Born in the Tundra of Minnesota, I have since become a bit of a Gypsy. Currently calling home base the hot sands of Arizona, I do still travel often. Whether the journey is a physical one, or one taken by reading a fantastic book it doesn't matter, the fun is always in the adventure. As always I am an eclectic person that likes a wide array of things and has many passions. Creating, advocating for animals and Mothering just to name a few.

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The Purple Booker

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Okay, I have not forgotten I have a blog. Or several. I just have been so busy as usual everywhere else that the blog is one of the things that falls between the cracks. I mean, if I have to chose between spending time with friends and family or typing up a random blog post, these days the blog never wins. I am okay with that, really I am. I am not going to drone on and beat myself up about it in this post because if I had to make the choice I would make the same choice again.

With that being said I need to start making more time for me again and for me sometimes that me time means sitting down and blogging. Now that is not going to happen overnight, but of course I am going to start debating and planning how I might make this work. The time for that is going to be coming soon. I am going to be leaving the States behind tomorrow and going back off to my favorite place the UK. From there well I will be going to other parts of the world as well. A gypsy heart and all of that.

This comes at a good time as well because I am seriously giving some thought to the world in general. To say that my friendships lately have been up and down lately would be the understatement of the century. It is no secret that I have several friends with some fairly serious mental issues. We all have issues and I suffer from my own anxiety and such as well. Sadly the hardest hit has happened in just the last three weeks and frankly, it has me a little bit shocked, awed and just unsure of much of anything at this point. You spend 8 years building a friendship, helping as much as you possibly can through the ups and downs of everything only to be told in the end you are a fucking bitch and you’re the reason someone is becoming homeless and those are just two of the nicer things said to me in this instance. I am not going to hash all of it out in a public post, but I believe this friend has had a breakdown of some kind or perhaps she is using again the behavior matches.

I have done this dance before with this friend, but honestly, it has never been quite this bad. I am so worried and so deeply concerned for her but if she won’t seek the help she needs and thinks I am the bad guy what else can I do? I spent about 2 and a half weeks sacrificing what little bit of sleep I got and family time and work time trying to sort out what was going on, trying to be supportive much to the downfall of my own health. That is on me though that was my choice, I won’t blame anyone else. There is, however a point where one has to draw the line and disengage no matter how much it hurts. It hurts me. I don’t give up on people. I don’t like to turn my back on those I love, but sometimes you have to make a choice and not allow them to completely drag you down and drowned with them. That is something very hard for me to do. So hard. I know whatever she is going through has to be hard as well, but after the last outburst I have heard nothing. I can hope she is okay and I do hope she is, even if she wants me to drop dead.

That is where the worrying about society and other things has been coming into mind. Why has society programed women to always see each other as competition? Yes, that might not be the first thing that comes to mind with a mental or addiction issue, but it is there. I have had less dramatic issues with women lately as well and that has clearly boiled down to that society normal that women don’t support each other but attack each other. I hate it. It’s why I have always felt I get along with men better. That is not to say I don’t have a few good women in my life, I do. I just wish I had more. I wish I could feel more open to making new women friends as well.

The latest events coupled with my other social anxiety and social issues frankly has me thinking why bother? I know logically that is wrong. Even in my heart, I know I want more female friends. I think women can truly life one each other up and support each other in amazing ways, if they would just do that. At this point I am starting to ramble a little bit, but I am overtired and overworked at the moment. I think I will end up sleeping for a week on my holiday. Maybe that will be the best thing for me. All in all it has been a bit of a rough time lately and frankly I miss my friends. This latest loss had dragged up a few other losses in my life as well and makes the pain more acute. I have told people I do truly feel like I am in mourning. I am mourning the death of a friendship and that really sucks. Hardcore.

I guess all that is left to say is what I usually say when there isn’t really anything you can do about a situation, it is what it is.

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Once upon a time life was far more simple. I am not going back as far as childhood, but oh weren’t times super simple then? When the biggest problem you often faced was trying to find out if you and your friend could manage to get both of your parents to agree to an entire weekend of sleepovers. This would of course, sometimes involve agreeing to go to church. I am talking even just 5 or 6 years ago. Perhaps a bit further. From where I sit now, sure life was not perfect it never is but it seems like it was simpler in so many ways. It also felt like I had more close friends then. I am not talking about the family or lovers aspect but friends. I guess for me there is always a need to have the entire grouping as a whole. I am missing part of mine and I don’t know what to do about it anymore.

There is a point of course, when you are looking at life and the changes that have happened where you ask yourself if it is indeed you that is causing the problems. Now I will never say I am blameless, I believe that everyone involved in a relationship is going to have some blame when things go one way or another, but there are different levels of that. For me the result of looking at things is that, I miss my friends.

I miss my friends in Minnesota, we used to meet up for book meetings. I have a great many fond memories of chatting and sitting around just enjoying company in a wonderful comfortable spot with those book buddies. There is a plan in the future to make home base Minnesota again so perhaps that is something which in part if it is wanted will be able to be corrected. I am still in touch with some of these wonderful friends, but things don’t seem as close as they used to be. Part of life I know.

I miss my friend Vere. I know it was not a conventional friendship. We met online and in nearly 13 years we never met face to face. There was a wide range of reasons for this, a lot of it had to do with Vere’s fear of meeting with people, even friends. She had serious anxiety about it. Especially after a stalker almost took her life. I never minded though, because we communicated daily and shared everything but that one thing of being face to face. I would say we were as close as could be given that. We had routines and rituals, ones that I looked forward to and enjoyed so much. Three years ago on December 5th was the last time I heard from her, however. Everything went just as it always did, I never thought I wouldn’t hear from her again. But that was it. I have not heard from her since then. I don’t know what happened. I wish I did. She promised she would never purposely just vanish, see that is one of my fears to just have someone vanish and not knowing why or what happened. I believe she never would have just left. She was sick and had some other issues, so it is perfectly feasible that something happened. I just wish I knew for sure. She assured me that her lawyer would know how to contact me should anything that was the worst truly happen, but I don’t always trust lawyers in that respect. It is also possible with some of her brain issues that she could be in a coma or something happened and she has no memory of it. I miss Vere more than I can put into words right now.

There are other friends I miss too. Through things that have happened pains they have been created, issues that haven’t been dealt with. Most days I feel like I am on an island and everything calls it the oh but your so strong island and that is where I am. I just have to be the strong person everyone needs. But I miss my friends, I miss having my own support system in place, my own comfortable rituals and things that I could count on happening. Routine. For me routine has always been a comfortable place, something I could hold onto in times of stress when everything else is up in the air.

I should elaborate more on this topic, It feels a little open ended, leaving it here, but my eyes are going cross eyed. So I will leave it for now to perhaps re-visit later. The long, short and simple of it is….I miss my friends.

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Hello my name is Ambrosia and after some careful searching of myself and looking at the last week and a half/two weeks of my life I have realized I am the emotional punching bag to many of my friends. I have also realized that it needs to stop. I feel bad for posting another down toned blog post but that is what this blog is here for and I just need to get it out. One of my very dearest friends was hospitalized last week in mental crisis after several weeks (maybe more I didn’t analyze to far back) of using me as an emotional punching bag. My own mood has been very down because of the constant heaping on I have had going for a while from several directions but I am trying everyday to pull myself up by my bootstraps and keep going on. However, I really need to find a way to find a balance. I really do.

I love the people in my life, as an introvert and just because of who I am, if I have chosen to keep you in my tight circle it is because I love you. I want to be there for you and support you and do everything I can. However, there needs to be balance give and take. Or maybe I just need to be better at telling people to please take some issues elsewhere. Of course the handful of times I have done such or similar in the past I have been called names, told I am not a good friend and all of that. After a great deal of reading looks like that is just another form of using someone as a punching bag.

I know I am not the only one out there, I have found several articles and posts that could have easily been me talking. Such as this one.

So, I know this is definitely a situation a LOT of people are in. Who knows how it happens, perhaps it’s just people who have a generally level-headed attitude, but we end up as the people that everyone dumps all their problems on. This is not a bad thing, per se. I myself enjoy being able to help my friends (or complete strangers who profess their horrifying life issues. It happens.). In general, you can bounce their ideas back and forth, help them figure out how to get through tough times or offer an outside opinion, and they will walk away better off and with more perspective.

But then, you get the folks who are just looking for someone to use as an emotional punching bag. You may be familiar with them, they like to rant and rave and scream and shout, but whenever you offer advice they completely disregard it and then respond by talking about how helpless they are, how much you probably hate them for having problems, etc. This just happened to me today, and it hit an extreme that I can’t even handle anymore. ~ Source

At the end of the day I really don’t know how to stop being the punching bag because I want to still be supportive to those I love. Surely there has to be a way to find a happy balance and I hope I can find it. I know at this point I am just rambling but sometimes it is a good ramble that can help clear the head and allow you to move forward. At least that is how it works for me. Granted basically being told I am the reason someone is in the hospital by someone else in their life, when all I do is take the emotional attacks and hits..doesn’t help.

So just to get it out there and off my chest and not flinging anything at any particular person/people because it just all lumps together after a while and I am not trying to attack anyone. I am merely trying to get my own thoughts, feelings and emotions out. My issues, which while may have root with those I love and care about is not something I would just say “Hey you know what your a …. so so and so for making me tired of such and such.” It isn’t like that. I just need to get some of the things I am weary of off my chest. Doesn’t mean I don’t love people or want to be there for them..just means these are things that are starting to make me cry.

Getting dumped on, constantly and not being able to return the favor.
Being told what do you have in your life to be upset about.
Being told I have no sympathy/time/understanding/give a damn for your problems.
Being emotionally used and then cut off.
Being financially used and then cut off, with a good heaping of the emotional slugged in on this one too (I am getting better at telling people NO on this one).
Being lied to about stupid ass shit.
Being blamed for someone else’s emotional state.
Being blamed for someone else who has clear emotional problems (which involve crisis plans and Real Doctors and diagnosis) down swing.
Being attacked when I express my feelings on what is going on in a situation.
Not being allowed to be sick (someone else is always sicker)
Not being allowed to be tired (someone else is always more tired)
Not being allowed to enjoy some happy moments because they get dumped on with negative all over the place.
Being made to feel bad about what I have in my life, much of which is a blessing and even more so has been worked for with sweat, blood and tears.
Being the one to chase people down for conversation and get told I don’t do enough, don’t care enough am in short not enough.
Being made to feel like an insane person for expecting basic things from people.
Being left holding the bag.
Being left being responsible for other peoples commitments.

Whew, okay off my chest. Hopefully I can find a balance now that I am looking more closely at some relationships in my life. When I chose to care and love someone, I don’t just toss them. It isn’t in my nature. I also would never toss someone because they were having a hard time, we all have them and while things may be different for everyone it makes no ones struggle less then.

So now that I wrote all that it is time to go back under my blankets and try not to hack up a lung. Hopefully I won’t get any fall out from making this post, but that might be a bit to optimistic.


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