Born in the Tundra of Minnesota, I have since become a bit of a Gypsy. Currently calling home base the hot sands of Arizona, I do still travel often. Whether the journey is a physical one, or one taken by reading a fantastic book it doesn't matter, the fun is always in the adventure. As always I am an eclectic person that likes a wide array of things and has many passions. Creating, advocating for animals and Mothering just to name a few.


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The Purple Booker







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Dec
15
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I can’t help but wonder if this is what a nervous breakdown looks like. I have been stressed for a long while now. I am one of those people who is very good at hiding things to the general people and just saying I am fine and moving on. But, everything has a breaking point right? I mean, even the strongest of substances will eventually break down, even if it is just because the passage of time running over you. I have had joyous moments don’t get me wrong, and some of the things stressing me, I wouldn’t change for a thing because they also bring me joy. Other things, however well other things I would change. I just read an article after a particularly bad hour (oh, I will get to that) that says 7 signs you might be headed towards a nervous breakdown. I ticked 6 out of the 7 boxes. I would say that is a pretty damn high number of things. Looking at how little I have been blogging lately and even the 3 different drafts I started on this blog and haven’t bothered to finish up and post. Sad right?

Maybe it is just the holidays catching up with me (I am really not a fan of this time of year, even though I try), maybe it is because I know I won’t get my gifts ready in time and they will be late this year for some. Maybe it is the state of the world, maybe it is because I pretty much work non stop and maybe it is just all of it combined. But I seriously would like to either sit in the middle of the floor and scream or climb into bed for a week and sleep or maybe both. Seems like a good idea to me.

So after another trying day of the usual I then again had to shoulder the bulk of a friend’s mental illness. Now don’t get me wrong, I am a friend and I am someone who will bend over backwards and break for my friends. I don’t want it to seem like I am some uncaring beotch. But it is very trying when you are always the one shouldering the problems for people and you never get a chance to use their shoulders in return. I don’t want a pity party, but more often than not I am the one who shoulders it all and gets crushed into the mud while those who take take take and heave their burden upon me don’t offer a hand to help me up from the mud they have crushed me in.

I have openly told those who keep heaping on my shoulders that I don’t want to sound selfish, but I am hitting a wall where I can’t shoulder anymore. I need to deal with my own anxiety and problems for a little bit and it would be nice if I got some help from them as I have given them. It feels as if it is falling upon deaf ears. Especially today.

Another long dealing with another persons mental illness as I stand there trying to reel in my own anxiety, my own issues and trouble that I have been having. Once everything has been off loaded the other party goes dark, locked away in a bubble where I don’t hear from them unless there is something else wrong for me to fix. Safe and sound and warm and totally unaware as I suffocate in the mud their problems and my problems have shoved me down into.

The course of events that happened, aren’t overly terrible they aren’t even out of the ordinary for me in the course of a day. But, I have been sobbing about it for 2 hours and still am even as I type this post out. I am not sure why I am making the post and if I may not even post it, but writing can often times help me find my center again, to gather the shreds of myself up enough to carry on behind the mask of I am fine. Because even if I am not fine, everyone else has bigger problems than me and I have to turn my shoulders again for them to use. Taurus the bull is my zodiac sign, loyal, loving, stubborn yes too.. and a beast of burden it can often feel like.

As I sat down trying to finish a crochet order so I could move on to finishing crochet Christmas presents when my beautiful Senior cat Dutchy demanded to be fed. This is not a new thing and I happily feed her. For the last 4 years she has been on a wet food only diet as first her gums and then her teeth got too sensitive for kibble. I do not mind feeding her, even when she is yelling at me 16 years old, she is my beautiful girl, part of my strength I would do anything for her. Sadly, this time her yelling is what set off events.

I collected the usual horde of followers that comes along when they know she is being fed and kicked them out. Fed my sweet girl and headed back to work on the project I NEED to finish while she ate. Alas, that was not to be. As soon as my rear end hit the bed, Cubby bless his sweet heart had what we gently call a Cubpocolypse moment. Cubby has IBS, hyperthyroid, a food allergy and frankly he just likes to eat things he isn’t supposed to, no matter how hard I try to keep him out of them he sometimes gets sneaky. So as he tried to sleep, a stinky explosion happened. Not an unusual thing that happens either. The smell was horrid as usual, but hey, at least this time it wasn’t on me! I get covered on a regular basis as he loves to sleep on me and I would never tell him not to. It is not his fault it happens, I know he feels embarrassed when it happens and who would really choose to fall asleep and then wake up covered in crap.

I couldn’t find my usual tools for clean up which started a bit of ocd shaking (yeah, I am getting some ocd habits that I am not a fan of now. Bully for me more issues) and as I looked for them the dogs nicely reminded me I was overdue for their dinner. I did a quick partial clean up of the mess and gathered up the dog bowls to get meals. I couldn’t find their winter time stew portions in the fridge and assumed there wasn’t some out for thawing luckily I keep a few nice cans when we get free cans for buying food in a stash for such occasions. I look down as I am about to scoop kibble..and one of the cats thought it was funny to pee in Olly’s dish. Fair enough, so I washed that.

Finally the food was in the bowls and all nice and mixed up. I headed back to give the dogs their dinner and add a benadryl in (last gasp of winter pollen of some kind has made Olly and Diva break out in hives) and as soon as i set the bowls down I look up and beautiful white kitty Kirk…. has two large patches of liquid explosion of Cubby fashion on him. This made me give a bit of a shout of oh for F’s sake. I mean, seriously, who wouldn’t right, I mean seriously?

Olly is sensitive and this yell made him run off away from his dinner where he then proceeded to do a nervous circuit of the house before sitting on the couch and shaking. I have to gather up his bowl so nobody else, including cat family tries to eat it, grab Kirk, who smells and is covered in poo and fetch a towel so I can wash him a bit. Yeah, you can imagine that went about as well as it sounds. I admit, I do confess I lost my temper with Olly as he circled around and around and around nearly tripping me. It is not his fault. I love Olly and I know he is a sensitive soul, who had a terrible first year of his life before getting to us and most days his nervous ticks and things don’t phase me. He is a very empathetic dog and he was only picking up on my energy right now. But breaking point was there and I yelled oh for God sake Olly stop running around and eat your dinner. That of course did nothing to help him. Nothing to help me either, I still feel guilty as sin for yelling at him. He didn’t stop or want his dinner, so I proceeded to the kitchen to wash Kirk. Why not the bathroom? Remember that is where Dutchy is having her meal. You open that door and the hun’s rush in. Safer to go to the kitchen.

Kirky is a beautiful and wonderful boy. Patient and cute as a button. He is however also a cat. I have yet to have a cat that actually LIKES a bath. Kirky is no exception. The second the water hit his tail it was like he was a savage wildcat and after I got scratched and bit he ran away. Typical right? Olly started circling faster. I rounded Kirky up again, got him cleaned off. Finally got Olly to stop running in a circle and eat his dinner. Then sit down and have a nice big cry, which hasn’t stopped. I still have to finish changing the bed from the mess that got spewed all over it. But I am frozen. I can’t make myself do it. I can’t make the leaking stop from my eyeballs and I can’t make myself finish what I need to do. Change the sheets and crochet a stinking sock. The only thing I could summon up the focus for was to write this post.

I really think this might be what a nervous breakdown looks like. I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit. Can anyone take it away, please? Also, please pass me some super glue so I can get back to putting myself together and saying I am fine.

Besides.. with perfect timing as always..someone has just asked me to come pick them up.

I’m fine.

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