Born in the Tundra of Minnesota, I have since become a bit of a Gypsy. Currently calling home base the hot sands of Arizona, I do still travel often. Whether the journey is a physical one, or one taken by reading a fantastic book it doesn't matter, the fun is always in the adventure. As always I am an eclectic person that likes a wide array of things and has many passions. Creating, advocating for animals and Mothering just to name a few.
I have not watched a Knights Tale in sometime it was a regular rotational watch with my dear friend Vere. I have tried of course many times to watch it in the last year and a half, but I always put it back on the shelf because it feels wrong. I miss my friend. Why then as I haven’t watched the film in so long did the love letter from the movie come to mind you may ask?
Simple, I miss my dear Cubby and of course sweet Pasha as well. I miss Pasha just as much truly I do but the hole where Cubby was often seems more tender at times. I suspect it is because as cuddly and loving as Pasha was and he was indeed always there when I needed him, he was also fairly independent. He would go and cuddle with others in the family as well, just in general he seemed to keep his own bit of a schedule. Cubby was forever and always by my side. On the occasion he could not come with me on errands or journey’s he would curl up upon my bed and wait. I had to face time him sometimes on longer trips just to keep him from getting to upset and worried.
So I always would find myself reaching to pet him as I always at various times throughout the day it was just a habit I picked up over our long years together. I did this again today and of course he was not there. That is when I found myself softly saying “I miss you like the sun misses the flower. Like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter. Instead of beauty to direct its light to the heart hardens like the frozen world your absence has banished me to.”, as Wat did during the scene where they are writing the letter with William. So many heart strings tugged and never a truer comment has ever been said. It is also true for Heath and Prince… those who inspired as well as tagged along as life trundled along.
It is okay to miss those who are gone, it is okay to allow the pain to stop in your tracks here and there. It is not okay to let it completely consume you so that you stop. The world will keep turning no matter what. I have to remind myself in these moments.
It is strange to think,I have not seen you in a month.
I have seen the new moon,but not you.
I have seen sunsets and sunrises,but nothing of your beautiful face.
The pieces of my broken heart can pass through the eye of a needle.
I miss you like the sun misses the flower.Like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter.
Instead of beauty to direct its light to,the heart hardens like the frozen world your absence has sent me to.
I next compete in Paris.I’ll find it empty and cold if you’re not there.
Hope guides me.It gets me through the day and especially the night.The hope that after you leave my sight it will not be the last time I look upon you.
Today’s writing prompt is this picture with this phrase, or without and even the phrase on its own. The phrase is:
Building on the fact that I am embracing that a writing prompt here does not have to be for fiction again this week. I know my last weeks have been a little bit sad and maybe even emo, but I am the first to admit I have not been dealing with my grief well. Things have been rough and my stress is still so far up that I can’t really explain it well enough. However, yesterday a force that has given me a boost arrived and brought that bit of sunshine I needed. I won’t pretend I am all rainbows and unicorns and such, but progress is happening, so I have chosen to work on moving forward. I have chosen to find happiness in what thing’s I can, I am choosing to work my hardest not to wallow in my grief. Won’t be easy but one minute at a time.
I know I would have come to this conclusion in time anyways. I am not the type of person who sits and sees only the negative in everything. Sure, I have my moments, but more often than not I try to find at least a small thing to be happy about. Yesterday my sweet departed Pash Pash ensured that another life would be saved and join our family. This sweet new little life applies a band-aid to my wound and allows me to take the first easy breaths I have since Pash Pash passed on. You can never replace a loved one and that is the same for loved animals, my animals are my family. You can make more room in your heart though. Allow the love you have to share to expand to that new sweet baby and slowly the pain will dull. New life is always something positive and it is hard not to smile as you get to know the quirks and amusements of a new cute little friend.
This is the little guy who showed up to be part of our family. He looks similar to my sweet Pasha, less white on him and his face is thinner, but there are similarities. This sweet boy has black socks instead of white like Pasha had and his little jelly bean paw pads are black too. For some reason I am completely enamored with the fact that his paw pads are black. I have had cats with pink pads and a mix of pink and black but never just black.
This little guy has been dubbed with the rather long name of Misha Castiel Pasha, yes, I am a complete and total nerd and that has never been in question right?
He is an interesting little fellow so far and is settling in well. I know we will see more of his true self as he becomes part of the pride and pack in the house. He is a fairly laid back little guy and he LOVES attention. He purrs very loudly and meets Dutchy’s tough standards for cleaning. This kid has already power bathed himself 4 times since he has been home. The rest of the residents of the house have accepted him pretty well with very little hissing, snarling or anything else. It makes me feel like he is indeed the piece that was missing with the loss of our Pasha, he just slid into that spot and fit in like the perfect puzzle piece. I am going to truly enjoy the next week and watching to see how his character unfolds. So far he does seem to be named properly, he is a little odd in that sweet adorable and fantastic way. Who wants normal right?
I also just noticed this morning that his tail is different, I seem to get kitties with different tails. It looks like at some point in his young life (he is about 5 months old or so at present) his tail was broken. It doesn’t hurt him at all and he doesn’t seem to notice anything odd about it, but the top 1/4 of his tail is kinked over and held so it is almost like his tail forms an L shape. I didn’t notice this right away as most of my cats purposely hold the tips of their tails over to make kind of an S shape and I thought maybe he was trying that and not doing well with it. A closer look and full body rub showed me however that yes indeed at some point his tail was broken. I don’t mind at all to me that just gives him extra character and makes him even more a part of the family. Dutchy has half a tail, the rest of it was taken when she was but a tiny kitten by what we don’t know. Callie has an extra long tail that seems to be a tail and then the missing half of Dutchy’s as well as her “special”. One of Callie’s legs broke while still growing in the womb and never grew past that point. It healed folded over and smaller and doesn’t both her her one bit. Several vets have told me that if it doesn’t pain or hinder her and they didn’t think it was, there was no reason to put her through the stress of a big amputation surgery. Those are just some of the unique things in this family, so Misha fits right in.
It truly is nice to part some of the fog. I can see a path out and I can see the beautiful light coming through the forest trees. I will get better eventually. I will start to feel less stress. Although I do have to say I think a vacation is going to need to happen before I can feel totally refreshed and recharged.
I was so excited to find something this week to act as a prompt. To be able to write again and see if anyone else wanted to play along. Alas the universe had other plans this week. I have had an utter lack of any kind of inspiration this week because on Monday our family said goodbye to my beloved Pash Pash kitty. It has left a giant bleeding hole in my heart and others too.
Pasha was such a sweet boy, mischievous but loving. He enjoyed snuggling with just about anyone he met. Life with him was a true blessing. He was not feeling well for a day and a half, before he suddenly just took a turn. I had planned on taking him to the vet right away when they opened, but when he took a turn, when I saw his distress I had to run him to the emergency vet. Of course I have written all of this in my previous post about grief. No sense in telling the entire story again. I feel silly repeating even here, but for this week because of this my Pash Pash has taken my creativity with him. I am sure it will come back, he would not want me to be without it. Pash Pash enjoyed hours upon hours of sitting in my lap while banged away at the keyboard writing one thing or another. He would then sit happily in my lap snoring as I did some crochet. Beyond that, of course, even when I was writing letters to pen pals there he was happy to snuggle and occasionally make a swat at the pen I was using. Many pen pals have gotten letters with random swipes and big blops of ink and me writing sorry about that it was Pasha trying to help.
I will see him again know that, just like I know I will get my “mojo” back. Alas, it is just not going to happen for now. Perhaps maybe next week. Now it is time to close as Dutchy stares and yells at me.
Grief is a terrible thing, I would truly not wish it on anyone. Be that the grief of losing a human loved one or like I am currently doing a fur kid. 2016 was a shit year for deaths and grief and just when I thought it was safe to drop my guard a little bit, it got one final kick in the face for me. You see, despite the actual event happening in 2017 I am still willing to blame 2016. Now, I may not usually make huge public posts about loss being suffered by me or my family, but it was pointed out to me the other day that letting it go, putting it out there might help some. In other words, at the risk of sounding a little Disney in this moment, Let it go. So here I am attempting to do that, after all I do love to write in many mediums and sometimes you have to write about things that hurt or aren’t all unicorns and glitter.
On Monday, for Musical Monday I posted a song in honor of my sweet kitty Pash Pash. He was feeling under the weather and sweet cat that he was, he loved to listen to music with me. There were some songs that even made him flick his tail and do a little bit of a dance with me. Yes, you will see that I am using the past tense when I reference my sweet Pash Pash. You see, just hours after that post went up around 3:30 am Pasha took a serious turn for the worse and it was clear that we would not be waiting for our regular vet to open up to get him looked at.
Nearly forgetting my own shoes and completely forgetting anything warm for myself, Pash pash was bundled up in his favorite little skull blanket and a towel in my arms as I sat passenger in the car. The first ER vet that we went to was closed. Yes, CLOSED. There was a great deal of cussing and upset over the whole thing, because this is the ER vet our regular vet suggests to go to and there was no notice nothing at all but a sign taped to the door. Frankly, I was pretty darn cheesed off about the whole thing, but of course in the moment I was more worried and anxious for my sweet Pash Pash. Back into the car we went and took off for the next ER vet we knew about. We were not 100% sure where it was located and I don’t think a car full of people has ever been SO happy to see a big red sign that said EMERGENCY.
They took my bundle from me and went back to their emergency area. It was a struggle not to stay right on their rear ends, he is my baby boy. They didn’t keep us waiting too long when they came out to take us into a room and let us know that he was a little cold, but they put him in a nice warm bubble to get him warmed up and they would take vitals and such. More waiting for what seemed like forever and then they came back to talk to us. They got him warmed up and his vitals were overall okay. He was breathing more rapid than they would like, but his heart and lungs sounded good. The concerning part was that he did not have mobility in his back legs and did not respond when they pushed down hard on the paws (cats usually pull away when you do that), they would work up a recommendation to see if something happened to his back ect. Okay, I could deal with that. I could make him little kitty diapers and a kitty wheely so he could still get around if needed. I had no idea how anything could have happened to his back, but if it did, well we could make the best of it.
It was only a few minutes later that they came in to tell us that he had suddenly taken a turn. He was struggling to breath, stretching his neck, and a variety of other things that are not normal for cats. They put a full O2 mask on him and were trying to get him more settled again so we could see how things would go. Everything went by in a blur from there. The short of it was that while the o2 was making him a little more comfortable it wasn’t really helping. They brought me back to him. My sweet boy with his head in an o2 mask. I petted him so gently and whispered through my tears. He told me then, his fight was over. It was time for him to leave me for now, but we would see one another again someday across the rainbow bridge. I could feel my heart shattering into a thousand tiny pieces, but I had to do the right thing for him, my duty as his Mom, the final duty. I told the vet that I would like him not to be in pain any longer. She agreed with my choice and went over things with me with how suddenly he had gotten worse. It was a straddle thrombosis. Likely a small part of clot had broken off, which started his not feeling well, slowly blocking the blood flow to his legs and that’s when I saw him take the turn that he did. The rest of the clot likely broke free once he was at the ER vet. She assured me that it is very hard nearly impossible to catch a Saddle thrombosis, that even if you do there are no guarantees. That saddle thrombosis is essentially a cat owner’s worst nightmare. Assuring me again we were doing the right thing for him.
I went back to sit in the room and wait. They placed the catheter in his leg and brought my sweet boy to me wrapped in his blanket and his towel from home. He could smell his pride and his pack. Pash pash was a kitty who walked in two worlds, he was a member of the cat pride, but also fully accepted by the dog pack. I cradled him close like a baby and I talked to him softly. I told him how much I loved him, how much he had brought sunshine into my life, to everyone’s life. I assured him that I would see him again and that soon he would feel better. Everyone said their final goodbyes to our sweet boy.
The vet tech came in and quietly asked if we were ready. I was about to say yes and then I looked down. My Pash pash had gone motionless, his eyes fixed he had passed in my arms. The vet tech took him from me and called the vet in. There was a rather awkward long pause that stretched on. Finally the vet said he had a very faint heart beat and they would still issue the shot to ease his passing. I didn’t argue with them about it, placed my hand on him as they issued the shot and kissed him goodbye. Pash pash was the kind of kitty who would prefer to be buried then cremated and they gently took him back to place in a coffin they had.
Once the nice vet staff left, we all looked around at each other. Eyes full of tears and couldn’t help but chuckle a little bit. Why? Because I hate to say it, but I have been with enough of my sweet babies as they cross and Pash Pash had left while he was in my arms. I think the vet was just trying to save an awkward situation, being as they had already run our bank card for the shot. I do not blame them for it, maybe I am wrong, but Pasha was a little mischief maker and it seems so like him to have made a mischievous exit, beating the vet to the punch and making things a little bit awkward. It really was just SO him.
They kindly brought his little coffin to us they had placed his blanket in with him as I asked. We all started walking out and the door wouldn’t open. Cue me glancing down to the box I held in my arms. Mischievous little man at it again. Awkward situation. Someone came and let us out and we all piled into the car. Once on the road the laughter started again. It was one of those situations where if we didn’t laugh we would end up crying. Pasha would have wanted us to laugh, he liked laughter. Sharing memories of some of the silly things he has done helped. My heart is still shattered. I cry more than I laugh right now, I am grieving. I know I am firmly stuck in grief. He was my baby.
I also know that eventually the pain will lessen. I will glue my heart back together. Life carries on. I will always carry my sweet boy with me. He has left a deep paw print on my heart. He is buried under a tree he enjoyed playing around. I will see him again someday and I will be happy to see him again. For now. I grieve.
As a cat lover (i love dogs too I do have a couple) I often get the rapid comments from dog lovers how cats don’t love their humans, they don’t care as much as dogs, that they can’t defend their people and all of that sort of thing. Well clearly this feline never got the message.
If you ask me I have several cats that would do JUST what Tara did. But I want to salute Tara the cat on my blog. I saw the video a while back,but didn’t get to posting it until now. Here is to you Tara the cat good on you for protecting your boy!
I am up to my eyeballs in projects of the King size blanket nature, but I really want to create one of these and I know Cubby will like it because ever since he was a little kitten he has loved kitty caves or kitty cubbies as we used to call them. Yes that is how he got his name. He was always in the cubbies.
I found the pattern and directions over at Eilen Tein...so think I can do it?
carpet yarn/weft or thick t-shirt yarn, little bit over 1kg (about 2,5 lb)
hook 8mm (the hook should be one number too small to make the basket as tight as possible)
a cat or two
Nest size: 37cm x 37cm wide and 20cm high
Entrance size: 15cm wide and 11cm high
Starting chain: 3 ch, 1 slip stitch to close the chain 1 rnd: 8 sc in starting chain 2 rnd: *2 sc in one 1 st* repeat the whole round = 16 3 rnd: *1 sc, 2 sc in one st* repeat the whole round = 24 4 rnd: *2 sc, 2 sc in one st* repeat the whole round = 32 5 rnd: 1 sc in one st, repeat the whole round (= round without increase) 6 rnd: *2 sc, 2 sc in one st* repeat the whole round until there is 2 st left. Crochet 1 sc, 2 sc in one st = 43 7 rnd: 1 sc in one st, repeat the whole round 8 rnd: *2 sc, 2 sc in one st* repeat the whole round, crochet 1 sc = 57 9 rnd: 1 sc in one st, repeat the whole round 10 rnd: *2 sc, 2 sc in one st* repeat the whole round = 76 11 rnd: 1 sc in one st, repeat the whole round 12 rnd: *4 sc, 2 sc in one st* repeat the whole round, crochet 1 sc = 91 13-16 rnds: 1 sc in one st, repeat the whole round 17 rnd: *5 sc, 2 sc in one st* repeat the whole round, crochet 1 sc = 106 18 rnd: 1 sc in one st, repeat the whole round
entrance to the nest: 19 rnd: continue crocheting 1 sc in one st, about half round. Cut the yarn (leave a little tail for finish it) and skip 10 st. Continue the crocheting with single crochets. 20 rnd: continue crocheting: 1 sc in one st, until you are about 5 sc from the point where you cut the yarn last time. Now fasten off the last round’s yarn tail by pulling the yarn over the edge the so that when you do the last 5 sc, the tailsstays inside the stitches. Then cut the yarn again, skip 10 st and start crocheting from the same point as you did last round (fasten off yarn tail again by leaving the tail inside the stitches). 21 – 25 rnds: continue, until the entrance is 7 rounds high.
NOTE! Be sure that you start and finish the stitches exactly at the same point as you did last round, so that entrance doesn’t start widening.
26 rnd: in the eighth round continue crocheting 1sc in one st, then crochet 8 ch over the entrance. Continue 1 sc in one st until in the end of the round. 27 rnd: 1 sc in one st, repeat the whole round. Above the entrance, crochet 8 sc around the 8 chs. 28 – 30 rnds: 1 sc in one st, repeat the whole round 31 rnd: *4 sc, decrease by skipping 1 st* repeat the whole round 32 – 33 rnds: 1 sc in one st, repeat the whole round 34 rnd: *3 sc, decrease by skipping 1 st* repeat the whole round 35 rnd: 1 sc in one st, repeat the whole round 36 – 37 rnds: *3 sc, decrease by skipping 1 st* repeat the whole round 38 – 39 rnds: *2 sc, decrease by skipping 1 st* repeat the whole round 40 – 41 rnds: *1 sc, decrease by skipping 1 st* repeat the whole round
Cut the yarn (or if the hole is still too big, continue decreases by skipping one or two stitches). fasten off.
Finish the entrance:
Crochet single crochets around the entrance, do the stitches around of two rounds to make the entrance stronger.
You know I have found it is very hard to create when you always feel exhausted. I love my art, I love my reading I love all of it. Alas I have not been getting much more than Work Work work work work work work..brain freeze work work work work done. Because I do not seem to be able to get even my small amount of sleep that I usually run on. So please pardon if this posts heads off in several directions because I just can not seem to pull my focus to anything but Work work work work work.
I could not sleep when I tried to nap last night, so what do I end up doing? Watching Hoarders. Yup that show. No matter how clean my house or the area I am in at the time I watch that show is I feel the need to clean. Not just clean but throw everything under the sun out and scrub the bare house with a tooth brush. I can not be the only one who gets that feeling when I watch hoarders am I? I sure hope not. I really do need to be banned from watching it.
In other news just in the last 12 hours or so Jellie seems to be coming around to be more of her usual self. For those who don’t know, this is Jellie..
I have had Jellie since she was a teeny tiny should still have been on Mama with milk kitten. I also had Jellie’s sister Bellie (yes Jellie & Bellie). They were as close as close could be you never saw one without the other. Prime example..when Jellie had to be in the cone of shame..
Going on two years ago now Bellie had a sudden heart attack and passed away. Jellie spent days crying and looking for her sister, she just did not know what to do. At the back side of several days Jellie took up residence on the kitchen counters, and other then to go to the litterbox she did not come down off the run of countertops for anything. We just took to calling her counter kitty accepting that this was how she was coping with the loss of her sister and it was going to be how it was from now on.
Until last night. She was spotted in the library peeking in on the new arrival Bastet (more on her later) and than it was onto the bedroom, on the bed..cuddling up in the blankets with her Son Little A. She did make two runs back to the counter, Just to make sure she could I suppose. Alas back to the bed and more interaction and cuddling. I think Jellie has finally turned a corner and let go of her deep grief. I think she will always miss her sister Bellie they were two peas in a pod, but something about Bastet gave her a new look on things. Of course only time will tell if she is done being a counter kitty for good…now if Only she could teach me how to sleep like she does.
I do my writing in various places. I use various things to write on my two favorites being the back of a scrapbook and of course my old writing desk. It is no secret that the kitties are usually sniffing around my mail and such. The thing is I do not usually manage to get pictures of them. Well I made a goal to get some more kitties and mail related pictures done this year.
So above you have my little man the baby of the family Pasha. As you can see he is clearly in love with my Lamy and the letter he is laying on. He thought of course that he was being a big help. He really wasn’t but he sure is cute.