Not being allowed to be sick (someone else is always sicker)
Not being allowed to be tired (someone else is always more tired)
Not being allowed to enjoy some happy moments because they get dumped on with negative all over the place.
Being made to feel bad about what I have in my life, much of which is a blessing and even more so has been worked for with sweat, blood and tears.
Being the one to chase people down for conversation and get told I don’t do enough, don’t care enough am in short not enough.
Being made to feel like an insane person for expecting basic things from people.
Being left holding the bag.
Being left being responsible for other peoples commitments.

Whew, okay off my chest. Hopefully I can find a balance now that I am looking more closely at some relationships in my life. When I chose to care and love someone, I don’t just toss them. It isn’t in my nature. I also would never toss someone because they were having a hard time, we all have them and while things may be different for everyone it makes no ones struggle less then.

So now that I wrote all that it is time to go back under my blankets and try not to hack up a lung. Hopefully I won’t get any fall out from making this post, but that might be a bit to optimistic.

Sometimes when life is kicking you all over the place, making you feel down or being overly busy or both you need to take time to sit back and do something that makes you happy. It can be so easy to get caught up in the run around of life, the stress and the negativity. I know I am guilty of doing this often and then we forget to do some of the things that we enjoy. The other thought is to remember that doing something to make you happy doesn’t have to be a huge extravagance, it can be something small.

When life seems to be battering me from all sides I have found that taking up one of my crochet projects even just for 5 minutes, helps me. Or taking a walk outside in nature it helps. Sure it doesn’t remove the problems in life but it gives me a few moments of peace away from them. Sometimes that little rest gives me some more courage and more battery life to tackle my problems head on.

Why am I musing on this you wonder? Just one of those things in the last few weeks things have been stressful for me and some of my dearest friends. I wish I could help those friends who are having trouble more but sometimes one can feel helpless in that too. My view can be seen as simplistic in taking those happy moments and I have at time been yelled at for it. Right or wrong it works for me and I only can wish that others find what will work best for them.

Random musings for the day that I just felt needed to be put down in word. I am looking down another stressful day of dealing with some clients who have been driving me up the wall and other stressful things that need to be handled. Time to take a crochet break before hand.