Born in the Tundra of Minnesota, I have since become a bit of a Gypsy. Currently calling home base the hot sands of Arizona, I do still travel often. Whether the journey is a physical one, or one taken by reading a fantastic book it doesn't matter, the fun is always in the adventure. As always I am an eclectic person that likes a wide array of things and has many passions. Creating, advocating for animals and Mothering just to name a few.


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Aug
03
Posted by

 

Wow the year sure is flying on like I am just standing still. August already. I mean really August, pretty soon it will be autumn. Well, it will be autumn in the places that get it, or it will be on the way to summer if you are an Aussie ect. Part of me is happy to see this year traveling on by and part of me wants to slam the brakes on and say SLOW DOWN.

 

July was a fairly interesting month. Sometimes I wish I could say hey, this month was boring everything went as planned and here is what I had planned. Life never works out that way, of course, and for me it is no exception. Many parts of life are going well and I can’t complain about those things. There are other parts of life that are really not panning out the way I hoped they would for the year. That is the way life goes, right? Life is what happens to you while your busy making other plans. I hope and have faith that August will be a month with more up’s in it than downs, hopefully.

You might be asking yourself now, well Ambrosia please tell us more about what has been going on. Patience, dear reader, I am getting to that. I am just getting back to blogging, working on the passion of it which can mean long, rambling stories much like the bards of the old were prone. The open tabs of my brain lately have been working double time and setting some goals and dreams, and many of them end up going right along with blogging. Imagine that.

 

Alas, I digress onto what the month of July was like. Well, first of all it was a big ball of interesting. I have had more than one friend turn on me and shred me to bits. This isn’t really a new thing, honestly, I don’t know why this happens and perhaps it is me. Perhaps I am not as nice a person as I think, the common denominator is of course me. Although perhaps it could be something else and maybe my desire to help people and my tendency to be loyal and loving once I let someone in can get me in trouble. Granted a great deal of this stuff started well before July but much of it came to head during the month.

One friend made sure to tell me fuck off bitch, stop calling me bitch, why do you keep contacting me bitch and many different phrases of bitch and leave me alone many times. I was blamed many times for things well beyond my control as well. I did get one phone call that was a bit of an appology, but it was also hard to understand the full message given a lot of things there. I love this person, very much. Beyond measure. When things really started getting bad with the name calling, the blaming and my concerns about mental health being thrown into my face along with many other things I tried to help. Then I had to make a choice, I even talked to a professional about it. I had to draw a line and disconnect myself so I would not enable. It hurt me to do it. Really, it has been such a hard thing for me to stand my ground on. I gave choices though, and I still stand by them. Get the professional help that is needed and I am there, as I always have been supportive, trying my ass off to do whatever I can. That is what I do. Don’t get that help and I have to remain somewhat disconnected. I hate it. I do. I worry all day, every day. I saw some news that said this person was getting some help. I really hope it works. I don’t know where I stand with this person though. The one post I saw involved something along the lines of, “I have added a few people to my contact list you know who you are.” and there was some other stuff, but what happens if you don’t know? I mean I like to think I am one of those people on the list. I would hope I am, but given the last interactions that were had I really have no idea. Meanwhile the idea of calling to find out if I am on the list, well, I won’t lie it has set my anxiety off in very many ways. What do I do if I get the confirmation that I am not on the list? I am not sure I could overcome that one. Weird, right? After everything else that has been said and done to me over things that is the one that I am finding the biggest problem. Maybe I am just a giant chicken shit. Who knows.

The other giant bombshell was finding out that another close friend has been adding stress to my plate for the last two yeasr. I wish I was kidding. I have literally begged and pleaded that if stress can’t at least be brought down and helped with just don’t add more to it. Apparently purposely adding stress to me was a way to make me feel more like this person. Yeah, I mean I can’t even compute that. I am really still just processing that one, so that is all I can really say about it at the moment. I think that is for another blog post.

On the bright side, August is a new month. There are things I have to look forward to. I have a million plans in my brain as I have mentioned. It is helping me to not sleep, which is a downside, but not really anything new for me I have long had sleep issues. I wish I, didn’t I really do wish I could sleep more like a normal person. So here is August a month that I am hopeful will be better, a month that will see me writing more, I hope. I hope I will be able to tell you more about things I have planned, maybe even write a few short stories here. Perhaps I can even start with my poetry again, it has been a very long time since I have written some poetry.

I know this post has bounced around a little bit, but welcome to Birth of a Notion. Birth is not easy and notions well they can be all over the place as well, so welcome to what it is. A little peek into the brain of a slightly crazy creative lady.

Wait until this crazy little brain of mine unveils a charity I have been doing for years and have finally decided to take it public and bigger. Of course, there is a million idea’s to go along with that one too. My brain just does not seem to allow me to think of one thing at a time ever.

I also really need to update the sidebars here, ASAP. Whoops.

 


May
07
Posted by

Okay, I have not forgotten I have a blog. Or several. I just have been so busy as usual everywhere else that the blog is one of the things that falls between the cracks. I mean, if I have to chose between spending time with friends and family or typing up a random blog post, these days the blog never wins. I am okay with that, really I am. I am not going to drone on and beat myself up about it in this post because if I had to make the choice I would make the same choice again.

With that being said I need to start making more time for me again and for me sometimes that me time means sitting down and blogging. Now that is not going to happen overnight, but of course I am going to start debating and planning how I might make this work. The time for that is going to be coming soon. I am going to be leaving the States behind tomorrow and going back off to my favorite place the UK. From there well I will be going to other parts of the world as well. A gypsy heart and all of that.

This comes at a good time as well because I am seriously giving some thought to the world in general. To say that my friendships lately have been up and down lately would be the understatement of the century. It is no secret that I have several friends with some fairly serious mental issues. We all have issues and I suffer from my own anxiety and such as well. Sadly the hardest hit has happened in just the last three weeks and frankly, it has me a little bit shocked, awed and just unsure of much of anything at this point. You spend 8 years building a friendship, helping as much as you possibly can through the ups and downs of everything only to be told in the end you are a fucking bitch and you’re the reason someone is becoming homeless and those are just two of the nicer things said to me in this instance. I am not going to hash all of it out in a public post, but I believe this friend has had a breakdown of some kind or perhaps she is using again the behavior matches.

I have done this dance before with this friend, but honestly, it has never been quite this bad. I am so worried and so deeply concerned for her but if she won’t seek the help she needs and thinks I am the bad guy what else can I do? I spent about 2 and a half weeks sacrificing what little bit of sleep I got and family time and work time trying to sort out what was going on, trying to be supportive much to the downfall of my own health. That is on me though that was my choice, I won’t blame anyone else. There is, however a point where one has to draw the line and disengage no matter how much it hurts. It hurts me. I don’t give up on people. I don’t like to turn my back on those I love, but sometimes you have to make a choice and not allow them to completely drag you down and drowned with them. That is something very hard for me to do. So hard. I know whatever she is going through has to be hard as well, but after the last outburst I have heard nothing. I can hope she is okay and I do hope she is, even if she wants me to drop dead.

That is where the worrying about society and other things has been coming into mind. Why has society programed women to always see each other as competition? Yes, that might not be the first thing that comes to mind with a mental or addiction issue, but it is there. I have had less dramatic issues with women lately as well and that has clearly boiled down to that society normal that women don’t support each other but attack each other. I hate it. It’s why I have always felt I get along with men better. That is not to say I don’t have a few good women in my life, I do. I just wish I had more. I wish I could feel more open to making new women friends as well.

The latest events coupled with my other social anxiety and social issues frankly has me thinking why bother? I know logically that is wrong. Even in my heart, I know I want more female friends. I think women can truly life one each other up and support each other in amazing ways, if they would just do that. At this point I am starting to ramble a little bit, but I am overtired and overworked at the moment. I think I will end up sleeping for a week on my holiday. Maybe that will be the best thing for me. All in all it has been a bit of a rough time lately and frankly I miss my friends. This latest loss had dragged up a few other losses in my life as well and makes the pain more acute. I have told people I do truly feel like I am in mourning. I am mourning the death of a friendship and that really sucks. Hardcore.

I guess all that is left to say is what I usually say when there isn’t really anything you can do about a situation, it is what it is.


     

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