People claim they are trying to be supportive and there for me yet they get all butt hurt when I answer in an honest yet slightly guarded way. Like seriously? Leave me here with my damn comfort food and I will just eat my feelings away thank you. I don’t need any wishy washy support, I need real no strings attached I am here for you even at your worst support. I am sure some reading this will think this is aimed at one particular person but it’s not. It is a clear and honest shot across the bow of all of those in my life who say they are there for me and love me and are my friends and are trying to be supportive and then they snap at me because I don’t meet their expectation of what I should be saying. There is more then one of you and you all know damn well who you are. For the record I can’t help but wonder if those who continue to do this sort of thing ever stop to think perhaps it is the fact that any time an honest less then sunshiny answer is given there is a price for me to pay and I am tired of paying it. So sometimes it is just easier to say, I’ll live which is an alternative and more honest answer then I am fine when obviously I am not.
Over the last two years I have been making a serious work of trying to take back things that were taken from me. Two years before that I started making pushes and efforts to embrace other things. I won’t go in full detail here but for me to accept things and take back things about me has been a long and hard process. Like it is for anyone who goes through it I am sure. For the most part I have made strides towards my goals I feel, and yet I have a long way to go. Sometimes it would be a great deal easier to just be “normal”, there are so many days that I think if I could just fall into a role that society would see as normal and live in that small box it would be so much easier.
Not that it would make me any happier, of course. Being something you’re not only sets you up for more pain in the end of things. Yet much like the Queen, whom one of my dear cousins has decided to call my alter ego, I was taught what seems like eons ago to conceal. Yes, perhaps it was not the exact same way that Elsa learned and was told to conceal herself. Leading to never ending anxiety.. which of course manifests itself into freezing an entire land in eternal winter. Yet the effect is the same. Once again, I find myself feeling like I said in an early post on this blog. I must always be the strong one, the independent one, the perfect one.
I do have many blessings in my life and I will be the first one to tell anyone that. I am blessed in so many ways. I have love, a roof over my head, food in my belly and clothing to wear. I can even indulge in some hobbies and pastimes when I have actual time to do so and am not working. I know there are so many people who do not have all of these things. There are people in this world who are suffering. I understand that and I try not to be petty. However, because I have these things, does that mean my life is perfect? No, it doesn’t. No life is perfect as no human is perfect. Moreover, the grass is always greener on the other side of the pasture. Just because all some see are the lush green blades of grass doesn’t mean there are not weeds, trouble spots and other unpleasant things to be had.
The beauty of the castle that was created through Queen Elsa’s castle cannot be denied. Many who look at it will only see the beauty and the fact that it is a castle. They will forget that while indeed it is these things it was a fortress from the world. An ice gilded cage in which the Queen could hide herself away from the world. The only way she felt comfortable being whom she truly was meant being completely separate from the world, from everyone even the sister whom she loved. Because she had been taught that to be herself around people was a terrible thing. Being herself meant that she harmed her sister. Being herself meant that those around her who saw the beautiful power she wielded would be scared of her. They would fear that power she was born with, lash out at her because of it. Some small few might covet the power for themselves and trap her even further so they could have her kingdom. Fear and jealousy are nasty things that seem to travel together in a pack finding every weak point in the prey they seek and hitting those weak points as hard as possible. Even the strongest among us will eventually buckle under the strain.
At any rate. I digress and have gone on another long ramble of emotional vomit, apologies to all and sundry who take the time to read it. I really should go back to just putting the happy things of life on the internet. This post when I originally opened the page was intended to make an announcement that I was thinking of bringing my pen/paper/ink reviews back in some form or fashion as J said he missed them. I didn’t think anyone really paid much mind to them back when I used to do them. The last one I did was in 2017, good grief a lifetime ago (and omg the blog design I had on that blog…designed myself so not razzing any designers oh what was I thinking). Alas, things happened as I settled in to write the blog post and this is what we are left with.
I apologize to the readers of this post. Perhaps the announcement will come on a different and a better day.
I am fine.