Born in the Tundra of Minnesota, I have since become a bit of a Gypsy. Currently calling home base the hot sands of Arizona, I do still travel often. Whether the journey is a physical one, or one taken by reading a fantastic book it doesn't matter, the fun is always in the adventure. As always I am an eclectic person that likes a wide array of things and has many passions. Creating, advocating for animals and Mothering just to name a few.


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Feb
27
Posted by

Ah here we are again Monday, I have a love hate relationship with Monday. Sometimes I am like Garfield about it, other times I kind of like it. The good news is whichever mood I am in Music is always a nice thing to have on Monday.

This week’s choice is… What would Happen if we kissed.

I’d say history would never be the same.


Feb
26
Posted by

 

 

“My Lady, you have been in that trance of yours for four days time now.”

“Why was Henry in such a foul mood? You’ve heard the news! I’m lucky to have my head. Everyone has heard the news. He no longer loves me like I do him. I am not going to be his wife for much longer.”

“His Majesty caught you before you had hit the ground. He had thought you had died in his arms. He’d run into here as I was packing, yelling for us to fetch the physician who assured the king you were living. He and the doctors will tell you everything else. Right now I just have to make sure Mistress Jane’s ladies don’t screw up their tasks.”

“You are not of her household, Nan? But you were born to be at Court.”

“I refused. Being at Court wasn’t worth sacrificing my own mistress whom I feel such allegiance to. I refused to be in her household and His Majesty allowed me to remain in yours, if that should please you.”

“Oh Nan of course it does!” she smiled before leaving my bedchamber.

What could be so wrong with me that Henry would care now? Am I truly dying? I doubt it. He’d already signed a death warrant for me; I don’t suppose actually burying me would’ve been of much consequence to him. I just wish to be out of this hellish nightmare and to get to my new home for some peace. If only I could go back in time, I would’ve mourned shortly for the loss of Henry Percy and simply moved on to marry another. I would’ve never opened myself to Henry. However much I love him now, all it causes is hurt. Henry’s love is so fickle and I’m only seeing it again now that it has happened to me. Love truly does blind a person at times. I suppose it’s so you only see the good in the one you love, so that you’re protected from their obvious faults because you just want to be able to love them to no objection. I wonder what faults of mine Henry was blinded of. My temper, maybe? I did often have fits of anger and stubbornness. I’d often a time yell at him, and by the time he’d calmed me down from my yelling, I’d forgotten what I’d been so angry about. He used to love all my opinions and temper fits so much until he began to lust after that pale-faced whore. She’s simply so bland. Katherine at least had fiery Spanish blood in her, making her all the more irksome to me because they, too, were known for being stubborn as mules. But at least she looked somewhat exotic. I am by no means bland. In fact Lady Seymour is the complete opposite of me. Maybe that’s what attracted Henry so. A total of ten years we spent together and he’d gotten bored with me? When I was a girl I was often given little poppet’s to keep me occupied while George and Mary were at their lessons. I would get bored with one, and demand another. I’d tuck the old one in a trunk, neatly, and only look back when I was refused a new one. I didn’t tear them apart, like Henry has done with my heart and soul, or pop their little heads off. I set them aside.

“Anne! Lady Anne! Are you feeling alright?”

“Yes, Your Highness. I feel perfectly well. I thank you for showing such concern. Dr. Linacre I assure you I don’t need to be inspected, I was simply under severe emotional stress.” I turned to look at Dr. Linacre who simply dug through his bag looking for something.

“I realize this Lady Boleyn, but you still need to be examined. When I saw you the first time and you were unconscious I noticed some slight abnormalities and wish to have a further inspection of them. Your Majesty, are you staying?”

“Yes, yes I wish to stay with the Lady Anne. I shall be her emotional support for whatever is happening with her.” He stated solemnly, grasping my hand in his. I felt utterly tempted to pull it away. If he thinks to toss me aside he’d better stop showing compassion and expect a certain degree of coldness from me. After what seemed like a lifetime of poking and prodding and unintelligible noises on the doctor’s part, he finally began to pack up his things, smiling like a fool. He grabbed a sheet of parchment and began scribbling away at it before handing it to Henry. It seemed to be a list of instructions for something.

“Lady Anne Boleyn, Marques of Pembroke, I am proud to announce you are approximately four months pregnant. ‘Tis a very good thing you didn’t die or the baby would’ve went right along with you. Considering your prior physical health, the plague, Lady Elizabeth, and several miscarriages, this pregnancy is expected to be difficult and you’ll be suspended to your bed for most of it. Nothing is to put you under stress as per usual, and this time that is a strict order and not simply regularity. I’ve given the instructions all to His Majesty. Good day to you and congratulations.” He left smiling to himself still and I wondered what made him so happy. Why is he so happy for me? I am going to be unwed and pregnant! It’s undoubtedly Henry’s, but if Elizabeth, whom he adores, is declared a bastard, what’s to keep him from not even recognizing the unborn child in me?

“Henry, I wish to go home now. I wish to begin my journey to Pembroke. I don’t need anyone to know of my…pregnancy.” He looked dazed. Dazed and confused but also a bit guilty. He’d better be. If I had been killed so would this baby.

“No, Anne. You’re to remain here in your old apartments. I want you to be in comfort and travelling won’t do that for you. For the remainder of this month and part of the next, you are free to roam around as you like but after that you’d be in your third month and just beginning to show. You’ll stay here the entire duration of your pregnancy…I shan’t make any formal announcement. I’ll have to simply make Cromwell aware of what’s going on. And Jane as well. This will be difficult.”

I sighed and looked up from my embroidery. Henry was pretending to read a book in his lap as he snuck looks at me every five minutes. He has hardly left my side since Dr. Linacre delivered the news that I was four months along. I felt like such an idiot to not have noticing the symptoms. But in my defense, I had been distressed and preoccupied. Preoccupied with fighting for the love of my husband, fighting for my life and reputation, fighting for the safety of the position of my daughter, Elizabeth. How was I supposed to keep track of me eating or bleeding habits when such pressing matters are on my mind. I was only two months ahead of Jane. She was not showing an inch and I was only sporting a small bump. Henry had barely left my company. Whether I was eating, reading, taking a walk, or dancing, he always managed to be there. It was beginning to grow tiresome. Why does he have to pretend like he’s my shadow when he could be doing something more important? Like finding a different loophole in our marriage. Of course I am the last one to want a divorce for us; I love Henry with all my being. My heart was sold to him. But I had also promised myself very young that I would never allow myself to be trapped in a loveless marriage. And whether I like to admit it or not, I am. Henry always could read my mind.

“The annulment is going to take quite a while.” He settles his eyes on mine and heaves a sigh. “Legally you are still my wife, the annulment was supposed to be finalized by your death, seeing as I can’t have been married to a dead woman. But seeing as you are still my wife and now you’re pregnant we can’t finalize or solidify anything until we make sure that you aren’t carrying my son.”

“Why? It couldn’t be that hard to divorce a pregnant woman. You are head of church and state, Henry, you can find a way.” He used to take my suggestions and opinions to heart. Let us pray that he still does.

“Oh so now you’re so eager to get rid of me, Anne! Why is it that when I was the one who wanted to get out of our barren and accursed marriage you were so adamant on keeping it?” I closed my eyes and took a few calming breaths. Father and Uncle are already gone from court, I don’t need anyone else stressing me out and wearing me down. I placed a hand on my bump and was finally calm.

“Because I love you so much. It’s hard having to watch as your heart and soul falls out of love with you and moves on to love another. You were adamant on tearing our small family apart. It’s all in the past now though. I have to ask you something.”

“What.” His tone was harsh, unforgiving, terse, and I hate to admit it but I’m already used to it. It has become so easy for me to ignore.

“I wish to have Elizabeth and the Lady Mary brought to me. If I am to be confined to these dismal apartments, I may as well have company. Let the Lady Bryan stay, I just wish for your daughters.”

“Fine. I shall make the arrangements while you are having your dinner. But I do not see any reason to bring the Lady Mary. She refuses to sign the oath when you were my legitimate wife and queen, I don’t see why she should sign it when you aren’t for much longer.”

I don’t want her to sign the damned oath anymore. I don’t need her to. I need her company. Mary’s condition was one of the few things I had made a mistake in when I was rising to the top. She was his first daughter, first everything. He had loved her more than anything in the world. The flame his Henry’s heart for his little girl may not be as bright anymore, but it is definitely not smoked out. Henry loves all his children. He puts them above all else in his kingdom. Where I saw Mary as an enemy, I should’ve seen an ally. I should’ve comforted her, held her dear, and consoled her after her mother’s death. I should’ve worked with my power over Henry to be more compassionate to her. I want her forgiveness. I pray to God regularly for repentance, it’s about time I seek repentance out from the people I had wronged in my quest to be loved by Henry. Starting with his eldest daughter and ending with the deceased Wolsey. I will do better given this second chance.

 

*** One month passes ***

 

True to his word, Henry was late for dinner the night he wrote the letter regarding his daughters. By the time I had finished and was about to start getting ready for bed, he strode in. I hardly ever attend the cultural entertainment court has to offer anymore. Things in England were nothing like France in the first place, and recently court life has become dull for me. My daily routine consists of nothing but educational enrichment, small meaningless conversations about one thing or another with Nan or Madge, cards and other games, mass, and the occasional break or two to enjoy the gardens. I fit my meals in between all this with frequent snacking. I’m always so hungry nowadays.

I don’t even bother to hope or pray for a son. Henry doesn’t love me anymore, simple and true. Come to think of it, I don’t believe he ever truly did. If you look up Matthew: 5, the verse varies, it speaks about adultery, briefly mentioning lust. Henry lusted after me. He wanted what he couldn’t have. I played his game and I played it well, driving him to the brink of sanity with lust. Love is truly knowing, understanding, and caring for a person’s heart, mind, body, and soul. That’s what love amounts to. But lust, lust is simply caring for a person’s physical attributes, and maybe their mind or soul or heart. Henry lusted after me frantically, and when he finally caught me he grew bored and felt his mission was completed, he’d finally won his conquest. He thought of me as I think of deer. You chase it, and enjoy that chase, but once it’s caught and dead, do you continue to beat it? No.

“I received a letter back from each of my daughters today. Elizabeth sent about a paragraph in English and I have to say, for her age I was impressed. Mary’s was a little more…angry, though. It was written entirely in Spanish as well.”

“What did she say?”

“She thoroughly expressed her displeasure with you and with coming to court. She stated that the only reason she would come is because I commanded her to. She called you a various slew of profanities and then said she’d never in her life sign the oath.”

“That’s alright. I suppose I would’ve expected worse. What did my baby girl say?” he scowled briefly at me before going quiet and I saw that he was making the face he always does when he’s shifting through his memories.

“She said she’d love to come to Court to visit her parents, the King and Marques. And then she stated how much she missed her mama and papa, and that she loves the dresses and poppets you give her, and the jewels and books I send her. It was mostly four large run-one sentences, but I saw where she could’ve placed her punctuation. She’s a bright one, my pearl Elizabeth.”

“Do you usually cast off things as precious as pearls and declare them illegitimate? If so, then no one must have taught you the true value of beauty, or the value of such things.”

“Yes, and what would the value be?”

“Losing both of our respect, trust, and ultimately our love. A parent’s love for their child is boundless and unconditional, but a child’s love for their parent varies depending on how they’re raised, it’s fickle. Ask Mary.”

“This is why we’ve grown apart so much, Anne!” his retort was weak; he couldn’t even deny the thought of what I’d said. “You’re vengeful. You’re bitter and filled with hatred. You are a forever angry person, Anne. You find the weakest point within a person, and pick at it. You resemble a leech in that way. You find it and prey upon it until nothing is left, and that person will forever thereafter remain dead, lifeless, soulless, because you have sucked it all dry. If you had simply learned your place and held your tongue, we’d still be the envied couple of the court. They’d look to us in our supposedly discreet embraces and turn green with jealousy of our passion and devotion to one another.” By now he had grabbed me by my forearms and was shaking me lightly. My heart strings were tugging violently, aching to just melt into submission. But my mind had the power over me right now. And it told me but one thing: no. a montage of unhappy images of the two of us floated through my thoughts, and it was enough to give me the strength to jerk myself away from him.

“What do you know of devotion, Henry? I have learned my place, now. It is to be the Marques of Pembroke. I had thought my place was to be your wife and Queen, but I see I was wrong. If you had stayed faithful to me, we wouldn’t have grown apart. I remember a time, Henry, when you never asked for me to hold my tongue. You were delighted in my thoughts and opinions. You valued my wit. Whatever happened to you? I may never know, but I care little to pry. As long as you’re positive my daughter and step-daughter are coming, you may leave my apartments now. It would probably do Your Majesty some good to visit the Lady Jane Seymour. Isn’t she the opposite of what you say you hate about me so? Is she docile enough for you Henry Tudor? Tell her I wish her well.” I stare pointedly at the door before turning my back to him. He doesn’t leave though; I don’t hear any movement from him at all until he comes to me and grabs me by the shoulders.

“Insolent woman! I am the king! I’m the fucking King of England! You don’t turn your back to me. You don’t hold your chin up high as though you are mightier than me, more righteous than me.” his teeth were grit tight and every word sounded forced. He jammed his lips painfully against mine and moved them quickly and angrily. I struggled in his grasp; I squirmed and moved about to no avail. When I finally managed to wrestle one of my arms free, I slapped him with a force I wasn’t even aware I possessed. His head jerked in the direction I slapped him and he held his cheek.

“Perchance the only thing driving us apart was that you probably have more fire inside of you than I can bear to handle anymore, Anne.”

“I apologize for striking you, Henry. It was purely on impulse, I did not mean it.”

“Any of it?” his eyes were grievous and sad as he looked down at me.

“No. I meant every word I dared to utter. The only thing I regret was hitting you. I know for a fact that you’re attracted to Jane because she’s my polar opposite. I am the fire and she is the ice. I am the sun and she, the moon. I am dark and she is light. She is the water that cools you after a hot day; I am the most potent wine that warms you in the dead of winter. I am outspoken. She is soft-spoken. We are everything the other is not. I really do hope you come to enjoy your life with her, Henry.” My tone was pitiful and had a certain inclination in it. It was like I was giving him one final chance to take it all back. But I don’t necessarily want him to take it. I’ve given him too many chances. I shouldn’t have been with him at all, and now here we are several chances and times later, he still hasn’t learned a thing.

“Anne…” I shook my head and placed a hand on my stomach. I can’t allow him to wear me down any more than he already has tonight. I’ll be entering my sixth month by the time Elizabeth arrives. By then I’ll have a prominent bulge on my stomach and have to cut my freedom hours short. My pregnancy is getting more and more dangerous as the seconds tick by. I’m determined to have this baby. I want this child. Regardless of gender, it’s mine. I cannot lose it, I simply can’t bear it. The pain for a mother to lose her child is unimaginable. I can finally sympathize with Catherine, no wondering as to why she was always so dismal. To lose several children and lose Henry’s seemingly undying love? I shudder at the horrid thoughts of the past. Happy thoughts, Anne. “Fine, I’ll go and visit Jane then.” He mumbled before slinking out my chambers.

Oh, Elizabeth, come soon.

You as well, Mary. You as well.


Feb
20
Posted by

 

Stepping outside of the usual just a song way I do Musical Monday although there is of course music in this piece. What can I say..I am feeling very Henry and Anne as of late. It is sad how the modern mind usually only remembers that she was beheaded in the end. They forget about over a decade of love and passion that played out. As we are all just stories in the end..I dare say they made it a good one.


Feb
18
Posted by

History is not as black and white as many would wish it to be. We only ever see one side, one set of stories, we see the stories and tales as those who won wanted them to look. What would happen if love and passion could still triumph over injury and dynasty? Things could get complicated…

 

 

“Good Christian people, I am come hither to die, for according to the law and by the law I am judged to die, and therefore I will speak nothing against it. I am come hither to accuse no man, nor to speak anything of that, whereof I am accused and condemned to die, but I pray God save the king and send him long to reign over you, for a gentler nor a more merciful prince was there never: and to me he was ever a good, a gentle and sovereign lord. And if any person will meddle of my cause, I require them to judge the best. And thus I take my leave of the world and of you all and I heartily desire you all to pray for me. O Lord have mercy on me, to God I commend my soul.” The people witnessing my murder let out a roar of short cheer, a few yelling here or there to bless my soul, hail Queen Anne, peace be with you, my lady . But I drowned it all out.

 

How could Henry be doing this to me? Just to marry that milky faced girl? Yes, I usurped Katherine’s position, but she left with her life. Yes, she left in some degree of shame and was forced to remain in obscurity . But she also left with her dignity , and pride, insisting she was still Queen of England. But she also left with her life! Why am I to be killed? I put everything at risk and ruined my good name just to be with him, to love him with all my heart and soul and I am being killed for loving him. What has that harlot put at risk beside my favor and good treatment of her? I recall now that Henry had once asked me if I were happy , the most happy . I had told him that the only way I would ever be unhappy were if he were to stop loving me. He’d replied by saying he’d die first. It now looks as though it’s the other way around; I am the one who’s dying. I refocused in on the crowd, now aware that my speech and calming was done. It was time to die. I took off my jewelry , handing it to my more loyal ladies. I tied my hair, securely in its bun, in a cap. Untying it from my waist I took the pouch of a generous amount of pounds and handed it to the executioner. I forgave him before he could even ask, and thanked him for his kindness of coming all this way . I knelt upright, managing to keep erect as I said my final prayers, in the French way of executions. I came into this whirlwind, quick paced; backstabbing life with style and by no means shall I leave without the same amount of flare. I looked out to the people, softening my face. If it should be frozen in time after this, I don’t want it to look distraught. I wish to look as peaceful as possible. The people began to drop gracefully to the ground in deep bows and curtsies, which puzzled me. Technically I am not the true queen anymore; they don’t owe me this respect. I might still be the Marques of Pembroke but they don’t need to bow at all, much less so low. I scan the crowd and my tired eyes fall on Henry , haughty as ever. His chest is puffed with pride and importance as he strides up to the scaffold.

 

“Lady Anne Boleyn, Marques of Pembroke. Upon further inspections of the crimes Mark Smeaton, your brother, and yourself have been accused of, they’ve been proven false. But there is still no proof of your being pure before we were wed. Our marriage is going to be annulled when I find solid grounds for it and you are not to return to Court. You are to return to Pembroke and remain in obscurity there. Come, a carriage is waiting to take you and your trunks are all packed.” I tried to hide my shock and utter surprise. George was alive! George was to live! And I as well! I am being allowed my life! I am not to die for the lies of overly ambitious courtiers and families! I gather myself, removing the cap upon my head in doing so. I stand and take a few short breaths.

 

“I cannot thank Your Majesty enough. You are indeed a most gracious king and sovereign lord. What of my family , they are not to return to Court either I trust?” the small crowd had already been dismissed and my Ladies, the executioner, Henry and I were the only ones left as we descended from the scaffold.

 

“We shall talk in a minute, Marques Anne.” I nod shortly before turning to thank my ladies for all they have done. I am almost sure they shall not be coming with me to Pembroke.

“My Lady! Your pouch.” The executioner tries to hand me back the money , but I gently push it towards him.

 

“Keep it, sir. Please, consider it a gift from me as a show of thanks. You did travel out of your way .” He looks confused before nodding and backing away .

 

“Why do you look so gay , Lady Anne?”

 

“I had intended to die in a certain degree of style and grace. Now, please, if you will, I am still slightly disoriented and confused as to what has happened in my absence. What new information had come forward? What is to become of my family? And…what of Elizabeth? My beautiful baby girl…” thinking of my little Elizabeth was enough to keep me calm and quiet. I felt horrible for my little girl. What if Henry hadn’t come? She’d be without a mother or mother figure. No doubt that harlot would treat her terribly , for she was in favor of the Spanish princess. And she’d become just like Mary , ignored and unloved by her male-hungry father. The last time my beautiful princess had seen me I was a wreck, yelling and screaming and begging for Henry’s love and favor.

 

“The accuser’s only proof of your witchery was a sixth finger and body marks on your back. I have never seen either in the many times we had lain together. Katherine’s heart had not been blackened by foul practices but by some unhealthy air from where she was sent, she’d been sick for far too long. On the charges of adultery I found Mark Smeaton battered. He signed an oath stating that he’d never known you carnally . He’d only been tortured and done anything to make it stop. On the charges of incest, Cranmer had overheard your brother’s wife telling another Lady about her guilt because she’d never truly known George to be with you. Nan had supported this by saying that you two were never out of her own eye and only shared as much as a kiss on the cheek. Your father is being allowed to stay , but George left immediately for Hever. He’d mentioned something about your mother being sickly . And for all I am told Mary is still living happily with her lowly husband.”

 

“Your Majesty , if I may interject,” I looked to him for his approval to continue, he dipped his head low for a short second before I continued. “I don’t think it’d be wise to keep my father at Court.”

 

“And why not?”

 

“He’s quite the ambitious man. He and my uncle were always putting me under various degrees of stress and pressure warning me of your power over me, telling me it was too much at times, telling me to exile certain people. They gained me a few enemies that would’ve smiled at the thought of seeing my head roll.” I looked down as he stayed quiet.

 

“Maybe you wouldn’t’ve lost my boy if it weren’t for them then? Absolutely not. They shall be dismissed. I thank you for being straightforward with me, Marques.”

 

“You never answered my last question, Henry . What is to become of my daughter?” I was tired of calling him by his formal title. I had known him as Henry through seven years of companionship and three years of marriage. I am far too accustomed to it now.

 

“Our daughter, Anne! Elizabeth is mine too!” he was upset now. At least I am assured that he loves Elizabeth. “She is to remain at Hatfield as a royal child. However she is a bastard as well. She hasn’t been told much except that she is to no longer to call you by certain names.” I nod.

“When shall I be allowed to see her? I’ve missed her terribly .”

 

“I know you have, Anne. But you are not yet allowed to see her. You coddle her so. She needs some form of separation and isolation from such strong feeling so she may grow into a respectable young lady . Once Jane bears my son, I plan on marrying her off to a dauphin.”

 

I smile wryly to myself. He knew how much I favored the French. “Yet she is declared a bastard. Yet she’d still be under the children you have with Mistress Seymour.”

 

“Anne, remember your place. You are forever beneath her from this point on. We are to be married as soon as our marriage is formally over. She’ll not be crowned Queen formally until after she bears me my son, which won’t take very long considering she’s already two months along. But she is to be my legal wife and fulfill the position and title of Queen informally .”

 

I tried to swallow my temper. He’s being generous, Anne. Control your temper. If you had before maybe he would still love you, and not the milky faced girl. Control your temper, Anne. Think of Elizabeth. She may be subject to Henry’s wrath and consequence if I make use of my sharp tongue with Henry . The thoughts of my baby girl made me feel better already . “Yes, Your Majest-” I passed out.

 

I suppose Father was wrong, and Mother had always been right. Keeping your highly volatile emotions in like this isn’t entirely healthy . I must still be quite drained and distressed from coming within an inch to my death. The last thing I remember were so many footsteps, all running toward me. “Lady Anne!” rang through my ears as the world went black. When I woke up I was in my old chambers.

 

True to Henry’s word all my things had been moved out. But none on Mistress Seymour’s were moved in yet. I suppose the milky faced girl prefers lighter colors than Katherine and I did. How frivolous. I enjoy light colors also, for certain occasions I even prefer them, but not for all the time. Darker, deeper colors bring about a sense of solemnity , of regality . Bright colors are nice but they do nothing for me. A few of my old Ladies stood around me, looking fearful. Among them were Nan and Madge. They were so loyal. Out of all I think I should miss them the most.

 

They heaved a sigh of what I was assuming was relief before Nan shooed them away to go do as they had been told, sending Madge for the physician and Henry . She sat by me on the bed feeling my forehead and stroking my hair a bit. “Thank god you’re finally awake. The doctors were afraid you might stay in a sleeplike trance for weeks, maybe even forever. His Majesty was not at all pleased, he’s been in a terrible temper for as long as you’ve been ill. The only person he’ll see is the Duke of Suffolk.” Her tone was of reproach and she was shaking her head and clicking her tongue.

 

“And how long exactly have I been ill?”

 

**TBC**


Feb
17
Posted by

Suffering from chronic pain is not something I would wish on anyone. Well okay maybe one or two people but I always remember what we do can come back on us three fold. In my life there have been those who do not understand chronic pain. I am lucky enough to have cut most of them from my life (for other issues then just that) but it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard for others in my life to understand. Chronic pain is not like other pains, it can’t be seen and you can’t point to some scar, or cast or something to explain the pain. This is why many don’t understand it. You either get those who tell you to get over it, or those who treat you as though your an invalid and may break any second. Neither is fun. For years I have tried to find a way to point out to others how chronic pain feels to me and how I manage to still manage to solider on as best as I can with it. As good as I can be with words this is something I have failed at. So I was very happy to find this come across one of my online feeds. An open letter from a person with chronic pain. This explains things better then I ever could. I am going to post here as a quote but I am also linking my SOURCE for this letter right here.

Open letter from a person with chronic pain

Having chronic pain means many things change, and a lot of the changes are invisible.

Unlike having cancer or being hurt in an accident, most people do not understand chronic pain and its effects, and of those that think they know, many are actually misinformed. In the spirit of informing those who wish to understand: These are the things that I would like you to understand about me before you judge me.

Please understand that being sick doesn’t mean I’m not still a human being. I have to spend most of my day in considerable pain and exhaustion, and if you visit, sometimes I probably don’t seem like much fun to be with, but I’m still me, stuck inside this body. I still worry about work, my family, my friends, and most of the time, I’d still like to hear you talk about yours, too.

Please understand the difference between “happy” and “healthy.” When you’ve got the flu you probably feel miserable with it, but I’ve been sick for years. I can’t be miserable all the time. In fact, I work hard at not being miserable. So, if you’re talking to me and I sound happy, it means I’m happy. That’s all. It doesn’t mean that I’m not in a lot of pain, or not extremely tired, or that I’m getting better, or any of those things. Please don’t say, “Oh, you’re sounding better!” or “But you look so healthy!” I am merely coping. I am sounding happy and trying to look normal. If you want to comment on that, you’re welcome to.

Please understand that being able to stand up for 10 minutes doesn’t necessarily mean that I can stand up for 20 minutes, or an hour. Just because I managed to stand up for 30 minutes yesterday doesn’t mean that I can do the same today. With a lot of diseases you’re either paralyzed, or you can’t move. With this one, it gets more confusing every day. It can be like a yo-yo. I never know from day to day how I am going to feel when I wake up. In most cases, I never know from minute to minute. That is one of the hardest and most frustrating components of chronic pain.
Please repeat the above paragraph substituting “sitting,” “walking,” “thinking,” “concentrating,” “being sociable,” and so on; it applies to everything. That’s what chronic pain does to you.

Please understand that chronic pain is variable. It’s quite possible (and for many, it’s common) that one day I am able to walk to the park and back, while the next day I’ll have trouble getting to the next room. Please don’t attack me when I’m ill by saying, “But you did it before!” or “Oh, come on, I know you can do this!” If you want me to do something, then ask if I can. In a similar vein, I may need to cancel a previous commitment at the last minute. If this happens, please do not take it personally. If you are able to, please try to always remember how very lucky you are, to be physically able to do all of the things that you can do.

Please understand that “getting out and doing things” does not make me feel better, and can often make me seriously worse. You don’t know what I go through or how I suffer in my own private time. Telling me that I need to exercise or do some things to “get my mind off of it” may frustrate me to tears, and is not correct. If I was capable of doing some things any or all of the time, don’t you know that I would? I am working with my doctors and I am doing what I am supposed to do. Another statement that hurts is, “You just need to push yourself more, try harder.” Obviously, chronic pain can affect the whole body, or be localized to specific areas. Sometimes participating in a single activity for a short or a long period of time can cause more damage and physical pain than you could ever imagine. Not to mention the recovery time, which can be intense. You can’t always read it on my face or in my body language. Also, chronic pain may cause secondary depression (wouldn’t you get depressed and down if you were hurting constantly for months or years?), but it is not created by depression.

Please understand that if I say I have to sit down, lie down, stay in bed, or take these pills now, that probably means that I do have to do it right now, it can’t be put off or forgotten just because I’m somewhere, or I’m right in the middle of doing something. Chronic pain does not forgive, nor does it wait for anyone.
If you want to suggest a cure to me, please don’t. It’s not because I don’t appreciate the thought, and it’s not because I don’t want to get well. Lord knows that isn’t true. In all likelihood, if you’ve heard of it or tried it, so have I. In some cases, I have been made sicker, not better. This can involve side effects or allergic reactions, as is the case with herbal remedies. It also includes failure, which in and of itself can make me feel even lower. If there were something that cured, or even helped people with my form of chronic pain, then we’d know about it. There is worldwide networking (both on and off the Internet) between people with chronic pain. If something worked, we would KNOW. It’s definitely not for lack of trying. If, after reading this, you still feel the need to suggest a cure, then so be it. I may take what you said and discuss it with my doctor.

If I seem touchy, it’s probably because I am. It’s not how I try to be. As a matter of fact, I try very hard to be normal. I hope you will try to understand. I have been, and am still, going through a lot. Chronic pain is hard for you to understand unless you have had it. It wreaks havoc on the body and the mind. It is exhausting and exasperating. Almost all the time, I know that I am doing my best to cope with this, and live my life to the best of my ability. I ask you to bear with me, and accept me as I am. I know that you cannot literally understand my situation unless you have been in my shoes, but as much as is possible, I am asking you to try to be understanding in general.

In many ways I depend on you, people who are not sick. I need you to visit me when I am too sick to go out. Sometimes I need you help me with the shopping, the cooking, or the cleaning. I may need you to take me to the doctor or to the store. You are my link to the “normalcy” of life. You can help me to keep in touch with the parts of life that I miss and fully intend to undertake again, just as soon as I am able.

I know that I asked a lot from you, and I do thank you for listening. It really does mean a lot.


Feb
13
Posted by

Oh yeah I am so behind on doing things that I should, like catching up on my Saturday Sanc, but I do plan on actually doing that later today. For the moment however I am just going to put up this Monday’s song and let people take from it what they will.


Feb
11
Posted by

While I do not yet have my own story for the Saturday Sanctuary written up I thought I would make sure that I got it posted right away so anyone who wishes to join in may do so. I will add my story later tonight in an edit. Happy Saturday everyone here is to making it through another week together. Mr Linky will be set up next week (I hope) so folks can link up if they actually wish to.

This weeks prompt is this:


Feb
06
Posted by

I missed Musical Monday last week I was just not in a place to post about it. I lost another one of my beloved babies. My Cubby my sweet sweet Cubby also of course why there was no Saturday Sanc this week I did not want to leave another depressing prompt idea for anyone to follow, if anyone is also doing the Saturday Sanc, I really should start a Mr. Linky. I still can’t really process all of it, but I am working on that. I think sitting down and writing a proper post about it will help me eventually to start dealing with it better. For now however, I am just going to do what I can and allow myself the time to move slowly as needed. This week we have a song that is helping me feel a bit better over things that have been going on. My friends and family kinda giggle at me because I say Josh Grobin music makes me feel conflicted. There are a lot of songs of his that I really enjoy. I know he is a Christian singer and so as a Pagan some find it odd I like his music. I always say that music can be uplifting in ways that aren’t always so obvious. Yes the obvious go to in many of his songs is that he is referring to his God, but often times it is not specifically stated and even if it is music is still open to be interpreted. So I choose to interpret and still feel uplifted by the songs I like, you know even if he makes me feel conflicted sometimes. * LOL *

I really can’t think of a song at the moment that fits things for me right now more then this one. A true anthem for the day, the week heck the entire part of this year so far.


Jan
28
Posted by

Just as I got my feet under me and started to work forward from losing my Pasha the universe took another stab at me and knocked me down again. My Cubby was taken from me. I am sorry that I seem to be depressive again but that seems to be the hand I have been dealt this month.


Jan
23
Posted by

Here comes Monday again. Not a fantastic week last week and in all honesty I am fairly sure that this week is going to be a little bit of a pain in the rear end too. Sorry to be a bit depressing folks, I really don’t mean to be sometimes that is just how life is. That said, music can sooth the savage beast right? Or maybe the savage Amby. Today I am enjoying the tunes of Wicked.

 


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