Grief is a terrible thing, I would truly not wish it on anyone. Be that the grief of losing a human loved one or like I am currently doing a fur kid. 2016 was a shit year for deaths and grief and just when I thought it was safe to drop my guard a little bit, it got one final kick in the face for me. You see, despite the actual event happening in 2017 I am still willing to blame 2016. Now, I may not usually make huge public posts about loss being suffered by me or my family, but it was pointed out to me the other day that letting it go, putting it out there might help some. In other words, at the risk of sounding a little Disney in this moment, Let it go. So here I am attempting to do that, after all I do love to write in many mediums and sometimes you have to write about things that hurt or aren’t all unicorns and glitter.
On Monday, for Musical Monday I posted a song in honor of my sweet kitty Pash Pash. He was feeling under the weather and sweet cat that he was, he loved to listen to music with me. There were some songs that even made him flick his tail and do a little bit of a dance with me. Yes, you will see that I am using the past tense when I reference my sweet Pash Pash. You see, just hours after that post went up around 3:30 am Pasha took a serious turn for the worse and it was clear that we would not be waiting for our regular vet to open up to get him looked at.
Nearly forgetting my own shoes and completely forgetting anything warm for myself, Pash pash was bundled up in his favorite little skull blanket and a towel in my arms as I sat passenger in the car. The first ER vet that we went to was closed. Yes, CLOSED. There was a great deal of cussing and upset over the whole thing, because this is the ER vet our regular vet suggests to go to and there was no notice nothing at all but a sign taped to the door. Frankly, I was pretty darn cheesed off about the whole thing, but of course in the moment I was more worried and anxious for my sweet Pash Pash. Back into the car we went and took off for the next ER vet we knew about. We were not 100% sure where it was located and I don’t think a car full of people has ever been SO happy to see a big red sign that said EMERGENCY.
They took my bundle from me and went back to their emergency area. It was a struggle not to stay right on their rear ends, he is my baby boy. They didn’t keep us waiting too long when they came out to take us into a room and let us know that he was a little cold, but they put him in a nice warm bubble to get him warmed up and they would take vitals and such. More waiting for what seemed like forever and then they came back to talk to us. They got him warmed up and his vitals were overall okay. He was breathing more rapid than they would like, but his heart and lungs sounded good. The concerning part was that he did not have mobility in his back legs and did not respond when they pushed down hard on the paws (cats usually pull away when you do that), they would work up a recommendation to see if something happened to his back ect. Okay, I could deal with that. I could make him little kitty diapers and a kitty wheely so he could still get around if needed. I had no idea how anything could have happened to his back, but if it did, well we could make the best of it.
It was only a few minutes later that they came in to tell us that he had suddenly taken a turn. He was struggling to breath, stretching his neck, and a variety of other things that are not normal for cats. They put a full O2 mask on him and were trying to get him more settled again so we could see how things would go. Everything went by in a blur from there. The short of it was that while the o2 was making him a little more comfortable it wasn’t really helping. They brought me back to him. My sweet boy with his head in an o2 mask. I petted him so gently and whispered through my tears. He told me then, his fight was over. It was time for him to leave me for now, but we would see one another again someday across the rainbow bridge. I could feel my heart shattering into a thousand tiny pieces, but I had to do the right thing for him, my duty as his Mom, the final duty. I told the vet that I would like him not to be in pain any longer. She agreed with my choice and went over things with me with how suddenly he had gotten worse. It was a straddle thrombosis. Likely a small part of clot had broken off, which started his not feeling well, slowly blocking the blood flow to his legs and that’s when I saw him take the turn that he did. The rest of the clot likely broke free once he was at the ER vet. She assured me that it is very hard nearly impossible to catch a Saddle thrombosis, that even if you do there are no guarantees. That saddle thrombosis is essentially a cat owner’s worst nightmare. Assuring me again we were doing the right thing for him.
I went back to sit in the room and wait. They placed the catheter in his leg and brought my sweet boy to me wrapped in his blanket and his towel from home. He could smell his pride and his pack. Pash pash was a kitty who walked in two worlds, he was a member of the cat pride, but also fully accepted by the dog pack. I cradled him close like a baby and I talked to him softly. I told him how much I loved him, how much he had brought sunshine into my life, to everyone’s life. I assured him that I would see him again and that soon he would feel better. Everyone said their final goodbyes to our sweet boy.
The vet tech came in and quietly asked if we were ready. I was about to say yes and then I looked down. My Pash pash had gone motionless, his eyes fixed he had passed in my arms. The vet tech took him from me and called the vet in. There was a rather awkward long pause that stretched on. Finally the vet said he had a very faint heart beat and they would still issue the shot to ease his passing. I didn’t argue with them about it, placed my hand on him as they issued the shot and kissed him goodbye. Pash pash was the kind of kitty who would prefer to be buried then cremated and they gently took him back to place in a coffin they had.
Once the nice vet staff left, we all looked around at each other. Eyes full of tears and couldn’t help but chuckle a little bit. Why? Because I hate to say it, but I have been with enough of my sweet babies as they cross and Pash Pash had left while he was in my arms. I think the vet was just trying to save an awkward situation, being as they had already run our bank card for the shot. I do not blame them for it, maybe I am wrong, but Pasha was a little mischief maker and it seems so like him to have made a mischievous exit, beating the vet to the punch and making things a little bit awkward. It really was just SO him.
They kindly brought his little coffin to us they had placed his blanket in with him as I asked. We all started walking out and the door wouldn’t open. Cue me glancing down to the box I held in my arms. Mischievous little man at it again. Awkward situation. Someone came and let us out and we all piled into the car. Once on the road the laughter started again. It was one of those situations where if we didn’t laugh we would end up crying. Pasha would have wanted us to laugh, he liked laughter. Sharing memories of some of the silly things he has done helped. My heart is still shattered. I cry more than I laugh right now, I am grieving. I know I am firmly stuck in grief. He was my baby.
I also know that eventually the pain will lessen. I will glue my heart back together. Life carries on. I will always carry my sweet boy with me. He has left a deep paw print on my heart. He is buried under a tree he enjoyed playing around. I will see him again someday and I will be happy to see him again. For now. I grieve.
