I won’t go into a big to do about how bad I have been about this blog. Honestly, I struggled with a bit on whether I would keep this one or not. What I could turn it to and so on, and then a great deal of upheaval happened at the end of 2019 for me and well then 2020 happened to all of us. Oh my, 2020.

Covid-19 has been a scary time. I never thought I would see a time where not only America but the whole world would have to be put on lock down. Although even scarier than that I think perhaps is the people who don’t understand why. People shouting about having to wear a mask, or how they can’t get their hair done. Really? As of today over 107,000 Americans have died. The highest death toll in the world, but yes it is so wrong you can’t get your hair done. Oi vey.

Yet the event that has set the world on fire (rightly so), is the Murder of George Floyd by 4 police officers in my home state of Minnesota. I watched the video. I sobbed, I wanted to turn away but I also felt it would be wrong to look away. So I watched the whole video. I watched as Mr. Floyd said he couldn’t breath, begged to be let up so he could breath, said these cops are going to kill me and called out for his Mama. The man called for his Mama. I watched as bystanders begged the cops to let him up because he said he couldn’t breath, as they said check him for a pulse when Mr. Floyd stopped moving, one bystander identified herself as an off duty first responder even. The bystanders pleaded for them to render aid. I watched as one police officer was aggressive in keeping the bystanders back. It clearly seemed that he would have no issue taking his gun out and firing upon those bystanders. I watched as 2 officers held down his legs and torso, and I watched as another officer kneeled on his neck.

That officer, seemed almost smug as he kept his knee into George Floyds neck. He certainly did not seem any bit concerned that he was being filmed, or that bystanders begged for a mans life. He made no move to render aid. None. Not one finger did he lift. Almost 9 minutes he remained like that, 3 of them had Mr. Floyd no longer moving at all, completely unresponsive. This is the country we have created, where officers feel so confident that they can murder a black man in broad daylight, while being filmed and nothing will come of it.

Not this time.

This time the world stood up and cried out. I am one of them. I support the movement. I am an ally and I strive to do my level best to be a good ally. To use my white privilege for good. It feels like we are witnessing a revolution this time. I hope it really does spark real and lasting change. Yes there has been damage to buildings and goods, with riots striking right in the neighborhood I grew up in. But those things can be replaced. Lives cannot be replaced.

The man currently being called president in the white house has made an even bigger ass out of himself with how he has been responding to what has been going on. He made zero posts about Mr. Floyds death. He has instead only called for military and aggressive police tactics to calm the protests. He has gone out for a photo op and had peaceful protestors tear gassed for that photo op. The man is a lunatic and reminds me of Hitler. I suspect he will declare martial law if he can get away with it. Absolutely disgusting.

So, those are my thoughts at the moment. 2020 is a bit of a dumpster fire. However, I do hope we really do see real change happen. The officers have all been charged now. That is something different at least.

 

Hello 2018, we are a week in now and I am slowly getting my head around the whole new year new start thing. It was, to say the least a rough entry for the new year. A lot of stuff went off right around the new year and well, there was some fun, of course, who doesn’t work on a little bit of fun on new years eve but there was a lot of other stuff. I am working on shaking it off.

I don’t make resolutions because I think when you do that you set yourself up to feel shitty when you don’t meet them. I used to make them I did, but I got so tired of beating myself up over not meeting them. So I just stopped making them and overall I have to say I am happier about it. I do however, set myself some goals for the year. I think it’s a good thing to have some sort of path to walk. It helps give guidance and helps you get to where you want to go in general.

One of my goals this year is self care. I have this habit that is very hard to break. I am very good at taking care of other people. I am very good at giving advice, and dropping everything and trying to help others. It is one of the things I do. I won’t likely every stop doing it, because I believe helping others is important. It is something that I was taught growing up and I will always do it period. However, I do need to stop doing it to the point where it is actually harmful to myself. 2017… Well, I ended up being hurt a lot for helping.

So 2018 is the year where I still help but I try and care about myself more. It should in general also mean working less, but I am not fully sure that will work out, but I am going to give it a try. I am a workaholic and that is a problem most of the time. I am aware of it at least so self awareness counts for something right?

I am also going to try to look after my health a bit more. Supplements are coming! I don’t take horrible care of myself, but I know I could do better. Couldn’t we all? One thing I used to be good about and no longer am is taking supplements. I used to be very good at taking them, but once they add up and then my other medications I have to take for my health there was just too many bottles. Way too many bottles. When you travel around and are all over the place with work and kids and everything else having to carry around like 20 bottles is just too many. It really is just too much. Need an entire large bag just for them and lord knows I have enough to tote around with me.

Enter me spending time scrolling through things on Instagram and finding someone else who is focusing on some self care for themselves this year. They posted about a supplement company called Take care of they make personalized packets that have daily supplements all in one nice little package and best yet? They are kinda cute and put your name on them. I decided to go ahead and get an order from them so I can say more once I get them, but it’s pretty cool looking. Not the only ones who have made the concept I know, heck I got supplement packs for my horses that were all self contained and super easy too. Way easier than buckets and buckets of supplements in the barn. You of course pay for the convenience, but it’s always been fairly reasonable.

So I answered all the questions and I got personal recommendations. I agreed with all but one of them. The best part of that as well is that you are not required to take everything they say you can adjust the package as you want. Funny enough, they actually gave me supplements I don’t think most places or even Doctor’s would have thought of

Ashwagandha: Traditionally used herbal remedy that helps with stress and brain function, most commonly grown in India.
Rhodiola: Traditionally used herbal remedy, again helps with the brain function, stress and help with energy and fatigue. Traditionally grow in Russia.

being two of them. Fantastic supplements, but not ones you see mentioned often and ones personally I too, even with my big knowledge of supplements and herbal remedies would have overlooked. There are more in the packet, but gee do you see the general pattern for me ha ha ha. Anyways, right, so that is step one and I am hoping it is the first of many take care of me step for 2018. Another fun thing about this particular company is the packets have quotes on them every day. They even showed me a little sample when I set up for my first month. It is of course as so many things these days a subscription service.

I spend most of my life fighting battles. Many of which I know I’ll never win. I fight them for myself but mostly I fight them for my loved ones. But I’m tired. I am so exhausted that I want to lay down my sword forever.

There have been so many loses this year and last year… so many hard personal loses. I was barely treading water before and now that a part of my soul has crossed the rainbow bridge and I’m drowning. Somedays lately I ask myself what am I even fighting for? To be forgotten about? To be an after thought? To be the also ran? To be the ATM. Or the place holder until something better comes along?

I’m not posting this here for attention, I’m not posting it because I’m going to harm myself ( I never would ) I’m posting it here because I’m tired of keeping it in and at least here no one can interrupt me mid thought and say, but you’re so strong! You’re always strong! You’ll be fine! Well meant I’m sure but even the strong need support and love and care. Ha but of course I’ve been told my life is far better then many others so what do I have to complain about. We all fight battles.

Just because one persons life is different then yours, just because their struggles are different doesn’t make them less than. We all fight battles. Period. But I’m so tired.

I used to have friends. Not tons but ones I trusted and loved…still love. But now the majority are gone. For varied reasons most by their own choice because I wouldn’t give them some material thing they demanded. Nice right? I’m so tired. I drop everything for those I love when they need me. I’ll put all of my own shit aside my work whatever it takes. I thought that is what you did. But I’ve noticed as of late…the same isn’t done for me. I don’t expect people to lose their work or anything like that, but some form of letting me know I matter would be nice. I’m tired.

I’m tired of being in a room literally or figuratively full of people but feeling alone in the dark. I’m drowning, where’s my hand of help? I’ve used all my glue putting others back together I don’t have any left for myself. I’m drowning but people only seem to want to spend time with me when someone else isn’t available to them. I can’t breath but the only time my phone seems to ring with any regular basis is for work or when something is required of me. Or when I’m expected to flip a switch and suddenly vent everything I’ve been told to keep to myself. I’m so tired.

This warrior doesn’t want to fight anymore. This warrior would rather be with the other part of herself. Maybe it’s time to stop fighting, to treat others the same way they treat me. To fully stay locked into the busy schedule I have and stop making time in it for others. Or maybe it’s just time to find a way to be with my other half, at least I’d feel whole again.

Of course none of those things will be what happens. Instead I’ll carry on and keep fighting. As I’ve always done. Be there and fix things and be the strong one. All the whole fairly sure no one will notice how tired I am. As long as I keep doing what they expect. That seems to be all that matters anyways.

Happy New Year to one and all. 2016, wow it seems like just yesterday it was 2000. Maybe I am the only one who thinks that or feels that but I do. Many things have happened in the last year and I am grateful for almost all of them. Even the ones I am not grateful for had to happen to make me who I am today and get me where I needed to be to start this year.

So many people make resolutions and all of that for 2016. Not me I tend to make goals for the year because they are easier to keep properly and you feel better when you keep them. I have also not yet made my 2016 round up post. I will make that sometime this coming week along with the goals list. That is not this post though. This post is a Happy New year as well as a little bit of a philosophy because I have been thinking about it lately.

It is a lot of the events of the last months of 2015 that have been waning and thinking about this one. So here we go. Soulmates it is a concept that we all know about, some believe in it some don’t. Those that do tend to believe it is this one single being that we are destined to be with. However, with the very high divorce rate in the US maybe that isn’t it. Or maybe I am just babbling but I read an article during some of my pondering recently.

What if there are soulMATES which of course touches on the mate part and why everyone thinks it is the one person they are supposed to be with forever, and soul companions. Yes you heard me soul companions, someone that we share all the big things that goes with soulmates but that mated or sex part.

You can view the whole article here: Understanding Soul companions and Soulmates

It is well worth the read. I really enjoyed reading it and it goes hand in hand with the belief I have held for many years. We have more then one person who touches our soul and belongs with us in our life to make us feel complete. I take it even further though and think that some of us even have more then one soulmate. The soul should not be measured in a unit of 1 that can’t hold anything extra. I think we need several soul companions too.

So there you have my 2016 philosophy bit. I will be doing the 2015 round up and goals list soon.

Alright I have had a stressful week this week, don’t we all have those once in a while. That is however, not what I am going to be posting about. I am just my mind is boggled at the fact that in the United States there has been another shooting with multiple people dead.

This time United States Marines.

Now it is terrible when anyone dies, anyone that is killed in a violent way should not have to die that way.

4 Marines dead because why? I just why because your feelings were hurt? You do know you just proved anyone who ever gave you trouble about being of middle eastern origin (not that I agree with that I don’t) but you just gave them validation. What did these Marines, these people who were just going about their day in Tennessee ever do to you?

What has our world really come to?

All I want to do is wrap my kids up in bubble wrap, build a bullet proof wall around my house with roof and never go out again. People are just going CRAZY.

This quote from a ABC article sums it up pretty well.

“While we expect our Sailors and Marines to go into harm’s way, and they do so without hesitation, an attack at home, in our community, is insidious and unfathomable,” Mabus added.

I just..

There are no words. I know this post is error filled and I don’t care my brain hurts. My heart hurts and my soul hurts.

One more friends, this one is for me I like 3’s better then 2’s after all.

 

Christmas again in London how many Christmas’s had she seen in her life now? It was easy to lose count of them all but she was blessed to have so many of them after all. Tucking her packages into her satchel Lilly looked up at the night sky oh so many things changed over the years. Why was it with all she had seen in her very long life it was nights like this she often thought of a man in a funny outfit, though now in these times it did not seem so strange. How had he traveled to that time so long ago? That Doctor.

Lilly smiled some and shook herself from thought to walk along the lightly snow powdered lane. She knew the path by heart and once in motion she allowed herself to slip back into memory. It was lost in this memory that she was when suddenly something or someone ran into her, it jarred her and her satchel as dropped but her senses went on high alert. Ready to defend herself when a familiar word hit her ears.

“Whot?!”

Lilly blinked and looked to where the man stood. He looked like he hadn’t aged a day! The outfit the outfit was even the same only…blue. “Doctor?” she said in a stunned tone.

“I really do have to rush there’s a thing…and it’s Christmas and…” he trailed off as brown eyes met blue. A blue he had only seen once before in a human and was as familiar to him as home, blue like his Tardis. “Princess Lilly? But how…that’s impossible…”

Slowly she arched one delicate brown moving a strange of her golden hair aside “As impossible as a man in a suit to be in the 14^th century and then also in the 21^st?”

“Not likely then…”

“No not likely, but here I am.”

“You only look a few years older…how?”

“Not the same way as you I suspect. How did you get to my time all those many years ago? Then here?”

“Oh by Tardis.”

“Tardis?”

“Time and relative dimension in space.”

“A time machine?”

“Well yes that is really simple way to put it though you see the Tardis is much more than a time…”

“Didn’t you say you were doing something I wouldn’t want to keep you from it…” though she didn’t want him to go she had too many manners to keep him if he had to go.

“Oh! Yes! But how are you…you don’t have a Tardis”

“No I don’t have a Tardis. I was changed.”

“Changed?”

She nodded slowly watching him he smelled like sunshine and something else, fresh and clean space maybe? “Yes we as a family prefer the term Immortal though I suppose most of the world would say Vampire.” He looked troubled at her last word.

“You don’t kill people do you? I am not a fan for that I can’t approve but I could give you a warning.”

She laughed softly a sound that seemed to lessen the tension in his shoulders “Oh no Doctor not at all we only taken from those willing to give. There are some who have been loyal to the family for generations.” Those words seemed to make him relax even more and he smiled. Seemed to wish to say something but there was some screaming in the distance.

“I do have to…”

“Take care of stuff.” She nodded understandingly though not really happily.

He hesitated a moment then took several steps forward. Stopped turned and looked at her again and simply held out his hand.

Lilly didn’t hesitate her packages still in the snow and yet she didn’t care. Not for a moment her hand met his and their smiles met with their gazes as they ran towards the screaming.

 

 

I was getting some fussing that there was MORE of the Sanc wanted so…fine lol here is a second shot. Back to where it all started……

 

 

Lilly looked up from her place in the castle rose gardens she felt as if someone was watching her. Which was silly on so many levels as a Princess of the blood she was always being watched. This was different though it was something else. Finally her deep blue eyes rested on a tree just off to the left of one of her favorite rose bushes. That is when she spotted it, she was not sure what it was some strange looking bit of cloth, brown like a peasant might wear with stripes? It was hard to tell from this distance setting her book down on the stone bench she slowly stood and making sure her skirts didn’t get muddy she walked to the tree to investigate. Lilly had been born with a curious nature something she got from both of her parents. Upon reaching the tree she indeed found a man behind it he was peering out the other side of the tree and what was he wearing? It was the strangest outfit she had ever seen and that was saying something. Tipping her chin up some however she spoke clearly.

“Sir what are you doing in the King’s Garden?”

Lilly watched as the man jumped startled and turned to look at her. When he did her eyes widened a little, perhaps he was dressed strange but he was handsome. An almost angelic face with high cheek bones, lush lips and deep brown eyes.

“Whot?!”

She blinked slightly at the man’s blurt. As he cleared his throat and looked at her.

“I mean…I was..looking for something that shouldn’t be here. I. Not meaning to be rude.”

“Looking for something that shouldn’t be here?”

“Oh well nothing you should worry about….your eyes are very blue.”

She tilted her head some he sure was a bit all over the place. “Thank you, but you shouldn’t be here.”

“Ah yes the King’s Gardens you say which King?”

Lilly widened her eyes some WHICH KING? Though she managed to keep a calm tone in reply, “Why the Only King there is in England Sir. Edward my Uncle.”

“Which one?”

“Of all the…” she stopped herself she was supposed to be less rash yes less rash, “You may know him by his often called title The Black King.”

“Oh that King”

Now the man looked a bit nervous she smiled a bit, “He is not so bad as that…”

“Your Uncle you said?”

She nodded some despite the oddity of him being in the garden and his dress which was just well she could not..what kind of shoes were those? Something about the man was drawing, “Yes he is my Uncle my Mother is his Sister Annabelle.”

“So that would make your Father?”

“William Thatcher.”

At that Lilly noticed the man smile and well that nearly made her heart fall into her shoes. What was wrong with her?

“The man who changed his Stars and married a Princess of the Blood.”

This Meme is daily and is held over at the That’s my answer blog

What is your ideal outdoor temperature?

I had to think about this one a little bit. I enjoy the sun and I enjoy nice breezes but I do not like humidity. I do like rain but not all the time. So what is my ideal temp, I would say around 72-75 is my ideal temp. I find that without humidity you can sit and enjoy the sunshine without getting over heated and just feel at one with nature. Once you hit the 80’s it tends to keep going and then it gets to hot.

This Meme is daily and is held over at the That’s my answer blog

Would you rather bungee jump off the Space Needle in Seattle or parachute over the Grand Canyon?

Look at that view I mean look at it. There can be no question I will answer the call of nature in this question. I would choose to Parachute over the Grand Canyon any day over the space needle. Ask me 100 times and I will answer the same.

 

Another tough one for the challenge but I think I got it 🙂