My crochet has not been going as quickly as it normally does or as I would like it to. I am behind on projects as many who read already know. It makes me sad I really don’t like being this behind on gifts (Yule) though I do know everyone understands. I love crochet, it is a place where I can feel content and Zen like reading only my hands are always busy as well, which is a big deal for me. I feel better if my hands are busy and being useful. I have been busy there is no doubt about that, I usually am. That isn’t the only reason why crochet has been slow recently.
You see, it seems lately that my mind turns to just about anything else to do before it turns to crochet. Spring cleaning, organizing lists, organizing supplies, organizing anything, testing and making new products (a to do task anyways but still) and other things. If you asked me a few minutes before this post why I thought I was doing that I would have shrugged and told you I have no idea. It is true, I had no idea until a few minutes ago when Dutchy sat down on one of my Yule gifts that I picked up to make myself work on it. I do love the project but I have to make myself work on it. So why?
I miss Cubby so much and that feeling hits me more when I pick up my crochet projects. Sometimes it hits so hard that I can’t see through my tears. I feel bad that I seem to downplay how hard the loss of my Pasha sweet has also been, I miss him so much too. So very much, but Cubby was Cubby. He so rarely left my side. He was my barnacle. Sure, it could be annoying sometimes, but his comforting, warm, sweet presence was always welcome. His unflagging love was always cherished. His sweet purring and moments of knowing when I needed him to be even a little closer I just never looked past a time where he wouldn’t be with me. I could not picture my life without him. Which is silly, of course, because eventually we do lose those loved ones in our life, four pawed and two pawed as it were. Yet I just never looked beyond.
Now that presence is not with me all the time. I still walk at a slower pace so he can follow along, I still pause before turning around from a counter or fridge ect because he was always right behind me. I still wait for him to climb into my lap and adjust whatever project I am working on to fit around him. Cubby adored sitting on my crochet projects. He loved taking part in that zen time for me and of course he liked snuggly warm yarn as well. I still have the crochet, but I don’t have him. I think that is why I end up putting the project away after such a short time now. Especially the holiday ones, as they were of course started when he was still here, still testing them out giving them his approval.
I am sure it will get easier as time passes, but for now it doesn’t feel like it. The world will turn and life goes on, but in the darkness of the night or the quiet moments of the light I stand still because I miss him so much.