It is no secret to those who are close to me that since Dutchy passed away, I am a large open wound. I am not sure I will ever be able to move through it or if I am just going to end up feeling like this open raw wound for the rest of my life. All of the deaths that have happened in my life, human and pet alike have hurt. I know it sounds like I am playing kind of favorites, but that isn’t it. Dutchy was my familiar and more than that it felt like she was a part of me, she was a part of me. 17 years is a long time together and she was the rescue that came into my life as the first animal I had since my dog Scamper had passed away. She was with me through so many major life events that it would be impossible to name them all. When I was crying, she was there, when I was happy she was there. Dutchy was just always there. And now she isn’t and I am having an impossibly hard time with it. But I didn’t start typing this post to go on about that again, although it does have relevance to the main subject. You have to allow people to work through things. Whether it is because they are grieving or trying to wrap their minds around some kind of incident that has happened to them.

We are all human and we all do things and life is life and sometimes shit happens. That’s okay because that is how life works right? I mean you show me one person who has gone through life perfectly and I will eat the laptop I am typing on. Things happen. Here is the thing I feel about it, things will always happen can’t stop it, but it is how we DEAL with those things that matters. I really think you can tell a lot about someone by seeing how they handle situations as they crop up.

There isn’t a black and white, right and wrong way to handle things, we are all different and have to process differently. The one thing to me that comes across as a non negotiable, however is that you have got to try and let others process in their way. I know I am not perfect in that myself, but I always try my level best at it and I am continuing to work and improve at that myself. As of late though I find that I end up being a little less tolerant about it, not because I want to but because a lot of people in my life aren’t allowing ME to process things the way I need to. I know that sounds a bit childish and it is NOT how I expected things to go and I am working on it still but man oh man its just why can’t I process things too?

Lately anytime something crops up that I want to talk about or work through I am told to drop it. I am told that people don’t want to dwell, or let it drag down the whole day or whatever. I am by no means a person who wants to drag down an entire day over an issue, but really? Talking about things, talking through them that is a way for me to process and deal. I talk about things, muddle through them and then I work on letting them go. That is how I work when it comes to processing and healing. Sadly, I am not being allowed to anywhere I turn. I am hit with drop it, I don’t want to talk about it, get over it already and a myriad of other comments that amount to, NOPE.

Two very important people in my life have ripped me to shreds over recent times. They have said sorry sure, but I am still not being allowed to actually work through the problems. Sorry is a good place to start, but if you don’t allow people to work through it and sometimes that means working through it WITH you and TALKING about things that might not be super comfortable are you really all that sorry?

Sorry is a word and it can be a great jumping off point, but it is not a magic bullet. It doesn’t just fix everything. You HAVE to allow people to work through things. If you don’t, it’s just going to end up being a wound that doesn’t heal and it will likely fester and then where will you be?

If you love someone, let them work through it. Let them process, be there for them. Don’t tell them you just want to drop it if the issue is something that is important to them. You never know how much damage something like that will cause.

I spend most of my life fighting battles. Many of which I know I’ll never win. I fight them for myself but mostly I fight them for my loved ones. But I’m tired. I am so exhausted that I want to lay down my sword forever.

There have been so many loses this year and last year… so many hard personal loses. I was barely treading water before and now that a part of my soul has crossed the rainbow bridge and I’m drowning. Somedays lately I ask myself what am I even fighting for? To be forgotten about? To be an after thought? To be the also ran? To be the ATM. Or the place holder until something better comes along?

I’m not posting this here for attention, I’m not posting it because I’m going to harm myself ( I never would ) I’m posting it here because I’m tired of keeping it in and at least here no one can interrupt me mid thought and say, but you’re so strong! You’re always strong! You’ll be fine! Well meant I’m sure but even the strong need support and love and care. Ha but of course I’ve been told my life is far better then many others so what do I have to complain about. We all fight battles.

Just because one persons life is different then yours, just because their struggles are different doesn’t make them less than. We all fight battles. Period. But I’m so tired.

I used to have friends. Not tons but ones I trusted and loved…still love. But now the majority are gone. For varied reasons most by their own choice because I wouldn’t give them some material thing they demanded. Nice right? I’m so tired. I drop everything for those I love when they need me. I’ll put all of my own shit aside my work whatever it takes. I thought that is what you did. But I’ve noticed as of late…the same isn’t done for me. I don’t expect people to lose their work or anything like that, but some form of letting me know I matter would be nice. I’m tired.

I’m tired of being in a room literally or figuratively full of people but feeling alone in the dark. I’m drowning, where’s my hand of help? I’ve used all my glue putting others back together I don’t have any left for myself. I’m drowning but people only seem to want to spend time with me when someone else isn’t available to them. I can’t breath but the only time my phone seems to ring with any regular basis is for work or when something is required of me. Or when I’m expected to flip a switch and suddenly vent everything I’ve been told to keep to myself. I’m so tired.

This warrior doesn’t want to fight anymore. This warrior would rather be with the other part of herself. Maybe it’s time to stop fighting, to treat others the same way they treat me. To fully stay locked into the busy schedule I have and stop making time in it for others. Or maybe it’s just time to find a way to be with my other half, at least I’d feel whole again.

Of course none of those things will be what happens. Instead I’ll carry on and keep fighting. As I’ve always done. Be there and fix things and be the strong one. All the whole fairly sure no one will notice how tired I am. As long as I keep doing what they expect. That seems to be all that matters anyways.

Hello Monday. Today is the second Monday since I lost my sweet Dutchy. I am not coping well. I can’t focus on things for more then a few minutes at a time. Time and life marches on so I am doing my best to keep doing those important adult things. This song is beautiful though and right now I need a little bit of beauty in my life.

Poetry can be a good release valve. Of course I stopped sharing it a long time ago as everyone would take what was in the poetry as a cemented thing. That isn’t how poetry works.

Feel the groove for this Monday! I am not feeling tip top by any means but I am trying to think positive today and hey a little sexy. Monday’s are no fun sometimes but we can try and make them a bit more fun right?

Tell me of pain, what you know of it.
Is it to be feared, or guarded against
like a tangible foe?
Do you seek it, or merely accept it
like an unavoidable opponent?
Is it to be welcomed, with open arms
as an enabling experience?
You tell me yours, I’ll tell you mine.
Pain… She was my first lover
My most intimate friend,
but a demanding mistress, she is…
The more you fight her,
she more she hurts you
with no safe word in place…
As I struggled against her
she demanded more of me
until there was almost nothing left.
She encompasses me,
cloaks me in her cold embrace.
A cruel master, never meant to rule
has no limits to what she will do.
She is meant to lend you strength,
help you overcome…
If only you can harness her, hold her in check.
Many years ago she escaped her reigns;
now it is I in her shackles
I know of no escape though I must.
I am riddled with the arrows;
arrows that others aimed
that she pierces me with,
each taking a slice of my soul.
Soon there will be nothing remaining;
only a vacant shell in which I once dwelled…

Another Monday another day I wish I could put in Magic Monday. Have fallen behind on completing a wholesale order because of some stuff going on. ARGH but I will manage yes yes I will. In the meantime I need a little Prince in my life.

Another Saturday another day where I am not feeling overly much like this is a Sanctuary. To say this week has been rough would be another massive understatement. I know I said that about the year last week, what can I say it is a saying I use and it is also very true.

That being said, part of my personal goals as far as posting more and easing back into things is simply getting posts up. For me that is the first step, doing that regularly. Then I can work and focus more on content. I think this is a feasible thing to do and I personally tend to operate better when I have a set of small attainable goals that will lead into the larger desired result.

So without further adieu here is this weeks inspiration as a writing prompt for anyone who may want to take and use it.

Writing is much like many things in life, like desire, want sometimes it is the small and simple things that inspire us/mean the most to us in life. Take this quiet and yet so loud scene from Poldark for example. Ross has been a clot, he knows he has been a clot and it will only get worse ( for those who know the story line ) but in this moment he was a man who knew he’d fumbled things and was making an honest and true effort to right the ship in someway.

I’ve set out fans and ice to the right over there. *snickers* I joke but I think anyone who see’s the scene will agree that it is sensual, steamy, lovely and a variety of other things at once. All of this wrapped up in a holiday gift and a pair of socks. Dare you to see that next holiday pair of socks from Grandma the same after watching this scene *LOL*. It is all in the intent, the eyes, the movements putting on a sock (please note he didn’t actually get the entire pair on lol ) something simple that ends up being wildly sensual and meaningful.

This is something I feel much of current TV & movies is missing, but slowly we are seeing a trend that is returning to these things. Even within romantic fantasies and the like it always tells a better story when it is more real, more like life as we see it. How many couples have gone through the simple measures of helping their other with socks? Or maybe a shirt? Skirt? On or off, its very real compared to the big fancy house parties and such.

Yet this scene for me is also bittersweet because I know what is to come. I know the mistakes that BOTH Ross and then Demelza will make. That too is very much like life isn’t it? We are all human and we make mistakes, it is what we do to fix and repair them that can truly matter. I believe that TRUE love can overcome ALMOST anything so long as both parties are willing to put in the work. Ross and Demelza never have a perfect relationship of course (what relationship is) but they do put in the work. Following the books they will go on to have a total of 4 children over the span of 20 years that we follow the family, so there is more then an heir and a spare as they say.

The simple things, they truly are the things we must hold onto as we all plod through this life. For when we are old (Gods Willing) and laying awaiting to go and meet the Gods and greet those who have gone before it is all those simple things that make a life. Oh sure there will always be some fantastic moments, those big glowing “best moments of my life” but they are not as many as the simple things. The simple beautiful moments they form our life, who we are and all the rest.

I am slowly following my way back to inspiration hopefully I can find some sanctuary again as well. For now I will enjoy the simple things. Like needing a fan after watching this video to make this post.

You know every single time I go to make this post I end up getting Manic Monday stuck in my head, lol. I think if I went with that popping into my head every week folks would get very bored very fast. Or they would wonder what in the world is wrong with me. That is of course a bit of a complicated question, but enough of that for the moment. This week is a goodie by Evanescence it has really been speaking to me lately. Not sure if that is good or bad, but it is what it is. Now time to crack the work whip at myself and get back to the grindstone.