Born in the Tundra of Minnesota, I have since become a bit of a Gypsy. Currently calling home base the hot sands of Arizona, I do still travel often. Whether the journey is a physical one, or one taken by reading a fantastic book it doesn't matter, the fun is always in the adventure. As always I am an eclectic person that likes a wide array of things and has many passions. Creating, advocating for animals and Mothering just to name a few.
Suffering from chronic pain is not something I would wish on anyone. Well okay maybe one or two people but I always remember what we do can come back on us three fold. In my life there have been those who do not understand chronic pain. I am lucky enough to have cut most of them from my life (for other issues then just that) but it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard for others in my life to understand. Chronic pain is not like other pains, it can’t be seen and you can’t point to some scar, or cast or something to explain the pain. This is why many don’t understand it. You either get those who tell you to get over it, or those who treat you as though your an invalid and may break any second. Neither is fun. For years I have tried to find a way to point out to others how chronic pain feels to me and how I manage to still manage to solider on as best as I can with it. As good as I can be with words this is something I have failed at. So I was very happy to find this come across one of my online feeds. An open letter from a person with chronic pain. This explains things better then I ever could. I am going to post here as a quote but I am also linking my SOURCE for this letter right here.
Open letter from a person with chronic pain
Having chronic pain means many things change, and a lot of the changes are invisible.
Unlike having cancer or being hurt in an accident, most people do not understand chronic pain and its effects, and of those that think they know, many are actually misinformed. In the spirit of informing those who wish to understand: These are the things that I would like you to understand about me before you judge me.
Please understand that being sick doesn’t mean I’m not still a human being. I have to spend most of my day in considerable pain and exhaustion, and if you visit, sometimes I probably don’t seem like much fun to be with, but I’m still me, stuck inside this body. I still worry about work, my family, my friends, and most of the time, I’d still like to hear you talk about yours, too.
Please understand the difference between “happy” and “healthy.” When you’ve got the flu you probably feel miserable with it, but I’ve been sick for years. I can’t be miserable all the time. In fact, I work hard at not being miserable. So, if you’re talking to me and I sound happy, it means I’m happy. That’s all. It doesn’t mean that I’m not in a lot of pain, or not extremely tired, or that I’m getting better, or any of those things. Please don’t say, “Oh, you’re sounding better!” or “But you look so healthy!” I am merely coping. I am sounding happy and trying to look normal. If you want to comment on that, you’re welcome to.
Please understand that being able to stand up for 10 minutes doesn’t necessarily mean that I can stand up for 20 minutes, or an hour. Just because I managed to stand up for 30 minutes yesterday doesn’t mean that I can do the same today. With a lot of diseases you’re either paralyzed, or you can’t move. With this one, it gets more confusing every day. It can be like a yo-yo. I never know from day to day how I am going to feel when I wake up. In most cases, I never know from minute to minute. That is one of the hardest and most frustrating components of chronic pain.
Please repeat the above paragraph substituting “sitting,” “walking,” “thinking,” “concentrating,” “being sociable,” and so on; it applies to everything. That’s what chronic pain does to you.
Please understand that chronic pain is variable. It’s quite possible (and for many, it’s common) that one day I am able to walk to the park and back, while the next day I’ll have trouble getting to the next room. Please don’t attack me when I’m ill by saying, “But you did it before!” or “Oh, come on, I know you can do this!” If you want me to do something, then ask if I can. In a similar vein, I may need to cancel a previous commitment at the last minute. If this happens, please do not take it personally. If you are able to, please try to always remember how very lucky you are, to be physically able to do all of the things that you can do.
Please understand that “getting out and doing things” does not make me feel better, and can often make me seriously worse. You don’t know what I go through or how I suffer in my own private time. Telling me that I need to exercise or do some things to “get my mind off of it” may frustrate me to tears, and is not correct. If I was capable of doing some things any or all of the time, don’t you know that I would? I am working with my doctors and I am doing what I am supposed to do. Another statement that hurts is, “You just need to push yourself more, try harder.” Obviously, chronic pain can affect the whole body, or be localized to specific areas. Sometimes participating in a single activity for a short or a long period of time can cause more damage and physical pain than you could ever imagine. Not to mention the recovery time, which can be intense. You can’t always read it on my face or in my body language. Also, chronic pain may cause secondary depression (wouldn’t you get depressed and down if you were hurting constantly for months or years?), but it is not created by depression.
Please understand that if I say I have to sit down, lie down, stay in bed, or take these pills now, that probably means that I do have to do it right now, it can’t be put off or forgotten just because I’m somewhere, or I’m right in the middle of doing something. Chronic pain does not forgive, nor does it wait for anyone.
If you want to suggest a cure to me, please don’t. It’s not because I don’t appreciate the thought, and it’s not because I don’t want to get well. Lord knows that isn’t true. In all likelihood, if you’ve heard of it or tried it, so have I. In some cases, I have been made sicker, not better. This can involve side effects or allergic reactions, as is the case with herbal remedies. It also includes failure, which in and of itself can make me feel even lower. If there were something that cured, or even helped people with my form of chronic pain, then we’d know about it. There is worldwide networking (both on and off the Internet) between people with chronic pain. If something worked, we would KNOW. It’s definitely not for lack of trying. If, after reading this, you still feel the need to suggest a cure, then so be it. I may take what you said and discuss it with my doctor.
If I seem touchy, it’s probably because I am. It’s not how I try to be. As a matter of fact, I try very hard to be normal. I hope you will try to understand. I have been, and am still, going through a lot. Chronic pain is hard for you to understand unless you have had it. It wreaks havoc on the body and the mind. It is exhausting and exasperating. Almost all the time, I know that I am doing my best to cope with this, and live my life to the best of my ability. I ask you to bear with me, and accept me as I am. I know that you cannot literally understand my situation unless you have been in my shoes, but as much as is possible, I am asking you to try to be understanding in general.
In many ways I depend on you, people who are not sick. I need you to visit me when I am too sick to go out. Sometimes I need you help me with the shopping, the cooking, or the cleaning. I may need you to take me to the doctor or to the store. You are my link to the “normalcy” of life. You can help me to keep in touch with the parts of life that I miss and fully intend to undertake again, just as soon as I am able.
I know that I asked a lot from you, and I do thank you for listening. It really does mean a lot.
I can’t help but wonder if this is what a nervous breakdown looks like. I have been stressed for a long while now. I am one of those people who is very good at hiding things to the general people and just saying I am fine and moving on. But, everything has a breaking point right? I mean, even the strongest of substances will eventually break down, even if it is just because the passage of time running over you. I have had joyous moments don’t get me wrong, and some of the things stressing me, I wouldn’t change for a thing because they also bring me joy. Other things, however well other things I would change. I just read an article after a particularly bad hour (oh, I will get to that) that says 7 signs you might be headed towards a nervous breakdown. I ticked 6 out of the 7 boxes. I would say that is a pretty damn high number of things. Looking at how little I have been blogging lately and even the 3 different drafts I started on this blog and haven’t bothered to finish up and post. Sad right?
Maybe it is just the holidays catching up with me (I am really not a fan of this time of year, even though I try), maybe it is because I know I won’t get my gifts ready in time and they will be late this year for some. Maybe it is the state of the world, maybe it is because I pretty much work non stop and maybe it is just all of it combined. But I seriously would like to either sit in the middle of the floor and scream or climb into bed for a week and sleep or maybe both. Seems like a good idea to me.
So after another trying day of the usual I then again had to shoulder the bulk of a friend’s mental illness. Now don’t get me wrong, I am a friend and I am someone who will bend over backwards and break for my friends. I don’t want it to seem like I am some uncaring beotch. But it is very trying when you are always the one shouldering the problems for people and you never get a chance to use their shoulders in return. I don’t want a pity party, but more often than not I am the one who shoulders it all and gets crushed into the mud while those who take take take and heave their burden upon me don’t offer a hand to help me up from the mud they have crushed me in.
I have openly told those who keep heaping on my shoulders that I don’t want to sound selfish, but I am hitting a wall where I can’t shoulder anymore. I need to deal with my own anxiety and problems for a little bit and it would be nice if I got some help from them as I have given them. It feels as if it is falling upon deaf ears. Especially today.
Another long dealing with another persons mental illness as I stand there trying to reel in my own anxiety, my own issues and trouble that I have been having. Once everything has been off loaded the other party goes dark, locked away in a bubble where I don’t hear from them unless there is something else wrong for me to fix. Safe and sound and warm and totally unaware as I suffocate in the mud their problems and my problems have shoved me down into.
The course of events that happened, aren’t overly terrible they aren’t even out of the ordinary for me in the course of a day. But, I have been sobbing about it for 2 hours and still am even as I type this post out. I am not sure why I am making the post and if I may not even post it, but writing can often times help me find my center again, to gather the shreds of myself up enough to carry on behind the mask of I am fine. Because even if I am not fine, everyone else has bigger problems than me and I have to turn my shoulders again for them to use. Taurus the bull is my zodiac sign, loyal, loving, stubborn yes too.. and a beast of burden it can often feel like.
As I sat down trying to finish a crochet order so I could move on to finishing crochet Christmas presents when my beautiful Senior cat Dutchy demanded to be fed. This is not a new thing and I happily feed her. For the last 4 years she has been on a wet food only diet as first her gums and then her teeth got too sensitive for kibble. I do not mind feeding her, even when she is yelling at me 16 years old, she is my beautiful girl, part of my strength I would do anything for her. Sadly, this time her yelling is what set off events.
I collected the usual horde of followers that comes along when they know she is being fed and kicked them out. Fed my sweet girl and headed back to work on the project I NEED to finish while she ate. Alas, that was not to be. As soon as my rear end hit the bed, Cubby bless his sweet heart had what we gently call a Cubpocolypse moment. Cubby has IBS, hyperthyroid, a food allergy and frankly he just likes to eat things he isn’t supposed to, no matter how hard I try to keep him out of them he sometimes gets sneaky. So as he tried to sleep, a stinky explosion happened. Not an unusual thing that happens either. The smell was horrid as usual, but hey, at least this time it wasn’t on me! I get covered on a regular basis as he loves to sleep on me and I would never tell him not to. It is not his fault it happens, I know he feels embarrassed when it happens and who would really choose to fall asleep and then wake up covered in crap.
I couldn’t find my usual tools for clean up which started a bit of ocd shaking (yeah, I am getting some ocd habits that I am not a fan of now. Bully for me more issues) and as I looked for them the dogs nicely reminded me I was overdue for their dinner. I did a quick partial clean up of the mess and gathered up the dog bowls to get meals. I couldn’t find their winter time stew portions in the fridge and assumed there wasn’t some out for thawing luckily I keep a few nice cans when we get free cans for buying food in a stash for such occasions. I look down as I am about to scoop kibble..and one of the cats thought it was funny to pee in Olly’s dish. Fair enough, so I washed that.
Finally the food was in the bowls and all nice and mixed up. I headed back to give the dogs their dinner and add a benadryl in (last gasp of winter pollen of some kind has made Olly and Diva break out in hives) and as soon as i set the bowls down I look up and beautiful white kitty Kirk…. has two large patches of liquid explosion of Cubby fashion on him. This made me give a bit of a shout of oh for F’s sake. I mean, seriously, who wouldn’t right, I mean seriously?
Olly is sensitive and this yell made him run off away from his dinner where he then proceeded to do a nervous circuit of the house before sitting on the couch and shaking. I have to gather up his bowl so nobody else, including cat family tries to eat it, grab Kirk, who smells and is covered in poo and fetch a towel so I can wash him a bit. Yeah, you can imagine that went about as well as it sounds. I admit, I do confess I lost my temper with Olly as he circled around and around and around nearly tripping me. It is not his fault. I love Olly and I know he is a sensitive soul, who had a terrible first year of his life before getting to us and most days his nervous ticks and things don’t phase me. He is a very empathetic dog and he was only picking up on my energy right now. But breaking point was there and I yelled oh for God sake Olly stop running around and eat your dinner. That of course did nothing to help him. Nothing to help me either, I still feel guilty as sin for yelling at him. He didn’t stop or want his dinner, so I proceeded to the kitchen to wash Kirk. Why not the bathroom? Remember that is where Dutchy is having her meal. You open that door and the hun’s rush in. Safer to go to the kitchen.
Kirky is a beautiful and wonderful boy. Patient and cute as a button. He is however also a cat. I have yet to have a cat that actually LIKES a bath. Kirky is no exception. The second the water hit his tail it was like he was a savage wildcat and after I got scratched and bit he ran away. Typical right? Olly started circling faster. I rounded Kirky up again, got him cleaned off. Finally got Olly to stop running in a circle and eat his dinner. Then sit down and have a nice big cry, which hasn’t stopped. I still have to finish changing the bed from the mess that got spewed all over it. But I am frozen. I can’t make myself do it. I can’t make the leaking stop from my eyeballs and I can’t make myself finish what I need to do. Change the sheets and crochet a stinking sock. The only thing I could summon up the focus for was to write this post.
I really think this might be what a nervous breakdown looks like. I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit. Can anyone take it away, please? Also, please pass me some super glue so I can get back to putting myself together and saying I am fine.
Besides.. with perfect timing as always..someone has just asked me to come pick them up.
You have to love when clients as a freelance writer try to haggle with you. It is not the haggle that so much is a problem, but it is often how they do it. They will make it seem like they have OH so many offers to go through, and well many have lower prices so are you really that firm. Maybe they do have lots of offers and maybe some of them are for less money. However, often times when dealing with writing you get what you pay for.
This is probably just a bunch of prattle for most who are reading this. I know there are those who will understand it though. Those who have been a freelance writer and can’t help but sit and sigh or even laugh at the amounts that are sometimes offered to you. Just for giggles a couple I have had over the time include:
$20 for 30,000 words and illustrations (I am not an illustrator)
$10 for 20,000 words
$5 for 8,000 words plus a variety of other weird things
Now these are just some of the low ball offers. They of course also wanted each item to be perfect in grammar and formatted and everything else. It is utterly laughable that they thought they could get these prices, sadly there was likely someone, somewhere who did it because they really needed the money. I wish I could say they just got laughed at and the work wasn’t done. Sadly, reality says they likely did get it done, maybe not all of them. The part I do have a good giggle about however, is the fact that the work they did get for that price was likely not very good.
Most writers in freelance world offer VERY reasonable rates, many in fact are more than reasonable to be competitive in the market place. The going rate on most big platforms these days seems to be $1 per 100 words, that is more than reasonable because that is not the going rate outside of these platforms. Yet still you get some who want more work for less. It gets even funnier when they are the one who approach you, knowing your rates and then try to hawk you down by saying, “Well, I have so many other applicants.” writers need to learn to say, okay I hope they work out for you.
Freelance writers need to start demanding they get paid fairly for their work. At the very least that they get paid the rate they have clearly listed if you come to them. If all freelancers would stick together on this, the ball would be in their court. We would see less low balling and clients would eventually have to buckle and pay fair or not have work done.
This little ramble, rant brought to you by.. hearing a story from a friend about being low balled yet again by prospective clients.
Here we go the 2016 goal post. Yes I know it has taken me nearly all month to get this post up but oh well. Yes I am trying not to beat myself up about these kind of things these days it is much less stressful that way and lowering the stress is one of the big goals of the year.
So here we go. Being slightly OCD I have separated goals into categories the first one is the crochet goal category. I would like to make a crochet copy of this stunning shawl and I know it will take a great deal of time and energy especially because there does not appear to be a crochet version anywhere, it is called the Dream Bird. Is it not beautiful? This is one pattern out of a small handful that has made me want to learn how to knit. I would ask one of my Knit night buddies to make it for me but I think it is to labor intensive to do that so I am going to study and stare and then try to make a crochet version myself.
The second yarn related goal of the year is to actually make some items for myself. I very rarely do that. I think out of all the many items I have made since I started crocheting I have only kept 3 things for myself. So this year I will make myself a few more items.
Next set of goals is for reading and letter writing. I just need to do them more. I get so wound up in work and doing other things related to work and Momhood that I just lose myself in crochet and forget about the other things that I do enjoy until I feel guilty about not doing them. The guilt happens often. I should not feel guilty about tasks I enjoy, so that is on the list.
Finally I have a goal to just actually relax a bit more often then I currently do. Relaxing is hard for me. My mind is usually going a million miles an hour and when I sit down to do nothing but relax all I want to do is calm the mind by doing a couple of other things that I feel I should be doing. So yes, time to try to relax a bit more. Have a fire and sit by it things like that.
The Netflix Doc about Steven Avery has been the hot topic of conversation since it came out. Now of course the documentary is biased towards Avery so you have to look at that side of things. With that said I think that anyone can see how screwed up things that went on there were.
I am not sure if Mr. Avery is innocent. I would have to know more information however, between what was shown in the documentary and research I did on my own I am not sure he is guilty either. That is of course reasonable doubt, and Mr. Avery certainly was not given his proper due process.
One thing that stands out huge to me was a relatively small thing in the documentary. In one of the many searches of Mr. Avery’s house officers were filming. They go in very close to a letter sitting on his desk a letter from the innocent project inviting him to a dinner. The officer goes in a joking manner “Well, I guess he won’t be making that now will he?” This was before formal charges were filed. The officer then goes on to comment about the shoes in the closet and collecting them about robbery’s in the area. That seems a bit funny to me, especially since this county was not supposed to be involved at all they asked for a special prosecutor and help from another department.
There is no denying a couple of things, Mr. Avery was wrongly imprisoned for 18 years. The county had A LOT to lose out on since he filed a lawsuit and that in that area the family was considered white trash. The work done in the police investigation was shoddy at best I mean it took what 8 searches for them to find the car key? When they did find it the key was sitting neatly as you like out in the open between some shoes. Really?
I would also like to know why no large amount of blood or evidence of it was found anywhere in the house. If you stab someone and shoot someone there is going to be a lot of blood. As messy as that place was (looked a bit like hoarders) there is no way all the evidence could have been cleaned up. Bottom line they really had very little physical evidence that Mr. Avery killed Ms. Halbach himself. Once again, I do not have all the info, but this all to me speaks of reasonable doubt big time. Honestly, while I am not one who usually buys into conspiracy theories this County had a great deal to lose and they very clearly disliked Mr. Avery a lot. I would say they hated him. They sure had a lot to gain by putting him away again on a charge like Murder.
Let us not forget what was done to Mr. Avery’s nephew Mr. Dassey. That poor kid is really not smart. He knows it, I think everyone knows it. I am not sure he has the mental capacity to understand his Miranda rights let alone be part of a mastermind murder cover up. The interrogations that were done with Mr. Dassey, who was THEN a minor were SO wrong and very leading. There is something rotten in the state of Denmark with all of this case. It really just blows my mind how no one could see anything wrong with what went on. I do not understand that at all.
So yeah, there is my take on it. I personally suspect he didn’t do it. I can’t say for sure and the whole thing smacks of reasonable doubt. Most of all I feel bad for Mr. Avery’s Mom. This poor woman has done everything for her Son, everything she could do to help him. Hours upon hours of helping him. Just when she thought she had won and she had her son back, he is taken away again. That poor Woman. It is just nearly impossible to feel for her. The justice system has failed the Avery’s big time and Steve Avery and his Nephew are not the only victims it has claimed.
Can we just take a moment to say how awesome this is? 15 years old folks and more mature then a lot of men I know in this world. Menstruation is not a shameful thing it is natural and what we women have to deal with like it or not. Seeing this young man step up like this is a wonderful thing.
I remember many times in High school (oh so long ago now) when I had an overflow or my period showed up well before I expected it and the terror involved with such a thing. It is not fun, it is embarrassing and you put all of that on top of already not feeling well. Your gal pals understood but guys..usually laughed or made a face about how gross it was. I salute you young man it is such a simple thing but so meaningful.
This is a case of parenting you are doing it right because this young man has certainly been raised right. Need more men like this in the world! Real men support women!
The caption read: “TO EVERY BOY THAT FOLLOWS ME AND CALLS HIMSELF A MAN OR SIMPLY A GOOD HUMAN BEING. Petition for all of us to start bringing a couple pads or tampons to school to help our girl friends.”
Most 10th grade boys (and plenty of much older ones) treat menstruation like a repulsive disease. They wouldn’t be caught dead holding a tampon, and I’ve yet to meet one who could resist a wisecrack about PMS. Not Jose.
Then, he posted the maxi-pad selfie with the hashtag #realmensupportwomen as a call to action to other high-school boys.
“If you have a girlfriend or are friends with a girl, u should know that they do not always have tampons or pads on them, or that sometimes their period just hits them without notice and have a bit of a problem finding one. We should support them with this, after all, we don’t have to go trough all they they do because of menstruation, so it’s just logical that we help them. You should already know to give them your sweater and not question when they wrap it around their waist. So let’s step it up a notch and help them out. IF YOU HAVE ANY RESPECT FOR YOUR MOTHER, YOUR GIRLFRIEND, OR JUST WOMEN IN GENERAL I EXPECT FOR YOU TO FOLLOW ME ON THIS.
To every girl that follows me. You are completely welcomed to ask me for a pad at any time without receiving a negative response or a dirty look. We should all help each other out like this so you don’t have to thank me at all.”
What started as a simple challenge to his friends has now become a worldwide campaign.
“I know I can’t end bigger problems like sexism, racism, homophobia, and others, even though I want to, so for now, I’ll attempt to end the taboo that guys associate menstruation with,” he said.
There aren’t enough thumbs, upvotes, or stars to sufficiently express how much I love this kid. I had awesome guy friends in high school and college, but can’t think of one that would voluntarily talk about periods. Never mind carry a tampon in his backpack.